From Russia With Love

It would appear that the Russians seem to be embracing the phrase "Desperate times call for desperate measures" or whatever the phrase is that sounds an awful lot like that one. It seems that the Russian economy has been hit extremely hard by this global financial crisis, so sayeth the folks over there at Yahoo! News. (That would be the Yahoo! News that is, apparently, for the UK & Ireland. Who knew?) "Its stock markets have lost about 70 percent of their value since peaks in May, and workers have been hit by lay-offs and wage arrears." (It's the arrears, I hear, which they fear will....ah, never mind. I've just always wanted to do that.) So the Russians are cutting back due to all of the arrearage and they're cutting back on one of their lifestyle staples. The vodka.

You might think, how bad could cutting back on vodka be? (If you're me, you'd think, "Oh, my GOD!!! Not the VODKA!!) If you're Russian and you live in Russia, apparently it can be pretty bad. The way I see it, the Russians are, in general, not a happy bunch. No, some of them are quite angry. Even those who leave Russia and head abroad and still grumpy the majority of the time. (I've been told it has something to do with bread, but I really haven't gotten a lot of clarification on that.) So in order to combat their anger, they drink and they drink vodka. To give you an idea of how angry the Russians are and how much they must drink to forget their anger, every single person there consumes about "15 liters of pure alcohol each year." Of course, that figure is calculated if you figure just every person. Now if you're only going to count the ones who can and do drink, that number is going to increase per person and now you're looking at well over 5 gallons of pure alcohol pure Ruskie per year. That's a lot of drunk Russians.

According to a one Pavel Shapkin, who is the president of the National Alcohol Association (not to be confused with the NRA or the AAA, as that would lead to chaos and confusion), "The government has to do something for these people trying to afford the most basic essentials in life." See, it's about priorities. In this country, all I hear about is universal health care this, tax cuts for the poor that. But in Russia, the government really needs to help people buy booze. That's what they've set their sights on. Affordable alcohol for all! Aim high, Russia!

But until the government can do something, the Russian people must fend for themselves. I just wish they'd fend in a different way, as alcohol poisoning deaths, which had been on the decline for two whole years, went up six percent in September. Why? Well, perhaps it's related to the fact that "....drinkers went for anything with alcohol content, including cosmetics, perfumes and cleaning agents to bring about the same effects as vodka." Wait. What?

So, vodka, which is about $1.80 for a plastic half-liter bottle (a half liter is about the same size as a quart, for those of you on the US measurement system and also for those of you who have forgotten what you learned in that episode of Schoolhouse Rock), is too expensive. SO expensive that it's cheaper to start downing your make-up, your perfume and your cleaning products in order to catch a buzz. Somehow, I see that as being much more expensive in the long run.

I mean, would it be commonplace for a bunch of Russians who are all trying to scrimp and save a few cents here and there, to all be sitting around on the porch (or whatever the Russians have that is the equivalent of a porch. Probably a barrel or a crate, I guess.) passing around a big bottle of Jean Nate? Everyone taking a swig from a flask of Charlie? Naturally, it would be in a paper sack and they may or may not be singing campfire songs. (Just don't light the fire around the Jean Nate or else you're going to have a Russian inferno that will make that Chicago fire that the cow started look like a marshmallow roast. A bunch of highly toxic, quite flammable, drunken combustible Russians around a lit flame. That's not good. Keep away from flame.) Naturally, the women would all be in the house or shanty, gathered around a boiling cauldron of old shoes and beets, passing around a bottle of Old Spice while they complained loudly about the bread or lack thereof or whatever their problem with the bread is.

Shapkin explained how not only were people trying to save money by drinking lesser alcohol products (ie, things with alcohol in them that are NOT intended for consumption), they were also trying to make money by trying to sell lesser alcohol products (ie, products which may or may not contain alcohol, but that are definitely NOT intended for consumption). He says, "At times like this, any grandmother can collect some old bottles, fill them with whatever she wants, and sell them to the alcoholics that are trying to save some money."

