Sunday, August 3, 2008

Montauk Monster Mayhem

OK, what the hell? I like the Internet and all, but sometimes, all of those tubes and pipes and wires and strings that connect everything together can just end up to serve the purpose of pointing out either a) how gullible people are, b) how ridiculous people are or c) a little bit of both. (On occasion, it can also be used to point out d) how hot some people are. But when they're d) hot with a little bit of b) ridiculous thrown in, they end up just e) annoying the hell out of me.)

So, this "creature" thing "washes up" on the shores on Montauk. Well,actually, it was photographed lying on the shores of Montauk. (Hmm...the key word there might actually be "lying'. Interesting.) How it got there is debatable. Who saw it is debatable. What happened to it is also debatable. And what's really debatable is what in the hell it is! Seriously, look at this thing:

Whatever it is, it's disgusting. It's like they took a bit too long digging the fire pit at the luau and the thing just languished in the sun for far too long. I don't get it. But I do get this: Weird-ass animal things that look like old, bald, dead dogs don't "wash up" on the shores of a beach on Montauk. They also don't go to the shores of Montauk to die a la some elephant graveyard legend. (I'm pretty sure there was a Scooby Doo episode that exposed that whole farce.) And three fairly hot chicks like that (who may or may not have a cumulative IQ of 100) don't have the stomach to belly on up to the creature and take it's picture. No way. So what gives?
Well, Nick Leighton from Plum TV tried to get to the bottom of it. And I'm sure that he was as forceful as he possibly could be (which is to say, not very. He's a rather effeminate chap, don't you know? But I liked him. He asked good questions.), just short of smacking the chicks with his feather boa.

During his interview with Rachel Goldberg, Jenna Hewitt and Courtney Fruin, Nick said, "
Four scientists say that it does not exist. They all say you're drunk and that you Photoshop really well." That was met with the response, "The animal exists." OK, see, a response like that which alludes to something, but could also allude to something else points one in the direction of concluding that it's a real fake creature. She might just as well have said, "Oh, it's something, all right." Well, we know it's something, sweetheart. Same principle. Any ideas as to what? "A mutant." Of course! How could I have overlooked the possibility of "a mutant". Oh, for cryin' out loud, a mutant what?! But sadly (or thankfully) that question wasn't answered because another one volunteered her theory of, "It's a cross breed. I think it came out of the ocean from Plum Island." So, it's a plum? I don't think so.

But I loved it when Nick asked, "Where is the animal now? Because apparently it got dragged off into someone's home. In Montauk. And it's been mounted on someone's wall." That's pretty funny. Even funnier is when one of the girls said, "No. It decomposed in someone's backyard." And Nick, who is very sharp and catches on to details like this really fast, jumps in with, "Oh, so you're friends? So we could go to this backyard?" Good job, Nick! Way to get the scoop! And? "It's been since...removed." What? "By whom?" You get 'em, Nick! Let's see them get out of that! "Friends of ours." Darn! I did not see that coming. Apparently, neither did Nick because he told them, "You're a little shady with the details." And here's where what little, if any, credibility these three chickies had goes right out the window. "Well, it's very mysterious. We're not just giving up all the information." Um, what?

First of all, the only time I've ever heard someone say, "Well, it's very mysterious" was on Scooby Doo. Usually it was Velma stating the obvious there. And when something is "very mysterious" you don't have any information to give up because it's mysterious. Hence the term, mysterious!

But Nick soldiers on (don't ask, don't tell, don't you know?) with, "So it's been carted off to somewhere that you know but you won't tell us?" "Our friends have it. We're hoping to have scientists contact us and then we can find out what it is. That's really ...the goal." Is it now? I don't think that's your main goal. And what do you mean your "friends have it?" Right! Look, I really like the friends that I have, but if any of them came to me and said, "Hey, we found this crazy looking, dead mutant on the beach. Mind if I keep it at your place for a while?" Yeah, see, I'm not going to do that. If it was just crazy looking or just a mutant, I might consider it. But dead is out of the question. If you start hanging on to your friend's dead carcasses, pretty soon, all of your friends are bringing over their dead carcasses as well. It's just more trouble than it's worth is all I'm saying. But I digress.

"It's in a box. The bones are boxed." Now it's just bones? How long does it take for fake, mysterious creatures to decompose? That thing looked pretty meaty. It wouldn't be overnight. So Nick tries to pin them down with specifics. "How do we know it's not a raccoon, a turtle without it's shell, or a dog?" (OK, that's quite the variety there, Nick. Perhaps next time, what say you narrow the field down a bit.) "What we've heard from a scientist at Stonybrook University is it's not a raccoon because the legs and arms are not in proportion with the body." Wait a minute. Weren't they waiting for hear from the scientists to tell them what it was? What happened to this Stonybrook Farm guy? He wasn't good enough or what?

Come on, Nick. Do your thing. "OK, proportions. Dog?" "It's not a dog because of, um, the feet." Because of the feet? All dogs that I've had AND seen in my lifetime have, surprisingly enough, HAD feet. What kind of mutant dogs does that chick keep for pets anyway? WTF? One more, Nick. "The feet. OK." But before Nick could get to his final question, one of the chicks piped up, "And a turtle doesn't have teeth." At that point, I expected them to stand up, spread their collective arms and shout, "Ta-da!" But they didn't. It was a little anticlimactic.

Well, whatever it is, I'm sure that we'll find out about it in a couple of days. The story is starting to fall apart here and there and it's looking more and more like it might be part of some Internet marketing campaign for some show that's going to be airing on Cartoon Network called Cryptids Are Real. Nice. I hate that crap. Hey, but if it is just a promo, then what's the creature?

Jeff Corwin of Animal Planet says that what we have here is a very rare.....raccoon. Wait. What?

Hey, does this look like a raccoon to you?

I've seen raccoons before. They look like this:

They do not look like this:

Now, I'm not saying that he's wrong. After all, he does work for the Animal Planet. But maybe his Animal Planet doesn't have animals like this planet because that is not a freaking raccoon. Just to be clear again, this is a raccoon. Please note the difference between the real raccoon and the pictures above that crazy people are saying is a raccoon.

We'll see how this turns out. (I still don't think it's going to be a raccoon, but that doesn't mean I think it's going to be an ocean mutant either.) Stay tuned, won't ye?

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Anonymous said...

Mare said...

That was an interesting video. Thanks for the link. So if it's not a dog, what is it?

Thanks for reading.

~ M