Pawned Spawn

Hmm. It's been a while since I've done a Walmart post. It's also been a while since I've done a post about people trying to sell their baby. Oh, if there was only some way that I could catch up on both of those topics at the same time. Oh, wait! There is (unfortunately).

Meet a one 20-year old (and old enough to know better) Samantha Tomasini and her obvious soul mate a one 28-year old (and definitely old enough to know better) Patrick Fousek. They look just like you'd expect a couple of people to look if you were told that they were trying to sell their 6-month old baby outside of a Walmart. Behold!

Told you. Here's the story: In the hole of the central part of California, otherwise known as Salinas, the male asshat in this story approached two women and asked them if they would be interested in taking his baby daughter for a small fee. And by "taking" I mean "purchasing". Now, that's pretty gutsy. Not half as gutsy as it is stupid, but still pretty gutsy.

The women, obviously being smarter than the doorknob who was soliciting his offspring, "...said they didn't know if Fousek was joking or not". And while I understand that line of thinking, that's a heck of a thing to be joking about, not to mention extremely odd. But "...he was insistent and kept telling them 'No, I want to sell you the baby.' " It was likely that very persistence which is why "...they reported the incident to police with a description of Fousek's (the male asshat's) car." To my complete amazement, the police were able to trace the car to his apartment. I don't know why I find that so fascinating, but I do.

Now, I know this next part will come as quite a shock to you, but when the police went to his house, they found the aforementioned parents to be (I hope you're sitting down) high on meth. I know! Shocking! Who would have thought that two people who tried to sell their kid for $25 would be high on meth?! I did not see that coming. And I...wait. $25? What the what?

Correct. According to KSBW, the asking price for a 6-month old baby outside of the Westridge Walmart in Salinas is twenty five dollars. Cash money. American. Twenty five bucks seems awfully low. Was that the rollback price? Seriously, what can you buy for twenty five bucks? Not much, can you? I mean, I don't know what the going price for meth is these days, but I'm guessing that it's more than $25, isn't it?

Naturally, these two Einsteins were arrested and charged with a variety of things, all of which were probably a) appropriate and b) not enough. But here's a weird little tidbit that I did not expect. The guy's brother talked to the news people at KSBW. He didn't give them his name, but he said "...that he was he, not Fousek, who tried to sell the child to the two women outside Walmart for the price of $50, and that it was all a joke."The girls knew I was kidding. Who's going to say you want to buy a baby for $50 to strangers at a Walmart? That's preposterous." And while I commend him on his use of the word 'preposterous' and for charging $50 instead of $25, that's the most ridiculous thing that I've ever heard.

And he sort of trips up himself in his own explanation. First he says that it's him who is trying to sell the child. He's the one who says that the girls knew he was kidding. But then he turns around and asks who would say such a thing! Well, you would, sir! You just said that you did! And on top of that, what in the world kind of a joke is that? Offering to sell a baby? It doesn't sound very joke-y to me. Asinine, yes? Joke-y, not so much. Try a knock-knock next time. I can almost guarantee no one will go to jail over a knock-knock joke.

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Attention, Some Of You Walmart Shoppers

Unclench your underwear, America. The case of the weird, racial, overhead announcement at the Walmart in New Jersey has been solved. Now, in case you didn't follow the story last week, here's the scoop:

A bunch of people were shopping at a Walmart in New Jersey. (Yes, pretty much a dream come true, hanging out at the New Jersey Walmart. May I continue?) At some point, someone gets on the intercom and says, "Attention, Walmart customers. All black people, leave the store now." Ooh. Awkward.

As you can imagine, the silence in the store likely made it the most quiet that the store had ever been. As you can also imagine, black patrons shopping at the store were far from amused. Don't get me wrong. I'm pretty sure that the white folks weren't all that amused either. But the black folks were justifiably a little irritated by the whole thing. Really? Irritated. In what way?

According to an article over at Yahoo! Finance (why it's in the Finance section is a little unclear to me, but the article seems accurate, so I'm going with it), immediately after this odd announcement was made "...a manager quickly got on the public-address system and apologized for the remark." None the less, a rather angry mob (sans pitchforks and torches, as they were all being used for health care protests) gathered and was essentially saying things to the effect of "We need to know if this is the sort of thing that Walmart tolerates." Now, even though I know how this story ends, even if I didn't know, I'd go on ahead and guess that it is not the sort of thing that's tolerated. Call it a hunch. Call it my ability to put my finger right on the pulse of corporate America. Call it what you will. But I'd go ahead and guess that it's not OK with them.

