50 Shades Of Elderly

Remember the three old ladies that hilariously reviewed Kim Kardashian's sex tape with some D-list rapper? Well, they're back again in the same hilarious fashion as they review the inexplicable literary hit, 50 Shades of Grey.  I'm not going to give away the farm here, but my favorite part is when (and this isn't for the kids, folks) the one lady asks what a "buttplug" is.  I don't know of any other object whose name is more synonymous with the use and purpose of the object.  OK, maybe something like an airplane or a trash can.  It's right there in the name.  It does what it says that it does.  I can understand not understanding it, but it's not that hard to figure out what it is, is it?  Anyway, here's their review.  And I've gotta say, they make some pretty good points.

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3 Awesome Grandmas

Turns out that while everyone seems to have heard that Kim Kardashian made a sex tape (that launched her into an inexplicable career that no one can define, but that continues to net her millions of dollars each year through her numerous television shows that no one can define either), not everyone has seen it.  I mean, of course I haven't seen it.  I would never do such a thing!  Nope.  Not me.  Uh-uh.  Wait.  Where was I?  Oh, right.  People other than me who haven't seen the sex tape.  It turns out that there are three older women out there and two of them hadn't seen it either.  But the third one had! As she filled the other two in on a little bit of what she had witnessed, they became a little more than intrigued.  Once they found out that it could be found on the Internet, the laptop came out and the viewing began!  And so did the commentary.  That's where the hilarity comes from.  These women are awesome.  I have the feeling that they've seen their share of stuff in their life.  Who hasn't?  This video only shows the three awesome ladies.  It does not show Kim or Ray J or anything that they do and any sort of foul language is bleeped out.  I'll let you decide from that description if this is a safe for work thing.  I guess it could be NSFW, but everything is just implied, so I don't know if that counts at where you work.  But if it does and you can't watch it there, please watch it when you get home.  You won't be sorry. 

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That's About Right

I don't know how I missed this one, but better late than never, I suppose. Apparently, last month, a woman named Christine Wright-Darrislaw called the White House and threatened President Barry. The nerve! In the complaint against her, it says that the White House operator who answered Wright's call said that she was "...screaming into the phone with regard to how unfair the child custody laws were and that she needed Obama to fix this." I guess she didn't understand that child custody laws aren't a federal matter. (And you know, all of that screaming isn't going to help her much. You'd think that people would realize this, but they don't. They just keep acting like lunatics and then wonder why everyone treats them accordingly.) And that's when she decided that it would be a good idea to tell the operator "I am going to (blank) and kill Obama."

I am dying to know what the (blank) is! I can't imagine what they could possibly need to redact in this context. I suppose it could be an obscenity, but that doesn't make sense. Why would she say she was going to f*** and kill President Barry? That doesn't make any sense. You know what? I'll bet it was effing kill! I'll bet that's what she said and it was just transcribed wrong. That makes more sense than to blank and kill. But I digress. Where was I?

Oh, right! The lunatic. Look, the highlight of this story is really the mugshot, so let's just get to it, shall we? Behold!

Seems about right, doesn't it? Totally. I find this to be absolutely hilarious. And spot on. That's exactly the face that I would expect from someone who called the White House and was screaming about child support and wanting to kill the President. Exactly the face.

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Here's Who We Need At The Oscars

The Oscars are tonight and I don't care about any of it. Oh, sure, I might watch a little bit of it, but it will mainly be to try to figure out why someone thought that Billy Crystal would make a good host this year. Hasn't his ship sailed? Seriously, what year is it? Who is that supposed to pander to? When was the last time he did a movie? Or anything for that matter? (I just checked IMDb. Looks like he did a voice in the movie Cars in 2006. Other than that, he hasn't done much that anyone would have actually seen on purpose. Looks like his last recognizable human role would have been that of the mattress salesman in The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle. I think I've made my point.) Yes, he used to be very funny and very relevant at one point. But that point is so far away that it looks like a dot to you. Eddie Murphy was supposed to host, but that didn't work out for some reason. And someone thought that an adequate replacement for Eddie Murphy would be Billy Crystal?! How does that happen? I don't know.

