Don't Text In The Magnited States Of America

First things first. No, I do not know why these posts are being formatted the way that they are. It sucks. I realize that. I think it has something to do with Windows Vista that I am being forced to use until my new power supply on my regular computer is installed. Whatever it is, it should only last a couple more days at the most. I hate it too. Now that I've cleared that up, onward!

You know where I want to go to see a movie? The Alamo Drafthouse Theater in Austin. You know why? Because they're awesome. Any movie theater that will kick someone out for using their phone during a movie will definitely get repeat business from me. All I have to do now is figure out how to get to Austin.

Here's the story: According to a site with the super awesome name of Film Drunk, "...a girl was recently kicked out of the Alamo without refund for

texting after she’d already been warned twice". Wow. They warn people AND they follow through and kick them out when the people don't give a crap. Awesome. Can you see why I would want to watch movies at this fine establishment? I cannot stand when I have already shelled out way too much money to watch something that will hopefully not be mediocre and then there is some a-hole sitting next to me or in front of me with their phone out and glowing the entire time. And apparently, the Alamo Drafthouse Theater knows exactly that, which is why they actually do something about the aforementioned a-holes. Now, this chick that was booted out, let's just say that she was a little inebriated. I don't know how much she had actually imbibed in, but it was enough for her to call the theater and complain about her ejection. Let's go through the content of her message, shall we?

"Yeah, I was wondering if you guys actually enjoy treating your customers like pieces of s***? Because that's how I felt when I went to the Alamo Drafthouse! (I like how she names the place when she's already calling that place. It's like she's writing a review on Yelp! or something.) Okay? You know what? I didn't know that I wasn't supposed to text in your little crappy ass theater. (You're not supposed to text in any theater, cupcake. Crappy ass or not. Though I'm relatively sure that the Alamo Drafthouse is not a crappy ass theater. It might have had a crappy ass customer, but that doesn't reflect upon the establishment at all.) It was too f***ing dark in that place for me to find my seat. All right? I was using my PHOOONNNE as a FLASHLIGHT to get to my f***in' seat. (I thought you just said that you didn't know you weren't supposed to text? But now you're using it as a flashlight? OK, then.) So EXCUSE ME for using MY phone. In USA MAGNITED STATES OF AMERICA! (The Magnited States of America. Maybe she meant 'magneted'. You know. Because all of the states are all held together.) Where yer..you are FREE to TEXT in a THE-A-TER! (You're still unclear on the concept, buttercup. You're NOT free to annoy everyone around you and text, er, use your phone as a flashlight in a theater.) I was not AWARE that I couldn't text in your theater. All right? I've texted in all the other theaters in Austin and no one ever gave a f*** about what me...I was doin' on my f***in' phone. (Oh, I'm going to go ahead and disagree with that. I'm pretty sure that MOST people gave a f*** that you were texting during their movie. You sound like a peach. I can't believe this is the first time that you've been kicked out of someplace with that attitude.) All right? And it was on SILENT. It watn't on LOUD. It wasn't BOTHERING anybody. (It isn't supposed to be on AT ALL! You're at the movies! Turn your G-D phone OFF!) You guys, obviously, were being a-holes to me. (I'll go to those a-holes theater any time if they kick out people like you.) AND I'm SURE that's what you do...you know...to rip people off. You take my money and then you throw me out. You know? I will never be comin' back to your Alamo Drafthouse or whatever. (Victory! Now I will DEFINITELY go to the Alamo Drafthouse because I know for a fact SHE won't be there.) I'd rather go to a reglear theater where people are actually polite. Annit...you know? I'm gonna tell EVERYONE about how s****y you are. And I'm pretty sure you guys are being a-holes on purpose. (If kicking you out because people like you annoy the crap out of everyone around them means that they were being a-holes on purpose, then yes. They were.) So thanks for making me fill like a customer. Thanks for takin' my money,a-hole! (Thanks for never going back, sweetheart.)

And right when you think that this couldn't get any better, it does! See, those a-holes over there at the Alamo Drafthouse are so proud of what they did (and they absolutely should be) that they took this little angel's voicemail message and made it their "Don't Text or Talk" PSA which they will be playing before all of their R-rated movies! You can check out their explanation of the events that transposed and their PSA on their website. I love this place. I've never been, but one day, I will go. If you're in the Austin area, please go see a movie at this place. It seems like a given that you won't be interrupted during your film. Awesome. Simply awesome.

