Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Sportin' A Condom

Ah, the Olympics. And with every Olympics comes the Olympic Village. Here's your basic Olympic Village scenario. The vast majority of the athletes will reside in the Olympic Village during the two weeks that the games are going on. Now remember, these are Olympic athletes, the average age of which is around 27 and the average physique of which is around "Oh, my God." So you take a bunch of 27 year old, hard bodied, good looking athletes and put them all up for a couple of weeks in the same, ungoverned accommodations for a couple of weeks and what do you get? Fornication Nation, that is correct.

Come on, you've heard about how wild the Olympic Village can get. And even though I know it's still pretty rowdy, I also know that it used to be a lot more rowdy in previous years. You know, before they really started testing for performance enhancing drugs and the testosterone was flowing like water through an open spigot. Don't get me wrong, there's still a lot of testosterone flowing in the Olympic Village. Mix that in with just a little bit of ego and a long time fantasy involving parallel bars and a balance beam (giving a whole new meaning to the term "floor exercise") and you've got yourself a sex fest. As one athlete put it, "It’s not an orgy, but it is socially vigorous." (I'm going to remember that term in the wild hope that I will one day get to use it. Or, at the very least, be socially vigorous Just once. Please?)


And fortunately for our amusement and enjoyment, the Chinese condom manufacturer Elasun has come up with a way to combine the spirit and tradition of Olympic athletes screwing like crazed weasels on crack with advertising ingenuity to bring us Olympic themed condom advertisements, starring none other than the oh-so-versatile condom itself. Behold! The Condomization of the Beijing Olympics!

Olympic Basketball Condom. This gives a whole new meaning to the term "slam dunk".



Olympic Archery Condom. The ol' "bull's eye" will never be the same.

This one confused me at first. I wasn't sure why the horny stick figure was hiding behind a radiator. But it turns out this condom is supposed to represent water, thus, the Olympic Swimming Condom.



Olympic Breast Nipples Condoms. Oh, whoops. Sorry. I meant, Olympic Gymnastics Condoms. (Once I saw the lines coming out of them, I realized they were supposed to be the rings, NOT the nipples. Easy mistake.)

And finally, Olympic Cycling Condom. (It also looks like Olympic stick figure getting ready for all of the Olympic Village Humping.)


The Elasun condoms are made in China (probably out of that same melamine stuff that ended up in our pet food). And in the age old tradition of having Chinese to English translations being less than grammatically correct but more than amusing, Elasun does not disappoint us with their slogan:

Sports make you health!


Well, OK then. Good luck, athletes. Enjoy all your wild, uninhibited, no strings attached sex with other good looking, hard-bodied and horny Olympic athletes in your Coital Kingdom for the next couple of weeks. And please, all of you horny guy athletes over there, please do everyone (especially yourself) a favor a wear a condom. If all of the stories about all of the Olympic Village sex are true, you're really going to want to wear one because by the end of the games, even you won't know where yours has been!

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