And I really don't care because, as I have already said, I don't care. But you know what would make me watch? Do you know who Sophia Grace and Rosie are? I didn't either until the other day. They are these two adorable little girls who Ellen has had on her show a few times. They're really into music and did a fabulous stint on the red carpet at the Grammys. (So many people knew who they were! I was so clueless.) They're as adorable as they are hilarious. My favorite quote was when Ellen asked them if they got nervous when they were at the Grammys. One of them answered, "We weren't nervous, but we were hungry." (I hear ya, kid. I can get through just about anything, but I'm gonna need a snack.) See for yourself. They're great. We need more Sophia Grace and Rosie and less Billy Crystal at awards shows.

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Watch Where You're Going

Texting while driving? Bad. Texting while walking? Hilarious...if you're in a mall and you end up doing a header into the mall fountain! For now, just enjoy the gloriousness that is this dingbat tripping and falling into a fountain because she wasn't watching where she was going. Yes, I've heard that she is thinking about suing the mall because of this. I've also heard that she has a rather colorful history with the law and seems to be an overall despicable individual. (I also heard her giving an interview to some organization in which she says that she called her husband after she did her swan dive to tell him what happened. That's fine. What isn't so fine is that she explains that she refers to her husband as "Daddy". Yeah, I'm done here.)

Side note: Blogger was being all weird when I was trying to post this, so if the video doesn't work, try accessing it over at YouTube.

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Steven Slater - My Hero

If you haven't heard the name Steven Slater by now, you will. And you will be glad that you did. This guy takes awesome to a completely different level. If you're going to give an impromptu resignation from your job, take some tips from Steven on how to go out in style.

See, Steven was a flight attendant working for JetBlue. The flight he was working had just landed at JFK when some idiot passenger does what at least one person does on every single flight that I've taken. They get up the second that plane hits the ground. Where do you people think that you're going? You're trapped inside of a metal tube. You're not going anywhere for at LEAST another five minutes and you're not getting OUT of the plane for at LEAST another eight minutes. Sit your ass down and wait until the freaking plane has at least stopped, you morons.

Seriously, you people jump for that overhead compartment as if it was on some sort of 'first come, first serve' basis, what are you thinking? It's not like there is going to be a better selection of luggage for you if you get the first. It doesn't work like that. It's not a sale. Generally speaking, you're supposed to exit the aircraft with the exact same bags that you brought onto the aircraft. What's your hurry?

According to the NY Post, Slater had an "...argument with a passenger, who sources said told Slater "to f--- off" after being told by Slater not to remove baggage from the overhead compartment." Granted, this flight originated in Pittsburgh and landed in New York, so I'm not overly surprised that this sort of individual was on the flight, but still. Do you really need to tell anyone that you don't know to f**k off? Especially when you're the one in the wrong? I don't think you do.

After that "The passenger insisted on opening the overhead compartment, hitting Slater in the head with the door as it dropped down." See?! This is why we don't do that. You moron. That was apparently the tipping point for our hero, Steven. As passengers were herding themselves (likely as always in the most ineffective fashion ever) toward the exit, our boy Steven got on the intercom and bellowed, "I've had it! To the f----ing ass---- that told me to f--- off, it’s been a good 28 years!" And it only gets better.

He then pulled the lever that activates the plane's inflatable evacuation chute. Nice touch. He then threw his bags down the slide, but before he slid down after them, there was one more thing he needed to make sure he took with him. That's right. He grabbed a beer off of the beverage cart and then slid down the slide to freedom. How awesome is that?

