At The End Of The Article Armaggeddon

Sometimes at the end of news articles that you read at various online news reporting outlets (or attempting to report what may or may not be news) have a box on the side or the bottom with a bunch of links to other stories that are either related to the one that you just read or that other people who had read the same article had also read. Sometimes these other stories are related your current story. Other times, not so much. But over yonder at Fox News, they seem to think that you need a wide and far reaching variety of news stories, either so you don't miss a thing or so that your selections aren't within too narrow of a category. And for some reason, at the bottom of a story about a bunch of drunken Russian cops beating and burning (yes, burning. As in with fire.) a man to death, there was what could be described as a "melange of whack-a-doodle". It could probably also be described as several other things, but it's not often I can work "melange" into things, as I do not often write about paella.

First, I'll address the crazy Commies. No, actually, first I'll address the horrible job someone did with writing that blurb. It really doesn't tell you much more than the title which says "Officials: Drunk Russian Police Beat, Burned Man To Death." No word on why the three officers were drunk, how they figured out that they were responsible, whether or not it's common for Russian law enforcement to tie one on during their shift, or even who found the body. It was described as being found "in a nearby forest Wednesday with massive burns." Huh. Massive burns. From being set on fire, you say? Interesting. (Note to self: Even though international stories tend to be short, do not let busboy write them, even if he does claim to have "a real way with words.")

Now what other stories could be related to that you ask? Here we go....People who read about the Perestroika Police also read about these intriguing tales:

• Texas Mom Throws 4-Year Old Daughter Into Traffic
  
  
• Police: Husband of Long Island Teacher Choked Her To Death; Staged Broken Down Car Scene
  
  
• Giant Spider Caught On Film Eating Bird In Australian Backyard
  
  
• Pakistani Police Arrest Cleric Who Presided Over Kids' Wedding


• Cheetah Runs Loose On Plane, Bites Baggage Worker
  

Seriously, what the heck is that? I'm pretty sure that at least one of those is a sign of Armageddon. Giant spiders eating birds?! I don't think of that when I think of Australia. I think of koalas, kangaroos, that Crocodile Dundee mate, things like that. Not giant spiders eating birds, for cryin' out loud! And how did that cheetah get loose? Never mind that, how did it get on the plane to begin with?! Now I have to worry about loose and livid flying cheetahs?

I'm sure there was a brilliant mind at work in the choking husband story there. I'll bet The Choker is right at this very minute thinking to himself, "I can't believe the broken down car scene that I staged didn't throw them off of my trail! Dammit! I'm so unlucky!" And of course, that a-hole is one of the guys who (allegedly) kills his wife and then reports her as missing and does a bunch of TV interviews about how much he loves his wife and makes tearful public pleas for her to be returned. When, exactly, did that method start gaining popularity? Was it when Scott Peterson was trying to convince everyone that he was so upset that his wife, Laci, was missing? I think that might have been it. Hey, guys out there thinking about offing your wife and trying the Peterson method, listen up. Before you start choking the Missus, perhaps take a moment to recall how all of that turned out for Scotty-boy there and don't strangle the little lady, OK champ? Grand.

Now, The Choker, also known as William Walsh, has allegedly confessed to killing his wife, Leah. The Choker has an attorney who stated to the media, "If we know anything from recent events, confessions are inherently unreliable, especially when trickery is involved." What recent events would those be sir? And, I'm sorry, did you say trickery? He did indeed say trickery, and when he was asked by the media to clarify what he meant by said trickery, he said, "I am saying unquestionably any confession that they obtain is done by tricks." That still doesn't answer the question. What kind of tricks? Juggling? Cards? Magic? The shell game? Tell us the tricks! I really think someone should have some pretty specific examples if they're going to go throwing words like "trickery" around these days.

What's up with the spider and the bird? Apparently, there is a photo of a lifeless bird trapped in a web near Cairns, Australia, which shows the spider clenching its legs around said lifeless bird. A one Joel Shakespeare, who is "the head spider keeper at NSW's Australian Reptile Park, said the spider was a golden orb weaver." In other news the Australian Reptile Park has a head spider keeper. Now, I don't know if my knowing the particular species of spider is supposed to make this better for me or what. And it really doesn't. Regardless of the fact that most people will respond to such a story by shouting, "Holy crap!" and not "Tell me more about the golden orb weaver and it's day to day existence.", Joel continued by explaining, "Normally they prey on large insects, it's unusual to see one eating a bird." Now is that because a bird is not a large insect or because spider don't eat birds?! He then made everyone reading this story feel tons better by mentioning that "...he had seen golden orb weaver spiders as big as a human hand but the northern species in tropical areas were known to grow larger."

