Monday, February 16, 2009

That's Not Fat

I don't know if it's a good thing or a not so good thing that at least the United States isn't the only asinine country where the ideal weight for a woman is slightly less than that of a broomstick (which, incidentally, is about what women look like after they have achieved said weight). The US has this misconception about what is "thin" and what is "fat" in regard to a woman's appearance. For some reason, it's thought of as extremely attractive to be extremely thin. Oh, but not too thin! But they'll let you know when you get there. But until you hear otherwise, you're fat.

First ridiculous case in point was Jessica Simpson. Now, I've recently learned that she is not one of the yellow cartoon characters on that show with Bart and Homer. She is, apparently, some sort of singer type who dates Tony Romo. (And, just so we're all clear, I've also learned that he is not the guy with the fantastic BBQ ribs, as that is a Tony Roma. Tony Romo is the quarterback for the Dallas Cowboys. She dates him. Now we're all caught up.) She also played Daisy Duke in the God-awful Dukes of Hazzard movie. She was nowhere near sultry Catherine Bach material at all. But behold anyway! Daisy Duke in Daisy Dukes!

OK, so that was her in 2005. This is her a couple of weeks ago. Behold! Normal!

After photos like the one above began circulating, people started acting as if she were a beached whale that had to be lifted by crane onto the stage. There was all of the talk about how much weight she had gained and look how fat she was. Um, what? Granted, in the Dukes of Hazzard movie? Much thinner, agreed. But that's not a normal weight. That's not something that anyone can maintain without surviving on a lifelong diet consisting only of dust and Chiclets.

And while I'll grant that the jeans were probably not the best choice (no one needs a pleated front. Please. Does no one else watch What Not To Wear? Stacy and Clinton are very against the pleat!), it could have been worse. And listen, all of the references to her in her "mom jeans" are really misdirected. You know who wears the "mom jeans"? Bill Parcells! Behold!

Heckuva coach. Helluva dresser.

So back to the unnatural expected weight of women in society and culture. In Germany, there is apparently some designer guy named (I swear) Wolfgang Joop. (Nooooo...that doesn't sound gay at all!) This Joop fellow and other fashion constituents (ie, snobs) has recently said that Heidi Klum (rhymes with "broom". You can remember that because it's what models are supposed to resemble if you ask guys like Joop), who hosts the Bravo TV show "Project Runway" (known to some people's mother, no matter how many times you correct her, as "Project Runaway"), is too fat. Wait. What?

OK, he didn't use the term "fat". According to Bild, he said, “No way. She is no runway model! Heidi Klum is simply too heavy and has too big a bust. And she always grins so stupidly. That is not avant-garde – that is commercial!” I don't know so much about the grinning. Isn't that what all models do? Grin and look pretty? I don't mind it. It's better than being scowled at by someone really hot. But "too heavy"? I...I...I just don't see how! And "too big a bust"? I'm sorry, but I really don't think that's possible. And looking at the photo over there, I'm pretty sure it's not possible.

Are we sure this guy is a top German fashion designer? He looks like Dr. Smith from Lost in Space.

What is it with the Germans and their dislike for Heidi Klum? Joop isn't the only one who thinks that she's too large. The head of Louisa Models, a modeling agency in Germany, Louisa von Minckwitz thinks that, Heidi has hips and voluptuous curves. Ideal measurements for a catwalk model are 87-58-88. Heidi has 91-69-94." Argh! Stupid metric system. Those measurements are in centimeters. To convert to something that I'll know what it is, I'm going to need inches. Let's see...carry the one...thirteen...twenty....carry again.....OK! Got it! In inches, that crazy modeling agency Nazi thinks that the ideal measurements for a catwalk model are 34-23-35. And if I am remembering correctly, those are about the measurements that an actual cat might have! In contrast, the not too heavy and beautifully busted Ms. Klum's measurements are 36-27-37, which are about the equivalent to a large cat. Seriously, what are they talking about?!

Ms. von Nitwit also says that “At 1.76 metres she is five centimetres too short." TWO inches too short?! Is there some sort of model sign on the runway with a funny looking cartoon character holding his arm out that reads, "You must be at least this tall to model on this runway"? I don't think there is! What is wrong with people?! Now she's fat AND too tall! She's a giant whale! Run!