The tale doesn't quite end there. Steven grabbed his bags and kept a firm grip on his beer as he ran across the tarmac and caught the AirTrain to the employee parking lot where he got in his car and drove home. Just picture this in your head. Let's say your on the flight and you've just heard an airline employee cuss someone out on the intercom. Your interest would be piqued. Imagine how great it would be when you turned around to see what was going on and saw our hero, beer in hand, go sliding down that inflatable chute and then run across the tarmac! That might be the best thing I had ever seen in my life! It's one of the best things I've ever read about, I'll tell you that much.

Sadly, Steven's tale doesn't end there. No, according to the NY Post again, Steven had "...raced home to Belle Harbor, where he hopped into bed with his boyfriend." It is there and presumably in that position (or at least in some sort of position) that the cops arrested him and charged him with criminal mischief and reckless endangerment. Not a bad end to a pretty good day if you're asking me. You quit your job in style, get laid, get arrested and become an instant folk hero in the process. Well done, sir. Well done, indeed.

I hope that the tool who wouldn't sit down and who just had to get her bags out of the overhead compartment and told Steven to "f**k off" will face some sort of charge as well. Isn't that interfering with a flight crew or something like that? There has to be something. But even if there isn't, I think Steven is going to be OK. And I'm pretty sure that in the end he'll be a lot better off with this sort of a tale to follow him around. Who wouldn't want to be able to say that's how they quit their job? No one.

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Have YOU Seen Chicago?

I just knew that Lindsay Lohan would be the gift that keeps on giving. I just didn't know that all of the gift giving was going to begin so soon! And this is only going to get better. See, she's not supposed to report to jail until July 20th, so the shenanigans have a full 8 days to really get a-hoppin'. And they're starting...now!


A HUGE thank you to the pop-culture minded folks over at PopEater for their article which allowed me to start my day with a huge smile. A big pile of awesome sauce was what that story consisted of. Allow me to share my joy with you and recap the gist of the article.

As I'm sure you remember with glee, when Lindsay was (theoretically) sentenced to 90 days in jail last week, she burst into tears as if she had learned that she just missed a happy hour. Meanwhile, the rest of the country burst out laughing. It's always nice to see a self-centered, almost washed up celebrity get their long overdue come-uppance. Always a pleasure, indeed.

But here's the thing: According to a one Rob Shuter who provided us with this humorous update over at PopEater, Lindsay isn't worried about jail anymore. Nope. That's not a problem for her. Why not? Oh, because she doesn't think she'll have to go, of course. According to the source (named "a friend of Lohan's"), "Lindsay has no intention of going to jail. The only thing that Lindsay did wrong was hire the wrong attorney and now she has fixed that." Oh, really?

I never would have thought that I would have had anything in common with Lindsay Lohan. But apparently, I do! See, I, too, have no intention of going to jail. We're practically sisters! Then again, the reason that I have no intention of going to jail is because I don't get popped for consecutive DUIs and then not manage to attend only 13 alcohol classes in 3 years and miss court dates because I'm at Cannes snorting coke with my friends du jour. Other than that, we're practically the same.

Please, please, please, no one tell Lindsay that she did a little more wrong than hiring the wrong attorney. Please. I love me a clueless bitch. When she does end up going to jail (and she wil), it will only make the spectacle that much more enjoyable for the rest of us. It will be like the Paris Hilton debacle all over again...only better! And we remember how good THAT was! Oh, it was awesome. The tears! The getting released early only to be taken back with more tears! The cries of "It's not fair!" as if she's a tantrumming four year old! It's all going to happen again, only in a rare form not usually seen more than once or twice a millennium. Set your DVRs!

Rob writes that "... now that her new lawyer is in place (her new lawyer being a one Stuart V. Goldberg of the Chicago Stuart V. Goldbergs), sources tell me Lindsay is confident she won't have to spend a minute in jail." Oh, awesome. I love false confidence! It's the best kind of confidence to have when that bubble gets burst!

