See, when I think of "penis" (and I try not to), I don't usually think of "chew toy". But, then again, I'm not Chinese. Or, at least, I'm not the Chinese that are running China Trader Online. They seem to think that a penis (at left) would make a lovely chew toy for your dog to gnaw on. That's right. Toss the ol' Polyurethane Penis to the pooch and watch him play, play, play. I don't get it. I don't even have a penis, but watching an animal chew on one would make me uncomfortable and would definitely cause me to cross my legs. But they don't stop there!
Take this festive and decorative skull.
The description reads: "Skeleton Shape Candle Lamps with 7 Colors LED on Bottom. On/Off LED Light Once Light up/Crush out Candle Suitable as Wedding or Party etc." I know I speak AND understand English, but I had a bit of a trouble with that one. "Crush out candle"? And I'm also very interested in the kinds of weddings that they have in China where the LED light up skull lamp makes an appearance.
- Produce the "Air Vitamin"-O-2 (So...oxygen?)
- Refresh ..Dispel the fatigue (Fatigue be gone!)
- Sober brain , improve working efficiency (Because a drunk brain is inefficient at work.)
- Strengthen the metabolism, improve the immune function
- Except the bad smell, cigarette, nicotine. dust removal. (Except for what?)
- Except that mould, defends mould in the room (Again, except for what? Why is it defending the mold? Shouldn't it be defeating the mold?)
- Disinfect, disinfect, prevent disease (So good it disinfects TWICE!)
- Dispel the household appliances screen and emerges (It's getting rid of my household appliances? I didn't realize it was a magic air purifier. And it's emerging as what afterwards?)
- Dispel the coal gas, oxidize toxicity (Coal gas? Do I live inside of a mountain?)
- Fragrant, fresh air floats (Coming soon in new Root Beer Float fragrance!)
- Large screen display calendar, times, temperatures and Automatic to give the correct time
Wow. And all of that from something that looks strikingly similar to a clock-radio. Huh. But that's just the product description. There are features, too!
- The unique one realizes Automatic control and change the function to the taking place amount of ozone Automatically, Let the user really feel at ease. This obtains the national practical new-type patent rights. (I can automatically change the ozone? Global warming problem solved!)
- The unique one has Large screen display calendar, times, temperatures and Automatic to give the correct time.
- Five defeated oxygen and ion discharge needles uniquly. (I don't want anything that is going to be discharging needles at me and defeating the oxygen.)
- It is difficult to be shattered, leave the mar on the surface to introduce the elasticity of importing and paint to deal with the surface. (What in the hell does this mean?)
- Unique a pair of switches, a pair of indicator lamps. (Um, no, unique a new dictionary.)
- The fan has the special switch, meet the demands of different customers (Not just any special switch, the special switch.)
You're catching on, right? That's it's all just a bunch of crap? Correct. And there's tons of it over there at China Trader Online. Tons of completely useless crap that we really don't need any more of on this planet. I mean, we have enough stuff in the landfills already without having to add things like this:
The "After Sex Towel". According to it's description: "This is a great Novelty Item that anybody would love as a Gift. Convenient Easy to use, After Sex Towels. Fun Gift!" Convenient and easy to use? As opposed to the extremely rare and complicated towels most people reach for after sex? And I highly doubt anybody really would love that as a gift. (I do find it a bit ironic that the "After Sex Towel" is for a XXL.) But really, what exactly is it that I am doing during sex that afterwards requires me to towel off with a double XL towel? Don't get me wrong, I'm not necessarily opposed to whatever it may be. I'm just asking because from what I can remember, I don't recall towelling off after sex. I definitely don't recall yearning for a specific towel TO use after sex, I do remember that.
These are called "FM Torch Radios". I don't know if that's because they are supposed to look like a torch (the Olympics ARE in just a few weeks) or if they actually spew fire. And it's unclear from the description what in the hell is going on over there in China because it reads: "FM torch radio for ice-cream promotional gifts."
Ice cream? And torches? One of those things is not like the other, but I have no idea which one. What the hell do ice cream and torches have to do with each other?
Oh, but the torch-y ice cream gifts will seem trivial after reading about this baby here. Here is the "game" "Shocking Reaction."
It almost looks harmless enough, with the exception of the radioactive fuchsia colored glow emitting from the bottom of it and also with the exception of the electricity going through that one hand in the upper right. That doesn't look good. Or fun, really. And the "game" doesn't seem to require a lot more than two fingers, so what gives?