Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Useless and Unnecessary, Aquatic Version

Feeling like you just need a little time alone? Craving that time by yourself, but can't ever seem to get it? Would kill for just a few moments to talk on the phone without being interrupted by someone? Well if those laments sound like things you've thought recently, then do I have the solution for you! That's right! The solution to being able to be by yourself, to being left alone by others, to not being interrupted while you're in the middle of something. That's right! And it's available to the public for the ridiculous price of $19.99 (and they accept PayPal! How convenient!). If you're ready to reclaim that lost time to yourself, wait no longer. Behold! The Fin Phone!

Oh, what the hell is that?! That was my question, too! That is a FIN Phone© swim FLIPPER Phone© cell phone holster. Yes, apparently that is the name (though they seem to go with just FIN Phone© on occasion, so I guess I will too). Again, what the hell? By the time people get done saying that name I'm pretty sure that they'll have come to their senses lost interest in the thing. What say maybe think about not marketing this ridiculous and useless product and save up a little space in the landfill instead?

According to the website over there at the FIN Phone© swim FLIPPER Phone© cell phone holster was "designed exclusively with FUN in mind!" Are they sure it wasn't designed exclusively with crap in mind? 'Cause that's what it's looking like to me. What on earth gave these folks the idea that what America (and the rest of the world) wants, that what America needs during these dark economic times is a small, brightly colored holster that you can put your cell phone in and then appear as if you are talking into a swim fin? What would give anyone that sort of an idea? (Other than marijuana and/or shrooms.) I cannot even begin to imagine.

But not only is it just plain old ridiculous looking and not anything that anyone is going to want to be seen with, let alone actually talking into as if they were starring in the aquatic version of Get Smart. Even the points that they try to make their selling points don't cut it. They say that it is "perfect for any water sports enthusiast!" And while that may be true, it's certainly not "perfect for anyone who doesn't want to appear to have a direct line straight to Aquaman!" If one of my friends whips that puppy out when I'm with them, they are definitely going to get that alone time that they've been craving, no doubt about that. Look at Fin Phone Tony over there. Orange cap, blue roach clip, big ol' watch and talking to Spongebob on a hot pink swim fin. Not exactly a chick magnet in 2009.

They try to sell you on its versatile features by mentioning "its adjustable heel strap allows it to be hung most anywhere." Is that the problem with cell phones and cell technology these days? Not enough hanging places? Not enough hangers? Is that it? People always wishing they could somehow, some way hang their cell phone on that perfectly good hook over there? Is that what's holding us all back? Hmmm...yeah, I don't think it is.

Wait! Don't give up on all of the hanging so quickly! As they tell us "Hang it on a boat rail, beach bag, or anywhere for easy access." Huh. Well, that is something to think about. Let's see...where do I currently keep my cell phone for easy access? Oh, that's right! I keep it in my hand! My very easy to access, hookless hand! What the hell?

They do warn you about what to expect if you purchase this product. In big red letters it reads "WARNING: This product may attract a lot of attention!" Oh, I don't doubt that for a minute! Nope, not at all. Whoever it is that is responsible for this also tells us how it came to be. It was "...created along the Mississippi River some years ago. While the sweltering heat and a full cooler may have prompted it’s creation, the concept lived on." So....they were delirious from the heat and drank the entire cooler of beer whilst on the Mississippi and then one dude, mid-drunken river stupor, said to the other drunk dude, "Hey, dude, let's put our cell phones into a swim fin."? I don't think I've ever been that drunk! I also don't know what is meant by "the concept lived on". The concept of....what? I mean, right before that it says that it was created, so...yeah...the concept would live you made the product! What the hell?

But here is what I find the most ridiculous about the FIN Phone©: The thing isn't waterproof or anything. I'm sorry but I think swim fin, I think the thing is meant to go in the water. If it were some sort of flotation device for your cell phone that was also waterproof, at least then it would have a purpose. Then you could take it on a boat and hang it wherever and wouldn't have to worry about it getting wet (or losing it. For cryin' out loud, you couldn't lose that thing if you tried! And I would try! It's hideous.). But all this does is make you look like an idiot. An idiot talking into a swim fin. Grand. On top of that, it's called the FIN PHONE©, but it's just the FIN. You're the one supplying the phone part. This thing is wrong on so many levels. I hope whoever is responsible for this didn't blow their kids' entire college fund on it.

Who is going to want one of these other than the elderly in Florida? No one that I can think of. Possibly folks in Japan. They're pretty big on wacky stuff like this. Other than that, I'm thinking the market of people that might actually plunk down twenty bucks for this is relatively small. See?! Good things can come from a recession! No need to panic! This one will work itself out through the Darwinism of Retail Products. Should be one of the quickest demises due to survival of the fittest ever in the history of capitalism. I mean, that chick over there seems hot enough, but no one's hot enough to get me to buy The Friend Repellant.

Seriously, if I was at the beach with my friends and one of them pulled this thing out of their pocket or reached over and grabbed it off of the convenient hook it was hanging on (where is this hook supposed to be when I'm walking along the beach, eh? Do I have to carry the hook so that I can hang the phone on it? It seems like it would be bulky. And stupid.)

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