But, come on! Lindsay isn't stupid. There's a reason for her confidence. The FOLL (Friend Of Lindsay Lohan) tells Rob, "She is paying her new lawyer a fortune to fix this mess. She doesn't care what it takes. If Lindsay needs to start a Facebook campaign or set up protests or something like that she is totally into it. They are treating Lindsay differently because she is a star, so it's about time she used her star power to help her. She's seen the movie 'Chicago' several times, so it's not like she doesn't know how this sort of thing works!" Um, wait. What now?

I'm just going to sit here for a minute and let that last sentence soak in a little bit. I can wait. I can wait and bask in the anticipatory glory that I will be bathed in when she goes to jail. Good Lord...

Let's take that from the beginning, shall we? She makes it sound like starting a "Facebook campaign" is going to do something. OK, granted, it got Betty White to host Saturday Night Live, but that was because there were over half a million people who joined the dang thing. You're be hard pressed to find half of a person that thinks that she shouldn't go to jail. And as for the protests, dear God, PLEASE do them! Please! I would have blog fodder for a week if that happened. The interviews with protesters? My God, the interviews! I could probably die the next day and feel that my life was full and fulfilled.

And I don't know that her "star power" is shining quite as bright as she thinks it is. Does she not realize that the majority of the country was laughing their ass off as she was crying her tears of disbelief? Yeah, they were. And how ironic is it that she doesn't want to be treated differently because she is a celebrity, but only under these circumstances. Oh, sure, she wants that celebrity status in every other aspect of her life, but not when it comes to the legal system? See, it doesn't quite work that way, LiLo, you twit. All you had to do was attend THIRTEEN classes. In THREE years! Is it because you can't count all the way to thirteen? Was that the problem?

And thank God that she's seen Chicago "several times"! Whew! I was beginning to think that she hadn't seen it at all! Look, I don't even know what that is supposed to mean, really. I've seen lots of movies several times, but rarely has that ever played a part in my real life. Multiple movie screenings are certainly not the reason why I'm not faced with going to jail, that I'm fairly certain of. (OK, Ferris Bueller's Day Off did teach me the proper way to go about hijacking a parade float, but other than that, I don't know that I've gained useful knowledge from my cinematic indulgences.)

I enjoy delusions of grandeur. This is going to be awesome. I did notice that there was only the mention of her thinking that she won't have to go to jail . There didn't seem to be any mention of the other part of her sentence that included her having to spend 90 days in rehab. Are there any movies about that upon which she can rely to get her out of rebab? Leaving Las Vegas? Oooh, no. That was probably a bad example. Anything else? No? Nothing? Awesome.

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Surviving Walmart

I was at the mall today and found myself utterly amused with the folks that were out presumedly doing their Christmas shopping. The fact that it was unseasonably warm only added to my amusement. There was large, overweight girl wearing a much too small spaghetti strapped top and eating a Ding-Dong. There was the grizzled guy sitting in the food court, eating a hot dog with his pink striped Victoria's Secret bag on the table with him. There was the really tall, seemingly really old, white-haired gentleman wearing a braided baby-blue headband (like his alter ego was Jane Fonda and she had escaped from 1983 or something). I don't know what I did to deserve such jocularity, but it was awesome.

Now, I'll admit, I live in a decent area and it was a pretty decent mall that I was wandering about. So even without the people parade, I would have been just as fine as I can possibly be out in public. But there are times when I need to shop other places where it's not so fine. There are other places that one finds the need to shop at on occasion where you really find yourself really thinking twice about. You start wondering, "How important is it that I get that item for two bucks less?" Stuff like that. Naturally, this occurs when you have to make the trip to the evil Walmart.

Contrary to the previous statement, I'm really not anti Walmart. I'm moreso anti Walmart patrons. They're not patrons like me who just want to get a good deal. Oh, I'm sure the good deal is part of it, but I guess I just wish that they'd make better use of the funds that they have available. You know, to buy clothes that fit, to buy clothes that cover their ample bodies in an ample manner, to buy someone to watch their screaming children, to buy someone to speak English for them. It's stuff like that where they could really make great strides in the quality of their existence. So I've managed to utilize two methods to help me make it through any sort of Walmart shopping experience and still emerge relatively sane.

