Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Chew on This

So, in the previous post, I included a picture of the bat-signal in a story that, basically, revolved around a man with a Snake Light projecting a silhouette of his manhood onto the sides of buildings. Now, I had wanted to alter the bat-signal and make it a penis-signal. (This information is somewhat relevant to how I found the subject of this post. Just stay with me.) So I was searching Google for keywords like "penis, outline, drawing" and other similar terms. One result looked more promising than others, so I clicked. That is how I entered the world of China Trader Online. Join me, won't you?

See, when I think of "penis" (and I try not to), I don't usually think of "chew toy". But, then again, I'm not Chinese. Or, at least, I'm not the Chinese that are running China Trader Online. They seem to think that a penis (at left) would make a lovely chew toy for your dog to gnaw on. That's right. Toss the ol' Polyurethane Penis to the pooch and watch him play, play, play. I don't get it. I don't even have a penis, but watching an animal chew on one would make me uncomfortable and would definitely cause me to cross my legs. But they don't stop there!

They also inexplicably figured that it would also be a good idea to have a variety of body parts from which to select a toy for your pet to sink it's teeth into, as if it had just killed it's prey and was enjoying the feast. You can have your choice of polyurethane kidneys, livers, eyeballs, brains, breasts (OK, I do have those and the thought of Fido gnawing on one of those absolutely makes me cringe. And cross my arms. And legs, just for good measure.), hearts, stomachs or tongues. Mix and match! Just like the real human body! Collect all of your 2,000 parts!

Who thinks this is normal? It's not. I mean, look at the penis with the face on it. (There's a sentence I never thought I'd write.) Even he looks embarrassed by the fact that he's a chew toy. But you know that if they had this sort of stuff over there at China Trader Online, they were bound to have other weirdness stocked high and deep on their virtual shelves. Oh, and did they ever. And it wasn't just the items that I found amusing. The descriptions were equally as humorous.

Take this festive and decorative skull.

The description reads: "Skeleton Shape Candle Lamps with 7 Colors LED on Bottom. On/Off LED Light Once Light up/Crush out Candle Suitable as Wedding or Party etc." I know I speak AND understand English, but I had a bit of a trouble with that one. "Crush out candle"? And I'm also very interested in the kinds of weddings that they have in China where the LED light up skull lamp makes an appearance.

Next we have the Household Air Purifier. What does it do, you ask? Oh, it does plenty. (The one thing it doesn't do is spell. All spelling errors are courtesy of China Trader Online and their misspelled descriptions.) For example:

  • Produce the "Air Vitamin"-O-2 (So...oxygen?)

  • Refresh ..Dispel the fatigue (Fatigue be gone!)

  • Sober brain , improve working efficiency (Because a drunk brain is inefficient at work.)

  • Strengthen the metabolism, improve the immune function
  • Except the bad smell, cigarette, nicotine. dust removal. (Except for what?)

  • Except that mould, defends mould in the room (Again, except for what? Why is it defending the mold? Shouldn't it be defeating the mold?)

  • Disinfect, disinfect, prevent disease (So good it disinfects TWICE!)

  • Dispel the household appliances screen and emerges (It's getting rid of my household appliances? I didn't realize it was a magic air purifier. And it's emerging as what afterwards?)

  • Dispel the coal gas, oxidize toxicity (Coal gas? Do I live inside of a mountain?)

  • Fragrant, fresh air floats (Coming soon in new Root Beer Float fragrance!)

  • Large screen display calendar, times, temperatures and Automatic to give the correct time

Wow. And all of that from something that looks strikingly similar to a clock-radio. Huh. But that's just the product description. There are features, too!

  • The unique one realizes Automatic control and change the function to the taking place amount of ozone Automatically, Let the user really feel at ease. This obtains the national practical new-type patent rights. (I can automatically change the ozone? Global warming problem solved!)

  • The unique one has Large screen display calendar, times, temperatures and Automatic to give the correct time.

  • Five defeated oxygen and ion discharge needles uniquly. (I don't want anything that is going to be discharging needles at me and defeating the oxygen.)

  • It is difficult to be shattered, leave the mar on the surface to introduce the elasticity of importing and paint to deal with the surface. (What in the hell does this mean?)

