$#!' The PTC Says

There's a new TV series starring William Shatner and people are protesting. I would have thought that they were protesting William Shatner, but it turns out that was the least of their concerns. (Go figure.) No, they're protesting the name of the series. Because it's called "$#!' My Dad Says". They object to the $#!'. Really?

Before I get into what is being objected to by who and why, I'd like to say that using the apostrophe as the last symbol in that title looks ridiculous. I think that the percentage sign would have been better. Then it would have been $#!%. That looks more like a curse word than $#!'. Actually, almost any symbol of substance would have been better than the apostrophe. It could have been $#!* or $#!? or even $#!~, though I'm not thrilled with the last one. But I digress.

Here's the scoop: Something called the Parents Television Council has sent letters to 340 companies that that purchase a lot of TV ad time. In the letters, the PTC was asking those companies to not buy ad time on that show unless the name was changed. That's going to be a little hard to do at this point, especially considering that the whole show is based around the Twitter feed of a 27-year old guy who lives with his dad. Justin Halpern opened the Twitter account, shitmydadsays, and tweets about just that. S**t his dad says. And it's hilarious.

My favorite tweet that Justin has posted is this: "A parent's only as good as their dumbest kid. If one wins a Nobel Prize but the other gets robbed by a hooker, you failed." Not only are those words of wisdom, but they couldn't be more true.

But back to the protest. According to a one Tim Winter, who is the President of PTC, "Parents really do care about profanity when their kids are watching TV...All parents? No, but something like 80 or 90 percent of parents. Putting an expletive in the title of a show is crossing new territory, and we can't allow that to happen on our watch." Um, what?

First of all, there isn't an expletive in the title of the show. It's symbols. Granted, they symbolize something (it's right there in their name: symbols), but what else are they supposed to do? Call it "Stuff My Dad Says"? That just seems wrong. Well, maybe not wrong, but definitely not right.

Mr. Winter said in his letter to those companies,"When you advertise on television, do you want your customers to associate your product with (bleep)?" Clearly, Mr. Winter hasn't watched a lot of TV lately. If he had, he would know that 90% of what is on TV already is s**t and advertisers have no problem at all with their product being associated with it. None.

You know, you can SAY s**t on TV now. I'm not saying that I'm OK with it, but it kind of seems like the PTC is overlooking things that are a little more blatant than a bunch of symbols that stand in place of the word s**t. But here's an idea: What say that instead of policing everything to the point of censorship, what say that you let folks monitor what they and (more importantly) their children watch on TV, OK? I'm not saying that's going to go over very well, judging from all of the crap that's already on TV that people love to watch. Have you ever seen Family Guy? South Park? Two and a Half Men? All are certifiably filthy. All are also certifiably hilarious. And all have certifiably large audiences. But if you don't like it, don't watch it. And don't let your kids watch it. For God's sake, don't let your kids watch it. But first, you'd be best served to just get over yourself, Mr. Winter. After that, maybe we'll talk. Now if you'll excuse me, Jersey Shore is on.

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No @#$&!?* Cussing?!

There's a whole lot of problems going on in California right now. The unemployment rate for the state is hovering somewhere around 12.7. The budget is far from balanced. The state is going broke. The population of illegal immigrants in this state is sky high. And corruption abounds up there in the State Capitol. So with all of that going on, I'm having a really hard time grasping why it is that the California State Assembly passed a resolution making the first week of March "Cuss Free Week". Wait. What now?

Correct. Cuss Free Week. I swear. Now, if you're asking yourself what the #$*! Cuss Free Week is, well, are you in for a surprise. Granted, just because it was passed by the @#*&$! State Assembly doesn't guarantee that it's going to happen. It still have to be passed by the &*%#@ Senate for it to go into effect. But that's not really the crux of my anger over this stupid #*$&%* idea. My anger stems from BS like this getting passed at all.

Why is this $&*@#& necessary?! Don't get me wrong. I like the idea of everyone not cussing. I am not a fan of the swearing (even though I can do so like a sailor). It makes me insane when people are swearing and there are young children around. They don't need to hear that. No one does, really. But that doesn't mean that I want some sort of stupid ass legislation passed as what will amount to nothing more than a free good measure at best. Let's see how this line of BS got started, shall we?