The first method I use is sort of akin to a scavenger hunt. I look for folks whose photos would be appropriate for the website People of Walmart. The website is exactly what it sounds like it is and what I just described. See, because there's a certain type of person that you're going to almost always find at a Walmart. The website aims to bring all of those folks together at last via photos taken by others and sent in for all of humanity to enjoy. Over at People of Walmart you'll find individuals such as this woman (I think it's woman. I'd appreciate a little bit of lee-way with this one):

And this chick (Are her breasts growing out of the sides of her torso? I think they might be!):

You'll find guys like this:

You could even find a chicken roaming about the aisles:

Or a goat in a cage in the back of an El Camino (of course):

I'm telling you! There's a certain "type". That theory is only backed up and evidenced by these two gentlemen, one in Texas and one in Missouri. What are the odds that they both shop at the same large chain store? The odds are good if you mention that the store is Walmart. Behold!

Yeah, that scares me a little bit. But you do see what I'm saying, don't you? There's a certain kind of person who shops at Walmart. NOT everyone who shops there is like that; I'm not saying that. I'm just saying that if you're looking for a bald headed man sporting a mullet, well, you know where to go.

Let's just say you're in the Walmart and you see the typical fare of patron that I have illustrated with the photos above, but you're just too darned scared to take a picture of them. What if they see you? They might attack you, beat you up and feed you to their many, many youngins. (That's never worth any sort of monetary savings, I don't care who you are.) It's in instances like those where you need to bring along and break out your Walmart Bingo Card. Behold!

The object is simple and fairly self explanatory. Simply mark off each box as you see the item in the store. And just like in regular Bingo, five in a row wins! What you win is entirely up to you, as you're in charge of this ordeal. You can even give yourself a little bit of lee-way with some of them, but please try to be rational about things. For instance, in the G column, second space down, the item is "kid riding a bike in the store". If you were in Pennsylvania at the time the photo below was taken, I would allow you to mark off that square. Behold!

A kid on a sled being pulled, not by reindeer, but by something much, much more clueless: the caretaker (I'm going with 'caretaker' just because it gives the slimmest of all slim hopes that the person is not the child's parent and will not be raising that child into young adulthood. Good Lord, we need all the hope we can get with a situation like that!)

I might consider letting you check off "someone giving away kittens" if you were the person who spotted this gem in Florida:

Yep, I'd like a bucket of chicken and a side of Kia Spectra. Um, to go, please.

Here's that rat tail hair cut that was referred to in the first square of the "B" column.

I would be OK with the "rebel flag T-shirt" square being filled in by these two folks, but ONLY because of the coonskin cap. Without that cap, it's a no-go.

Along these same lines, I would also let you mark off that square if you saw this guy with his rebel flag leather cap, but ONLY if he had that dangly, gold, feather earring. No earring? No X.

I'll give you the first square in the "I" column "child without shoes" if you saw this guy in Oklahoma, but ONLY because he doesn't have a shirt either!

I was a bit disappointed that there was a square on there for "person wearing an ankle monitor".

And I'll also allow you to replace "pregnant woman" with "fat enough to be pregnant three times over" if they're sporting the visible tramp stamp as required in the last box of the "G" column.

But if you're going to be substituting, you could really find yourself in quite a quandry. Take this chap for instance. The child isn't crying, as per the last square in the "N" column, but you can hardly call the little guy "attended" as opposed to the required "unattended". So what do you do? It's a head scratcher, all right. Hard to say. Use your best judgment (unlike the guy watching the baby). I'm going to go ahead and give myself the square. It's my blog. Try and stop me.

Here's that "obese person using a scooter" that we needed for the top square in the "O" column.
Those folks could also be used for the "entire family wearing NASCAR apparel", as I think that winter scenery outerwear is close enough in this case. Good Lord, it's entirely too close.