Wow. Shady Russian grandmothers, trying to make a quick ruble or two off of the drunks by selling them false hope in a bottle. Who knew? I guess no one. Just like no one knows what they're going to do about all of the vodka that isn't being purchased and all of the Russians who are drinking anything and everything except vodka because they have no money. So there's no money, no vodka, and soon there will be no body splash or perfume. There's just going to be a really big, really cold, country that's filled with people who are high on shower gel and angry about bread. I don't see it ending well.

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At The End Of The Article Armaggeddon

Sometimes at the end of news articles that you read at various online news reporting outlets (or attempting to report what may or may not be news) have a box on the side or the bottom with a bunch of links to other stories that are either related to the one that you just read or that other people who had read the same article had also read. Sometimes these other stories are related your current story. Other times, not so much. But over yonder at Fox News, they seem to think that you need a wide and far reaching variety of news stories, either so you don't miss a thing or so that your selections aren't within too narrow of a category. And for some reason, at the bottom of a story about a bunch of drunken Russian cops beating and burning (yes, burning. As in with fire.) a man to death, there was what could be described as a "melange of whack-a-doodle". It could probably also be described as several other things, but it's not often I can work "melange" into things, as I do not often write about paella.

First, I'll address the crazy Commies. No, actually, first I'll address the horrible job someone did with writing that blurb. It really doesn't tell you much more than the title which says "Officials: Drunk Russian Police Beat, Burned Man To Death." No word on why the three officers were drunk, how they figured out that they were responsible, whether or not it's common for Russian law enforcement to tie one on during their shift, or even who found the body. It was described as being found "in a nearby forest Wednesday with massive burns." Huh. Massive burns. From being set on fire, you say? Interesting. (Note to self: Even though international stories tend to be short, do not let busboy write them, even if he does claim to have "a real way with words.")

Now what other stories could be related to that you ask? Here we go....People who read about the Perestroika Police also read about these intriguing tales:

• Texas Mom Throws 4-Year Old Daughter Into Traffic
  
  
• Police: Husband of Long Island Teacher Choked Her To Death; Staged Broken Down Car Scene
  
  
• Giant Spider Caught On Film Eating Bird In Australian Backyard
  
  
• Pakistani Police Arrest Cleric Who Presided Over Kids' Wedding


• Cheetah Runs Loose On Plane, Bites Baggage Worker
  

Seriously, what the heck is that? I'm pretty sure that at least one of those is a sign of Armageddon. Giant spiders eating birds?! I don't think of that when I think of Australia. I think of koalas, kangaroos, that Crocodile Dundee mate, things like that. Not giant spiders eating birds, for cryin' out loud! And how did that cheetah get loose? Never mind that, how did it get on the plane to begin with?! Now I have to worry about loose and livid flying cheetahs?

I'm sure there was a brilliant mind at work in the choking husband story there. I'll bet The Choker is right at this very minute thinking to himself, "I can't believe the broken down car scene that I staged didn't throw them off of my trail! Dammit! I'm so unlucky!" And of course, that a-hole is one of the guys who (allegedly) kills his wife and then reports her as missing and does a bunch of TV interviews about how much he loves his wife and makes tearful public pleas for her to be returned. When, exactly, did that method start gaining popularity? Was it when Scott Peterson was trying to convince everyone that he was so upset that his wife, Laci, was missing? I think that might have been it. Hey, guys out there thinking about offing your wife and trying the Peterson method, listen up. Before you start choking the Missus, perhaps take a moment to recall how all of that turned out for Scotty-boy there and don't strangle the little lady, OK champ? Grand.

Now, The Choker, also known as William Walsh, has allegedly confessed to killing his wife, Leah. The Choker has an attorney who stated to the media, "If we know anything from recent events, confessions are inherently unreliable, especially when trickery is involved." What recent events would those be sir? And, I'm sorry, did you say trickery? He did indeed say trickery, and when he was asked by the media to clarify what he meant by said trickery, he said, "I am saying unquestionably any confession that they obtain is done by tricks." That still doesn't answer the question. What kind of tricks? Juggling? Cards? Magic? The shell game? Tell us the tricks! I really think someone should have some pretty specific examples if they're going to go throwing words like "trickery" around these days.