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How To Get Fired

I caught a little media blurb over at Media Bistro yesterday about ESPN firing one of their announcers, a one Ron Franklin. It didn't get into a lot of detail, briefly stating that "Franklin was pulled from last Friday’s Chick-fil-A Bowl broadcast after making derogatory comments towards colleague Jeannine Edwards." Now, I've never heard of Mr. Franklin, so I wasn't so much concerned about him as much as I really wanted to know what he said. So I looked into it. I wasn't sorry.

Before I continue, can I just point out an absolutely ridiculous side note? The Chick-fil-A Bowl? Really? Am I the only one who thinks that sounds totally asinine? Is this what we're looking at from now on? Corporate sponsorship that totally takes over the name of the game? There are some pretty silly sounding names out there. It's going to get interesting if we just let them start having their own bowl games (because they can) and naming them after themselves (because they own them and why wouldn't they?). Oh, wait. I just looked up all of the different names of bowl games and this is going to require its own post. I came to that conclusion after learning that there are over thirty different bowl games and one of them is the GoDaddy.com Bowl. And that's not even the silliest. So tune in tomorrow for Bowl Game Insanity, Part Deux!

Back to Mr. Franklin. I went over to USA Today for a little bit more of the story as to what he had said that was enough to get him fired. It seems that this Jeannine Edwards was talking with ESPN announcer Rod Gilmore. Apparently, Mr. Gilmore's wife had just been elected mayor of Alameda, California. (Good luck with that.) At some point, Mr. Franklin joined the conversation and for some unknown reason said to Ms. Edwards, "Listen to me sweet baby, let me tell you something . . . " She claims that he said that "...with a condescending tone." Yes, I think that if we can assume anything from a sentence that starts off with "Listen to me sweet baby" its' going to be that it's in a condescending tone. I got that without any initial clarification, though it was nice to have my initial assumption confirmed.

Oh, but if you're thinking it stopped there, it did not. "Edwards says she told Franklin not to address her like that." That seems like a fairly reasonable next step, considering that they were in the work place. But then, in a move that doesn't seem like a fairly reasonable next step, considering that they were in the work place, Franklin replied, To which Franklin said, "OK, then listen to me a-hole."

I'm sure it's wrong of me, but I laughed when I read that. Who the heck says stuff like that? To your co-worker no less! Don't get me wrong. There were plenty of co-workers that I would have loved to have said that to. (And I wouldn't have started out with "sweet baby" either. Nope, I would have gone straight to a-hole!) But that's the first rule of having co-workers. You don't call them a-hole to their face. While you're working. With them.

And even though he was fired, I'm under the impression that he was fired because he wasn't apologetic enough. Actually, he wasn't apologetic at all, as Ms. Edwards says that he did not apologize to her. The guy is 68 years old. There's a point in people's lives where they stop feeling like they either a) need to apologize, or b) care to apologize. Mr. Franklin is clearly past both of those points. And it won't matter because I'm sure that someone out there will hire him to do whatever it is that he does sometime in the near future. Hopefully they won't mind being called an a-hole once in a while.

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Now THAT'S A Response

What you are about to read is one of the most awesome letters I have ever come across. And really, I wouldn't have come across this at all if it hadn't been for something called The Last Angry Fan. It appears to be sports related and, if I'm judging on this item alone, completely awesome. It seems that back in 1974 (why it took this long for something this great to be known to the public is beyond me) there was a disgruntled Cleveland Browns fan who was also a uptight asswad. He seems very concerned about spectator safety due to the reckless abandon with which other rowdy fans are endangering innocent bystanders. By throwing paper airplanes. Read on. I swear. (If it's not big enough, just double click the image and that should enlarge it. If it doesn't click on the link above and read it there.)

