Sunday, August 17, 2008

Xing's Thing - Schwing!

You may or may not choose to remember the guy who had sex with a picnic table a couple of months ago. (If you're not writing things like this blog, I'm kind of hoping you're one of the ones who chooses to NOT remember stuff like that. Me? I have to. It makes me more jaded and sarcastic.) If you have chosen not to remember or you somehow, thankfully, missed that story, it is just what it sounds like. A guy, a picnic table and a penis. (Soon to be a Made For TV Movie on Lifetime!) Put those three things together and let the sweet, sweet love ensue.

And I never thought I'd be saying this, but as it turns out, that guy at least had enough sense (or luck) to choose a picnic table that was plastic. And one that he could actually remove his penis from. Do you see where this is going? Of course you do. That's right. There is actually another moronic pervert out there in the world, this time in Japan, who had sex with a park bench. Only this time the inanimate object was metal (ouch!) AND this time he could not remove his penis from the sexy, sexy opening which must have lured the man into it's evil lair.

Sweet mother of God. WHAT?!

Now hold on a minute there. (Hmm...yeah, OK, pun intended.) Did I mention that there's video of the rescue? I didn't. There is. There's video. (Now, at this point you have three choices. Watch the video. Don't watch the video. Run away screaming. You choose. All make perfect sense. There is no wrong answer.) And here it is. (It's about what you'd expect. A reporter talking in Japanese and a bunch of rescue personnel hovering around an individual uttering painful moans every few seconds. Hilarity doesn't really ensue, but it's entertaining.)

I think I'm getting a little bit ahead of myself here. I'm putting the penis before the bench. Or is it the bench before the penis? Hmmm. I guess I'm confused because you shouldn't have a PENIS and a BENCH together AT ALL! Yeah, I think that's where I had the problem. But not as big of a problem as 41-year old Le Xing had when he inserted his penis into a hole in a metal park bench in Hong Kong. Unfortunately, because it was a "park bench" it was, as the name implies, in a park.

According to the fine blokes down under at (bringing you news you can use like this every day!), "At least a dozen police and emergency services workers were called to the park in Hong Kong after 41-year-old Le Xing’s penis became trapped in a hole, apparently after he became aroused."

First of all, I find the phrase "penis became trapped in a hole" to be hysterical. That's almost never cause for alarm unless, of course, the "hole" isn't of the regular "hole" variety and instead is the "hole" of the park bench variety. Regardless, it's funny as hell. But I digress. I would like to have to a bit of clarification on something, as it's not clear as to whether or not the "arousal" occurred before or after all of the "inserting". I mean, if it was after, well, that makes sense, but why shove it in there if it's not all happy and stuff? I mean, if it was before (because who could resist that luscious metal bench, just sitting there with that hole looking all penile friendly and what not?) I guess I could see him going up to the bench, maybe offering to buy it a drink or something, but the process (ASIDE from the whole 'having sex with a metal bench in a park in Japan' process itself) doesn't seem to take the usual route that it would normally. The key word there being 'normally', a concept which is conspicuously absent from this tale. reports that, "...the “lonely and disturbed” Mr Xing told police he thought it would be fun to have sex with the bench." Now, what's with the quotes, Australian news guys? Why is "lonely and disturbed" in quotes? As if that's supposed to be just a saying and they want you to know that it's not necessarily true? I'm thinking the quotes are completely unnecessary. Lonely and disturbed would seem to sum it up. If you were worried about misrepresenting the man's disposition, I suppose you could leave off the "lonely" part and be completely accurate. After all, it's his penis. It's in a metal park bench. The man, his penis and the bench are all in a park. That qualifies for disturbed, I don't care what continent you're in or what park bench your penis is in. That's disturbed and that's without any quotes.

But here's where things start to get weird. "Doctors had tried to drain some of Mr Xing’s blood in an attempt to loosen his penis, but to no avail." Whaaaaaa.....????? How does THAT work? Drain some blood from....? His penis? OK, I don't even have one, but ow, ow, OW!! And what does "to no avail" mean? How does draining blood NOT work? You poke a hole in something containing blood, such as a person, and the blood comes out, thus "draining" the blood. How does that not work?! And really, the term "to loosen his penis" makes it sound like they're removing it from the guy, not from the bench. (And actually, in this case, it would probably be for the best. Use it correctly or lose it, that's the rule. Well, it's the rule NOW. I didn't know we needed a rule like that before.)

And explain this: "Rescuers eventually cut away part of the bench and Mr Xing was taken to hospital where doctors took another four hours to free him. They said if Mr Xing had been stuck for another hour they would have had to amputate his penis." They could cut away PART of the bench, but not ALL of it? Why is that? Was there no WD-40 handy for these fine, fine public servants who had to deal with the penile extraction of a maybe, maybe-not "lonely and disturbed" man fornicating in public with a park bench? I don't get it. But in case you were wondering just how long you could go with your penis crammed into a park bench's orifice before you'd have to have it amputated, the time frame seems to be firmly established at a little over four hours. So, guys, make sure you set that timer! You don't want to have your penis amputated just because you took too long whilst sexing up a park bench do you? Of course you don't. (No one does.) So plan ahead! Bring a kitchen timer or something with you. No need to go into this all willy-nilly. (Pun or something intended.)

I also ran across this story on a website that was in Spanish. (Yes, apparently getting your penis stuck in a park bench is funny no matter what part of the world you're in or what language you speak. See? We're all not so different after all. Except for that guy with his wang in the bench. He's very different.) It just sounds funnier when you read it in Spanish. Look: "El hombre, Le Xing, de 42 años, descrito como "solitario y perturbado", se masturbaba en el parque LanTian utilizando uno de los agujeros de la banca cuando ..."

I don't know exactly why, but I find "solitario y perturbado" extremely funny. There's something about "solitary and perturbed" as opposed to "lonely and disturbed" that makes it funnier. I'd really like to say that to someone, but I can't think of any other scenario where I would have an opportunity to do so unless it was one just like this one. (It's not like I can say it to the teller at the bank or anything like that.) "Hey, you! You with the penis in the bench! I find you solitary and perturbed! Now, begone!" Much better.

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Anonymous said...

Never underestimate America's capacity to ignore the World (or geography)

"this time in Japan" u write
in japan?

but u say it again
"having sex with a metal bench in a park in Japan"
are you sure?
im just askin because there are these sentences:

"41-year old Le Xing had when he inserted his penis into a hole in a metal park bench in Hong Kong."

"...called to the park in Hong Kong"

since when the japanese empire captured HongKong from the chinese??

oh yeah

and in that video in which "A reporter talking in Japanese"
its chinese
i dont know if its cantonese or mandarin but sure it's not japanese

Anonymous said...

As much as the guy that did this is pretty much an idiot, I'm not so sure how bright you are. Hong Kong is in CHINA, not Japan. Even the guy's name, "Le Xing" is not Japanese and to top everything off, the video that you posted is in Chinese!!

Maybe you should do your research next time.