Sunday, August 17, 2008

NWF - Nothing Worth Finding

Wow. I think that I have either accidentally stumbled upon either the stupidest local news website ever or the website with the more stupid and pathetic stories masquerading as news than I have ever seen. Actually, I'm pretty sure it's both. Just be glad you don't live there. From what I can tell, every one of the residents is a maroon. A white trash, law breaking, maroon. Are you shocked it's in Florida? Of course not. It's this country's shallow gene pool breeding ground if there ever was one. Somebody fetch the chlorine.

I came across completely by accident. I cannot believe that they have the gall to put the word "news" in their name. Granted, it's squished in there between nwfdaily and the dot-com, but it's still there. Considering that I found NONE of what I read to actually be news, I'm still appalled. Underneath the title, they have the subtitle (also known as "another lie") "News and information for the emerald coast". It is not news and it is barely information. And the information that it gives us is that people that live there are not exactly the sharpest tools in the shed. All of their news reads like a trailer park police blotter.

These are the links under the header "Most Viewed Stories". This should give you some idea as to how pathetically sad this whole thing is.

  • 17-year old arrested in "Great Sex Kit" attempt (If you're wondering, "Attempt at what?" you're likely not alone, as that makes no sense at all. Turns out, he tried to steal the "Great Sex Kit" and got caught, thus the "attempt". But you really need that part about all of the stealing to understand the "attempt" part. Oh, and the thing was $7.95. Great sex, in the form of a kit, for under eight dollars. Well, that seems like quite the bargain. Too bad he didn't have the eight bucks and got arrested instead. Probably won't get quite the "great sex" in jail that he had been hoping for.)

  • Floridians prepare for hurricane; 4 dead (That's their way of preparing?! By having "4 dead"? I think I'd prefer to go into the hurricanes unprepared if that's the requirement for being "prepared".)

  • Sister kicks brother in genitals (That's it? You know how many times I did that to my brother growing up? Hell, he was practically a girl before he got out of junior high. How is this news?)

  • A deadly ride with a stranger? (20-year old cold case murder. They are looking for (and I am not kidding) a "long armed man". Good luck with that.)

  • 'Pot Head' arrested in drug deal; baby present ('Pot Head' is actually a cocaine dealer who lives on Poppy Street. Irony abounds.)

And these are "most viewed"? Did any of that qualify as being news to you? Me neither. Oh, but it gets better. Or worse. You decide after I give you the "Most Recommended Stories". These would be the stories that the morons who could actually read thought were so good, they're recommend them. Hence the term.

  • FHP: Off-duty deputy was reckless, not intoxicated (He had a blood-alcohol level of .048 and went straight through where one highway intersects with another. He hit a guard rail, ran over a highway sign, skidded through a ditch, overturned and landed his Acura on its roof in the tree line. Speed, not alcohol, was a factor. And here is the photo that accompanied this story. If you know what the hell it has to do with the story, could you let me know? Actually, if you know what it means also, let me know that too. I don't get it.)

  • Man dies after shooting himself at hospital (Not sure if this is supposed to be a result of the hospital letting him die or if it's just because, you know, he shot himself.)

  • Rewards mounting in goat case (Goat killings abound apparently. Reward offered. Keep your goat indoors. The picture below accompanied this story. What in the hell is it?)

  • Use caution when poking around Windows directory (That just sounds wrong in so many ways.)

  • Mom, daughter pull hair after 'ho' insult (Drunken mother calls daughter a "(expletive) lovin' ho". Daughter, on way up to her room, yells, "F you!" to her mother. Drunken mother goes to swearing daughters room and grabs hair for stability while she punches her in the face. Daughter, not to be outdone, grabs drunken mother's hair, bites her arm and pushes her. Drunken mother's son wants in on the act and grabs swearing daughter's hair and starts hitting her; claims he was trying to "stop the fight". Drunken mother's other son is usually left in charge of other children when drunken mother goes out to get drunk. Drunken mother also gave swearing daughter beer before going out to find her own beer. Welcome to Florida.)

It's completely useless. Precious space on the Internet being taken up by stories about hair pulling, ho calling, genital kicking and goat killing...all compiling the entire "News" section. I wondered if it had always been like this, so I clicked the "Popular Archives" link. That link took me to a page that simply said "Results 0 - 0 for 'Popular Archive Stories' " So apparently it has always been like this. Interesting.

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