But if you were wondering, Joel said the bird was "a chestnut-breasted mannikin" (was being the key word in that phrase) and that it "appears frozen in an angel-like pose in the pictures." (A chesty breast frozen angel? What is going on down there in Australia?) Then, with his keen deductive abilities he stated that the bird "is likely to have flown into the web and got caught." Do you think, Joel? Huh. So, it's a bird and it just flapped its wings and flew into the web, you say? It didn't just walk in on its own? Are you sure the spider didn't try any of that "Step into my parlor" trickery that I've heard so much about? Joel then added (as if it is supposed to make us feel better), "It wouldn't eat the whole bird." Oh, no, of course not. Because that would be weird. (Not as weird as a goat named Red that wasn't de-horned, but weird just the same.)

The folks over there at news.com.au have the photo of the bird-eating spider (along with a bunch of other stories that should keep me busy for at least a week!). Now, if you're expecting some of that breast-y stuff that was mentioned earlier, you're going to be sorely disappointed. Probably not as disappointed as you're going to be if you are expecting some of that angel-y stuff that was mentioned earlier, but disappointed none the less. And it's really not as bad as you'd think. Then again, we're not the bird. Behold!

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Trouble In America's Hat

Idiots. That's a broad enough term that I can use to include a wide variety of individuals, some of whom may only be on the fringe of idiocy, but by calling them an idiot, it eliminates those on the fringe and any resulting confusion.

Idiots make idiotic statements. It's what they do. It's sort of implied by their name "idiot". Kind of like if one is an 'Inuit" they will likely make Inuitic statements (although having never heard one, I'm not totally sure if it's true, but you get the point). Idiots, again as their name implies, are not real bright and thus their material does have it's limitations. If you're looking for new and original statements from idiots, you're only going to find it when you first start looking for idiotic statements. That's because they tend to repeat themselves. Perhaps not with the exact same words every time (because they're...? Idiots, that's correct.), but with the same general meaning.

The best place to find idiotic statements is "man on the street" interviews (idiots really like the street for some reason. They're always out there when someone is interviewing.). Another really good place to find idiotic statements is after a crime has been committed and the press is looking for commentary about the perpetrator. Let's go up to Canada, America's Hat for an example, shall we?

Up north in lovely Canada, America's Hat, there was an incident on a bus recently. I use the term 'incident' because it sounds so much less gruesome than what it actually was, which was an unprovoked and ruthless beheading of one passenger by his fellow seat mate. OK, that information alone is enough to make everyone never ride a bus again. Or if they do, they certainly are going to be staying awake during that long drive across the open plains of Nebraska, that's for sure. No dozing off for bus riding patrons from here on out, I can almost guarantee that one.

So this guy, for some reason, decides that he needs to kill his seat mate and proceeds to do so. Oh, did I forget the part about the cannibalism? Yeah, I thought so. I wasn't quite sure how to squeeze that in and have it be all, you know, nonchalant and stuff as to not alarm all eight of you out there reading this. After he killed the guy AND cut off his head, he was seen picking bits of flesh from the recently de-nogginized and eating it. If that is not a clear cut example as to why airlines and buses should not be cutting back on the snacks they hand out, I don't know what is. (Are you listening Delta? United? American? Would a few packs of peanuts kill you? Well, NO packs of peanuts apparently MIGHT, so you might want to re-think that cost cutting measure right there.)

The guy gets arrested. I don't think he was very hard to catch. I mean, they were on a bus. Where's he going to go? The bathroom? Underneath the seat? So then the media has to find people that knew The Lopper and ask them what they thought of him. His boss (who will later be branded an idiot by me) said, "We never would have expected this out of him." Really? Um, I'm sorry sir, do you have employees who you WOULD expect to decapitate their seat mate on a bus travelling across the beautiful country of Canada, America's Hat? Good Lord, what are THOSE employees like?

Then the guy goes on to say, "He was prompt and well dressed." Now, if that is what the boss is describing as why he wouldn't think that his employee would be a head chopper, then you would have to assume that the opposite would be true for those who ARE head choppers, right? So, if we take his examples of "on time" and "well dressed" and we go to the opposite, we get "late" and "wrinkled clothes". Ah, I see. So, most of the people that I know are inclined to lop off someone's head on a bus, most likely their seatmate, and then eat bits of their flesh whilst waiting to be arrested by the Mounties and their Saint Bernards. Got it. I need new friends.

