If You Don't Know, Then It's Not Illegal

What in the world is wrong with some people? Don't answer that. I'll get to it soon enough. I'll start in Greenfield, CA. In Greenfield, there isn't a whole heck of a lot around. The population is 16,629 and from the looks of things, that's about 16,000 more than I would have guessed. Behold! Greenfield!

Ugh. Let's talk about the residents. Meet 36-year old Marcelino de Jesus Martinez.

Mr. Martinez had made a deal with a one 18-year old Margarito de Jesus Galindo where Margarito (not to be confused with Mojito, which is something completely different and probably the name of one of their relatives as well) would make payments in installments to Marcelino. When Margarito fell behind on his payments, Marcelino went to the police to complain. That would have been a reasonable move on Marcelino's end except for the part about what it was that Margarito fell behind in payments on. In other words, what did Margarito buy from Marcelino that he stopped paying for? That's right, Marcelino's 14-year old daughter. Wait. What?

Correct. Marcelino sold his 14-year old daughter to Margarito. Now, if you're wondering what's the going rate for a 14-year old girl these days, it seems to be rather complicated and fairly lengthy. I also have found no way to verify if this is what other 14-year olds are being trafficked for. But in this case, the girl was worth $16,000. Sixteen grand and....that's right, 150 cases of beer. Whaaa.......I'm not done!! Sixteen grand, 150 cases of beer, 100 cases of soda (no word on what brand, nor whether it was regular or diet), 50 cases of Gatorade (because that man looks like an athlete who needs to have his nutrients and fluids replenished on a daily basis), six cases of meat (yes, MEAT), two cases of wine, no partridge, no pear tree (from what I can tell). (Hey, no smokes? What's up with that?) What. The. Hell.

That's a lot of liquid! Can this man not do his own shopping? Couldn't he have just asked for the entire human trafficking payment to be made in cash and then went out and bought his own thirst quenching beverages for himself? And what kind of meat are we talking about here? Steak? I can't imagine it would be ground beef (or worse, those pre-made patties that are suitable only for drunken backyard barbeques in the middle of summer). I find the disproportionate numbers between the cases of beer (150) and the cases of wine (2) quite curious. Not as curious as these asshats who were involved in this escapade, but curious still.

How much extra would that be, you wonder? Well, OK, I wonder. Let's do the math, shall we?

• Soda - $12 per case. 100 cases. $1200.00
  
• Beer (Bud Light, but it was probably PBR) - $18 per case. 150 cases. $2700.00
  
• Gatorade - $1.39 ea. 24 in each case $33.36 per case. $1668
  
• Wine (I'm assuming a box, but it could be those screw top numbers) - $12 per box. 8 boxes in each case. $96 per case. $192
  
• Total: $5760.00-ish.
  

I don't know what a typical "case of meat" consists of or goes for these days, but he only wanted six of them. Again, very disproportionate in numbers to the beverages. But let's just say a "case of meat" is $200. Six of those is another $1200 which would make the total extra $6970.00. Add that to the $16,000 price tag and you have got yourself $22,970 worth of girl to sell there. If you're an A-hole, that is.

Oh, but this story gets better. Or worse. Worse, it gets worse. But not on the part of Dumb and Dumber there. According to the Chief of Police there in Greenfield, a one Chief Joe Grebmeier, "...Martinez was not aware of United States laws that prohibit arranged marriages involving minors." Oh, really? Now, would it surprise you to learn that they are in this country illegally? :::gasp!:::: Yes, I know! I was shocked as well! So, perhaps dude should have studied up on that as he was crawling across the border as to be undetected by our border patrols! Or maybe he could have taken some time to brush up on the laws in this country while he was in that truck he was crammed into with 37 other illegals when they were shuttled undetected into the US. And while I have no idea how he came to be in this country, all I know is that he isn't supposed to be here and that's plenty! I don't care what laws he was or was not aware of! That's because he doesn't seem to care about the law that says you need to be a legal resident of this country to be here!

The reason he wasn't aware of any laws is because he doesn't care about any laws in this country! If he did care, he wouldn't be here illegally! Man, this burns my toast! But the Chief of Police continued to speak and my toast continued to get burnt as he explained the difference in culture south of the border, claiming, "Different communities have different cultures... some things are legal in Mexico and not legal here." Yes! That's true. And do you know what one of the things that is not legal in this country? Illegal immigrants!! Hence the term, illegal!!