  • Unique a pair of switches, a pair of indicator lamps. (Um, no, unique a new dictionary.)

  • The fan has the special switch, meet the demands of different customers (Not just any special switch, the special switch.)

You're catching on, right? That's it's all just a bunch of crap? Correct. And there's tons of it over there at China Trader Online. Tons of completely useless crap that we really don't need any more of on this planet. I mean, we have enough stuff in the landfills already without having to add things like this:

The "After Sex Towel". According to it's description: "This is a great Novelty Item that anybody would love as a Gift. Convenient Easy to use, After Sex Towels. Fun Gift!" Convenient and easy to use? As opposed to the extremely rare and complicated towels most people reach for after sex? And I highly doubt anybody really would love that as a gift. (I do find it a bit ironic that the "After Sex Towel" is for a XXL.) But really, what exactly is it that I am doing during sex that afterwards requires me to towel off with a double XL towel? Don't get me wrong, I'm not necessarily opposed to whatever it may be. I'm just asking because from what I can remember, I don't recall towelling off after sex. I definitely don't recall yearning for a specific towel TO use after sex, I do remember that.

These are called "FM Torch Radios". I don't know if that's because they are supposed to look like a torch (the Olympics ARE in just a few weeks) or if they actually spew fire. And it's unclear from the description what in the hell is going on over there in China because it reads: "FM torch radio for ice-cream promotional gifts."

Ice cream? And torches? One of those things is not like the other, but I have no idea which one. What the hell do ice cream and torches have to do with each other?

Oh, but the torch-y ice cream gifts will seem trivial after reading about this baby here. Here is the "game" "Shocking Reaction."

It almost looks harmless enough, with the exception of the radioactive fuchsia colored glow emitting from the bottom of it and also with the exception of the electricity going through that one hand in the upper right. That doesn't look good. Or fun, really. And the "game" doesn't seem to require a lot more than two fingers, so what gives?

According to the description of the "game", It's "fun if you dear!" (I can only assume they meant "dare".) And I'm going to leave all of the spelling just the way they had it over there at China Trader Online. They have a different version of "fun" than I do.

3 funny games for one to four player in 1 product.

Game 1:Shocking Roulette In this game the one who's off his luck will get an electric shock! to play shock roulette, you don't need skill or knowledg. you don't need dexterity or athletic ability of any kind.all you need is steely COURAGE and dumb LUCK.

Wow. Not exactly the strongest selling point I can think of for a game that would seem to be the equivalent of having you and your friends all sticking your fingers in different wall outlets and waiting around to see "who's off his luck" when some unknowing individual walks in and flips on a light switch. I do like how they included the word "dumb" up there. Subtle.

Game 2:Lightning reaction This game mode is for challenging the agility in reaction and coordination between hands and eyes of the players. In this game, victory or defeat is to be decided by each player's own ability. Adroit players can enjoy seeing the loser suffering the instantaneous pain caused by electric shock.

Again, I'm not sure that "players can enjoy seeing the loser suffering the instantaneous pain caused by electric shock" is really the best PR line they could have come up with. Instantaneous pain...now for the whole family to enjoy!

Game 3:shocking reaction Are you ready for the ultimate test of your reactions, and your nerve? be ready, or face a real shock.....This game mode is for challenging the agility in reaction and coordination between hands and eyes of the players too.but more exciting! victory or defeat is to be decided in ONE SECOND!

Now they've involved the eyes. Great. Blinded by electricity. On purpose. For fun! In only ONE SECOND! Who thought this was a good idea? A fun, good idea? You can click on the full manual below to see a bigger pic of it.

The oddly novel thing about China Trader Online is that the prices for all of their crap are "Negotiable". That's right, no listed price for anything. Just you, speaking English and haggling with someone who speaks Chinese. That should be productive. And fun. Let me know how that turns out for you.

It's all crap. Just tons and tons of crap. And while all eight of you who read this blog know that I am not some sort of "green" advocate who's always running around harping about saving the planet. I'm just tired of seeing so much stuff that is completely useless get produced solely for the purpose of maybe making a profit. And the profit just doesn't seem worth it when the exchange is a landfill or an ocean full of polyurethane penises. Or is it penii?

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