Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Idiots Impersonating News

Little did I know I would be doing a follow up to the post about the horrific site which bills itself as "news and information for the emerald coast". (Yes, all lower case letters.) Judging from the stories that they have on their site that are masquerading as news, I'd have to conclude that those living on "the emerald coast" are a) white trash and b) morons, two terms which are easily simplified by using the moniker c) white trash morons instead.

See, if the stories that they have are all that they have going for them over there, it's really a sad statement of affairs for the Emerald Coast area. Really sad. So sad that we should all be rooting for that hurricane to head full speed ahead directly for the Emerald Coast. In the meantime, let's see what Trashy McTrailer-Park and cohorts are up to today, shall we?

Headline: "Mom to police: He only drinks on weekends." That was the statement given to the police who had responded to an altercation between a woman (who was on the phone with her mother at the time) and her boyfriend. See, the woman and the boyfriend were arguing because she "was upset because he would not give her money to buy crack cocaine". (I know! The nerve!) Now, because she was upset, that was why he left the room and returned with "a machete and threatened to cut her to pieces." That's when the girlfriend's Mom arrived and explained the how the boyfriend only drinks on the weekends. No word on whether he only threatens to slice and dice his girlfriend with his machete on the weekends as well. The girlfriend, of course, didn't want to press charges (Why would she? It's right there, he only drinks on the weekends! Geez!), but fortunately, since she had already made the machete statement, the police arrested him for aggravated assault with a deadly weapon anyway. Again, those cops? Not paid anywhere near what they're worth.

From what I can tell, most of those on the Emerald Coast are drunk. All the time. And then do something inexplicable and the cops show up. (Repeat as needed.) Thus the headline, "Drunken man threatens K-9, waves knife at passing cars." Oh, for crying out loud, what the hell? The police received a complaint about "a man waving a knife around and yelling at passing vehicles." No word on what he was yelling, which is really unfortunate because that would likely be very entertaining. The police report stated that they practically knew the guy personally because they've arrested him so many times and that every time he's been arrested (wait for it) he's been drunk. Shocking, I know. This time he claimed he was "just sharpening it" when asked what he was doing with the knife. The police reported noted that " the man did not have anything to sharpen it with." (Oooh. See, those Emerald Coast folks really need to think these things through a little bit more.) The guy could barely stand up due to all the drunkenness, but despite his impairment, he managed to reach into the back ot the patrol car and threaten to kill the police dog, Lala. Nice move. Brilliant. He was arrested again, charged with intoxication again, and I'm sure they'll arrest him again next week. Or tomorrow. Could have already happened.

More "news": "Man wearing a stringer full of fish tells officers he has no fish". (See blurb above about needing to think these things through a little bit more.) "A man who was wading the shoreline wearing a stringer on his belt told a Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission officer that he had no fish. The officer asked again, and the man again denied having fish. Finally, the officer pointed to the stringer on his belt, which contained a legal gray snapper and an oversized redfish. The fisherman was cited." Apparently, all of the residents of the Emerald Coast have the thought processes of five year olds. A five year old will be totally busted doing something and with a straight face will deliver a deadpan denial of the blatantly obvious. Same with Fish von String-Belt there. Dude, I can SEE the FISH! What fish? I don't have any fish.

This next "news" incident will sum up exactly who we're dealing with down there on the Emerald Coast. Good Lord. It was not what I was expecting when I read the headline, "Florosa traffic light doesn't work as smoothly as planned." Hey, that could legitimately be news. A new traffic light is installed and the thing doesn't work right and causes mayhem at the intersection? Sure, total news, right there. But the thing is, that wasn't the problem. "Parents and other commuters got their turn playing Red light, Green light on Monday morning as a long-awaited traffic signal was in full effect at Florosa Elementary School." OK. See, at this point, I'm still thinking this is normal. It's not. "People are going to have to get acclimated to it," said Nicole Wagner, spokesperson for the Okaloosa County Sheriff's Office. Wagner said the Sheriff's Office had three traffic units on scene to make sure the light and drivers worked well together." Wait. What?

THREE traffic units to make sure that the light and drivers did what?! Worked well together?! What in the hell does that mean? Stopped when it was red? Drove when it was green?! Is this a concept that is so foreign to people that it requires THREE traffic units to monitor and direct the process?! It's a freaking TRAFFIC LIGHT!! They've become rather popular and are quite common in most parts of the civilized world. "They did have a traffic backup," Wagner said. "We did have to intercede and direct traffic." Oh. My. God. Were dogs driving these cars? Why was there such a hard time with a traffic light?! "We have to have a little order," said Florosa Elementary School Principal Carolyn Lulue. "It should keep us all safer. I know there are some people who have a little trepidation about it, but I think it really is for the best." Do you now? You just have to have your "little order" now, do you? Imagine! Seriously, WTF?! I'd really like to talk to those who have all the "trepidation" about being "safer". I'd really like to hear from the proponents of chaos and danger outside of an elementary school. Maybe they have a valid point. (Then again, maybe they're drunk live everyone else on the Emerald Coast.)

And finally, just as the gene cess pool begins to overflow with dementia, we have this gem of a headline, "Intoxicated man gives officer condom box instead of driver's license." ::::sigh:::: What? Yep. Some drunken 20-year old is sleeping in his car on the side of the road at 5 am when police officers woke him up. The guy didn't really know where he was and when he was asked for a driver's license, he handed the cop "two different pairs of sunglasses and an empty box of condoms." Well, that is certainly unlike any driver's license I have ever seen. I wonder what the female version would be? Three pairs of sunglasses and an empty box of tampons? T"hen, he gave the officer a half-full cold Fosters beer from the center console, telling him that he'd opened it earlier but hadn't drunk much of it." You know the drill. He was arrested, blah, blah, blah. should change their subtitle from "news and information for the emerald coast" to "Alcohol May Have Been Involved"

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