Seriously, how are you supposed to reply to something like that? I can't even imagine why that guy even had season tickets. He clearly doesn't quite understand what comes along with going to live sporting events. (He's obviously not an Oakland Raiders fan. I'm pretty sure that team has a prerequisite that you be a convicted felon and are capable of hurling a D battery onto the field from the back of the upper deck.) And just how much attention do you want to pay to a nimrod like that guy? He's obviously an attorney, so I guess it could get ugly, unless....it was responded to in such a manner that only a genius could conceive of it. (Side note: Scott and Mark, this guy is clearly from your tribe. You will be proud, as he is one of your own.) Behold, the response!

I don't know where Mr. James E. Bailey, General Counsel, is to this day, but I hope he is alive and well, living a life of prosperity and has had a statue made in honor that is prominently on display in a town square somewhere. Well done, sir. Well done, indeed.

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Attention, Some Of You Walmart Shoppers

Unclench your underwear, America. The case of the weird, racial, overhead announcement at the Walmart in New Jersey has been solved. Now, in case you didn't follow the story last week, here's the scoop:

A bunch of people were shopping at a Walmart in New Jersey. (Yes, pretty much a dream come true, hanging out at the New Jersey Walmart. May I continue?) At some point, someone gets on the intercom and says, "Attention, Walmart customers. All black people, leave the store now." Ooh. Awkward.

As you can imagine, the silence in the store likely made it the most quiet that the store had ever been. As you can also imagine, black patrons shopping at the store were far from amused. Don't get me wrong. I'm pretty sure that the white folks weren't all that amused either. But the black folks were justifiably a little irritated by the whole thing. Really? Irritated. In what way?

According to an article over at Yahoo! Finance (why it's in the Finance section is a little unclear to me, but the article seems accurate, so I'm going with it), immediately after this odd announcement was made "...a manager quickly got on the public-address system and apologized for the remark." None the less, a rather angry mob (sans pitchforks and torches, as they were all being used for health care protests) gathered and was essentially saying things to the effect of "We need to know if this is the sort of thing that Walmart tolerates." Now, even though I know how this story ends, even if I didn't know, I'd go on ahead and guess that it is not the sort of thing that's tolerated. Call it a hunch. Call it my ability to put my finger right on the pulse of corporate America. Call it what you will. But I'd go ahead and guess that it's not OK with them.

And it wasn't. See, at this particular Walmart, all of the intercom commands were on a list right there next to the intercom. And apparently, the intercom was in an area where it is able to be accessed by not only employees, but rogue patrons with odd senses of humor as well. All someone would have to do would be to walk up to it, punch in the appropriate keys (say star-one-star) and then announce to the entire store "Attention, Walmart shoppers. Human kidneys are now on sale for half off in Sporting Goods." Never mind why a kidney is considered a sporting good in this scenario. The point is that it could happen just like that. And that is pretty much where my sympathy or whatever it is for this story ends because after this point, things just get a little too histrionic for me.

See, a 16-year old (who is pretty clearly an a-hole) was later arrested for doing this. He was charged with was charged with harassment and bias intimidation. The New York Daily News reported that "Authorities said it was unclear if the announcement was ad-libbed or premeditated and said they were investigating a second youth who accompanied the arrested teen to the store." Wait. What now?

They're unclear as to whether he thought of it right then or if he had planned this out? Is this a death penalty case? Why in the world would that make a difference? ("So...did you plan ahead of time to be this much of a jackass, or did it just hid you all of a sudden as you were looking at that Ninetendo Wii?") And what are they going to investigate the second youth for? He didn't do anything (from what I can tell). Can they charge him with "Being in the company of an a-hole"? "Accompanying an a-hole to a retail establishment?" I don't think that they can. In fact, I'm pretty sure they can't. Investigate away. Let me know how that turns out. Or don't.

Then I read that Yahoo! News reported that "Officials say several people have come forward and expressed interest in getting counseling." Translation: Several people are thinking about suing because they want the money, not because they needed counseling over a rogue statement made over a Walmart PA system by an errant 16-year old. Who are you people that you would need counseling after hearing that? If you need actual counseling by an actual counselor, I'm going to suggest that the next time you're in Walmart (if you can get over your obvious PTSD) that you buy yourself some sort of a helmet or headgear to protect that soft, soft dome of yours. Good Lord....

