Bad Website Design 101

Today's topic is introduction to bad website design. I'll be your host. What you are about to witness is real. Frighteningly real. I don't know who ever thought that any of these websites were good ideas, but someone must have because they're out there and they currently exist today. Granted, I realize that people got all gung-ho with things that you could do to websites when the Internet first started becoming accessible to folks who really probably shouldn't have ever had access in the first place. But even still, wouldn't you know from looking at some of these that they are just not a good idea.

Let's start with Bobdul Johnson, Attorney at Law. (You're going to have to click and then come back. Sorry about that.) You're really missing out if you don't at least skim through his FAQs. It probably doesn't bode well for this guy that when you click on the link that says "List of cases won/settled out of court" that the link is broken. Not surprising or anything like that. Mostly just amusing.


Now we're going to take a look at what appears to be the personal website of a chap named Govind Tiwari. Mr. Tiwari seems to really enjoy Photoshopping his image into and onto just about everything. He also is a very proficient blinker. The most pressing question that I have is why his cell phone number only works on Sundays. I'm contemplating calling on Sunday and asking him.



Here we have a website by a one Michael Blount. His site was created during the dawn of the Internet. Michael obviously realized that the Internet had a huge potential when it came to meeting chicks and forming relationships with them, so his eleven year old self set up a page where his "future girlfriend" could hear what he sounded like and see what he looked like and then she could send him a message and their lives of bliss together could begin. (Yeah, that never happened. And not because his site wasn't a success, but because Mike turned out to be gay.) You'll want to have your speakers on so you can hear his soft, creepy little voice.


Yvette wanted to sell bridal dresses. I guess she must have gone insane in the process because her website, Yvette's Bridal Formal is, well, insane. Oh, and if you still have your speakers turned up from the last one, you might want to turn them down just a bit, lest you be bombarded with the ragtime piano music that constantly plays in the background of this disaster.Over here, we have Mahir. Mahir seems to want to meet a woman. I guess that's why he opened with "I KISS YOU!!!!! It's kind of forward. Maybe he might want to consider toning it down just a bit. Or removing the website altogether. Whichever.



And finally, we have this weird Peter Pan guy. And as weird as that is, somehow, the guy manages to make some money off of it. I guess he sells his "music" and various other items like mouse pads and what not. The whole thing frightens me, really. And it's weird. But really, to each their own, right? Right. But could they at least do "their own" with better web design? Please?

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The Ruler We Fear

I hope that the site that I'm going to be referencing hasn't been fixed by the time that this posts. Apparently, a woman named Jane Corwin is running for Congress. Judging from the current appearance of her website, I'd say that she needs to hire better IT staff. If it hasn't been fixed, I'm sure that you'll find it as hilarious as I do. If it has been fixed, I only wish that the power supply on my main computer hadn't blown up and that I wasn't on a different computer. If I had my regular computer, I'd cut and paste and do all sorts of little Photoshop things here. You know, like I tend to do. But for now, I'm just going to have to part with words of wisdom: Get your domain names locked down. Especially if you're running for Congress. Especially if you're running for Congress.

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Guess Their Age

I discovered a new website. (OK, fine. I read about it over yonder at Lemondrop.) And I'm not quite sure why it's so interesting, but it seems to be. The site is Guess My Age and it is exactly what it sounds like it is. You're shown a picture of an individual and your job is to type in how old you think said individual is. Now, unless you've made a living as one of those traveling carnivals guys who does this sort of thing for a very odd living, you might find that it's harder that it sounds like it would be. I have yet to guess someone's age absolutely correctly. I can usually keep it within about ten years either direction, but I'm sure that's not overly comforting to those whom I am guessing are 40 when they're really 30. Yeah. Awkward.

Unless you're preparing for a career as a 7-11 cashier where you'll need to card people for alcohol and cigarette purchases, I really don't see anything useful coming out of this site, other than pure entertainment and efficient time wasting. (Combine the two and you've got yourself one heck of a day at work!) You can load your own photo on there and then check back to see how old people thought that you were. If you're the sort of person who is just fine with uploading photos of yourself to the all of the Internets and being perfectly comfortable with whatever age people guess for you (even if it's older than you really are by quite a few years!), then by all means, upload your photo. If you're the sort of person who is going to upload his or her (but most likely her in this scenario) and think that you're going to learn that everyone thinks that you look at least five to seven years younger than you really are, think again. That's not going to happen. All of the Internets are mean. If you go into something like this looking for an ego boost, you're going to make sure that you have an ample amount of rope with which to use to hang yourself after your little experiment is complete.

