Thursday, February 12, 2009

They're Pairing Up In Flori-duh

Just a couple of days ago I brought you the idiotic antics of two individuals who both reside in the over-chlorinated gene pool of Flori-duh and who both called 911 on the same day for asinine reasons. One called because he was drunk and the store clerk wouldn't sell him more beer on a lovely Saturday morning (one just made for drinkin' I'd imagine!). And the other called because the Burger King had run out of lemonade. (Apparently, the man was quite parched and no other ade would do.) And again we have two numbnuts, in Flori-duh, committing crimes using mostly their wits. That, of course, explains why they were so easily apprehended. That's the thing about moronic criminals. They're easy to catch, but there's just so damn many of them that it's hard to tell that we've even made a dent.

Let's first wander cautiously over to Cape Haze, Flori-duh where we'll meet a one David Eric Hampton. Mr. Hampton decided it would be a good idea to rob the BP gas station. He clearly put much thought into his plan as he brought along his 12-inch Bowie knife as a weapon. Now, don't get me wrong or anything, but I'm just not going to be as intimidated by a guy with a knife as a weapon during a robbery as I would have been if the guy had a gun. Oh, I'm still going to give him the money! He does have a knife and knives by definition are usually quite pointy and can cause harm to a one gas station clerk who does not want to end up all puncture-y. So I'd comply, I'd just take my time.

However, I'm thinking that the dumbass probably should have made a list of things to bring along for the robbery. Perhaps that way he would have remembered to fill his car up with gas first and would not have subsequently run out of gas during his getaway after robbing the gas station. Oh, the irony.

He took off from the scene in his super-cool getaway car, a white Mercury Cougar while a customer in the store called 911. (Hey, 911-calling morons from the other post! See? This is an example of a legitimate reason to call 911! Not being able to quench your thirst with your beverage of choice is not a reason to call!) Cops arrived and searched the area around the gas station and in the direction of which our incompetent hero fled. It was during that search that they found his black hooded sweatshirt and "other clothing", according to Tampa's 10 Connects, behind a house. That's when a newspaper carrier told the cops that a guy with a white car told him that he had run out of gas just up the road.

The cops found the car and learned that it was registered to our incompetent dumbass. Said incompetent dumbass was found sitting behind a house that was nearby. I guess he thought he was hiding? He didn't do a very good job of that either, as the cops found him and arrested him. He looks about like what you'd expect, doesn't he?


And the other genius in this crime blundering duo looks about like you'd expect him to look as well. Here we have a one Nicolas Tatum who wandered into a Walgreen's in Naples and "...demanded a bottle of an undisclosed medication" reported the Naples Daily News. Instead of openly brandishing a weapon such as a 12-inch Bowie knife, Mr. Tatum used the old pointed-finger-in-the-jacket-pocket ploy. I'm assuming it was a ploy, as he told the pharmacy tech that it was a real gun which is one of the leading indicators that there is no gun in there.


So while he's trying to be Pointy von Scary-Robber, another pharmacy tech comes over and asks if he's been helped. Wow! Now that's customer service for you right there! And in a flash of inspiration, the tech asked Tatum "...for his name and birth date." You know, "...so he could check for his prescription."

Yeah, sure, that's brilliant and all but come on, how stupid would someone have to be to actually give their real na.....he did give his real name to the guy?!?! AND his real birthday?!?! As he was trying to rob the pharmacy?!?! You know, there's dumb and then there's dumb, but this is the kind of dumb that you just can't argue with.

Yep, so dude tells them that he is "Nicolas Tatum, and that he was born on Oct. 15, 1980". And in another brilliant flash of inspiration the pharmacy tech told him that "...he couldn’t fill his prescription for another month." I guess after the guy gave up his real name and birthday, the pharmacy guy figured that he might as well try to get him out of there by saying that he'd have to wait a month. Heck, I'd try anything at that point. Maybe shout, "Look! A unicorn!!" Then see if he turns around and when he does, hit him over the head. Man, with this guy, you could probably just point to the floor and say, "Look! A quarter!" and that would be sufficient.

Anyway, when people came into the store, Einstein here fled. They pharmacy folks gave his plainly stated name and birthday to the cops who then paid him a visit at his apartment. They were pretty sure it was him who had tried to rob the pharmacy as he "...was still wearing the baseball cap and jeans he had on in surveillance video from Walgreens." Doesn't even change out of his robbin' clothes when he gets home. That's a shame. Enjoy jail, loser.

Do I lie about these things? Of course not. They're just going to start happening in twos down in Flori-duh from now on, I can feel it. As if you need any more proof, here is a list of some of the other stories that were being covered on Tampa's 10 Connects:
  • Woman accused of illegal butt injections turns herself in

  • Bag of M&M's clenches "Zorro" case

  • Woman accused of having sex with dogs

  • Woman wielding a BBQ fork shot dead by police

  • Dad let 8-year old son drive
Enough said. Flori-duh - America's Freak Show; It's Where to Turn if You Think There's Hope. There's Not. Flori-duh.

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