And it wasn't. See, at this particular Walmart, all of the intercom commands were on a list right there next to the intercom. And apparently, the intercom was in an area where it is able to be accessed by not only employees, but rogue patrons with odd senses of humor as well. All someone would have to do would be to walk up to it, punch in the appropriate keys (say star-one-star) and then announce to the entire store "Attention, Walmart shoppers. Human kidneys are now on sale for half off in Sporting Goods." Never mind why a kidney is considered a sporting good in this scenario. The point is that it could happen just like that. And that is pretty much where my sympathy or whatever it is for this story ends because after this point, things just get a little too histrionic for me.

See, a 16-year old (who is pretty clearly an a-hole) was later arrested for doing this. He was charged with was charged with harassment and bias intimidation. The New York Daily News reported that "Authorities said it was unclear if the announcement was ad-libbed or premeditated and said they were investigating a second youth who accompanied the arrested teen to the store." Wait. What now?

They're unclear as to whether he thought of it right then or if he had planned this out? Is this a death penalty case? Why in the world would that make a difference? ("So...did you plan ahead of time to be this much of a jackass, or did it just hid you all of a sudden as you were looking at that Ninetendo Wii?") And what are they going to investigate the second youth for? He didn't do anything (from what I can tell). Can they charge him with "Being in the company of an a-hole"? "Accompanying an a-hole to a retail establishment?" I don't think that they can. In fact, I'm pretty sure they can't. Investigate away. Let me know how that turns out. Or don't.

Then I read that Yahoo! News reported that "Officials say several people have come forward and expressed interest in getting counseling." Translation: Several people are thinking about suing because they want the money, not because they needed counseling over a rogue statement made over a Walmart PA system by an errant 16-year old. Who are you people that you would need counseling after hearing that? If you need actual counseling by an actual counselor, I'm going to suggest that the next time you're in Walmart (if you can get over your obvious PTSD) that you buy yourself some sort of a helmet or headgear to protect that soft, soft dome of yours. Good Lord....

Seriously, some of you folks need to get over yourselves. Folks, for example, like a one Sheila Ellington, a storegoer at the time of the incident. She said, "I want to know why such statements are being made, because it flies in the face of what we teach our children about tolerance for all...If this was meant to be a prank, there's only one person laughing, and it's not either one of us." I don't know what she means by she wants to know why those statements are being made. It's as if she thinks that they were sanctioned by Walmart. And again, I'm going to have to say that I'm pretty sure that they weren't. Pretty sure. (What size is her head?)

Really, I understand why this sort of a thing would be upsetting to black folks who were shopping at the time. It's upsetting to white folks who were shopping at the time. It's upsetting to black and white folks who were not shopping at the time. But to be saying that you need counseling is ridiculous and to be asking questions like, "We need to know if this is the sort of thing that Walmart tolerates" is about one of the most ridiculous questions that you could possibly ask in this sort of situation. First of all, what do you think they're going to say? "Oh, sure. We tolerate this. No problem. Stop by next week on Nazi Tuesday for the full extent of what we'll tolerate." I don't think that's going to happen.

Seriously. According to the article, "Officials for Wal-Mart Stores Inc said the announcement was 'unacceptable'." Really? Oh! So, it's NOT acceptable to get on a PA system and tell all black people to leave the store? Look, if you're the sort of person who needs Walmart to SAY that it's unacceptable, now you know! They've said it's unacceptable. Are you happy now? Again, what else would they say?

My point here is that some things that happen are just that. They're things that happen. They don't have to have a deeper meaning other than someone is an a-hole. Actually, a lot of the time, that's the most obvious meaning of a lot of things. But you know what it was about this whole incident that I think surprised me the most? Have you ever been in a Walmart or any large store when there's an announcement made over the PA system? You can't understand a word that they're saying most of the time! It sounds like someone with marbles in their mouth is gasping for air. That anyone could understand the little jerk at all might really be the story here.

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Worst. Getaway. Ever.

Got time for another Walmart story? This one's in Pennsylvania! That's not really that far from where the last one of these stories took place. Maybe just look at it as our sort of working our way across the Walmart denizens of the eastern states?