Let's take a look at some of the folks that I ran across whilst killing some time today, shall we?

I saw this chick and guessed 26. Her shirt (from what we can see of it) appears to be modest and that alone will rule out that she's still in her teens. She just doesn't appear to be over thirty (no reason for that assumption) and so I went a little higher up from the middle of the road.

This woman's age wasn't overly hard to determine for me. The haircut and the large print, somewhat frockish shirt put her in the over 40 category in my mind. I went with 41. See, now it's people like this chick whose age is difficult to ascertain. I think part of that is because she's probably a lot younger than I would be comfortable with her being and still looking/acting like that. I guessed 17.

Here's one that seemingly gives us a little bit of help. The spiky-haired chap below is drinking a beer. That immediately sets our low cut-off at 21. It's the spiky hair that is going to be a tough one to noodle through, however. Guys don't roll with the times as easily as women do (or want to). The thumbs up sign isn't a good sign and it doesn't seem like it's his first beer ever (due to the dorky grin that he thinks makes him look cool, even though it doesn't) and there is a leather jacket (though possibly pleather), so I'm going with 26.

This chick was fairly easy. That emo hairstyle that she has going on narrows it down to under eighteen. I went with the turbulent adolescent year of 15.

I'm surprised that this guy actually put his photo on there. The leathery skin and the confused look led me to guess 53. I also guessed that he's a two-and-a-half pack a day smoker who drinks Jack Daniels at 10am on weekdays. Sadly, that information is not available at Guess My Age.

I'm also surprised that this guy posted his photo on there as well, as he's awfully goofy looking. And that striped tank top isn't helping matters. I went with 32.

I'm going to wrap this little experiment up with this woman. I guessed 41. There were a variety of factors that led me to that very, very, very wrong conclusion. The hair. The white board with probably some sort of "To Do" list scrawled on it. The frumpy turtleneck. The phone with the cord in the wall. (At least, I'm hoping that it's connected to the wall and that it's not connecting the handset to the phone. It's sort of hard to tell.) This woman would not be happy with my guess.

So, have you been keeping track of your guesses? Let's take it from the top.

• Number One is 27. My guess was 26. A difference of -1. So far, so good. Nothing offensive there. Yet.
  
  
• Number Two is 43. My guess was 41. A difference of -2. Not too shabby.
  
  
• Number Three is 18. My guess was 17. A difference of -1. I'm not doing too badly at this point. Sadly, that will change.
  
  
• Thumbs Up Dude is 18. I guessed 26 because he was deceiving me with that beer in his hand. That's a difference of +8. If you're old enough to drink beer, you're too old to be doing the thumbs up sign because you're drinking beer. Got it?
  
  
• Number Emo Five is 16. I went with the Emo Rule and guessed 15 for a difference of -1. Hey, if you want to look older, drop the emo look. I'm just sayin'.

• Jack Daniels is 56. I was being generous in guessing 53. -3 for me with Jack. Now can we guess how long he's been on parole?
  
  
• Striped Shirt Nerd is, in fact, 32! Finally! Only took me seven tries before I guessed one correct!
  

But all of that doesn't matter. That's because on the last photo, I guessed 41 when in reality, that poor woman is 28. Ooohh! +13! Yeah, whoops. Oh, come on! Like you got that one right! I don't think so! While I can't ascertain whether or not the 18 year old would have been complimented that I thought that she was 26, I'm relatively certain that this 28 year old would eat me for lunch (possibly literally from the looks of it) if she knew I thought she was 41.

I don't know why this site draws one in so easily. Nor will I pretend to know why I spent about half an hour guessing people's ages. It's not like there's a prize or anything. But whatever it is, it does help pass the time.

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What's That Number Again, Joe?

And I was worried that there wouldn't be enough material to make fun of when Grandpa Old Man Senator John McCain lost the Presidential election and wouldn't be in the public eye every day. He was a near endless source of amusement, especially toward the end of the campaign when you could tell he really needed a nap. In his state of elderly exhaustion, things just came flying out of his mouth that would have been sheer genius if they were intended to be funny and to mock the old. But they weren't, so instead he was the one being mocked.