It would seem that the whole idea was inspired by a one McKay Hatch who founded a No Cussing Club at his middle school two years ago. Apparently the feel good idea took off and now his website, Nocussing.com, boasts that there are over 35,000 members worldwide. That's great, I suppose. I will definitely give kudos to McKay for getting this movement started. I'm sure he's been beaten up more times than I can imagine over this (and numerous other things I'm guessing). But let's be realistic. 35,000 worldwide? Listen, there's a Facebook page called "Can this pickle get more fans than Nickleback?" Do you know how many people are a fan of that pickle? 1,529,277 right now as I'm writing this. Over one and a half million folks are a fan of that particular pickle. That is over 43.5 times the number of people worldwide in the No Cussing Club. I'm not trying to diss the No Cussing Club, I'm just trying to put it in effing perspective is all.

The California bill (which is ACR 112. Remember that because you won't find it in any other article you read about this crap, which is why I had to look it up. Can't the Legislature pass a "No Crappy Media Reporting Week"? My God, at least that might get something done.) was written up by Assembly Members Portantino and Smyth. If you are a California voter, please make note of those two names and vote against them when they are up for re-election. We cannot continue to have them in the Assembly wasting the taxpayers money and time on garbage like this. Portantino and Smyth. Don't forget. Out!

Wait. I just read the final version of the bill. There are other co-authors that have climbed aboard this s**t-train. The other coauthors of this piece of crap are: Assembly Members Jones, Solorio, Adams, Beall, Bradford, Caballero, Chesbro, Coto, Emmerson, Eng, Evans, Fong, Furutani, Galgiani, Gilmore, Hayashi, Huffman, Jeffries, Bonnie Lowenthal, Ma, Mendoza, Niello, Nielsen, V. Manuel Perez, Salas, Skinner, Audra Strickland, Swanson, Torlakson, Torres, Torrico, Tran, Villines, and Yamada. Make a note. Print this out. Vote these folks out of office when that time comes! What a bunch of softheads.

Basically, all the bill does is give you a bunch of flowerly prose on why cussing is bad and how a bunch of people have decided to follow McKay's suggestion and not cuss. It also goes on to say that for the No Cussing Week, that businesses or whatever else you are should have a jar with a label on it available in a public place. That way, if you are guilty of screaming "You stupid M-F-er!!" when the mail clerk mixes up your mail again, you put some monetary amount in the jar. The bill then suggests that at the end of the week, the amount in the jar be donated to a charity. A charity!?

The M-F-ing state is going M-F-ing broke!! And you *!#&^?$#s want to go the money to a bleeping charity?! Why in the world isn't it going back to the M-F-ing bankrupt state?! For cryin' out loud, what is wrong with you a-holes?!

But then I started thinking about it. What if I did want to stop cussing? My BFF has given up cussing for Lent. (It's not going all that great, by the way. Sorry, friend! Heart you!) And she has some spectacular cuss hybrids that she tends spout out when needed. And they are spec-tacular. What is she supposed to use instead? I figured that McKay's website, being as he's so into this being so important and all, would have some suggestions. And I was right. It did have some suggestions. For a price. What the $*?#!@?

That's right. He wants to charge you two bucks to download his e-book which seems to be titled "Oh, Pickles! Sassafras! Barnacles! & other G-rated substitutes for cuss words". I guess you get the three on the cover for free. It claims to have over 100 others inside, but you're going to need to pony up two effing dollars if you want to know those. What a scam.

If you'd like to read this stupid-#$@&^! bill you can find it here. I could go off on a tangent about how something like this could be interpreted as the government trying to censor the people in a land which is ruled by it's First Amendment, that of the right to free speech. I could go off on that tangent. But I'm not going to. That's because I'm way too irate about the Assembly wasting time and money (Good God, how much money is this thing going to cost?!) with something that is feel-good at best. There are REAL PROBLEMS out there to be solved!! Do they need a list?! I'll give them a list and I won't even charge them two bucks for it!!

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Winging It

Some things are just inexplicable. UFOs. Snuggies. Leg warmers. Geometry. All impossible to explain. We can now add to that list the on-air comments of a one Ernie Anastos, news anchor at Fox 5 News in New York. I don't know why he said it. I don't know what it means. I don't know why he said it. I don't know why he said it.