So while it's frighteningly easy to spot these folks at any given Walmart across this fine, fine nation of ours, it's not as easy as one might think to round up that all sought after BINGO! I mean, look at what we've accomplished here. We've found eight of our twenty four squares, but nary a BINGO! Oh, why, why could I not have found a photo of someone buying beer and diapers? Why??

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Winging It

Some things are just inexplicable. UFOs. Snuggies. Leg warmers. Geometry. All impossible to explain. We can now add to that list the on-air comments of a one Ernie Anastos, news anchor at Fox 5 News in New York. I don't know why he said it. I don't know what it means. I don't know why he said it. I don't know why he said it.

Here's the scoop: A couple of nights ago, the Fox5 people were doing their regular news broadcast. The weather guy, a one Nick Gregory, had just finished up with his weather forecast. Nothing spectacular, but then again, he's a weather guy. Who even listens to these guys? You could have NO experience in weather-guy-ing and go to work every day to do that job and get it right at least half of the time. You pay attention to what it's like outside on your way into work and you just sort of use what the weather is like at that moment as a starting point and you'll do just fine. But I digress.

Nick finishes with the weather and turns the newscast back over to Ernie Anastos and his co-anchor, a one very attractive Dari Alexander. It's at that point that an oddly giddy Anastos tells Nick, "It takes a tough man to make a tender forecast, Nick." Um, OK. I....guess. Wait. What the what now?

I wasn't the only one confused by that. It had Nick a bit befuddled as well, which is why he replied, "I guess that's me." What else would you say, really? You're doing a live newscast, so it's not like you can just ask him, "What the hell are you talking about, dude?" No, that won't work. He did the right thing by just agreeing with Ernie's comment. I think. After what came next, it's hard to say, really.

As Nick is just sort of chuckling after his answer and Ernie is in full giggle mode, Ernie says this (which is as inexplicable as the things I mentioned at the beginning and it is also so far out in left field, you can't even see left field any more. Left field is a dot to you!): "Keep f***ing that chicken." Wait. Wait. WAIT!! WHAT?!?!

Yep, that's what he said. "Keep f***ing that chicken." Why he said that is anyone's guess. There wasn't anything in the weather forecast about chickens as far as I could tell. But even if there was I'm not thinking that there would have been anything in there about doing that with the chickens! Don't get me wrong, that would absolutely be news! But I hardly think that the weather forecast would be an appropriate place to bring it up.

Did he mean to say "plucking"? "Keep plucking that chicken." I don't know what he meant. I still don't know why he was talking about chickens in the first place. Now granted, this is the same guy who attempted to give a website address on the air a little while ago and instead of saying "MyFoxNY-dot-com" he instead said, "MyFoxNY-dot-cock." Ah, the ol' dot-cock. Remember the dot-cock crash? That was something! All of those dot-cocks just crashing to earth. Terrible. Just terrible.

The best part of this whole thing is the reaction from Dari Alexander. The look on her face does not change after he says that. She just keep right on staring with her eyes opened as far as they will go. And who can blame her?

The only indication as to what he was talking about (but still no indication as to why he was talking about it) comes from the folks over there at the Sydney Morning Herald. They speculate that "... he was referencing the American "father" of chicken, Frank Perdue." (There is a chicken father? I did not know that.) Those down under go on to say "Perdue, who died in 2005, simultaneously revolutionised the poultry and advertising industries in the 1970s when he fronted his own commercials, ending each one with the phrase "it takes a tough man to make a tender chicken". OK, then. That would seem like that's what he was talking about. But WHY in the hell was he talking about it?! No one seems to know.

I'm just a little bit concerned, however, about Nick's reply to Ernie's direction or suggestion that he continue to have interspecial relations with a yet unnamed and unseen flightless fowl. For Nick to say, "OK, I'll do that." could really lead one to question how he leads his life, but only if we weren't too busy already questioning how Ernie leads his.

The bizarre video is below. Any knowledge as to why the chicken talk in the first place is greatly welcomed and much appreciated.

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