Seriously, some of you folks need to get over yourselves. Folks, for example, like a one Sheila Ellington, a storegoer at the time of the incident. She said, "I want to know why such statements are being made, because it flies in the face of what we teach our children about tolerance for all...If this was meant to be a prank, there's only one person laughing, and it's not either one of us." I don't know what she means by she wants to know why those statements are being made. It's as if she thinks that they were sanctioned by Walmart. And again, I'm going to have to say that I'm pretty sure that they weren't. Pretty sure. (What size is her head?)

Really, I understand why this sort of a thing would be upsetting to black folks who were shopping at the time. It's upsetting to white folks who were shopping at the time. It's upsetting to black and white folks who were not shopping at the time. But to be saying that you need counseling is ridiculous and to be asking questions like, "We need to know if this is the sort of thing that Walmart tolerates" is about one of the most ridiculous questions that you could possibly ask in this sort of situation. First of all, what do you think they're going to say? "Oh, sure. We tolerate this. No problem. Stop by next week on Nazi Tuesday for the full extent of what we'll tolerate." I don't think that's going to happen.

Seriously. According to the article, "Officials for Wal-Mart Stores Inc said the announcement was 'unacceptable'." Really? Oh! So, it's NOT acceptable to get on a PA system and tell all black people to leave the store? Look, if you're the sort of person who needs Walmart to SAY that it's unacceptable, now you know! They've said it's unacceptable. Are you happy now? Again, what else would they say?

My point here is that some things that happen are just that. They're things that happen. They don't have to have a deeper meaning other than someone is an a-hole. Actually, a lot of the time, that's the most obvious meaning of a lot of things. But you know what it was about this whole incident that I think surprised me the most? Have you ever been in a Walmart or any large store when there's an announcement made over the PA system? You can't understand a word that they're saying most of the time! It sounds like someone with marbles in their mouth is gasping for air. That anyone could understand the little jerk at all might really be the story here.

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Mel Gibson's Horrible PR

Mel Gibson must have the worst PR people on the planet. I'm not kidding. They're horrible and he should fire them immediately. Then again, if he's so clueless that he doesn't understand the logistics of staging somewhat of a comeback after a general dislike amongst the public due to fairly harsh anti-Semitic rants after being arrested for drunk driving, then maybe it's not his PR folks and maybe it's just because he's an a-hole.

Let me just recap a few key moments in the Mel Gibson story before going on to the ridiculousness that is him being unable to grasp that people aren't quite over the whole thing just yet. Here's what happened: Back on Julyl 28, 2006, ol' Mel was arrested for DUI. He wasn't as drunk as you'd think, given his behavior which was seemingly unending swearing and cursing and a string of anti-Semitic statements which, according to TMZ consisted of, among other gems "F*****g Jews... The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world." Gibson then asked the deputy, "Are you a Jew?" My favorite part was when he asked a female officer "What do you think you're looking at, sugar tits?" Priceless.

He did issue a statement afterwards which consisted of, among other apologies, "I acted like a person completely out of control when I was arrested, and said things that I do not believe to be true and which are despicable. I am deeply ashamed of everything I said. Also, I take this opportunity to apologize to the deputies involved for my belligerent behavior." He also included that "I have battled with the disease of alcoholism for all of my adult life and profoundly regret my horrific relapse. I apologize for any behavior unbecoming of me in my inebriated state and have already taken necessary steps to ensure my return to health." Fair enough.

Gibson subsequently did whatever he was supposed to do in the eyes of the court and got his record expunged. That was only four years ago. Who knew that you could get your record expunged so quickly? Not me. I thought that stuff had to be on there for a minimum amount of time that I thought that time would have surely been longer than four years. You have to buy special insurance after you've had a DUI for seven years, but you can make it like it never happened after four? Interesting. Do you still have to buy the insurance? Never mind. I digress.

So, fast forward to present day where the world is waiting upon the release of Gibson's first movie since his drunken anti-Jew tirade in Malibu. Something called Edge of Darkness. Now, when you're making movies that cost a gazillion dollars, that means that you have to have at least a gazillion dollars worth of people watching the damn thing in order to make a profit. Or, at the very least, in order to commandeer the sort of salary that you do in the future. Bottom line: Mel Gibson wants people to see his movie. He also wants them to forget about everything else in the world besides his movie. That would include your life, his life and certainly his past.

