Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Trouble In America's Hat

Idiots. That's a broad enough term that I can use to include a wide variety of individuals, some of whom may only be on the fringe of idiocy, but by calling them an idiot, it eliminates those on the fringe and any resulting confusion.

Idiots make idiotic statements. It's what they do. It's sort of implied by their name "idiot". Kind of like if one is an 'Inuit" they will likely make Inuitic statements (although having never heard one, I'm not totally sure if it's true, but you get the point). Idiots, again as their name implies, are not real bright and thus their material does have it's limitations. If you're looking for new and original statements from idiots, you're only going to find it when you first start looking for idiotic statements. That's because they tend to repeat themselves. Perhaps not with the exact same words every time (because they're...? Idiots, that's correct.), but with the same general meaning.

The best place to find idiotic statements is "man on the street" interviews (idiots really like the street for some reason. They're always out there when someone is interviewing.). Another really good place to find idiotic statements is after a crime has been committed and the press is looking for commentary about the perpetrator. Let's go up to Canada, America's Hat for an example, shall we?

Up north in lovely Canada, America's Hat, there was an incident on a bus recently. I use the term 'incident' because it sounds so much less gruesome than what it actually was, which was an unprovoked and ruthless beheading of one passenger by his fellow seat mate. OK, that information alone is enough to make everyone never ride a bus again. Or if they do, they certainly are going to be staying awake during that long drive across the open plains of Nebraska, that's for sure. No dozing off for bus riding patrons from here on out, I can almost guarantee that one.

So this guy, for some reason, decides that he needs to kill his seat mate and proceeds to do so. Oh, did I forget the part about the cannibalism? Yeah, I thought so. I wasn't quite sure how to squeeze that in and have it be all, you know, nonchalant and stuff as to not alarm all eight of you out there reading this. After he killed the guy AND cut off his head, he was seen picking bits of flesh from the recently de-nogginized and eating it. If that is not a clear cut example as to why airlines and buses should not be cutting back on the snacks they hand out, I don't know what is. (Are you listening Delta? United? American? Would a few packs of peanuts kill you? Well, NO packs of peanuts apparently MIGHT, so you might want to re-think that cost cutting measure right there.)

The guy gets arrested. I don't think he was very hard to catch. I mean, they were on a bus. Where's he going to go? The bathroom? Underneath the seat? So then the media has to find people that knew The Lopper and ask them what they thought of him. His boss (who will later be branded an idiot by me) said, "We never would have expected this out of him." Really? Um, I'm sorry sir, do you have employees who you WOULD expect to decapitate their seat mate on a bus travelling across the beautiful country of Canada, America's Hat? Good Lord, what are THOSE employees like?

Then the guy goes on to say, "He was prompt and well dressed." Now, if that is what the boss is describing as why he wouldn't think that his employee would be a head chopper, then you would have to assume that the opposite would be true for those who ARE head choppers, right? So, if we take his examples of "on time" and "well dressed" and we go to the opposite, we get "late" and "wrinkled clothes". Ah, I see. So, most of the people that I know are inclined to lop off someone's head on a bus, most likely their seatmate, and then eat bits of their flesh whilst waiting to be arrested by the Mounties and their Saint Bernards. Got it. I need new friends.

What in the hell does someone's punctuality have to do with whether or not they are prone to murder and mayhem? I'm thinking NOTHING. It's like when they find and arrest a serial killer somewhere and they interview the neighbors. The neighbors of a serial killer ALWAYS, hands down, ALWAYS say the SAME thing. "We never had any problems with him. He was really quiet and kept to himself." BAM! Sign of a killer. And the serial killers never bother their neighbors, have you noticed that? If you want to keep yourself safe from getting killed by a lunatic some day, move in next door to a serial killer. They're too busy picking people off the streets to bother with you. Safest place you can be when a crazy man is on the loose is right next door.

So in that example, here are your choices: "Quiet", "keeps to himself", "never gives you any problems" BUT "is a serial killer". OR you can have the opposite, which is "Loud", "always coming over to borrow eggs and sugar", "a genuine pain in the ass" BUT "is NOT a serial killer". I'm moving in next to Dahmer. It's really a no brainer. They never kill the neighbors, so you're safe.

Now, the article that describes this horrific event (that was likely not on ANYONE'S "List of Things To Do and See". Almost no one's.) gives information that is pretty much along the same lines as the information that the idiots gave us. Information that, while informative, really shouldn't be prefaced with the sorts of things that preface information about psychotic maniacs doing the ol' slice n' dice on their seatmate. Here's what I mean. See if you catch it.

"Passengers said they just reboarded the bus following a break when the suspect, for no apparent reason, stabbed the man sitting next to him dozens of times as passengers fled in horror."

How'd you do? Did you find the part "for no apparent reason" to be completely idiotic and unnecessary. Tell me, fine folks who wrote that line, what, exactly, WOULD be the reason?! What kind of a REASON would you need to decapitate someone after stabbing them to death while they slept on a freaking BUS?! There ARE apparent REASONS for something like that? REALLY?! Is that why I should be shocked, just shocked, that "for no apparent reason" this guy lopped off another guy's noggin and ate him? Oh, my God! For no apparent reason he did that? Just completely out of the blue. Yeah, that's what makes it so strange. It was for no apparent reason.

I'm guessing you see my point.

He then severed the man's head and holds it up to the window of the bus (so the horrified passengers on the outside of the bus can be absolutely certain they will never set foot in that bus, nor any other bus or motor vehicle ever again). The man then started cutting pieces off of the body and eating them. Yeah, that should do it. OH. MY. GOD.

Tell me something, how do you process something like this in your brain? I mean, face it, you're never getting over this one. Nope. You'll never have a complete and restful night's sleep for as long as you live. That's never going away. But let's assume that the fight or flight instinct response kicks in when you see ol' Stabby McHacks-A-Lot going to town on his unfortunate traveling companion there and you run like the wind. You're outside the bus and you're trying to to vomit when you look up and see him holding a severed human head up to the window. You'd be too confused to know what to do because, really, how has your brain trained for that moment your entire life? That's right. It hasn't. So while you're looking at the prize in the window, your brain is working at top speed trying to find a reaction. Smoke is likely coming out of your ears. But nothing. It comes up with nothing. And it never will. The brain is an amazing tool and it can do amazing things. It can't do this. No way. Never.

And just a little bit more unnecessary commentary from Canadian news outlets. This from a reporter, either TV or Internet (hard to tell) as he wraps up his report on this story. "Canada is a rather peaceful country. I'm not saying that there's no crime or violence. But this sort of thing is very, very uncommon. And the horrific nature of it just caught everyone by complete surprise. And of course, it has horrified people across the country. This is a major story." Do you really think the TWO uses of the word "very" were necessary considering they were prefacing the word "uncommon"? I'm pretty sure that everyone knows that beheading and cannibalism on a freaking Greyhound bus is "uncommon". In fact, it may be on of the least common things ever. I swear....

And finally from our good friends but somewhat sloppy journalists over yonder at the AP, I share with you the real repercussions of something as "uncommon" as this brutal attack by a well dressed and punctual lunatic. "Greyhound has scrapped a billboard ad campaign that extolled the relaxing upside of bus travel which had the unfortunate punch line stating: “There's a reason you've never heard of 'bus rage’”. Until now. Good choice to pull that ad. Which employee was in charge of that decision? Was he well dressed? Punctual? Because if he wasn't, we might not be able to promote him. anytime soon.

Stumble Upon Toolbar Sphere: Related Content

No comments: