Thursday, August 7, 2008

Be Careful What You Ask For...

...Because you just might get it. And that I did.

In the post prior to this one, I was irritated that, once again, I was reading a news story that had omitted crucial details after giving only a vague description of a situation in which the reader would only be wanting to know "what in the hell was he doing?". It was a story about a man, presumedly lonely, definitely weird, who was found naked on his couch with a (brace yourself) claw hammer, a plastic bag and some motor oil. Hilarity did not ensue. But that's all the story told you! (You're really going to want to read that one first before you finish this one. Trust me, order is good.)

You're given the ingredients to a pervert souffle, but no clue as to how to follow the recipe in order to get the desired result. (Well, the desired result for the pervert. The desired result for me, and the rest of us who are not fornicating with claw hammers, is that this stuff never happen.) And with something this, um, out of the ordinary, you really kind of want to know. OK, you really want to know. Until you do know. Then? Yeah, you don't want to know.

The fine folks over there at The Smoking Gun (which sounds a little perverted in and of itself, but it's really not) have produced the police reports that explain what Sicky McSpanks-A-Lot was doing with the claw hammer, the motor oil and the plastic bag. Needless to say, it wasn't pretty. Hell, we knew it wasn't pretty before we knew what he was doing. Now that we know?'s downright ugly. They were also kind enough to share a picture of one Ronald Miller, aged 56, who has an apparent attraction to construction hand tools and automotive lubrication. He looks about what you'd expect him to look like. Here:

He also looks like he's just a six pack away from chopping up a family of four with a hatchet. (So if he actually does one day, just remember you heard it here first!)

But now onto the police reports. There were three of them, one from each of the highly underpaid officers that had to respond to this insanity. They all say basically the same thing, just in different, but easy to understand terms. Here's what we've learned:
  • The guy was totally naked and had his windows and front door wide open so that all of the world could view him and his self important genitalia.

  • The officers who responded to this call witnessed Hammer Time "insert" an "object" into....look. I can't write it. I just can't. You can either figure it out or read the report (click the image below). First, let me give you a few hints:

  • Hint One: Don't forget about all of the "inserting".
  • Hint Two: The claw hammer was wrapped up in the plastic bag.

  • Hint Three: Orifice.

I think I speak for everyone when I say, "EEEWWWWW!!!!" Oh, and WTF?!?! Are you kidding me?!?! :::sigh::: Apparently not.

Police report number two uses the phrase "He was completely naked, and appeared to be covered in an oily substance." I don't know exactly why, but I find that pretty funny. "Appeared to be covered in an oily substance." Just in case, you know, he really wasn't covered in 10-40W motor oil and he just "appeared" as if he was. Always have to cover your ass if you're a cop. And actually, under these circumstances, that's really not a bad idea at all.

Police report number three indicates that he could see El Perv-Meister "inserting" things when the officer was still in the yard. That means that this guy was laying buck naked on his couch that was directly in front of his front door which was wide open. AND he was doing....that! And again I say, "EEEWWWWWW!!!!" And, of course, WTF?!?!
So what have we learned here? More than we wanted to, I'll tell you that. We've learned that some people really have too much time on their hands. We've also learned that the Home Depot slogan, "You can do it, we can help" makes us nervous when we think about it in relation to the claw hammer. And we've also learned that people like this guy make an excellent argument for the reasons that we should bring back the penal colony. (Pun oh-so intended there.)

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