Over there at CNN we learn of Gibson being interviewed by a one Dean Richards of Chicago's WGN-TV. Richards asks Gibson if he thinks that the public is ready to accept him back into their movie going lives again. Gibson appears to be perplexed by the question and actually had the audacity to ask him what he is referring to specifically. Oh, come on! Are you serious?! What in the world could he be referring to specifically?! His new cat? I don't think so!

He then gives a response that makes him sound like he just got done filming Point Break or something (it's a surfing movie, just in case you couldn't place the reference there). He says, "That's been almost four years, dude. I've moved on. But I guess you haven't." Did he just call him "dude"? I think he did. That's an odd choice of words for someone who, by my account, should be rather humble. This country isn't all that forgiving of any kind of racism, real or perceived.

Richards then tried to elaborate a bit and get more of an answer out of Mel by asking him if he thought that the public had moved on (just as much as Mel had, apparently). Mel replied with, "Well, I certainly hope so. That was a while back, and I've done all the necessary mea culpas, so ... let's move on, dude." Again with the dude. Interesting. And not the least bit apologetic for his behavior, either. Huh.

But wait! There's more! Richards thanks him for his time. Gibson chugs down the last of his coffee or whatever it was that he was drinking. They both say goodbye. Gibson still has a live mike on him. Richards can still hear him (and so can everyone else). Gibson says clearly and directly, "A**hole." Nice.

You know what, Mel? You don't get to decide when this is over. You don't! The public does. You don't get to decide when people are supposed to stop asking you about this thing. You don't. You don't get to go out there and make a gazillion dollars off of your movies and not think that people might want to know what kind of a person that you are before they watch your movies. Granted, I don't know how many people actually make the determination about what movie they're going to see by their level of like or dislike for the star. And your being so flippant about it shows that you don't give a fat rat's ass about continuing to be apologetic about it. And it's going to make folks question whether or not you really were ever apologetic in the first place.

I'm not saying that someone should have to go through the rest of their life having to apologize for one thing that they might have done in the middle of an extremely drunken stupor. (If that were the case, all I'd be doing is apologizing.) But I am saying that if you're a public figure and your paycheck depends on whether or not the public likes you, I suggest that you make the public like you and if that means apologizing until we're all sick of hearing it, then that's what it means.

Now, if Mel had any decent PR folks, they would have told him to answer those questions with something along the lines of "You know, every time I am asked that question or every time that comes up, I am horrified at my behavior all over again. It haunts me every time I think of it and I'm continuing to work on things every day to make sure that I'm never in such a situation again where I behave in such an atrocious manner ever again." THAT would be good. (I'm for hire, by the way. Inquire within.)

Mel can choose to handle it the way that he is choosing to do so. That's fine. He shouldn't expect a whole hell of a lot of public sympathy if that's the way he's going to go, however. And calling the reporter an a-hole? Well, that's just uncool, dude. But what's even more uncool is not even being able to man up and say that's what you did. Granted, I'm not so sure that, in his situation, that he would be able to admit it, but I'd prefer he stay quiet about it, as opposed to the current lie that he is telling which is that his "a-hole" comment was not directed at Richards, but was rather directed at
"...Gibson's publicist Alan Nierob... who was "pulling faces" (at Gibson) during the interview." Oh, please.

Is that the best you can do? Seriously? And Mel came out and said that? Oh, wait. No, no he didn't. It was his jackass PR guy, that Alan Nierob, who said that on Gibson's behalf. Well. That explains everything, doesn't it? This is not going to get any better for Mel Gibson with ol' Nimrod Nierob at the helm. And I can almost guarantee that any interviews after this point that Mel Gibson does will definitely contain questions about "the incident". Seriously, who wouldn't be interviewing Mel Gibson from this point on and NOT be able to ask him about it just to see what he comes up with? (And for God's sake, those of you who do interview him, make sure that his mike is live for at least a good 30 seconds after the interview is over. I'm pretty sure there's some good stuff to be had there!)

The video of Gibson calling Dean Richards an a-hole is below. Enjoy!