What's up with the spider and the bird? Apparently, there is a photo of a lifeless bird trapped in a web near Cairns, Australia, which shows the spider clenching its legs around said lifeless bird. A one Joel Shakespeare, who is "the head spider keeper at NSW's Australian Reptile Park, said the spider was a golden orb weaver." In other news the Australian Reptile Park has a head spider keeper. Now, I don't know if my knowing the particular species of spider is supposed to make this better for me or what. And it really doesn't. Regardless of the fact that most people will respond to such a story by shouting, "Holy crap!" and not "Tell me more about the golden orb weaver and it's day to day existence.", Joel continued by explaining, "Normally they prey on large insects, it's unusual to see one eating a bird." Now is that because a bird is not a large insect or because spider don't eat birds?! He then made everyone reading this story feel tons better by mentioning that "...he had seen golden orb weaver spiders as big as a human hand but the northern species in tropical areas were known to grow larger."

But if you were wondering, Joel said the bird was "a chestnut-breasted mannikin" (was being the key word in that phrase) and that it "appears frozen in an angel-like pose in the pictures." (A chesty breast frozen angel? What is going on down there in Australia?) Then, with his keen deductive abilities he stated that the bird "is likely to have flown into the web and got caught." Do you think, Joel? Huh. So, it's a bird and it just flapped its wings and flew into the web, you say? It didn't just walk in on its own? Are you sure the spider didn't try any of that "Step into my parlor" trickery that I've heard so much about? Joel then added (as if it is supposed to make us feel better), "It wouldn't eat the whole bird." Oh, no, of course not. Because that would be weird. (Not as weird as a goat named Red that wasn't de-horned, but weird just the same.)

The folks over there at news.com.au have the photo of the bird-eating spider (along with a bunch of other stories that should keep me busy for at least a week!). Now, if you're expecting some of that breast-y stuff that was mentioned earlier, you're going to be sorely disappointed. Probably not as disappointed as you're going to be if you are expecting some of that angel-y stuff that was mentioned earlier, but disappointed none the less. And it's really not as bad as you'd think. Then again, we're not the bird. Behold!

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Pravda - Russia's Snarky News In English

Wow. And I thought I was in love with the European press. And maybe I was (maybe I still am), but it's hard to say because I've just been introduced to the Russian press that is Pravda. Welcome!

Pravda appears to be mostly commentary/opinion masquerading as news. It also appears that those writing for Pravda are not real thrilled with the United States nor with Americans. It makes for rather terse and snippy reporting, that is evident. And it's because of that sort or style and some of the headlines that make it difficult to know whether or not to take it seriously. But whichever it is, it's hilarious. The headlines and article titles read like a US tabloid. It's amazing. Here's a sampling from today's issue of Pravda:

• George and Laura Bush to divorce after election because of Condi Rice? (I doubt this. Maybe because of Ham Fried Rice, but not Condi Rice.)
  


• Mikhail Gorbachev advertises Louis Vuitton bags to make his living. (Bill Clinton hawking Crocs on eBay!)
  
  
• Muscular bronze stallion with weird human genitalia advertises provincial hotel (Arnold? Is that you?)
  


• Relations between Russia and USA get into Cold War spirit again (Ah, that Cold War spirit! I thought I smelled the Bay of Pigs in the gentle summer breeze.)
  


• Condoleezza Rice's sexual worries in the White House (I don't think they're limited to just the White House.)
  


• Crazy wealthy Russians will soon purchase the whole French Riviera (And maniacal, cash strapped Americans will soon charge all of Machu Picchu to their AmEx!)
  


• Homosexual mobsters can never escape deadly bullets (That's because they're just gay. They never said they were gay AND magic!)
  


• New Yorker's cover choice deeply hurts feelings of Barack Obama and his wife (Not just hurt feelings, deeply hurt feelings. They make him sound oh-so manly, don't they? They've got him all built up so that you can't WAIT for him to be our next President, right?)
  