But those days are over and new ones are upon us! And I knew that this guy would eventually poke his head out of his shell and give us a glimpse of what we're in for. I just wasn't sure how long it would take before he would do the head poking. Turns out, it was just a little over a month. Meet my new source for go-to political entertainment, Vice President Joe Biden!

VP Biden is one of those guys that, once you get to know him you realize that he is a really smart man and really does know what he's doing. But the other thing you realize when you get to know the guy is that he might know what he's doing, but he doesn't always seem to know what he's saying. Or if he does know what he's saying, he certainly doesn't do a very good job of letting other people know that he knows what he's talking about. Other times, he's crystal clear though. Some times, too clear.

Take for example, back when he was trying to campaign for the Presidential nomination. (This guy has tried to run for President at least twice, maybe three times. And no one wanted him for President, but they were just fine with him being Vice President. Go figure. I guess having President Barry leading the charge works well no matter who you are.) During the Democratic primary he told a crowd that Rudy Giuliani always mentions three things in every sentence - ``a noun, a verb, and 9/11''. That's funny stuff. Funnier because it's true, but still funny.

Then there was the campaign in 2008. That's when Joe made it clear that he might understand the importance of getting people in this country employed, and at the same time made it appear as if his counting skills need a bit of work when he told a crowd, "Look, John's last-minute economic plan does nothing to tackle the number-one job facing the middle class, and it happens to be, as Barack says, a three-letter word: jobs. J-O-B-S, jobs."

(By the way, that little bit of amusement reminds me of this little roadside cafe somewhere in fairly rural Idaho where the menu offers you a "Choice of three vegetables: Carrots, peas, macaroni and cheese." And I remember reading that and thinking, "Morons. That's four.")

This is also the guy who, before Obama announced that he had chosen him to be his running mate, was asked by a reporter if he had anything to report on. Biden thinks for a second and then says, "A successful dump." Too much information, but still hilarious.

But we haven't heard anything out of Joe the Veep since the inauguration. Well, wait no longer! We can thank Al Gore for inventing the Internet for this one! (That darned Internet. All of those tubes and pipes, they just confuse the hell out of some folks.) First we had Vice President Biden directing 80 mayors (who had all gathered for some sort of powwow at the White House last Friday) to the wrong website when he gave out the wrong URL. Biden told them that it was recovery.com when in fact it is recovery.gov. Now, that's not so much funny as it is just a bit embarrassing. (Psst! Biden! It's dot-g-o-v. GOV. Like in government! That's how you can try to remember it in the future. GOV, like in government. Got that? Um, hello?)

But this is actually amusing. Below we have a short clip of Joe Biden appearing on the Early Show on CBS Wednesday morning. Biden is the one in charge of getting the stimulus money distributed and overseeing that it is spent in the most effective manner. The ways that all of that money is being spent is supposed to be put on a website that the public can access and see how all of our money is being wasted, I mean, used. So we can see where all of our money is being used. When asked for the name of the website, Joe had a bit of a problem. For some reason, he could not come up with recovery.gov. Not only could he not come up with the name of it, he couldn't even come up with the term "website address" or even "URL". No, instead he asked someone if they knew the "website number". The conversation went something like this (the video clip follows):

RODRIGUEZ: By the way, do you know the website?
BIDEN: You know, I am embarrassed. You know the website number? You know, I should have it in front of me, and I don't. I'm actually embarrassed.
RODRIGUEZ: All right. I'm going call your office, too, and get it.
BIDEN: It is recovery.gov. Recovery.gov.
RODRIGUEZ: Recovery -- is that up and running already?
BIDEN: That's up and running.

Look, the guy is only 66, but that is enough for me to give him a pass on the term "URL". But I can't give him or anyone else a pass on "website number". When was the last time that he dialed up the ol' Internet there I wonder? Hooks up that 1200 Baud coupler modem does he? Let's that thing just dial away? Even just "What's the name of the website?" would have been better than "website number" Was he up all night with Al Gore inventing the Internet and so he was a little tired? Come on!

Is he the one in charge of getting all of the info uploaded to the website number? Because if he is, I'm a little worried. Actually, I'm already a little worried about this whole deal, I don't need a website number fiasco making me more worried. (Oh, and if you're headed over to that website number to see where all of your money has gone, don't bother. It has lovely charts (not pie, nor graph, but rather, bubble! Hey, it's change you can believe in! Or something.) but the charts don't tell you anything because the money hasn't been "spent" yet. You'd think they could have up there who is getting what, but as of today, they don't.

