Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Olsen Twin Immunity



Mary Kate Olsen, who was the first person called by the masseuse who found Heath Ledger "unresponsive" (translation: croaked), has apparently not been all that cooperative with authorities who would like to interview her. This according to the fine, witty folks over there at The New York Post No, the waif-life, insect eyed, former child star of Full House has asked for "immunity from prosecution" before she will talk to the police. Hmmm. Interesting.

See, now I don't know why this has taken so long. After Heath turned up all John Belushi and stuff, and as the story came out, a lot of things just didn't make sense at first. Things like the masseuse calling Mary Kate Olsen before dialing 911. And while that DOES sound odd, you have to think about it in the context of rich people who party and use drugs.



First of all, apparently Mary-Kate and Heath knew each other because they had something in common. Partying. Oh, and they both smoked Marlboro Reds, which I'm sure is relevant in some circles. Partiers, the hard core partiers, have an unspoken code that is as strong as 'Semper Fi' is to a Marine. That code is to always cover each other's ass. Hard core partiers are like the MacGyver's of the Underworld. They can know that a fellow party buddy is in trouble and concoct just about any type of situation, story or device that will help out said buddy. And they must have a phone tree system in place that rivals the best of them. If a fellow druggie is in need, they can get in touch with each other in a flash. It's amazing.

But the point is that Heath had, allegedly, had "issues" with "substances" before and there was a lot of ass covering going on in previous instances. So, this might just have been, "Oh, great. Heath won't get up. Here we go again. I know the drill. Where's that phone tree list?" Next thing you know, the troops are over cleaning him up and sending him on his way. Only that day, it didn't go quite like that.


Think of it like this: Masseuse goes in, there's her client. Naked. Lying there. Could just be sleeping soundly. (Remember, you're not expecting him to be dead. Sleeping is the first thing that would come to mind.) Sleeping that soundly is a little strange. Maybe something is wrong. But what if it's not? How close can she get before it gets weird? Tries to remember the protocol for situations when it's appropriate to approach and possibly poke a naked client to determine responsivity. Draws a blank. What to do? What to do? Sees dude's cell. Looks for something or someone. A-ha! Mary-Kate! That Olsen twin. I'll call her!

Now, while that may sound nuts, at that point, you're really searching for anything that is familiar and normal to grasp onto. And I realize that "familiar and normal" doesn't exactly describe Mary-Kate Olsen to a tee, but you'll take what you can get at times like those. (She could also be described as being difficult "to grasp", but again, you'll take what you can get.)

And it was Mary-Kate's security folk (the rich, former child stars of the world always have security folk at their beck and call, don't you know?) who actually arrived before the paramedics did. They might not seem like the most useful people to have show up immediately, but you have to understand the mind of a druggie and how things work in DruggieLand.

They're a sorry bunch all right, but they look out for each other. They are constantly cleaning up after one another. If someone stays out too late partying and then someone else can't wake their ass up in the morning, they call the druggie friends and they come over and help get the druggie up. Because if they don't help them out, then it could get out that the druggie is a druggie and that's never good for anyone. And if the druggie is famous and wants to avoid being known as the famous druggie, then situations like a guy not waking up for his massage become a little more urgent.


There's a lot of secrecy in the drug world as far as what goes on in there. There's not a lot of secrecy that those involved IN the drug world are on drugs. Oh, THEY think that they've fooled everyone. But as we were all looking at Mary-Kate Olsen a week before she went into treatment for an eating disorder when she appeared to weigh approximately 45 pounds soaking wet, her people all said, "She's fine. She's just tired." Yeah, I'd agree. DEATH does look tired like that, I'll give them that one. Spare me. From what I can tell, before she went into treatment, that girl's diet must have consisted solely of dust and Chiclets. Oh, but she's fine! OK. Whatever.


I guess ol' Heath had some Oxycontin that was obtained "illegally" and they still haven't found out where he got it. Hmmm...Hey, Mary Kate....do YOU know where Heath got the Oxycontin? Whaaaattt? You want immunity from prosecution? Oh, well, I'm sure that you had NOTHING to do with it and you'd probably be of little or no help to our investigation at all. Next!" I wonder if SHE asked for the immunity or if she has a lawyer who asked for her. I'd give her credit if she did it on her own, as it doesn't look like a single coherent idea could go through that brain once a week, let alone at a time when it would be appropriate. Oh, wait, I take some of that back. She probably knows where all of the Starbucks are. That might be useful.

Hey, what if they arrested Mary-Kate? They'd have a problem on their hands, that's for sure. I mean, for starters, they'd probably have to lock her in a closet or something because she could just walk right through the spaces between those bars and out of her cell. They'd never be able to contain her in a regular cell. Do they have children's sized handcuffs? Because her wrists are about the same thickness as pretzel sticks and I can't see regular cuffs doing much in the way of containment there.


This can only get more interesting as more stuff comes out. Stay tuned, won't ye?

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1 comment:

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I have experienced some of these side effects-
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Kim Adam