Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Not Even Warm Enough For McCain's Milk

I thought that I had read the headline wrong over there at Reuters. It said, "McCain Warms Up to Hollywood". Well, that's most excellent, I thought. Old Man Grandpa John McCain needs to warm up to Hollywood if he's going to keep up with Barry "The New Messiah" Obama during this campaign. And in all fairness, he's been doing a pretty good job. Tonight after Jay Leno was mentioning McCain's service to his country, McCain chimed in with something along the lines of, "You forgot to mention how I also warned the people that the British were coming." Hil-arious. Nice job. But what about all of this Hollywood warming that Reuters is boasting about?

Like I said, I thought I had read the headline wrong. After I read the article, I was positive I had read the headline wrong. Read again. Nope, still says the same thing that it said the first time I read it. And after the second time I read it, I still thought the same thing. John McCain is 72, how "warm" does it need to be to be "warm" for him? Trust me when I say, not very.

The article says, "John McCain regularly rails on Barack Obamas so-called celebrity status but Monday the Republican candidate found several stars with whom to hang." I'm intrigued. Like who? Like Daddy Yankee and George Newburn to name a few. Who? What? Didn't that say "stars"? Who in the hell is Daddy Yankee? George Steinbrenner, perhaps? How is this helping? What is going on?

The article tries to explain by stating, "McCain, who turns 72 on Friday, defied the odds and appeared Monday with notable folks to support his candidacy." Now, by "defied the odds" do they mean that he did that by waking up in the morning or by having "notable folks" support him? Granted, either one, absolutely would be considered "defying the odds". I just like clarification on some things. Like who the hell is Daddy Yankee and where are these "notable folks" you mention?!

To name some of the "notable folks" Reuters tell us that Gary Sinise was at the McCain fundraiser at the Beverly Hilton. Yes, Lieutenant Dan from Forrest Gump fame! Oohh! It's getting warmer already. Who else? Who else?!

  • Dean Cain (Superman in Lois & Clark, an ABC TV show that went off the air after four seasons in 1997. For perspective, in 1997, Friends was just starting its 2nd season.)

  • Jon Voigt (the father of crazy beautiful and just plain crazy Angelina Jolie. Voigt hasn't done much lately except for try to soak up some of the spotlight Angelina basks in these days.)

  • Angie Harmon (Wikipedia states that she "supports John McCain for President". So, if Wikipedia says it, you know it's true.)

  • Lorenzo Lamas (I'm sorry. As soon as I get done laughing, perhaps I'll throw in a little tidbit about LoLa. But it won't be any time soon. Lorenzo Lamas. Geez! That's reaching a bit.)

  • George Newburn ( According to Reuters, he played the groom in "The Father of the Bride" and I, for one, am going to take Reuters word for it. Is it getting cold in here?)

  • Patricia Heaton (The bitchy Deborah on "Everybody Loves Raymond". Yeah, everybody but Deborah loved Raymond. She's helping McCain how exactly? Hopefully not with the same charm she "helped" Raymond with.)

  • Tori Spelling (Oh, wait. Never mind. The former "90210" actress was at the Beverly Hilton, but not for the fund raiser, so she doesn't count as anything "warm" for John McCain. Thank God.)

OK, so, um....f-ing hell, where do I start? Well, it turns out that Daddy Yankee is NOT George Steinbrenner, but some Puerto Rican rapper that no one has ever heard of. Go figure. Sure, that'll help John McCain win votes from the voters in Puerto Rico. Wait. What? Puerto Rico doesn't get to vote? Are you sure? Huh. It is getting chilly in here.

Seriously, John McCain? This is the best you can do? Lieutenant Dan and Deborah? That's "warming up to Hollywood"? It is only if you're warming up some milk before you hit the sack at 6:30pm. Tori Spelling was your only shot and she was just lost! (No surprise, of course, but she couldn't have hurt things at this point.)
And this is supposed to help McCain look Compared to Barry and who he hangs with? Let's not forget something. Barry is friends with The Oprah. You're going to need quite the name if you want to "warm up" to Hollywood the way that everything "warms up" when The Oprah is around it. And I'm telling you right now, Lorenzo Lamas is not the way to get that fire started. Not even close.

Come on, McCain! There has to be someone who you can get on your side that everyone knows and that a lot of people like! Look, if Barry gets The Oprah, what say your people try to make a deal with his people and you get Gayle? She could probably use the work, right? She's going to need to untie those apron strings she's got knotted up with The Oprah one of these days, so how about now?

Just think about it. And while you're at it, you might want to rethink George Steinbrenner too. I'm not so sure that's going to do much for people who hate the Yankees.

And while I'm at it, hey Reuters! Come on! You call these G-List celebs how McCain is going to "warm up to Hollywood"? I'm not asking you to BE the news, just report on it. Accurately. And maybe even report on it like you give a crap once in a while. No, not about the story itself, but about what you write. You know, just so people don't think you're a moron. Any more. Wow. I was right. It is chilly in here.

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