Saturday, February 14, 2009

A Most Incompetent Criminal

We all know that crime committing morons are rampant in Flori-duh. Rampant and incompetent. However, if I were to look high and low (focusing mainly on the really low) throughout Flori-duh and tried to find the most incompetent criminal out there, I'd be tempted to think that I had my work cut out for me. How ever would I choose? Nope, didn't turn out that way. We have a winner. If someone is so dumb and inept that they not only choose to commit a crime against another human being in the first place, but also that they manage to get themselves ID-ed by the victim, that will definitely put one in the running for this dubious honor. But if you're so dumb that the victim (who goes to get help after escaping from you) is able to ID you even though said victim is deaf, almost blind, practically mute and uses a cane to get around? Well, you're either dealing with a disabled superhero or you're just so freaking stupid that being locked up for a while, no matter how long, can only serve to benefit society. You effing idiot.

According to the folks who must report on the idiot criminals of their state over there at the St. Petersburg Times, a man attempted to abduct a 40-year old woman as she was waiting at the bus stop to go to work. He did so by approaching her and leading her to his car, which wasn't unusual, the woman said, because sometimes a co-worker will see her waiting for the bus and give her a ride. It's when the sunlight changed and she could see more clearly (and how clear is that really, as she's legally blind, for cryin' out loud!) that she realized it wasn't a co-worker. But by then the guy was already shoving her into his car. You jackass.

The moron gets in the car with her and attempts to do unspeakables to her. She tries to scream, but the whole being mute thing really puts a damper on that. She did manage to finally locate the door handle and get the door open and take off. Well, as fast as one can "take off" as they hobble away with their cane and their legally blind vision.

She made it to a convenience store (which was actually quite convenient in this instance) and went to the clerk and wrote down what had happened. She wrote that the dude was black, that he had a striped shirt, that he was in a white car, not bad for someone who can't really see. Well, the clerk looks outside and what do you think he saw? Correct. Dumbass sitting in his car in the parking lot! Good Lord, sir, what is wrong with you?

The clerk calls the cops and has someone in the store go get the plate number. Well, before the cops got there, the car had taken off. And went across the street and parked at that gas station instead. I ask again, what is wrong with you?

Now, not only was our Einstein still in his car across the street from where the woman had ran to, according to the Times when the cop who responded to the call approached the car he saw that, "Inside, 50-year-old Luis Mendez sat, pants unzipped and physically aroused, police said. He had two knives tucked inside the driver's side pocket, police said; under his seat was a large club wrapped in duct tape." What. The. Bloody. Hell?

Don't get me wrong, I'm glad that they caught this a-hole. Extremely glad. But what the hell was he thinking? Was he waiting for her to go out of the store so he could try again? Was he just so turned on by his own bad self that he couldn't even make it home? No, forget about making it home, he couldn't even make it down a block or two?!?! He could only get as far as across the street?! And then to stay in one's car and expose thine perverted nether region? There is something seriously wrong with you if that's how you spend your mornings.

When the victim was asked to identify the guy as the one who had shoved her in his car, "...before the open back door of the cruiser where the man was seated, the woman lowered her face to his face. Only inches separated them. She put her eyes to his eyes, placed her hands on his handcuffed hands, then turned and collapsed, sobbing in the arms of a detective." You're just an A-hole, sir. Just an A-hole. An A-hole who seems to have been positively identified by a woman who is legally blind, walks with a cane, is mute and is deaf. Yep, I present to you the world's most incompetent criminal. (At the very least, he's the world's worst getaway artist.)

Granted, this wasn't quite as amusing (in the retelling) as I'd hoped, but it does serve to illustrate a point that's hard to argue with. Aside from the fact that "Pinball Wizard" by The Who has been repeating itself in my head ever since I wrote "deaf and blind" in the first paragraph (...and blind kid, sure plays a mean pin-ball...), people in Flori-duh are morons. They are a certain kind of moron. It's the kind of moron that doesn't even think about whether or not something might be right, might be wrong, might be a good idea, might be a bad idea, nothing. They think about nothing. If anything at all goes through their head all the live long day, my guess is that it's probably just lint. I'd wager that there's just a low humming noise that is present at all times for those idiots. No thoughts. No words. Just a hum. (And not a sing-song-y hum or a happy hum like you just got laid or something. Just a low, monotone, buzzing noise.)

We need an island. We need someplace that is not connected to the mainland where we can send these idiots and start clearing them out. I'm worried that Flori-duh is going to just be bursting at the seams with sick idiots like this guy and they'll start infiltrating the rest of the country in droves. Where can we get an island? It's going to have to be fairly cheap, as we're kind of dealing with this recession thing right now. There's not a lot of spare change lying around. What about Cuba? Are those Castro boys still using that? What about the island where Tom Hanks was? Or that Nell chick? What about their islands? Are they available? God, I hope so. The island motto can be "Idiot-ahu - Where Flori-duh Idiots Check In, But They Don't Che....Hey! Over here! I'm still talking!" (Shiny objects always distract the simple.)

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