Nice Shirt

I'm not a fan of the mushroom. I find them to have the consistency of an eraser. If that's the sort of sensation that I wanted, I'd just go an find a #2 pencil to chew on rather than seek out a mushroom. But Belinda and Daniel Conne do not feel the same way about mushrooms as I do. They apparently really like mushrooms. They like them so much that they went out into the forest to hunt for something called the hedgehog mushroom. (It is "...an orange-topped fungus prized by mushroom hunters for its sweet and nutty flavor." If they say so. I'm not eating one to find out.) And wouldn't you know it, they got lost. And I mean lost. They were lost in a forest in Oregon for six days. That's really lost.

Now, when someone is lost it is customary (and probably useful) for a picture of the lost individual(s) to be handed out and shown to folks so that they know who they're looking for. If you don't know what the lost person looks like, you're not so much out looking for them as much as you are just wandering around. But let me just say this: If I'm ever lost and a photo of me needs to be circulated to the public, I hope that my friends and family can provide a picture of me with as equally as nice of a shirt as Mr. Conne had on in the picture that was circulated of the couple. Behold!

That's just lovely. Can't quite see if? Mr. Conne's shirt appears to depict several skeletal couples in various sexual positions. They're f***ing, if you will. Effing skeletons. Literally! I realize that image might be a bit hard to see, so I've scoured the Internet looking for a better picture of that very search. (Yeah, let's just hope there's no reason for anyone to go through my Internet history any time soon. That's all I need is to have that sort of search showing up. No, really, I can explain!) Behold!

Yeah, that's what I want to be wearing when I go missing. That's what I want people to be looking at in the handout photos of me. Seriously, were there NO other pictures of this man where he wasn't wearing an article of clothing which depicted sexual acts? I'm going to have to say that I bet that there was at least one. Maybe even two. But for some reason, someone decided that this was the one to go with! Remember that the next time you're thinking about wearing a shirt like this:

Or even this:

Because remember, you could end up missing and your probably well-meaning (but not straight thinking) family might hand out these pictures to the public. Then you will forever be known as the guy in the fornicating skeleton shirt (or the d**khead) who got his ass lost while looking for mushrooms. That's no way to go through life, son. Trust me.

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It's A Hallucination And You Know It Is!

From the files of "Don't do drugs, kids", a one 26-year old and old enough to know better, Jarrod Wyatt who is "...believed to have taken psychedelic mushrooms" is accused of (even though it's fairly obvious that he did this) "...brutally murdering his 21-year-old friend, Adam Powell" and, among other atrocities, "...cutting out his victim's tongue and heart." All of this according to the Times-Standard, which appears to serve Eureka and California's North Coast. Eww.

Now, I'm not suggesting that I have never imbibed in any sort of mind altering substances. I am frequently fueled by the grape or by the wheat (more frequently when writing this sort of blather, can't you tell?). In my rowdier days, I will even admit to having imbibed in substances that were not of a liquid variety. And all of that being said, I am going to state that regardless as to what I was indulging in, I knew that I was willfully (and more importantly) purposefully altering my brain. Thus, anything that I encountered during said state of alteration, was not to be taken too seriously. As a good friend of mine once said, "You know a hallucination is a hallucination!" But apparently, not everyone is aware of that.

Such seems to be the case with Mr. Wyatt. See, Mr. Wyatt and his friend (soon to become victim) "...became preoccupied with the idea that a tidal wave was coming, that the end of the world was upon them and that a struggle between God and the devil was taking place." That's a pretty wide variety of stuff there. Which one do you start to worry about first? The tidal wave? The end of the world? (It's unclear if the end of the world was to be caused by the tidal wave.) The God v. Devil attraction? (It's unclear if the end of the world, which possibly would have been cause by the aforementioned tidal wave, would have been the scenario for the God v. Devil showdown.) Hard to say.

The events that transpired after those preoccupations are also hard to determine. But what seems to be clear is that at some point, Powell was stabbed and hopefully, to death because also, "The body had had the majority of its face removed, and an 18-inch incision in its chest cavity." Yeah, that chest cavity was where his heart used to be. Mr. Wyatt took it out. That's right. Out. And then he did just about what you'd expect a nutjob like this to do. That's right. He cooked it in a wood burning stove. Wait. He did what?

You heard me. He took out his heart and cooked it in a wood burning stove. You know. To get rid of the devil and all. OK, then. I'm sure that at this point, you're kind of wondering what a fellow such as Mr. Wyatt looks like. Let me just tell you that he looks precisely as you probably think that he looks. Behold!