CBS3 gives us our report on this story. It would seem that a one 32-year old and old enough to know better Craig David Jr., of Smithfield, PA needed to have a prescription filled. Naturally, the place you'd go to have that done is your local Walmart pharmacy. The report isn't clear as to what Mr. David's prescription was, but it did say that he had "...just been released from a hospital." It would seem that he had some injuries stemming from a domestic incident (Translation: A wife and/or girlfriend beat the holy living S out of him). These injuries occurred when Mr. Davis was "...hit with a frying pan and a table leg." Judging from this incident, I'd have to say that Mr. David is apparently some sort of cartoon character. Who else gets hit with frying pans?

Anyway, he had contacted an ex-girlfriend of sorts who had agreed to pay for his medication. When she met him at the Walmart, he was still wearing his hospital gown. Judging from this behavior, I'd have to say that Mr. David is apparently some sort of cartoon character. Who else shows up at the Walmart wearing their hospital gown? Aren't you supposed to be in the hospital if you're wearing one of those?

Now, I'd think that the medication would be pretty important. I'm guessing it's some sort of pain reduction medication to help relieve any aches and pains sustained during the cast iron attack which occurred on January 1 (Happy New Year, you idiot!). But it didn't seem to be as important to Mr. David as that fifty bucks that his ex-girlfriend was going to give him to cover the cost. No, that's why he took the fifty dollars and fled. On a motorized shopping scooter. Wait. What now?

That's correct. He took the fifty bucks from her, hopped on one of those in-store Rascal-like contraptions and attempted to make his getaway. Judging from that sort of behavior, I'd have to say that Mr. David is apparently some sort of cartoon character.

How fast do those things go? ONE mile an hour? TWO? They're for hauling your ass around the store while you shop, it's not like they need to meet NASCAR qualification standards or anything. Was this Walmart at the top of some sort of hill? Some sort of very tall hill with very flat paved roads leading away from it? How could he not think that he'd get caught when he was making a getaway on an object that most people can walk faster than?

Here's the part that I really don't get: He seemed to see fit to walk into the place! He didn't need any sort of assistance doing that! Perhaps that long jaunt from the parking lot or wherever just plain ol' tuckered him out and he had planned on taking a little rest, but then realized that he had all of that fleeing to do and hopped on the scooter. I really don't know. But I can't imagine that he thought he was going to get anywhere anytime soon on one of those things! Have you ever been behind one of those in the stores? It's a nightmare. You're better off just turning around and walking clear around the entire store to get in front of them than you are waiting for them to get out of your way!

It will come as no surprise to you (I hope) that Mr. David was apprehended and charged with robbery and disorderly conduct. I don't understand why they didn't slap him with joyriding or grand theft scooter cart or something as well. I'd really like to know how far he got on that thing and how, exactly, he was "apprehended". Did the officer just jog along side of him and read him his rights? Seriously, what is wrong with people?

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Surviving Walmart

I was at the mall today and found myself utterly amused with the folks that were out presumedly doing their Christmas shopping. The fact that it was unseasonably warm only added to my amusement. There was large, overweight girl wearing a much too small spaghetti strapped top and eating a Ding-Dong. There was the grizzled guy sitting in the food court, eating a hot dog with his pink striped Victoria's Secret bag on the table with him. There was the really tall, seemingly really old, white-haired gentleman wearing a braided baby-blue headband (like his alter ego was Jane Fonda and she had escaped from 1983 or something). I don't know what I did to deserve such jocularity, but it was awesome.

Now, I'll admit, I live in a decent area and it was a pretty decent mall that I was wandering about. So even without the people parade, I would have been just as fine as I can possibly be out in public. But there are times when I need to shop other places where it's not so fine. There are other places that one finds the need to shop at on occasion where you really find yourself really thinking twice about. You start wondering, "How important is it that I get that item for two bucks less?" Stuff like that. Naturally, this occurs when you have to make the trip to the evil Walmart.

Contrary to the previous statement, I'm really not anti Walmart. I'm moreso anti Walmart patrons. They're not patrons like me who just want to get a good deal. Oh, I'm sure the good deal is part of it, but I guess I just wish that they'd make better use of the funds that they have available. You know, to buy clothes that fit, to buy clothes that cover their ample bodies in an ample manner, to buy someone to watch their screaming children, to buy someone to speak English for them. It's stuff like that where they could really make great strides in the quality of their existence. So I've managed to utilize two methods to help me make it through any sort of Walmart shopping experience and still emerge relatively sane.