Here's the scoop: A couple of nights ago, the Fox5 people were doing their regular news broadcast. The weather guy, a one Nick Gregory, had just finished up with his weather forecast. Nothing spectacular, but then again, he's a weather guy. Who even listens to these guys? You could have NO experience in weather-guy-ing and go to work every day to do that job and get it right at least half of the time. You pay attention to what it's like outside on your way into work and you just sort of use what the weather is like at that moment as a starting point and you'll do just fine. But I digress.

Nick finishes with the weather and turns the newscast back over to Ernie Anastos and his co-anchor, a one very attractive Dari Alexander. It's at that point that an oddly giddy Anastos tells Nick, "It takes a tough man to make a tender forecast, Nick." Um, OK. I....guess. Wait. What the what now?

I wasn't the only one confused by that. It had Nick a bit befuddled as well, which is why he replied, "I guess that's me." What else would you say, really? You're doing a live newscast, so it's not like you can just ask him, "What the hell are you talking about, dude?" No, that won't work. He did the right thing by just agreeing with Ernie's comment. I think. After what came next, it's hard to say, really.

As Nick is just sort of chuckling after his answer and Ernie is in full giggle mode, Ernie says this (which is as inexplicable as the things I mentioned at the beginning and it is also so far out in left field, you can't even see left field any more. Left field is a dot to you!): "Keep f***ing that chicken." Wait. Wait. WAIT!! WHAT?!?!

Yep, that's what he said. "Keep f***ing that chicken." Why he said that is anyone's guess. There wasn't anything in the weather forecast about chickens as far as I could tell. But even if there was I'm not thinking that there would have been anything in there about doing that with the chickens! Don't get me wrong, that would absolutely be news! But I hardly think that the weather forecast would be an appropriate place to bring it up.

Did he mean to say "plucking"? "Keep plucking that chicken." I don't know what he meant. I still don't know why he was talking about chickens in the first place. Now granted, this is the same guy who attempted to give a website address on the air a little while ago and instead of saying "MyFoxNY-dot-com" he instead said, "MyFoxNY-dot-cock." Ah, the ol' dot-cock. Remember the dot-cock crash? That was something! All of those dot-cocks just crashing to earth. Terrible. Just terrible.

The best part of this whole thing is the reaction from Dari Alexander. The look on her face does not change after he says that. She just keep right on staring with her eyes opened as far as they will go. And who can blame her?

The only indication as to what he was talking about (but still no indication as to why he was talking about it) comes from the folks over there at the Sydney Morning Herald. They speculate that "... he was referencing the American "father" of chicken, Frank Perdue." (There is a chicken father? I did not know that.) Those down under go on to say "Perdue, who died in 2005, simultaneously revolutionised the poultry and advertising industries in the 1970s when he fronted his own commercials, ending each one with the phrase "it takes a tough man to make a tender chicken". OK, then. That would seem like that's what he was talking about. But WHY in the hell was he talking about it?! No one seems to know.

I'm just a little bit concerned, however, about Nick's reply to Ernie's direction or suggestion that he continue to have interspecial relations with a yet unnamed and unseen flightless fowl. For Nick to say, "OK, I'll do that." could really lead one to question how he leads his life, but only if we weren't too busy already questioning how Ernie leads his.

The bizarre video is below. Any knowledge as to why the chicken talk in the first place is greatly welcomed and much appreciated.

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An Obscenity-Laden Welcome to 2009

You've gotta love Kathy Griffin, don't you? You do. Trust me, you do. Even if you don't , you know you do. She's awesome. What's not to love? She tells it like it is with language saltier than that of the saltiest sailor, she's pretty damn funny, she titles her albums things like 'Strong Black Woman' (and if you have seen Kathy Griffin ever you know that about the one thing that she is not is a strong, black woman), and she has built her career around her own shortcomings. Oh, if we could all only be so fortunate as to figure out how to do such a thing and be successful at it. (Sure, I've tried, but one of my shortcomings is shortcoming. It's sort of a conundrum wrapped in an enigma or a blanket or something. Either way, it ain't happenin' any time soon for me like that!) Oh, and Kathy Griffin is also the heir apparent to the Fag Hag Throne whenever it's vacated by Cher. She'll do just fine (only without the singing, the long black hair and that short little guy. Oh, wait. Cher doesn't have him either. Never mind.) She's great. Please, give her more events to host. Or to win. Soon!