See? Told you. Now, I'm not thinking that it's going to be all that hard to convince Mr. Wyatt. After all, when the cops found him in the house where Mr. Powell had been killed, he was "...standing near a body on a couch, naked and covered from head to toe in what appeared to be dried blood." He also allegedly said, ”I killed him.” Yep. That oughta do it.

Now, listen, I'm not saying that the psychedelic mushroom tea that they are purported to have drank before all of this "tidal wave-end of the world-he is the devil" talk had nothing to do with it. Clearly, it had a lot to do with it. But what in the world did he think was going to happen when he was trippin' on shrooms? Seriously now. That's the point of ingesting the psychedelics. They make you see things that aren't there. Some people seem to enjoy that. ( Though I'm not quite sure why. I get annoyed enough at things that are actually here. I don't need stuff that doesn't exist hanging around and bugging the crap out of me, too.)

This gets back to what my good friend told me. You're taking a substance that is a known hallucinogenic. Therefore, you're going to hallucinate. You could (translation: most likely) see some pretty weird stuff going on. But that's only because you've induced yourself to the point where that's what is supposed to happen in those circumstances. You know what you do in those instances? That's right. You go with it! You don't stab your friend because you think he's the devil! You never rip off his face and you most certainly do not remove his heart from his chest and bake it in an oven, wood burning or otherwise!

People that say that they have no control over themselves in these situations are wrong. This is evidenced by the thousands of people who take psychedelic mushrooms and don't remove someone else's internal organs. You know what you're doing at the time that you're doing it. You just need to take the time and think about why you're doing it at the time that you're doing it. If you're doing it because you're suddenly under the belief that you need to intervene with the devil, you might want to just sit down for a moment or two and see what happens. Chances are that nothing will. (I know, I know, there's a first time for everything, but I really think that you're going to be OK in this instance.) And above all, you have to remember that you're under the influence of (in this case) shrooms! You wanted to hallucinate! And now you are! That doesn't mean that it's any more real just because it's not all bunnies and puppies and you don't like it! Now, put the knife down and get a grip on yourself.

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The Fungus Among Us

How much exposure do you think those who live in Russia have to the rest of the world? What kind of media sources do they have and what exactly are their sources providing them with? News? Pop culture? (Though I do not know exactly what would constitute "pop culture" in Russia, but the question is still valid!) Tabloid gossip? Dr. Phil-ski? Whatever it is, either it's not very extensive or they just don't get it. I base that conclusion on a picture that a Russian student claims that she took of a UFO while she was in studying in London.

The first thing that I found odd about that claim is that she was in London when she took the picture of the UFO. I don't recall hearing about a lot of trailer parks in London. Hmmm. Interesting. The second odd thing was where she was when she saw the object and took the picture. Anastasiya Gavrilenko says that she was at Ribblesdown Park in Croydon, South London when she heard a noise and looked up in the sky and saw the object. Now, it appears to have been during the day when this occurred, so I'm having difficulty with some big huge object hurtling through the sky in the middle of the day, in the middle of London (there's a lot of middling over there in England) and the only person who notices it is a 17-year old girl and she's from out of town! None of the regular reisdents of the town see it. None of the people who live their entire lives there see it. No, instead it's the temporary foreigner who senses something out of the ordinary is afoot and and quick as a whip, she snaps a photo! Of course. And she's the only one. Again, Hmmm.

But really, the thing that really made me a little skeptical (she's totally lying!) was the picture itself. Behold! A picture of a UFO taken in London by a Russian.

OK, I think I can speak for most when I say, WTF is that? Um, Ana? Yeah. Sweetie? See...um, that's not a UFO. No, that's a mushroom. More specifically, that is half of a mushroom. But a mushroom none the less. And from what I've heard, scientists these days are beginning to realize that UFOs and mushrooms are different.

There are no clouds in the photo, no one else saw the UFF (Unidentified Flying Fungus), it's pretty blurry for a photo taken with any camera in the year 2008 and, most importantly, it's a mushroom. Let's compare: Here's the UFF:

And here's a mushroom:


Yep. They're the same!

See, that is why I question what their exposure is to everything else in the world. Did she not think that someone out there MIGHT be able to look at that and say, "Didn't I see that on my pizza last night?" Does she really think that a blurry photo of an edible fungi that has the consistency of an eraser would be so much better than a Photoshop scam job that she would get away with it when so many others have tried to pull it off and failed miserably? I just can't come up with any other rationale for it. And why a mushroom? Why not something more complex? Like an artichoke. have you seen one of those things? They're crazy looking. I would have believed that before I would have bought the 'shroom story here.

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