The first method I use is sort of akin to a scavenger hunt. I look for folks whose photos would be appropriate for the website People of Walmart. The website is exactly what it sounds like it is and what I just described. See, because there's a certain type of person that you're going to almost always find at a Walmart. The website aims to bring all of those folks together at last via photos taken by others and sent in for all of humanity to enjoy. Over at People of Walmart you'll find individuals such as this woman (I think it's woman. I'd appreciate a little bit of lee-way with this one):

And this chick (Are her breasts growing out of the sides of her torso? I think they might be!):

You'll find guys like this:

You could even find a chicken roaming about the aisles:

Or a goat in a cage in the back of an El Camino (of course):

I'm telling you! There's a certain "type". That theory is only backed up and evidenced by these two gentlemen, one in Texas and one in Missouri. What are the odds that they both shop at the same large chain store? The odds are good if you mention that the store is Walmart. Behold!

Yeah, that scares me a little bit. But you do see what I'm saying, don't you? There's a certain kind of person who shops at Walmart. NOT everyone who shops there is like that; I'm not saying that. I'm just saying that if you're looking for a bald headed man sporting a mullet, well, you know where to go.

Let's just say you're in the Walmart and you see the typical fare of patron that I have illustrated with the photos above, but you're just too darned scared to take a picture of them. What if they see you? They might attack you, beat you up and feed you to their many, many youngins. (That's never worth any sort of monetary savings, I don't care who you are.) It's in instances like those where you need to bring along and break out your Walmart Bingo Card. Behold!

The object is simple and fairly self explanatory. Simply mark off each box as you see the item in the store. And just like in regular Bingo, five in a row wins! What you win is entirely up to you, as you're in charge of this ordeal. You can even give yourself a little bit of lee-way with some of them, but please try to be rational about things. For instance, in the G column, second space down, the item is "kid riding a bike in the store". If you were in Pennsylvania at the time the photo below was taken, I would allow you to mark off that square. Behold!

A kid on a sled being pulled, not by reindeer, but by something much, much more clueless: the caretaker (I'm going with 'caretaker' just because it gives the slimmest of all slim hopes that the person is not the child's parent and will not be raising that child into young adulthood. Good Lord, we need all the hope we can get with a situation like that!)

I might consider letting you check off "someone giving away kittens" if you were the person who spotted this gem in Florida:

Yep, I'd like a bucket of chicken and a side of Kia Spectra. Um, to go, please.

Here's that rat tail hair cut that was referred to in the first square of the "B" column.

I would be OK with the "rebel flag T-shirt" square being filled in by these two folks, but ONLY because of the coonskin cap. Without that cap, it's a no-go.

Along these same lines, I would also let you mark off that square if you saw this guy with his rebel flag leather cap, but ONLY if he had that dangly, gold, feather earring. No earring? No X.

I'll give you the first square in the "I" column "child without shoes" if you saw this guy in Oklahoma, but ONLY because he doesn't have a shirt either!

I was a bit disappointed that there was a square on there for "person wearing an ankle monitor".

And I'll also allow you to replace "pregnant woman" with "fat enough to be pregnant three times over" if they're sporting the visible tramp stamp as required in the last box of the "G" column.

But if you're going to be substituting, you could really find yourself in quite a quandry. Take this chap for instance. The child isn't crying, as per the last square in the "N" column, but you can hardly call the little guy "attended" as opposed to the required "unattended". So what do you do? It's a head scratcher, all right. Hard to say. Use your best judgment (unlike the guy watching the baby). I'm going to go ahead and give myself the square. It's my blog. Try and stop me.

Here's that "obese person using a scooter" that we needed for the top square in the "O" column.
Those folks could also be used for the "entire family wearing NASCAR apparel", as I think that winter scenery outerwear is close enough in this case. Good Lord, it's entirely too close.

So while it's frighteningly easy to spot these folks at any given Walmart across this fine, fine nation of ours, it's not as easy as one might think to round up that all sought after BINGO! I mean, look at what we've accomplished here. We've found eight of our twenty four squares, but nary a BINGO! Oh, why, why could I not have found a photo of someone buying beer and diapers? Why??

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