What in the hell does someone's punctuality have to do with whether or not they are prone to murder and mayhem? I'm thinking NOTHING. It's like when they find and arrest a serial killer somewhere and they interview the neighbors. The neighbors of a serial killer ALWAYS, hands down, ALWAYS say the SAME thing. "We never had any problems with him. He was really quiet and kept to himself." BAM! Sign of a killer. And the serial killers never bother their neighbors, have you noticed that? If you want to keep yourself safe from getting killed by a lunatic some day, move in next door to a serial killer. They're too busy picking people off the streets to bother with you. Safest place you can be when a crazy man is on the loose is right next door.

So in that example, here are your choices: "Quiet", "keeps to himself", "never gives you any problems" BUT "is a serial killer". OR you can have the opposite, which is "Loud", "always coming over to borrow eggs and sugar", "a genuine pain in the ass" BUT "is NOT a serial killer". I'm moving in next to Dahmer. It's really a no brainer. They never kill the neighbors, so you're safe.

Now, the article that describes this horrific event (that was likely not on ANYONE'S "List of Things To Do and See". Almost no one's.) gives information that is pretty much along the same lines as the information that the idiots gave us. Information that, while informative, really shouldn't be prefaced with the sorts of things that preface information about psychotic maniacs doing the ol' slice n' dice on their seatmate. Here's what I mean. See if you catch it.

"Passengers said they just reboarded the bus following a break when the suspect, for no apparent reason, stabbed the man sitting next to him dozens of times as passengers fled in horror."

How'd you do? Did you find the part "for no apparent reason" to be completely idiotic and unnecessary. Tell me, fine folks who wrote that line, what, exactly, WOULD be the reason?! What kind of a REASON would you need to decapitate someone after stabbing them to death while they slept on a freaking BUS?! There ARE apparent REASONS for something like that? REALLY?! Is that why I should be shocked, just shocked, that "for no apparent reason" this guy lopped off another guy's noggin and ate him? Oh, my God! For no apparent reason he did that? Just completely out of the blue. Yeah, that's what makes it so strange. It was for no apparent reason.

I'm guessing you see my point.

He then severed the man's head and holds it up to the window of the bus (so the horrified passengers on the outside of the bus can be absolutely certain they will never set foot in that bus, nor any other bus or motor vehicle ever again). The man then started cutting pieces off of the body and eating them. Yeah, that should do it. OH. MY. GOD.

Tell me something, how do you process something like this in your brain? I mean, face it, you're never getting over this one. Nope. You'll never have a complete and restful night's sleep for as long as you live. That's never going away. But let's assume that the fight or flight instinct response kicks in when you see ol' Stabby McHacks-A-Lot going to town on his unfortunate traveling companion there and you run like the wind. You're outside the bus and you're trying to to vomit when you look up and see him holding a severed human head up to the window. You'd be too confused to know what to do because, really, how has your brain trained for that moment your entire life? That's right. It hasn't. So while you're looking at the prize in the window, your brain is working at top speed trying to find a reaction. Smoke is likely coming out of your ears. But nothing. It comes up with nothing. And it never will. The brain is an amazing tool and it can do amazing things. It can't do this. No way. Never.

And just a little bit more unnecessary commentary from Canadian news outlets. This from a reporter, either TV or Internet (hard to tell) as he wraps up his report on this story. "Canada is a rather peaceful country. I'm not saying that there's no crime or violence. But this sort of thing is very, very uncommon. And the horrific nature of it just caught everyone by complete surprise. And of course, it has horrified people across the country. This is a major story." Do you really think the TWO uses of the word "very" were necessary considering they were prefacing the word "uncommon"? I'm pretty sure that everyone knows that beheading and cannibalism on a freaking Greyhound bus is "uncommon". In fact, it may be on of the least common things ever. I swear....

And finally from our good friends but somewhat sloppy journalists over yonder at the AP, I share with you the real repercussions of something as "uncommon" as this brutal attack by a well dressed and punctual lunatic. "Greyhound has scrapped a billboard ad campaign that extolled the relaxing upside of bus travel which had the unfortunate punch line stating: “There's a reason you've never heard of 'bus rage’”. Until now. Good choice to pull that ad. Which employee was in charge of that decision? Was he well dressed? Punctual? Because if he wasn't, we might not be able to promote him. anytime soon.

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