At least when McCain made his ridiculous statements, I was OK with some of them because at the time that he said them, a) he was old and b) he was harmless. Joe Biden isn't really either one of those, as I don't consider 66 to be "old". And when Dick Cheney was Vice President, he shot his best friend in the face, so I'm not so much feeling the "harmless" either. Could someone over there at Camp Obama please show Joe how to turn on the Internet and check the website number of the stimulus package, please? Your country awaits.

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JTP.com

There were several things I was looking forward to when the election was over. The most obvious one was that the election would be over. Can we all come to some sort of an agreement that the next time we need to elect a President, that we not start over two years beforehand? I mean, that's a bit much, don't you think? (Of course you do! You were here. You managed to make it through the most insufferable of the insufferable. How can you not want a shorter campaign window? Sorry, Hillary.) But some of the things that I was really looking forward to have NOT happened and, quite frankly, I'm rather disappointed. I thought we had a deal. I don't know with who, but I'm pretty sure I remember some sort of a deal. (Oh, wait. That was change. Someone said that they distinctly remember being promised 'change'.) Why am I still being subjected to Joe the Plumber and Sarah 'Bible Spice' Palin?!

I have seen more of Sarah Palin since the election was decided than I have the entire time that she was campaigning. Why is it that people feel the need to speak out now about things that came up during their campaign? Wouldn't speaking out during their campaign have been a bit more timely, not to mention sensible?

She was on CNN with Greta van Susteren (who is always in soft focus. Why is that? The other people are in hard focus, but Greta gets a bit of the fuzzy treatment. A little too much on the face tightening there, perhaps? Who knows? But it's weird.). She talked about Clothes-Gate and how she did not personally go out and purchase $150,000 worth of clothing after she was chosen to be Grandpa Spice's running mate. And I believe her. Why didn't she say so during the campaign? It got way out of hand. Could she not have squashed that then so that it could be over now? I don't get it.

Now, for some odd reason, there's talk of her running for President in 2012? There is? Why? She lost, right? OK, just checking. She's hot and all (though I've seen some who are hotter. Heck, I know people who are hotter.) and I know I'm not supposed to say that, but if I say that she's hot and then follow it up with "but that doesn't mean she's qualified or able to lead", does that help? I thought so.

And I keep reading and seeing on TV that she spoke at the Republican Governor's Association meeting in Miami this week. It's being made out to be this huge deal. Do you know how many Republican governors made it to this wingding? Thirteen. Thirteen! That's it?! Oh, but it gets better. She gave her first press conference while she was there as well! It must have been rough on her. She was probably all winded after speaking to the whole baker's dozen of governors there. But she gave her first press conference and there were (wait for it) over one hundred reporters there! Thirteen governors, one former Miss Wasilla, and one hundred reporters. Good Lord, media folks. Get over yourselves and go find some real news to cover.

But then there is the most overrated, non-issue monger of the campaign, Joe the Plumber. Why am I still hearing about him? The man asks Barry one question and the next thing you know he's a groupie on the John McCain tour bus! Then he hired a publicity firm and there's been talk of him running for Congress! What the hell, people?! Oh, but wait, there's more! What is the mandatory action that all new found and unwanted celebrities or public figures must accomplish within 6-8 months of their unwarranted fame? Before you answer that, you should know that there are two correct answers and both of them count because both of them are happening. Anyone? Anyone? You! In the back! If you said 'land a book deal' and 'launch a website', you win! I mean, we lose! I mean, wait. Do we care? I don't think we do. Let's find out.

Yes, JTP (Joe the Plumber) has a book deal. Again, the man asked one question. Is this going to be a picture book? Are we sure it's a book and not a flyer or a pamphlet?

JTP's website is called Secure our Dream. It probably should have been named 'Secure the Cash Before People Forget Who I Am'. The home page has 'A Message From Joe' which I would be surprised if JTP actually wrote himself. I just can't see him using a word such as "hearkens". But then again, maybe he did write it himself. Part of his 'message' starts out with "For those of you just visiting this website..." As opposed to what exactly? Those of us moving in?