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The Reselling of a Scumbag's Ill Begotten Items

Let's see what scumbucket Bernie Madoff spent everyone else's money on, shall we? After all, almost 200 items went up for auction yesterday. All items which were bought with other people's money had been seized from Bernie's three luxury properties that he bought with other people's money (you know, the money that he stole via the biggest Ponzi scheme in the history of the world). Here is just a sampling of some of the things that Madoff made off with.

Here we have a NY Mets jacket with 'Madoff' stitched onto the back. Oooh! How cool were you, dude? What exactly did you think wearing that would accomplish? Did you think that folks were going to look at the 70-ish old you wearing that jacket with your name on the back and think that you played for the Mets?!

Here we have some of his wife's jewelry. This would be three pairs of diamond earrings and a diamond and an Edwardian-era (who the heck is Edward? He has an entire era?!) emerald bracelet. Isn't that bracelet the kind that one would see on loan and on the wrist of a celebrity at the Academy Awards or something? Who owns something like that? Ruth Madoff is (was) who.

Speaking of Ruth (you remember her. She's his wife who claimed to know nothing about her husband's scheming ways. And she felt so badly about what he had done that when she was being evicted from their property, she asked if she could take her furs with her. Yeah, she clearly felt terrible about the whole thing. Bitch.) and her furs, here they are! Minus Ruth, of course. From my count, there are at least ten furs in that picture. Look, no one needs ten furs. I don't think that anyone even needs one fur, really. How many animals are running around naked right this very moment because they had to give up their fur for those coats?? What's that? Dead?!!? Good Lord, it's worse than I thought!

Here is a cigar box and a cigar box bag that it would appear Madoff had made up for some little jaunt off the Montauk in 1993. What is with that logo on that bag? Did some 5th grade class do that for him? Who has bags made for their boxes when they're going on vacation? I've never done that. It not only seems silly, it seems like it would take up a great deal of my time to get accomplished. (Then again, looking at that logo, it doesn't appear as if a whole lot of effort went into this idea. That's what will happen when you're pissing away someone else's money. You don't give a fat rat's ass what you spend it on. After all, it's not your money.)

Here are a couple of his boogie boards with his name wrote on them with permanent marker. What? Was he afraid someone was going to steal them? Oh, no! Then he'd have to go out and buy new ones and who can afford something like that these days?! (Um, probably people who are operating a Ponzi scheme so big it's only through the incompetence of the SEC that they don't get caught sooner.)

This is an appropriate item. This is a Rolex watch that was available to British prisoners of war during World War II. It's name is the Rolex Monoblocco, but it's nicknamed "The Prisoner". How appropriate for Mr. Madoff, as that's exactly what he'll be for the rest of his life. The prisoner. Dumbass. By the way, did I mention that this was only one of several Rolexes that he owned. Not just watches, but Rolexes. I didn't? He did. Own several. At least ten were up for sale at this particular auction. Un-believable. What a jackass.

And finally, we have what I find to be one of the more appropriate pieces of the Bernie Madoff era. This would be a life preserver for one of his boats, seemingly named The Bullship. That's just way too close to bullsh*t for it to just be a coincidence. Pretty accurate, I'd say. Everything that guy did or said was all a bunch of B.S. Hopefully this auction will net a large sum of money. It will never be enough to pay back all of the investors who lost the billions that he siphoned from them, but something is better than nothing. And he has a buttload of more things that can be sold, so look forward to more auctions in the future. Now, if we could only look forward to Bernie being someone's bitch in prison, that would be restitution!

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A Most Incompetent Criminal

We all know that crime committing morons are rampant in Flori-duh. Rampant and incompetent. However, if I were to look high and low (focusing mainly on the really low) throughout Flori-duh and tried to find the most incompetent criminal out there, I'd be tempted to think that I had my work cut out for me. How ever would I choose? Nope, didn't turn out that way. We have a winner. If someone is so dumb and inept that they not only choose to commit a crime against another human being in the first place, but also that they manage to get themselves ID-ed by the victim, that will definitely put one in the running for this dubious honor. But if you're so dumb that the victim (who goes to get help after escaping from you) is able to ID you even though said victim is deaf, almost blind, practically mute and uses a cane to get around? Well, you're either dealing with a disabled superhero or you're just so freaking stupid that being locked up for a while, no matter how long, can only serve to benefit society. You effing idiot.

