Sunday, July 20, 2008

You Might Be A Redneck If...

I'm pretty sure that, as far as weddings go, this wedding is about as redneck as you can get. All of the major redneck components are present and accounted for, as well as some of the minor ones (which serve as some really, really nice final touches!). Let's run down the list and see how many we can check off, shall we?

  • Wedding music? Hank Williams, Jr. Check!

  • Sound system? Stereo of an SUV. Check!

  • Cigarettes? Lots of smokes. Check!
  • Obesity? At least 75% of the attendees overweight. Check!

  • Nervous bride? She's smoking as she gets ready. Check!

  • Supportive bridesmaid? She's smoking too. Check!

  • Southern groom? His name is Bubba. Check!

  • Fun loving guests? Lots of T-shirts with witty sayings. Check!

  • Appropriately dressed guests? New shoes and all. Check!

  • Decorations? Lots of tattoos. Check!

  • Location? Parking lot of the Waffle House. Wait. What?

Now that is one hell of a list there. And if you have a list and someone else can check everything off of your list, well, that's a pretty good start right there. (At least, it's supposed to be.) Right up until that part about the Waffle House. That's when things start to get a little bit weird.

Down in Dacula, GA, right there at the GA Highway 316 and US Highway 129 interchange, there's a Waffle House diner. It's where Bubba Mathis and Pamela Christian both work and have worked together for the past three years. They've been together for the past nine years. For several years, the couple has tried to get married on July 4th (which is apparently the day that they met), but it seemed that she was always scheduled to work. (Hard to say why she didn't ask for time off in advance, given as how weddings usually require a little bit of planning.) But then she got the day off at the last minute, but then HE had to work. That's when they both decided that they would just get married after he got off work. And they'd do it AT work.

According to the fine folks down south at the Gwinnett Daily Post, "The result was what a NASCAR tailgate might be like if Hank Jr. himself stopped by with all his rowdy friends: Loud and proud - country music, storytelling and plenty of Dale Earnhardt paraphernalia - and not an iota of pretentiousness." Yes, I have no doubt that "pretentiousness" was noticeably absent from this affair.

The Waffle House Wedding was held under a shade tree out by the parking lot. With Hank Williams Jr. wafting from the sound system of an SUV as cigarette smoking guests looked on, the festivities began. As soon as vows were exchanged, it was back inside to cut the cake! That's right about when William Christopher, the father of the bride, started wondering if anyone had videotaped the ceremony. He wants to sent it in to CMT. (That's Country Music Television for those of you who aren't quite redneck enough to catch on to that.) Hey, I'm not the one who brought up the term "redneck". HE did. He said, "I think it's pretty redneck myself, but I'm a redneck anyway, so." So. So, indeed, sir.

In explaining why the Waffle House, Pamela said, "Waffle House is as much a part of our life as our kids are. (Ah, yes, the youngins. Little IHOP and Denny's, our pride and joy!) And we, together, we've been working at Waffle House together for almost three years now. So, when he had to work, we knew then that we were just going to have it here. We tried thinking about having it somewhere else but it didn't really work out. (It's unclear what didn't work out. The "having it somewhere else" part or the "tried thinking" part.) We didn't think it would be as good as having it at the Waffle House. (Because if you don't have waffles, you don't have squat.)"

Hey, you know, good for them, right? They seem happy. Committed. That seems like plenty, really. And if you can't like them for that, at least like them because they're a couple of people who have been together for nine years, who have a couple of kids and who live in the south and have actually had a JOB for the past three years. Hell, half of the people eating at Waffle House don't have jobs! So, hey, enjoy folks! Congratulations.

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