It's time for a quick recap of news from last week. And wouldn't you know it, Aretha Franklin's hat was there with the coverage. Let's check in, shall we?
- Alex Rodriguez held a press conference where he sort of admitted he did steroids. Actually, he admitted that his unidentified cousin was the one who injected him with the steroids. A-Roid blamed his allowing the
fictionalunidentified cousin to do so on being "young and stupid". He was 25 at the time. I guess he's hoping the public is "young and stupid" as well if we're going to buy that one.
- Michelle Obama made the cover of Vogue Magazine. She doesn't look overly comfortable in that pose. According to her mother, a Mrs. Marion Robinson, "I laugh now because I always taught Michelle to step out of her comfort zone in life. But I never thought she was going to step this far out of that zone."
- Chris Brown gave an apology for the "incident" that took place before the Grammys which is alleged to entail him beating the holy canoli out of a one Rihanna. Whenever an apology begins with "Words cannot begin to express..." you just want to yell, "You're right, so shut up!" But when they're followed by crap like "...how sorry and saddened I am over what transpired....I am seeking the counselling...." that's when it's time to say, "Hey, how about you forget the counselling and just stop beating up women, you pussy! You need counselling to figure that out?! Don't hit women, you loser!"
- In Connecticut, police shot and killed a one Travis the chimp after said chimp had attacked the friend of the woman that he lived with. According to the AP, "Travis the chimpanzee, a veteran of TV commercials....could eat at the table, drink wine from a stemmed glass, use the toilet, and dress and bathe himself. He brushed his teeth with a Water Pik, logged on to a computer to look at photos and channel-surfed television with the remote control." Um, this is a monkey we're still talking about right? I thought so. See, I don't see those qualities in a monkey as being a good thing, you know? Come on, a Water Pik?! Did he have some Crest Whitening Strips too? It's sad he was killed, but just a bit sadder that he ripped some woman's face off. Oh, and right before he was shot dead? Yeah, he was climbing into one of the officer's police cruiser. And this is why you shouldn't teach your pets much more than "sit" and "stay".
- And finally, we have Nadya Suleman, the OctoMom, who is grateful that she has about another six weeks before her in-vitro fertilized octuplets come home because she is going to need to figure out how to take fourteen kids to the park. Usually, when people are figuring out how to do that, it's because they're planning a class field trip! She is apparently unaware that she is living in La-La Land if she thinks that she's going to be able to do anything besides inhale and exhale (and even that is questionable). But I'm sure she'll make time to cash all of the disability checks that she receives.