Friday, July 25, 2008

Friday's Foreign Press Files

Well, well, well. It is QUITE the day over yonder at the Metro.co.uk. Yep, quite the day. Where to begin, where to begin?

I suppose I could start in New Zealand, where a judge has banned two parents from continuing to have their child named "Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii." Yes, that was her GIVEN and REGISTERED name. (The poor girl told people that her name was "K" because she was so embarrassed and didn't want to be made fun of. And who wouldn't have done the same thing? Other than the two asshats who named her that. What in the hell are you people thinking?) The judge in the case ordered that the court take custody of the girl until her name could be formally changed, which they did and which it later was.
So, here are a few of the other names (chosen by different parents) that were also disallowed:
  • Fish and Chips (Mmmm...fish and chips)

  • Yeah Detroit (What? No "Woo-Hoo!" at the end of that?)

  • Stallion (Yes, the baby looked just like Sly Stallone. I'm sure of it.)

  • Twisty Poi (You can't twist poi, can you? It's like mashed potatoes. They don't twist.)

  • Keenan Got Lucy (I had a dog named Lucy, so I find this one particularly disturbing.)

  • Sex Fruit (Not that this will make this any better, but it was unclear to me if the last entry on this list was two separate names, ie 1. Keenan Got Lucy, 2. Sex Fruit, OR if it was, in fact, just one name, ie Keenan Got Lucy and Sex Fruit. I just don't know. I think I'd prefer that it's just one name, because if it were TWO names, then that's just one more set of crazy parents out there and we really don't need that, do we?)

Um, WTF, people? Oh, wait. I should have held that comment back until after I shared a few of the names that WERE allowed:

  • 16 Bus Shelter (Clearly, where the child was conceived. I can picture it now, although I'd rather not.)

  • Benson and Hedges (Twins, it says. As if that makes it all right.)

  • Midnight Chardonnay (I picture Midnight Chardonnay having a lot of Afternoon Tequila with a name like that.)

  • Hitler (Yes, this child will grow up to be perfectly normal. Sure.)

  • Cinderella Beauty Blossom (Oh, how I PRAY that this is a girl's name.)

  • Violence (Again, should grow up perfectly normal. What could possibly go wrong?)

Over there at the recorder's office, Brian Clarke, the registrar general of Births, Deaths and Marriages, explained that the law in New Zealand disallows names that would "cause offense to a reasonable person". ( He also said that they disallow names with "more than 100 characters (glad they narrowed THAT down. Phew! Those folks wanting to name their "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious" can now breathe a sigh of relief that they have 61 characters to spare.), that include titles or military rank or that include punctuation marks or numerals. (Thus explaining why it wasn't "Yeah! Detroit!! #1!! Woooo!!"

So, "Stallion" is NOT OK, but sign your kid up to be named "Hitler" because that's just FINE and dandy?! How is "Stallion" offensive to a reasonable person? I understand that it's not reasonable to a reasonable person, but offensive? Compared to "HITLER"?! I think not.

But wait! There's more! (I told you, The Metro is on a roll today!)

Then the Metro provides us with a story about a dwarf who was participating in a show called the Circus of Horrors (trust me, that name is beyond appropriate for this story). It was the aforementioned dwarf who "accidentally glued his penis to a vacuum cleaner."

Accidentally?!?! What in the hell was he trying to do? Which part of that sentence was involved in "the accident"? Was it the penis or was it the vacuum? Was he trying to glue his ASS to the vacuum and attached his minuscule unit instead? Was he trying to attach his schlong (or in this case, probably a schort) to a feather duster and got the Hoover instead? And how is trying to glue your penis to ANYTHING an accident!??! You know how to prevent those sorts of accidents? Exactly! By trying to NOT glue your penis to ANYTHING!

Captain Dan The Demon Dwarf (soon to be renamed Castrated Dan, Just An Idiot) "was taken to a hospital when he became stuck to the machine after misreading superglue instructions." Again, misreading WHAT exactly? The part that says, "If your penis has fallen off, please do not use our product to reattach it. Instead, seek medical help immediately. And bring your severed schlong with you!" Did he think it said "Please use our fabulous product to glue your penis to motorized residential cleaning apparati, and do it now!"?

I guess the gist of his "act" is that he pulls the vacuum across the stage with it attached to...you know....that. Somehow, it's supposed to be attached, but that came loose and so he used the glue to fix it. He only waited 20 seconds instead of 20 minutes before, um, reinsertion and that's when the problem became evident. It took the fine folks at the hospital (who are clearly paid no where near enough when it comes to dealing with things like this) about an hour to remove him from it.

Why not just turn the vacuum ON and use it's wondrous powers of suction to keep him attached to it? Or, better yet, here's another idea: Don't use your PENIS to pull a VACUUM CLEANER across a stage! (Or anything else for that matter! It wasn't meant for that! I might not have one, but I AM aware of the basic functions it performs, and vacuum relocation is NOT one of those functions!) I don't care how wild the crowd goes when you do it! Can't you juggle or do something more...you know...NORMAL and circus-y?

God, I love the foreign press.

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