Saturday, February 21, 2009

Fashion for What Kind of Men?


So Miley Cyrus, one of the offspring of the founding father of the mullet, a one Billy Ray Cyrus, has been dating a guy that apparently Daddy Ray introduced her to. Now, Miley is 16. The dude is 20. Now, I can understand why a 16 year old would want to date a 20 year old. That I get. I don't necessarily get why a 20 year old would want to date a 16 year old. I mean, I know why they would want to be with a 16 year old, but date a 16 year old? Whose father is Mullet Ray? My impression of Billy Ray is a guy who is a little bit more redneck than he is aware of, but who is also the kind of protective Dad that every girl should have. You know, the kind that will literally hunt down any boy who is out of line or in her pants and beat the hell out of him explain to him that he doesn't want to see him around his daughter again. That is a fine quality, the one of placing eternal fear in all would-be suitors of your daughter, for a father to have.

That being said, I thought it was a tad bit odd to read that ol' Tank Top Cyrus there is the one who got daughter Miley hooked up with a one Justin Gaston. You'd think that he'd know better than to take a fairly good looking, 20-year old male with raging hormones and place him in front of his 16-year old daughter with raging hormones. And one article I was reading somewhere asked the question, "Should Billy Ray be worried about Miley and Justin?" Well, considering that he was the one that got them together, I'm guessing the question doesn't really matter, as he didn't seem to be worried about it beforehand. But if you didn't know that, it seems like a fair question. I needed to know more about this Justin chap first, though.

It wasn't hard to find too much on the guy. He's one of those pretty boys who seems to make a good model for products where they need someone to stare directly into a camera lens and look like they haven't blinked since that afternoon that they spent staring at the sun back in 2003. They also appear to look good when spritzed with water and photographed in black and white. VMAN magazine calls him Mr. Miley. Ugh. But then I saw a picture of him. And that's when I called him A.C. Slater from Saved by the Bell. Behold!

Oh, what the hell is that?! Dude, Flashdance is out! OUT!! I guess he's not wearing a top because he tore the sweatshirt too much while trying to get that off of the shoulder look that Jennifer Beals wore so well? What the hell is that?! Do we have anything else of this lad, you ask? We do! Behold! It's no different!

Yeah, dude, that doesn't look gay at all. Nice. So, would you also say that nine out of ten times you're holding up the peace sign with no shirt on and wearing a bandanna around your head? Nothing says manly man like...well...like....well not like that! Are you sure you're not stuck in the 80s? Or are you just really, really wanting to be Corey Haim? Behold!

I'm finding all of this very odd. Up there he has this 80s teen heartthrob looking that he's trying, all the while it looks like he might have been poked in the eye by his Flock of Seagulls hair-do. (By the way, at this point, it's a pretty good bet that ol' Daddy Ray there has nothing to worry about. Nope! It's fine. NO problems there. Uh-huh!)


These photos were in the VMAN magazine. VMAN appears to be some sort of fashion magazine, but the sort of fashion is exactly what I'm unclear on. Behold!


OH, what the hell is THAT?! "Fearless Men's Fashion"?? You'd have to have ZERO fear to wear something like that and not be afraid that you were going to get the hell beat out of you by a real man! Are you kidding me?! "Spring is Looking Bright"?? For who?? Gay breakdancers?!

Here is one of VMANs photos of Gucci clothes that are being sported by what I can only surmise to be the VMAN version of New Kids on the Block.

I really don't know what to make of that. There's the guy on the left wearing his sister's pink My Pretty Pony pants. The dude over there on the right could easily be the spawn of the kid that starred with Molly Ringwald in Sixteen Candles. Next to him is a guy with a cereal bowl on his head (he's clearly the challenged one). And the guy in the middle is doing the most feminine version of Angus Young's one legged guitar hop that I've ever seen. So put a bowl on your head and run out and get yourself some Gucci quick!

OH, sure! Nothing says 'brawny' like having your man and his buddies dress up like a bunch of geishas in that photo below! "No, honey! I don't have time to watch the Super Bowl! I'm soaking my kimono in Woolite!" "No, you're going to have to go to the Monster Truck Rally next Saturday without me!"
OK, now someone is just being silly! Why is that in a fashion magazine that is supposed to be for men?! (Wait a minute. What does that "V" in "VMAN" stand for? I'm leaning toward "vagina" in this case. Well, I might lean toward it in cases other than this, but definitely this!)
And while the caption for the photo below says that it is clothing from the Calvin Klein collection, I still have questions. The first question is, who is collecting clothing like that? The second question is, "That guy on the far left looks like Doogie Howser with a jockstrap on his head. Why is that?" Just looking at the picture has caused a little song to pop up in my head. You know the tune! Sing along! "One of these things is not like the others! All of those guys...look kind of gay!" I can't help it! It keeps repeating!

These guys all look fairly young. Do you think that they knew that people would see these pictures? I'm having a hard time believing that they would have known that and then, of their own free will, gone ahead and let someone take pictures.

I guess my point here has been that Daddy Ray Redneck has nothing to worry about with his daughter hanging out with Pretty Boy VMAN there. (Granted, I'm not thrilled about a 20-year old hanging out with a 16-year old, but I think I am less concerned about it in this situation than I would be with others and for fairly obvious reasons which I think I have clearly illustrated with illustrations!)

Look, there's a reason for men. And it's so that they can look like MEN! (And move heavy objects from time to time! What?? They like to do it!) I don't need a bunch of men that look like the Miami Vice wardrobe on crack. I need men that can move an armoir without worrying if they're going to break a nail! Where are all of the men that look like men?!?!


That's not exactly what I had in mind.

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3 comments:

grannyann said...

I sure am glad I am not a teenager.

La Belle Canadienne said...

U must have gone 2 high school in the 80s cuz who else watched Sixteen Candles...but then u knew AC Slater from Saved By Bell..interesting...heck maybe u just watch 2 much tv...

U gotta stop looking at fashion magazines Mare..they r gonna be the death of u..but they do provide some interesting commentary that's 4 sure...

Mare said...

I did go to high school in the 80s! But I did not watch Saved by the Bell. My brain is just an encyclopedia of useless information.

I'd love to not have to see all of the new "fashion" that is being created, but whenever it's "Fashion Week" in the city of the designers choosing, all I see in the news are animal print pantsuit/evening gown combinations being worn backwards by overly Xanex-ed up fashion models who are rail thin due to their diet of dust and Chiclets. I have no choice but to pay attention then subsequently mock away.