Thursday, February 26, 2009

What's That Number Again, Joe?

And I was worried that there wouldn't be enough material to make fun of when Grandpa Old Man Senator John McCain lost the Presidential election and wouldn't be in the public eye every day. He was a near endless source of amusement, especially toward the end of the campaign when you could tell he really needed a nap. In his state of elderly exhaustion, things just came flying out of his mouth that would have been sheer genius if they were intended to be funny and to mock the old. But they weren't, so instead he was the one being mocked.

But those days are over and new ones are upon us! And I knew that this guy would eventually poke his head out of his shell and give us a glimpse of what we're in for. I just wasn't sure how long it would take before he would do the head poking. Turns out, it was just a little over a month. Meet my new source for go-to political entertainment, Vice President Joe Biden!

VP Biden is one of those guys that, once you get to know him you realize that he is a really smart man and really does know what he's doing. But the other thing you realize when you get to know the guy is that he might know what he's doing, but he doesn't always seem to know what he's saying. Or if he does know what he's saying, he certainly doesn't do a very good job of letting other people know that he knows what he's talking about. Other times, he's crystal clear though. Some times, too clear.

Take for example, back when he was trying to campaign for the Presidential nomination. (This guy has tried to run for President at least twice, maybe three times. And no one wanted him for President, but they were just fine with him being Vice President. Go figure. I guess having President Barry leading the charge works well no matter who you are.) During the Democratic primary he told a crowd that Rudy Giuliani always mentions three things in every sentence - ``a noun, a verb, and 9/11''. That's funny stuff. Funnier because it's true, but still funny.

Then there was the campaign in 2008. That's when Joe made it clear that he might understand the importance of getting people in this country employed, and at the same time made it appear as if his counting skills need a bit of work when he told a crowd, "Look, John's last-minute economic plan does nothing to tackle the number-one job facing the middle class, and it happens to be, as Barack says, a three-letter word: jobs. J-O-B-S, jobs."

(By the way, that little bit of amusement reminds me of this little roadside cafe somewhere in fairly rural Idaho where the menu offers you a "Choice of three vegetables: Carrots, peas, macaroni and cheese." And I remember reading that and thinking, "Morons. That's four.")

This is also the guy who, before Obama announced that he had chosen him to be his running mate, was asked by a reporter if he had anything to report on. Biden thinks for a second and then says, "A successful dump." Too much information, but still hilarious.

But we haven't heard anything out of Joe the Veep since the inauguration. Well, wait no longer! We can thank Al Gore for inventing the Internet for this one! (That darned Internet. All of those tubes and pipes, they just confuse the hell out of some folks.) First we had Vice President Biden directing 80 mayors (who had all gathered for some sort of powwow at the White House last Friday) to the wrong website when he gave out the wrong URL. Biden told them that it was when in fact it is Now, that's not so much funny as it is just a bit embarrassing. (Psst! Biden! It's dot-g-o-v. GOV. Like in government! That's how you can try to remember it in the future. GOV, like in government. Got that? Um, hello?)

But this is actually amusing. Below we have a short clip of Joe Biden appearing on the Early Show on CBS Wednesday morning. Biden is the one in charge of getting the stimulus money distributed and overseeing that it is spent in the most effective manner. The ways that all of that money is being spent is supposed to be put on a website that the public can access and see how all of our money is being wasted, I mean, used. So we can see where all of our money is being used. When asked for the name of the website, Joe had a bit of a problem. For some reason, he could not come up with Not only could he not come up with the name of it, he couldn't even come up with the term "website address" or even "URL". No, instead he asked someone if they knew the "website number". The conversation went something like this (the video clip follows):
RODRIGUEZ: By the way, do you know the website?
BIDEN: You know, I am embarrassed. You know the website number? You know, I should have it in front of me, and I don't. I'm actually embarrassed.
RODRIGUEZ: All right. I'm going call your office, too, and get it.
BIDEN: It is
RODRIGUEZ: Recovery -- is that up and running already?
BIDEN: That's up and running.

Look, the guy is only 66, but that is enough for me to give him a pass on the term "URL". But I can't give him or anyone else a pass on "website number". When was the last time that he dialed up the ol' Internet there I wonder? Hooks up that 1200 Baud coupler modem does he? Let's that thing just dial away? Even just "What's the name of the website?" would have been better than "website number" Was he up all night with Al Gore inventing the Internet and so he was a little tired? Come on!

Is he the one in charge of getting all of the info uploaded to the website number? Because if he is, I'm a little worried. Actually, I'm already a little worried about this whole deal, I don't need a website number fiasco making me more worried. (Oh, and if you're headed over to that website number to see where all of your money has gone, don't bother. It has lovely charts (not pie, nor graph, but rather, bubble! Hey, it's change you can believe in! Or something.) but the charts don't tell you anything because the money hasn't been "spent" yet. You'd think they could have up there who is getting what, but as of today, they don't.

At least when McCain made his ridiculous statements, I was OK with some of them because at the time that he said them, a) he was old and b) he was harmless. Joe Biden isn't really either one of those, as I don't consider 66 to be "old". And when Dick Cheney was Vice President, he shot his best friend in the face, so I'm not so much feeling the "harmless" either. Could someone over there at Camp Obama please show Joe how to turn on the Internet and check the website number of the stimulus package, please? Your country awaits.

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