Oh, good Lord. I began mocking this before I had finished reading everything. Do you want to know 'About the Mission"? Well, I did! So I clicked. I was greeted with this: The other day, I was contacted by 72-year old man who pleaded with me to share his story with the media and politicians. He and his wife lost all of their savings in the stock market recently. They worked all their lives for this country and now they have nothing. Why? Because of corruption in Washington. That man asked me, “What do I do now Joe?" Wait. What?

First of all, if this alleged 72-year old is asking Joe the Freaking Plumber about what he should do now, then that is probably one indication of how he lost all of his money in the stock market in the first place. (Not the brightest bulb on the tree, if you know what I'm saying.) But corruption in Washington is why the stock market tanked? It is? There has always been corruption in Washington. There has been a lot more lately, but that's not the point. How is the corruption in Washington tied to the stock market? What about that whole housing market thing? You know, where the banks made all of the loans that they knew that they were never going to be paid back for and then people stopped buying houses and paying for them and the whole market went in the crapper? Was that not a big deal? Oh, not as big as the 'corruption in Washington', of course, but kind of big?

I guess not because as I continued reading "About the Mission" I read "So, here’s my promise to Robert and the other Joes and Janes out there who have been failed by their politicians. I have formed this organization to bring together individuals who want to help others, while at the same time ensuring our government keeps answering our tough questions." Wait. What? The politicians failed this guy...how? Oh, right! The corruption. Got it. I'm a little slow. Perhaps there's more for me to read and learn about! Oh, good! There is!

"With your help, we can stop the government and banks from taking peoples' homes away. We can stop our elected officials from selling our children into debt with our enemies. We can help each other far better and faster than the government has ever been able to." Make it stop. Make it stop now, please. This is the first I've heard about the government and the banks just arbitrarily taking away peoples' homes for, apparently, no reason whatsoever! It's not like they fell behind on their payments because they bought a house they couldn't afford or anything like that. It's not like all of those sub-prime mortgages were given out to people who don't understand the concept of a 30-year mortgage and how adjustable interest rates work. No, none of those things happened. It was the corruption in Washington.

I have no idea what the part about the "elected officials selling our children" means. There are child sellers in Washington?! I had NO idea! Sounds bad. But by far my favorite part is at the bottom of "About the Mission". "If you are an individual, business or organization that is interested in joining or donating to our soon to be established non-profit organization SecureOurDream.org, please click Joe's Friends to email us and we will contact you soon." Well, they covered just about everyone who they wanted to know were eligible. What's wrong with 'If you are interested'? Are they trying to make it clear that they exclude animals? But seriously, "soon to be established" just kills me. If you want to give us money for something that we haven't got all together yet and can't tell you what we'll be doing with your money, please, call now! Operators are standing by! WTF, JTP? WTF?

The "Joe the Forum", "Joe the Media" and "Joe the Blogger" links are all under construction and we are told 'thank you for your patience'. Uh-huh. The one section that does have content is the "Shop Joe" link where you can pre-order his pamphlet flyer book AND get a year's membership to his website along with a one year subscription to the "Joe the Blogger" newsletter (Newsletter? Why is it "Joe the Blogger" and not "Joe the Newsletter Writer"?) AND free shipping on all "Shop Joe" merchandise! All for the low, low price of only $14.95! (Paperback book slated for release December 1, 2008. Mark your calendars now!) And that $14.95 is quite the bargain because as a member of the JTP Super Special Club, you will be charged an annual membership fee of $19.95! Yeah, but is he going to fix my leaky pipes or what for that price?

The site claims to have already had "tens of thousands" of individuals who have "...expressed your desire to join this movement." Really? WHOIS data shows that the domain name was registered on Oct. 23, 2008. Today is Nov. 14. So, 22 days? "Tens of thousands?" According to the folks over there at Alexa, the average percentage of global Internet users who spent time that they will never get back on the Secure Our Dream website was 0.000148%. The average number of daily global Internet users that I could track down was about 250,000,000. Don't get up, I'll do the math. That amounts to around 37,000. And while that is "tens of thousands", there's a reason they went with "tens of thousands" instead of just saying 37,000. They should have gone with "a lot". I wouldn't have checked up on "a lot". But I'm still glad I did because it helped alleviate any fears that I might have had about this guy actually getting elected to Congress.