Oh, let's throw another moron into the mix! Let's add a one seventy-five year old "fashion guru" named Karl Lagerfel, who dismissed her by saying, “I don’t know Heidi Klum. She was never known in France. Claudia Schiffer also doesn’t know who she is.” Dude, I'll bet you Claudia Schiffer does know who she is. Those model types, they all tend to know each other. I'm guessing that's because they're always watching their back for the others. And a lot of the time, people tend to relate better to others who are in their same field. Like in the case of models, they're going to want to call another model chick when they need someone to hold their hair back so that they can vomit up their latest meal. People not in the modeling profession wouldn't really understand that so much. So I'll still bet that Claudia Schiffer knows who she is. I'll just hope she doesn't think that she's fat.

But speaking of how people look, um....Mr. Lagerfel? Dude? What is with the formaldehyde preserved Amadeus look you have going on there? You can look like that, but this woman, this Heidi Klum, this is the person whom and the others quoted above think is too heavy, too busty, too tall and unknown?! Have I mentioned that she will be appearing in GQ this month? Not just IN GQ, she'll be on the cover! THIS is the woman of whom you speak of not being good enough to grace your presence? HER:

Huh. Funny, she doesn't strike me as being too heavy, too busty or too damn tall. She just strikes me. Wow. If that isn't good enough for you people, then nothing is. But don't try to make everyone else think that it's not good enough for them either. Where exactly, do those lunatics think that she should lose her "heaviness"? I'm looking, but I can't seem to zero in on the problem areas. Maybe because there aren't any. Time to give up this ridiculous notion of what fat looks like if you're one of those that thinks that the photos above are it. Because if people just stop and think about it for two seconds, they'll realize that we've all seen fat and Heidi Klum and Jessica Simpson are not it.

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La Belle Canadienne said...

So gay weird-dressing MALE fashion designers want most women to have the figure of a 14 yr old boy....hmmm...any1 else notice something odd about that...maybe their sexual ideal is not the rest of the male population's...or women's population for that matter...average size in USA is 14 i believe...Heidi has the perfect body that 99% of women would kill 4...these people...just plain retarded...

Mare said...

Ah, yes, I would definitely kill for Heidi's bod. The things I could do with that...oh, wait. Oh, you mean for me?! Right. Well, that too, I'm just sayin'. =)

Good point about the male designers wanting all of the models to look like pre pubsecent boys. I wonder if they've ever looked into careers in scouting! Ew.

And if the average size in the US is 14, I'd certainly like to know where the ones who make up the lower end of that average group come in because half of the time you wouldn't think that there was a problem with people coming into this country from South, but rather entire pods of whales migrating onto land! Why are people so LARGE??

Given the general size of a lot of folks over here, I definitely don't see how Heidi could be considered anything OTHER than "fine" and "hot". Though the dude who said that stuff about her didn't exactly look like he was much of an "expert" on "women", you know?

ElektraShockBlog said...

Louisa Von Minkwitz does it again:

read what she had to say about the 'ordinary women:
and my opinion on it:

if that doesn't work: go to and click on: "Most popular German women's mag bans stick-thin"

I had a great laugh reading your blog post! Well done!

One thing: It must be KARL LAGERFELD (you forgot the D). Unfortunatelly we Europeans all know his name.... If he wouldn't been famous for anything, he'd be considered an oddball. But all famous oddballs are being tagged as 'excentric...'

Mare said...

Thanks for correct the LAGERFEL to LAGERFELD. I'll take your word for it as you're the European and I am not. I'm assuming it would be akin to my explaining to someone in a different country that it's BRAD PITT and not BRAD PIT and I know that just because I have to see his name every freakin time I read anything.

Thanks for reading!

Anonymous said...

Few days ago, a friend (here in the USA) told me that she had been forced to cut a 10 day trip to Germany back to just one night because the Germans were so incredibly & aggressively rude about her weight. She is quite heavy -- maybe 300 pounds, tall & big-boned. She said Germans came right up to her & told her she was ugly & hideous to get face. Others mocked her within earshot. Some refused to speak to her. It was a nightmare from the time she entered the country until she & her boyfriend fled the country to get away from it.

I'd gotten a taste of this German asshole behavior right here in the USA when an older German man behind me in the grocery checkout line cackled loudly about the size of my butt (I'm not very overweight but do have a big behind). He went on & on & on, loudly mocking it, complete with hand gestures & encouraging the very young male checkout to laugh at it with him like it was the may preposterous sight in the world.

I know Germans are tactless (got some in my family). But the way they lay into anybody they perceive as overweight is really beyond the pale. There should be a State Department travel advisory for overweight Americans planning trips to Germany. I sure wouldn't go there at any weight.