- "They attack those hot dogs like Lindsay Lohan attacks a mini bar. It is completely reckless." (Lohan's too busy being a closeted lesbian these days to go after a mini bar, fellas. Try to keep up. May I suggest 'People' or 'Us' magazines?)
- "These guys are absolute magicians. Look, hybrid Yukon, Drillbit Taylor, bleach alternative. I don't have all the answers. But what I do know is Takeru Kobayashi and Joey Chestnut, they can eat." (Too many references to too many things that don't make sense. You're trying too hard guys. The hilarity must flow.)
- "There are certainties in sports. Tiger WILL win another Masters. Brady WILL win another Super Bowl. Lance Armstrong will, perhaps, start dating Jennifer Aniston. It's gotta be in the cards, right? And Kobayashi will win another mustard belt." (Note to self: Before rattling off the names of a bunch of sports guys who have won championships as the basis for your analogy, always make sure that they are STILL competing in the sport so you don't have to fall back on who they may or may not date at some point in the future.)
- "If you put all the hot dogs that Kobayashi and Joey Chestnut ate end to end it would be about the equivalent of the 1st and ten marker at an NFL game." (Hmm..so what's that? Oh, I know. TEN yards?! You can't just SAY 'TEN yards'? Morons.)
- "The passion is raw but the hot dogs are cooked." (OK, that one is actually pretty good.)
Thank God that some red blooded American was actually at Coney Island to witness this prime example of classic Americana take place and uploaded the video to that YouTube thing. It is because of that patriot that we are able to hear the great George Shea operate in an arena of pure emotion as he takes us through the competition, bit by bit.
A few of the highlights from George:
- "You can see the human struggle in every compression of the jaw. In every drop of saliva." (If you're wondering how much saliva was actually dropping, trust me. You don't want to know.)
- "It is the daughter of Cain versus the son of Abel." (In reference to the iconic Sonya Thomas, aka The Black Widow of competitive eating.)
- "This is Sosa-McGwire! This is Ali-Frazier! These two warriors! They are warriors! Spartans! Spar-Tans!" (Right. Just like Sosa-McGwire. Only not quite so 'roid-y.)
- "We are approaching the three minute mark. There will be 7 minutes! 7 seas! 7 shores! 7 heavens! 7 days! 7 minutes left in this contest!"
- "Kobayashi is an injured animal. But his skeleton is titanium!" (Huh?)
And my two personal favorite George Shea utterances from Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest at Coney Island, 2008:
- "And Joey Chestnut is at fifty hot dogs. One hot dog for every state in this nation. One hot dog for every way to leave your lover. One hot dog for every hot dog for every hot dog in fifty hot dogs!" (Well, I guess if you're ever thinking of things to compare a certain number of things to and you run out of comparisons, you can always fall back on the thing itself to compare itself to. It worked for George, it can work for you!)
- "Like a city under seige, I know not which way to turn! I am at a loss. I am like an island whose trees have been snapped by a hurricane and the trees now lie scattered like the broken letters of a long forgotten language. I know not which way to turn!" (Well, you can't argue with that. Mainly because you don't know what in the hell it means.)
Below is the video with the George Shea commentary. And while the video isn't much to watch, it's definitely worth listening to.