Monday, August 18, 2008

After Kidnapping The Missionary For Sex.....

Look, if you're going to do something that might be thought of as "kind of crazy", but might be just "crazy enough" to get your name out there and your face on TV and all over the Internet, you might want to reconsider that "kind of crazy" thing that you're thinking of doing. You know, just in case you do it and then when people see your face they realize that you are the same woman who kidnapped a Mormon missionary in England 31 years ago and held him as your sex slave for a few days because you manacled him to your bed with mink lined handcuffs. Just in case of something like that is all that I'm saying. Wait. What?

Meet Bernann McKinney.


Obviously, she's crazy. She doesn't think so, but the one definitive sign that someone IS crazy is if they don't think that they are. Yeah, if they think they're sane, they're nuts. For sure. Anyway, Bernann McKinney paid $53,000 to a firm in South Korea to have her pit bull, Booger, replicated a la cloning. $53,000? For a pit bull to be cloned? Don't all puppies kind of look alike? (They're like babies. They're all the same until they open their eyes and start moving around and stuff.) That's ridiculous. I could have given her something similar to her cloned dog for half that price. "Thank you, ma'am. Now, what kind of a dog did you say he was? Pit bull? Fine. What color? Black? Great. OK, have a seat, and we'll be right back with your dog. Oh, yes. We're VERY quick! Be right back!" And then I'd disappear behind some curtain or door with stars on it and head to the pound. "Here you go, ma'am. Oh, look! He seems to remember you! How nice. There's the door, enjoy your dog. Goodbye." All that and for half of the South Korean price. I am offering quite the bargain if I do say so myself.

So the crazy lady pays fifty thousand clams for five baby Boogers and that is more than enough for various news media to run with the story. (Hey, the name Booger would have been plenty for media like MSNBC. The cloned pit bull story was just extra for them.) And that's when a whole bunch of folks over in England saw her picture and thought, "Wow. That woman's nuts. She reminds me of that one lady. You know, back in '77. The woman who kidnapped that young, Mormon missionary chap and handcuffed him to her bed with mink lined handcuffs for 3 days and forced him to have sex with her?? Yeah, she looks a lot....like.....wait a minute...." You see where this is going, right?

Turns out, Bernann McKinney and a one Joyce McKinney are the same person. And Joyce McKinney did just what was described. She kidnapped a Mormon missionary named Kirk Anderson and tried to persuade him to marry her and to father her children. When that didn't work (I can't imagine WHY he wouldn't consent to something like that! Especially when asked after being kidnapped and handcuffed and all. It's a stumper as to why he turned her down all right.) she tried the ol' see-through lingerie bit. That wasn't any more convincing that just the asking, so that's when she forced him to have sex with her. He did finally manged to escape and report this weirdness to the authorities and she was arrested.

This is where you will see how the US legal system differs from the legal system over there in England. Apparently she was held in jail for 3 months. But that's when her "mental health" started to fail. So what is the most logical thing to do in a situation like that? Correct, you let the person out on bail because they're too crazy to be in jail. Does no one see how that might work in theory (even though it doesn't) but the real world applications of such a notion are just impractical? Well, if anyone did realize that, it was long after Joyce got herself a fake passport and fled the country.

Back to the kidnapped missionary for a moment. Obviously she was obsessed with the guy. She even told the court (you know, before all of the fleeing) that "I loved him so much that I would ski naked down Mt Everest with a carnation up my nose if he asked me to." Can we all just be thankful that he did NOT ever ask her to do that. (Can you ski down Everest? Never mind.) He didn't feel exactly the same way. No, in fact, he told the court, "I couldn't move. She grabbed the top of my pyjamas and tore them from my body until I was naked. I didn't wish it to happen. I was extremely depressed and upset after being forced to have sex." Dude, the depression after sex happens much more often when you're a chick. Be glad you got what you got.

At some point after all of the kidnapping and sex-having, she was the subject of a book called “Joyce McKinney and the Manacled Mormon." (Catchy.) A full 16 pages of semi-nude modeling she had done for a whole bunch of magazines with a common theme of bondage. Of course she did. Gotta make a living. Here she is in the 1970s.



Of course, because she's crazy, she flat out denied being the sex-crazed missionary kidnapped of the 1970s. But she denied it in a rather defensive way, usually by saying, "If that is what you want to talk about then I don’t want to talk to you." See because people who are not guilty of kidnapping missionaries (for the purpose of having sex with them and maybe or maybe not skiing naked down Mount Everest with a carnation inserted into ones olfactory orifice) usually just say, "I didn't kidnap a missionary. Would you like to see my cloned dogs?" But she didn't. Because she did. But would you be surprised to learn that's not all that she did? Of course not. Because she's crazy.

Fast forward to 2004 (you'll also be fast forwarding through a whole bunch of other weirdness that I'm sure we know nothing about. Yet.) and get yourself to Tennessee. That's when and where Joyce McKinney was charged with burglary and corrupting a child. But it's not what you think. It's just because she convinced a 15-year old boy (who probably should have known better. But, then again, it is Tennessee.) to break into a house because she needed money for a prosthetic leg. Oh, did I mention the leg was for her beloved 3-legged horse? Yeah, it was. WTF?

Now this is about where I draw the line. The line for what, I don't know, but there should be a line of some sort with all of this stuff included. Cloned pit bulls, abducted Mormon missionaries, three legged equines, what in the hell is wrong with this woman?! And these are just the things that we know about. And there's about 26-27 years that are unaccounted for in between that we don't know about. Yet.

What else does this woman possibly have to hide? (At the very least, it's likely she's had a sex change or two along the way. Actually, the way this has been going, she probably performed a couple of sex changes along the way.) She wanted a prosthetic leg for her horse and she cloned her dog, so maybe there's more animal goodness in her past. Perhaps she purchased some bifocals for a giant tortoise. Or maybe she procured a hook for a 7-limbed octopus or something like that. Ear muffs for a polar bear. Who the hell knows? She's nuts!

I guess someone should have told her that all of those tubes and wires and stuff that make up the Internet are also intercontinental tubes and wires and people in far away lands where you once abducted their missionary are going to see you and remember you. And then you won't be the crazy lady who cloned her dog. You'll be the crazier lady who cloned her dog and kidnapped the Mormon fellow. I'm not sure what you're going to be when we get the details of the 26-27 years in between. Hopefully, if anything, you'll be committed.

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