  
• What is it with the US Secretary's of State? (Quite possibly the funniest and most unexpected piece of Russian journalism I've read all day.)

One odd thing (aside from the headlines) that I've noticed about Pravda is that whenever you click on a link and it takes you to another page within the site, there always seems to be (for no reason whatsoever) a picture of Anna Semenovich. When you click on it, you get an enlarged version with the caption, "Anna Semenovich is another Russian pop star who sticks to the following point of view: "If you have no voice to sing and no talent to dance, just show your breasts instead." I see. And judging from the photo, Anna Semenovich has no voice to sing and no talent to dance.

Pravda also has a forum where readers can voice their opinions. The tagline for the forum says, "The Pravda.ru forum "The place where the truth hurts". Thanks for the warning, oh-so hilarious, online Russian news forum guys. Thanks.

Now, on to the "reporting!"

According to Pravda, "Many US tabloids have been flooded with rumors of George W. Bush’s family misfortunes recently. The latest gossip is about George and Laura Bush to divorce after November elections." Now, I pay a fair amount of attention to the news and I'm not recalling these rumors. Why is that? "Italy’s La Repubblica newspaper wrote with reference to The National Examiner tabloid..." Oh. THAT'S why. The Russian press quoting an Italian newspaper getting it's information from a tabloid. Yeah, that's rich.

Pravda continues with,"The tabloid dwells upon the reasons which could lead to the possible divorce. The newspaper believes that George . W. Bush has been having an affair with US Secretary of State, Condoleezza Rice." And, "Ms. Rice became the center of tabloid gossip in the USA two years ago in July. Many US newspapers wrote back then that Condi had a love affair with President Bush." Again, I do not recall that. A quick Google search would seem to back that up.

Then they throw in the dirt! "Evil tongues recalled the story of a Freudian slip which happened to Ms. Rice during an official meeting in Washington. Condoleezza Rice, who is always meticulous in the choice of her words, reportedly said the following: "As I was telling my husb—" before abruptly breaking off and correcting herself: "As I was telling President Bush." Ah, those darned Freudian slips will get you every time. (In case you're unfamiliar with the term, a Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing, but you're really thinking about a mother another.)

Now, from that fact filled article, you can transition over to "Condoleezza's Sexual Worries In The White House." (And who wouldn't want to make that transition?) It is under that heading that the Pravda explains all by proclaiming with it's headline, "Condoleezza Rice's Anti-Russian Stance Based on Sexual Problems." (Because, of course, a common side effect OF sexual problems is the sudden come uppance of an anti-Russian attitude. Everyone knows that.)

It is in this article that we learn how snarky the Russian press can be. Blunt and snarky. It is also in this article that we learn how women are perceived to be and what women are thought that they should be. Again, blunt and snarky. Pravda asks these questions, "Ms. Rice's criticism can be explained with the politician's personal peculiarities. Why is Condoleezza Rice so fond of her “strict teacher” role? Is it her technique that she follows to stay in the center of political attention?"

Pravda then answers them by quoting the leader of the Liberal and Democratic Party of Russia (the ol' LDPR), Vladimir Zhirinovsky. "Condoleezza Rice released a coarse anti-Russian statement. This is because she is a single woman who has no children. She loses her reason because of her late single status. Nature takes it all. Such women are very rough. They are all workaholics, public workaholics. They can be happy only when they are talked and written about everywhere: “Oh, Condoleezza, what a remarkable woman, what a charming Afro-American lady! How well she can play the piano and speak Russian! What a courageous, tough and strong female she is! " Can you detect the oh-so subtle sarcasm in his remarks? Veeerrrry subtle indeed. And what a charming picture he paints for the reader as well!

Then, this sociological genius continues with, "This is the only way to satisfy her needs of a female. She derives pleasure from it. If she has no man by her side at her age, he will never appear. Even if she had a whole selection of men to choose from she would stay single because her soul and heart have hardened. Like Napoleon, Genghis Khan, Tamerlane, or Alexander the Great of Macedon Ms. Rice needs to fight and release tough public statements in global scale. She needs to be on top of the world." But wait! There's more!