The election is OVER! John McCain understands that! I haven't heard a peep out of the guy (not including when he was on Leno earlier in the week. And he was funny, so I'll cut him some slack on that one.). How come these other two won't go away? It's over. Go home. Shoo!

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Chew on This

So, in the previous post, I included a picture of the bat-signal in a story that, basically, revolved around a man with a Snake Light projecting a silhouette of his manhood onto the sides of buildings. Now, I had wanted to alter the bat-signal and make it a penis-signal. (This information is somewhat relevant to how I found the subject of this post. Just stay with me.) So I was searching Google for keywords like "penis, outline, drawing" and other similar terms. One result looked more promising than others, so I clicked. That is how I entered the world of China Trader Online. Join me, won't you?

See, when I think of "penis" (and I try not to), I don't usually think of "chew toy". But, then again, I'm not Chinese. Or, at least, I'm not the Chinese that are running China Trader Online. They seem to think that a penis (at left) would make a lovely chew toy for your dog to gnaw on. That's right. Toss the ol' Polyurethane Penis to the pooch and watch him play, play, play. I don't get it. I don't even have a penis, but watching an animal chew on one would make me uncomfortable and would definitely cause me to cross my legs. But they don't stop there!

They also inexplicably figured that it would also be a good idea to have a variety of body parts from which to select a toy for your pet to sink it's teeth into, as if it had just killed it's prey and was enjoying the feast. You can have your choice of polyurethane kidneys, livers, eyeballs, brains, breasts (OK, I do have those and the thought of Fido gnawing on one of those absolutely makes me cringe. And cross my arms. And legs, just for good measure.), hearts, stomachs or tongues. Mix and match! Just like the real human body! Collect all of your 2,000 parts!

Who thinks this is normal? It's not. I mean, look at the penis with the face on it. (There's a sentence I never thought I'd write.) Even he looks embarrassed by the fact that he's a chew toy. But you know that if they had this sort of stuff over there at China Trader Online, they were bound to have other weirdness stocked high and deep on their virtual shelves. Oh, and did they ever. And it wasn't just the items that I found amusing. The descriptions were equally as humorous.

Take this festive and decorative skull.

The description reads: "Skeleton Shape Candle Lamps with 7 Colors LED on Bottom. On/Off LED Light Once Light up/Crush out Candle Suitable as Wedding or Party etc." I know I speak AND understand English, but I had a bit of a trouble with that one. "Crush out candle"? And I'm also very interested in the kinds of weddings that they have in China where the LED light up skull lamp makes an appearance.

Next we have the Household Air Purifier. What does it do, you ask? Oh, it does plenty. (The one thing it doesn't do is spell. All spelling errors are courtesy of China Trader Online and their misspelled descriptions.) For example:

• Produce the "Air Vitamin"-O-2 (So...oxygen?)


• Refresh ..Dispel the fatigue (Fatigue be gone!)


• Sober brain , improve working efficiency (Because a drunk brain is inefficient at work.)
  
  
• Strengthen the metabolism, improve the immune function

• Except the bad smell, cigarette, nicotine. dust removal. (Except for what?)
  
  
• Except that mould, defends mould in the room (Again, except for what? Why is it defending the mold? Shouldn't it be defeating the mold?)
  
  
• Disinfect, disinfect, prevent disease (So good it disinfects TWICE!)
  
  
• Dispel the household appliances screen and emerges (It's getting rid of my household appliances? I didn't realize it was a magic air purifier. And it's emerging as what afterwards?)
  
  
• Dispel the coal gas, oxidize toxicity (Coal gas? Do I live inside of a mountain?)


• Fragrant, fresh air floats (Coming soon in new Root Beer Float fragrance!)


• Large screen display calendar, times, temperatures and Automatic to give the correct time
  

Wow. And all of that from something that looks strikingly similar to a clock-radio. Huh. But that's just the product description. There are features, too!

• The unique one realizes Automatic control and change the function to the taking place amount of ozone Automatically, Let the user really feel at ease. This obtains the national practical new-type patent rights. (I can automatically change the ozone? Global warming problem solved!)
  
  
• The unique one has Large screen display calendar, times, temperatures and Automatic to give the correct time.
  
  
• Five defeated oxygen and ion discharge needles uniquly. (I don't want anything that is going to be discharging needles at me and defeating the oxygen.)
  