You may or may not be aware of Kathy's mark that she has made at the Emmy awards in the past couple of years. Aside from asking stars on the red carpet for their opinions about 12-year old Dakota Fanning being in rehab (she wasn't, but how funny is that?!), or causing a "scene" (which she had planned out ahead of time if she lost) when her Emmy nominated show (My Life on the D-List) lost to Extreme Home Makeover or some tear-jerking/feel good reality show like that, it's even better when she wins! When her show did win for Best Reality Series and she accepted the award, her speech went something like this: "A lot of people come up here and they thank Jesus for this award. I want you to know that no one had less to do with this award than Jesus. He didn't help me a bit. If it were up to him, Cesar Milan would be up here with that damn dog. So all I can say is "Suck it, Jesus! This award is my God now!" If you're interested in the real thing, the video clip is below. I highly recommend it, as it's quite funny. Of course, I was one of the ten or so people that actually thought so, apparently.

I mean, can you imagine? People being offended? Go figure. Naturally, those words were cut from the telecast (but, mind you, a video called "Dick in a Box" can WIN an Emmy and that seems to be just fine because apparently things are rather bass-ackwards in the censorship department at the Emmys) because they might "offend" people. When asked about that possibility Kathy Griffin replied, "I hope I offended some people. I didn't want to win the Emmy for nothing." You're starting to like her more, aren't you? I told you so! Oh, and according to Reuters, naturally a "...Roman Catholic group, the Catholic League for Religious and Civil Rights, which condemned Griffin's remarks as "obscene and blasphemous." Of course they did. It wouldn't be a controversy if some group didn't have to pipe up and be offended all over the place. Spare me. "Griffin's reaction to the imbroglio, according to a statement issued by her publicist: "Am I the only Catholic left with a sense of humor?" " Most excellent. Rock on, funny woman. Rock on! So she did.

Somehow she ended up hosting the New Year's Eve Ball Drop in New York City with a one Anderson Cooper (whose mother is....? Gloria Vanderbilt, that is correct. Who knew? Just a little bit of trivia that you won't find in other blog posts about Kathy Griffin. Keep it in mind. You might need it someday.). Now, her show might be called "My Life on the D-List" but the "D" is just a "D". It's not supposed to stand for anything! It's not supposed to be her signature letter or anything! She might have forgotten that part. Or, at the very least, she might have forgotten that she had TV cameras pointed at her in the middle of the night, outside, in a very, very cold New York as she hosted this Ball Drop thing.

OK, so there she is with Anderson Cooper and they're just chatting it up right before they go to a commercial and some observer who had been...well, observing was giving her a hard time. So as the picture fades to the live aerial shot as they go to commercial, Kathy must have thought her mike was off. That could explain why she chose then to go off on the guy. Then again, just being Kathy Griffin could explain why she chose then to go off on the guy. Regardless as to the reason, the retort was priceless. It was also the first live, on-air, "swearing" of 2009. Ring it in, Griffin!

She said, "Shut up!! Do you know what? Screw you! I'm working! Why don't you get a job, buddy!? I don't go to your job and knock the d**ks out of your mouth." Welcome, 2009!! Quick! Check out the video clip of it below before the FCC has their obligatory heart attack over something like this and pulls it!

I will say that I would have been a little disappointed if that was all that she said that was controversial during the entire time she was on Anderson Cooper's show. But I'm not disappointed because that wasn't all she said! Oh, no! That's right! There's more! She apparently said that she wanted to "get a pap smear from Dr. Sanjay Gupta (the CNN medical reporter)." And she also referred to Glenn Beck (who used to host a show on CNN) as a "heroin addict Mormon." Excellent.

On her website, Kathygriffin.net, there's really not much of a mention that she said "d*ck", "pap smear" and "heroin addict Mormon". Probably because it's just another day in the life of Kathy Griffin, not "controversial news" like some media outlets would like everyone to believe (because they believe it). And news or not, just keep putting her in front of the cameras. She has bills to pay just like everyone else, you know. And who doesn't need entertainment? Crass, foul-mouthed entertainment. We all do! Just go easy on her, FCC guys. Just because she said "d*ck" and it wasn't followed by "in a box" doesn't mean that you need to make a big deal about it. Should she put it to music next time? Would that help? I thought so. Excellent.

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