"This is not the place, where one can sublimate their personal sexual problems. Complex-prone women are especially dangerous. They are like malicious mothers-in-law, women that evoke hatred and irritation with everyone. Everybody tries to part with such women as soon as possible. A mother-in-law is better than a single and childless political persona, though." I take it that he and his mother-in-law don't exactly see eye-to-eye on everything. But I wonder what can be done to help a single and childless political persona with a hardened heart and soul? Well, you know our cited expert here has a suggestion. You just don't know how bizarre it is. Yet.

"Condoleezza Rice needs a company of soldiers. She needs to be taken to barracks where she would be satisfied. On the other hand, she can hardly be satisfied because of her age. This is a complex. She needs to return to her university and teach students there. She could also deal with psychological analysis. "

Wow. I don't care who you are, if you need an entire company of soldiers to attempt to satisfy your elderly 51-year old sexless self, you've got bigger problems than you're probably even aware of. No, if you need something like that, you don't just need "psychological analysis", you need to be observed around the clock, seven days a week. And not in any old setting either. No, if that is the condition that you are in, you need to be studied, intensely, by droves of psychotherapists. You need to go to Vienna or something and be studied there! (And I'm really not thinking that Condoleezza Rice would fit into that category. Oh, don't get me wrong. She's kind of an odd duck. And she might need a little lovin', but not by a company of soldiers, for cryin' out loud.) Wow. Bring on Pravda! The promoters of truth! (And hilarity!)

I sense that they're a bit hostile towards, oh, women in general, but they really don't like Condoleezza Rice very much at all. (Nice of them, though, to offer up suggestions on how to melt her heart of ice.) But this is very amusing for me. Pravda - Russia's News About Other Places In English! What could possibly go wrong?

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The Behavior of Russian Aquatic Rodents

It's entirely possible that I have been missing out on an untapped venue for odd stories about rampant animals in a human environment. Who knew that Russia may be that venue? Not I. I was also unaware that the Russian press seemingly either inserts their own interpretation of the incidents into the stories as fact or they word their stories in a way that a different impression of what may or may not have happened is given. You'll see.

Apparently, in Chelyabinsk (yes, THAT Chelyabinsk, the south Urals city. You're with me! Good!) a beaver went smashing through a shop window. According to the Russian press, the beaver "smashed a shop window and several bottles of vodka." I am picturing this rogue-like, vandal beaver, purposely breaking through the window and heading straight for the vodka to continue his path of damage and destruction.

According to the spokesman for the Ozersk administration (no clue as to what that is, but I'm guessing it has something to do with the ownership of smashed windows and broken vodka bottles.), "The saleswoman saw a large animal near a store room and called the local emergencies service." He continued by adding, "The animal was apparently frightened by nearby forest fires, and decided to get assistance from people." Um, what?

Let me make sure I'm getting this. The beaver, apparently frightened by a forest fire, decided to run into town to get help? First of all, is a beaver capable of putting together a complex action plan such as leaving the forest to seek help from humans? Actually, forget about the plan, let's start with the thought process of the beaver. I'm not totally sure, but I am leaning toward the side of the argument that beavers don't think like that. They're not known as the Lassie of the water inhabiting rodents or anything. Did the guy interview the beaver? Is Chelyabinsk a cartoon town in Russia?

The story continued by saying that it was after the rescuers arrive that "the beaver smashed a few bottles of vodka." And that, again, lends implied credibility to the impression that it was a purposeful act by the beaver to smash the bottles after the rescuers arrived. Presumably out of anger that the rescuers were wasting their time rounding up a beaver when the nearby forest is currently burning to the ground.