According to the folks who must report on the idiot criminals of their state over there at the St. Petersburg Times, a man attempted to abduct a 40-year old woman as she was waiting at the bus stop to go to work. He did so by approaching her and leading her to his car, which wasn't unusual, the woman said, because sometimes a co-worker will see her waiting for the bus and give her a ride. It's when the sunlight changed and she could see more clearly (and how clear is that really, as she's legally blind, for cryin' out loud!) that she realized it wasn't a co-worker. But by then the guy was already shoving her into his car. You jackass.

The moron gets in the car with her and attempts to do unspeakables to her. She tries to scream, but the whole being mute thing really puts a damper on that. She did manage to finally locate the door handle and get the door open and take off. Well, as fast as one can "take off" as they hobble away with their cane and their legally blind vision.

She made it to a convenience store (which was actually quite convenient in this instance) and went to the clerk and wrote down what had happened. She wrote that the dude was black, that he had a striped shirt, that he was in a white car, not bad for someone who can't really see. Well, the clerk looks outside and what do you think he saw? Correct. Dumbass sitting in his car in the parking lot! Good Lord, sir, what is wrong with you?

The clerk calls the cops and has someone in the store go get the plate number. Well, before the cops got there, the car had taken off. And went across the street and parked at that gas station instead. I ask again, what is wrong with you?

Now, not only was our Einstein still in his car across the street from where the woman had ran to, according to the Times when the cop who responded to the call approached the car he saw that, "Inside, 50-year-old Luis Mendez sat, pants unzipped and physically aroused, police said. He had two knives tucked inside the driver's side pocket, police said; under his seat was a large club wrapped in duct tape." What. The. Bloody. Hell?

Don't get me wrong, I'm glad that they caught this a-hole. Extremely glad. But what the hell was he thinking? Was he waiting for her to go out of the store so he could try again? Was he just so turned on by his own bad self that he couldn't even make it home? No, forget about making it home, he couldn't even make it down a block or two?!?! He could only get as far as across the street?! And then to stay in one's car and expose thine perverted nether region? There is something seriously wrong with you if that's how you spend your mornings.

When the victim was asked to identify the guy as the one who had shoved her in his car, "...before the open back door of the cruiser where the man was seated, the woman lowered her face to his face. Only inches separated them. She put her eyes to his eyes, placed her hands on his handcuffed hands, then turned and collapsed, sobbing in the arms of a detective." You're just an A-hole, sir. Just an A-hole. An A-hole who seems to have been positively identified by a woman who is legally blind, walks with a cane, is mute and is deaf. Yep, I present to you the world's most incompetent criminal. (At the very least, he's the world's worst getaway artist.)

Granted, this wasn't quite as amusing (in the retelling) as I'd hoped, but it does serve to illustrate a point that's hard to argue with. Aside from the fact that "Pinball Wizard" by The Who has been repeating itself in my head ever since I wrote "deaf and blind" in the first paragraph (...and blind kid, sure plays a mean pin-ball...), people in Flori-duh are morons. They are a certain kind of moron. It's the kind of moron that doesn't even think about whether or not something might be right, might be wrong, might be a good idea, might be a bad idea, nothing. They think about nothing. If anything at all goes through their head all the live long day, my guess is that it's probably just lint. I'd wager that there's just a low humming noise that is present at all times for those idiots. No thoughts. No words. Just a hum. (And not a sing-song-y hum or a happy hum like you just got laid or something. Just a low, monotone, buzzing noise.)

We need an island. We need someplace that is not connected to the mainland where we can send these idiots and start clearing them out. I'm worried that Flori-duh is going to just be bursting at the seams with sick idiots like this guy and they'll start infiltrating the rest of the country in droves. Where can we get an island? It's going to have to be fairly cheap, as we're kind of dealing with this recession thing right now. There's not a lot of spare change lying around. What about Cuba? Are those Castro boys still using that? What about the island where Tom Hanks was? Or that Nell chick? What about their islands? Are they available? God, I hope so. The island motto can be "Idiot-ahu - Where Flori-duh Idiots Check In, But They Don't Che....Hey! Over here! I'm still talking!" (Shiny objects always distract the simple.)

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