  
• It is difficult to be shattered, leave the mar on the surface to introduce the elasticity of importing and paint to deal with the surface. (What in the hell does this mean?)


• Unique a pair of switches, a pair of indicator lamps. (Um, no, unique a new dictionary.)
  
  
• The fan has the special switch, meet the demands of different customers (Not just any special switch, the special switch.)

You're catching on, right? That's it's all just a bunch of crap? Correct. And there's tons of it over there at China Trader Online. Tons of completely useless crap that we really don't need any more of on this planet. I mean, we have enough stuff in the landfills already without having to add things like this:

The "After Sex Towel". According to it's description: "This is a great Novelty Item that anybody would love as a Gift. Convenient Easy to use, After Sex Towels. Fun Gift!" Convenient and easy to use? As opposed to the extremely rare and complicated towels most people reach for after sex? And I highly doubt anybody really would love that as a gift. (I do find it a bit ironic that the "After Sex Towel" is for a XXL.) But really, what exactly is it that I am doing during sex that afterwards requires me to towel off with a double XL towel? Don't get me wrong, I'm not necessarily opposed to whatever it may be. I'm just asking because from what I can remember, I don't recall towelling off after sex. I definitely don't recall yearning for a specific towel TO use after sex, I do remember that.

These are called "FM Torch Radios". I don't know if that's because they are supposed to look like a torch (the Olympics ARE in just a few weeks) or if they actually spew fire. And it's unclear from the description what in the hell is going on over there in China because it reads: "FM torch radio for ice-cream promotional gifts."

Ice cream? And torches? One of those things is not like the other, but I have no idea which one. What the hell do ice cream and torches have to do with each other?

Oh, but the torch-y ice cream gifts will seem trivial after reading about this baby here. Here is the "game" "Shocking Reaction."

It almost looks harmless enough, with the exception of the radioactive fuchsia colored glow emitting from the bottom of it and also with the exception of the electricity going through that one hand in the upper right. That doesn't look good. Or fun, really. And the "game" doesn't seem to require a lot more than two fingers, so what gives?

According to the description of the "game", It's "fun if you dear!" (I can only assume they meant "dare".) And I'm going to leave all of the spelling just the way they had it over there at China Trader Online. They have a different version of "fun" than I do.

3 funny games for one to four player in 1 product.

Game 1:Shocking Roulette In this game the one who's off his luck will get an electric shock! to play shock roulette, you don't need skill or knowledg. you don't need dexterity or athletic ability of any kind.all you need is steely COURAGE and dumb LUCK.

Wow. Not exactly the strongest selling point I can think of for a game that would seem to be the equivalent of having you and your friends all sticking your fingers in different wall outlets and waiting around to see "who's off his luck" when some unknowing individual walks in and flips on a light switch. I do like how they included the word "dumb" up there. Subtle.

Game 2:Lightning reaction This game mode is for challenging the agility in reaction and coordination between hands and eyes of the players. In this game, victory or defeat is to be decided by each player's own ability. Adroit players can enjoy seeing the loser suffering the instantaneous pain caused by electric shock.

Again, I'm not sure that "players can enjoy seeing the loser suffering the instantaneous pain caused by electric shock" is really the best PR line they could have come up with. Instantaneous pain...now for the whole family to enjoy!

Game 3:shocking reaction Are you ready for the ultimate test of your reactions, and your nerve? be ready, or face a real shock.....This game mode is for challenging the agility in reaction and coordination between hands and eyes of the players too.but more exciting! victory or defeat is to be decided in ONE SECOND!

Now they've involved the eyes. Great. Blinded by electricity. On purpose. For fun! In only ONE SECOND! Who thought this was a good idea? A fun, good idea? You can click on the full manual below to see a bigger pic of it.

The oddly novel thing about China Trader Online is that the prices for all of their crap are "Negotiable". That's right, no listed price for anything. Just you, speaking English and haggling with someone who speaks Chinese. That should be productive. And fun. Let me know how that turns out for you.

It's all crap. Just tons and tons of crap. And while all eight of you who read this blog know that I am not some sort of "green" advocate who's always running around harping about saving the planet. I'm just tired of seeing so much stuff that is completely useless get produced solely for the purpose of maybe making a profit. And the profit just doesn't seem worth it when the exchange is a landfill or an ocean full of polyurethane penises. Or is it penii?

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