But, you'll be happy to know that the logically thinking beaver was safely captured (before he could purposely cause any further damage, I'm assuming) and "taken back to a safe part of the forest." I was unaware that a burning forest even HAD a safe part. Isn't that why the beaver LEFT the forest in the first place? Or was he just running to town to pick up the vodka for all of the Jell-O shooters that he and the rest of the forest denizens (presumably displaced by said fire) were downing as a way to pass the time during the crisis? (Probably the former.)

But here's the part that just kills me. It's this photo that accompanied this story:


OK, WTF is that?! That's not a real beaver! I'm not even sure that it's a caricature of a beaver. No, that appears to be a crazed guinea pig of some sort. OK, maybe not crazed, maybe just smashed (like the windows). Actually, I can't really tell if he's attacking or just so drunk he can't get up. Whichever it is, it's hilarious.

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The Fungus Among Us

How much exposure do you think those who live in Russia have to the rest of the world? What kind of media sources do they have and what exactly are their sources providing them with? News? Pop culture? (Though I do not know exactly what would constitute "pop culture" in Russia, but the question is still valid!) Tabloid gossip? Dr. Phil-ski? Whatever it is, either it's not very extensive or they just don't get it. I base that conclusion on a picture that a Russian student claims that she took of a UFO while she was in studying in London.

The first thing that I found odd about that claim is that she was in London when she took the picture of the UFO. I don't recall hearing about a lot of trailer parks in London. Hmmm. Interesting. The second odd thing was where she was when she saw the object and took the picture. Anastasiya Gavrilenko says that she was at Ribblesdown Park in Croydon, South London when she heard a noise and looked up in the sky and saw the object. Now, it appears to have been during the day when this occurred, so I'm having difficulty with some big huge object hurtling through the sky in the middle of the day, in the middle of London (there's a lot of middling over there in England) and the only person who notices it is a 17-year old girl and she's from out of town! None of the regular reisdents of the town see it. None of the people who live their entire lives there see it. No, instead it's the temporary foreigner who senses something out of the ordinary is afoot and and quick as a whip, she snaps a photo! Of course. And she's the only one. Again, Hmmm.

But really, the thing that really made me a little skeptical (she's totally lying!) was the picture itself. Behold! A picture of a UFO taken in London by a Russian.

OK, I think I can speak for most when I say, WTF is that? Um, Ana? Yeah. Sweetie? See...um, that's not a UFO. No, that's a mushroom. More specifically, that is half of a mushroom. But a mushroom none the less. And from what I've heard, scientists these days are beginning to realize that UFOs and mushrooms are different.

There are no clouds in the photo, no one else saw the UFF (Unidentified Flying Fungus), it's pretty blurry for a photo taken with any camera in the year 2008 and, most importantly, it's a mushroom. Let's compare: Here's the UFF:

And here's a mushroom:


Yep. They're the same!

See, that is why I question what their exposure is to everything else in the world. Did she not think that someone out there MIGHT be able to look at that and say, "Didn't I see that on my pizza last night?" Does she really think that a blurry photo of an edible fungi that has the consistency of an eraser would be so much better than a Photoshop scam job that she would get away with it when so many others have tried to pull it off and failed miserably? I just can't come up with any other rationale for it. And why a mushroom? Why not something more complex? Like an artichoke. have you seen one of those things? They're crazy looking. I would have believed that before I would have bought the 'shroom story here.

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Bearly Playing Russian Hockey

I like bears (when they're not chasing me). I also like hockey (in small increments). Oh, if only there was a way for me to enjoy both bears and hockey at the same time. Then all would be right in the world. Oh, wait! There IS a way!

Behold! A Russian bear playing hockey.

OK, I don't know if it's a real bear or just one of Putin's minions in a bear suit. It does look like a bear playing hockey (and playing hockey fairly well, actually). But, then again, the definition of "bear suit" is "outfit that will enable one to look like a bear", so it's still hard to tell. I guess I'd have to know more about how they got the skates on the guy. That's probably the deal breaker or maker for me right there.

In the meantime, who cares?! It's a bear who plays hockey! Now if we could just get some lions and tigers in there, well, that would certainly be some real frozen sport-y goodness for us right there!

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