Then, the folks over there at Fox35-KCBA took this story to a place that it just shouldn't go. Their headline was "Cultural Customs Could be to Blame For Father Allegedly Selling His Daughter." That sound you just heard? That was me, snapping off. They report that Marcelino is "...from the Mexican State of Oaxaca and is a member of the Indigenous group: Triqui. For centuries, Triquis have arranged the marriages of their underage children even though it is illegal to do so in Mexico." So, where he is from it is illegal to sell your children. So how, how, HOW can they even think about saying that he "didn't know" it was illegal HERE?? Oh, and it's not some minority advocate group that is saying that he "didn't know". According to the KCBA folks, "Authorities believe Martinez did not know it was illegal to sell his underage daughter in this country." We are doomed. Doomed. Doomed.

Real quick, let me enable that line of thinking with a word or two from a one Sam Trevino from the Monterey County Department of Social and Employment Services. He says "...that the problem could be the lack of education." (Educated about what? Our immigration laws?! That would be a fine place to start!) He says that "...some of these people don't know the customs and laws here in the United States and the language barrier doesn't help either. " (The only "language barrier" in play here is people who won't learn how to speak English!) "...a large number of the Triqui population in Greenfield speaks little or no Spanish, and the majority of them do not know how to speak English." (I keep waiting for the part about where he explains why they won't learn English or why they're in this country illegally and how this is MY problem!!) And he finishes me off (probably with a coronary attack) with, "...while there is an outreach to teach them what the laws are in California, and in Monterey County he says, "from a human services perspective, we can never have enough resources". How many of my taxpayer dollars are going for this "outreach" to teach them "the laws"? They're not supposed to BE HERE. How about if we "reach out" and drop them right back over the border into Mexico? That's about the only kind of "outreach" I'm in favor of at this point.

And way to go, KCBA folks, for not mentioning even once that these folks are illegals. NOT ONCE did you bring that up and it's kind of a big deal and relevant to the story! You just kept using the term "immigrants" and conveniently left off the "illegal" part. So thanks for your contribution to the continuing decline of accuracy in the American press and media! We should be hitting rock bottom any day now! Keep it up! Your reporting of this story is just chock full of asshattery all the way around.

He's right about one thing, though. We can never have enough resources, provided that "resources" are defined as tall fences and hungry dogs at the border.

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Elected Asshats On The First Day

I don't know what all is said during the oath when someone is sworn into Congress. They could be up there reciting recipes for baked goods for all I know. I'm guessing it has upholding one's duty that they were elected to uphold or something like that. There's always a lot of 'upholding' in politics. There's not a lot of it actually happening, but you do hear about it a lot. That being said, I'd really like to add a couple of things to the oath if no one minds. Anyone? No? Grand.

I'd like something called the Cliff Stearns Clause-ola put in the oath somewhere. Preferably toward the end, right before they said "I do" (but do not end up married afterwards. Most of the time.). That way it will be fresh in their teeny, tiny little brains when the session starts. Now, you'll have to forgive my lack of prose and BS here. Unlike other things having to do with Congress, this won't be 57 pages long and hidden in the middle between paragraphs relating to Puerto Rican rum imports and the importance of wooden arrows to Oregon's economy. I know you're disappointed, but try to pull through. I'd like it to go something like this: Thou shalt not act like an asshat.

Are you surprised even one iota that this asshat Representative is from Flori-duh? Of course you're not. You'd be surprised if he weren't from there. Rep. Cliff Stearns (R-Ocala) has made a request of House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D) on the first day of the 111th Congress. It must be pretty important if you're already asking for things on the first day, yes? Not so much. After all, it's Congress! They're not exactly workaholics or anything, as obviously evidenced in his request of Speaker Pelosi to "to move votes scheduled for Thursday evening and Friday so House members from Florida and Oklahoma can go to the Bowl Championship Series national title game." Wait. What? No, WTF?

Are you kidding me? This guy is a member of Congress? Oh, right. Elected by the people of Florida. Silly me, how could I forget (or be surprised)? Now, he's a member of the Congress that serves the United States, right? I just want to make sure I know what I'm talking about here before I go off on this jackass. The same United States that is in a massive recession? The same United States that is just waiting for January 20th to get here so that President Barry can start doling out all of that "change" we were promised? (As a friend of mine said to me, "I distinctly remember being promised change." Me too.) The same United States that used $750 billion of taxpayers money to bail out failing banks left and right? The same United States where the three major automakers are on the verge of going under which would really make things a little tricky for the economy? THAT is the United States that we're talking about here, right? I thought so. What an asshat.

I understand a love for sport. I have many a love for many a sport. (I only wish that all of my teams right now, sans the Utes, didn't suck so that I could enjoy said sport more often.) But I don't think that on the first day of my new job or my first day back from vacation that I'd be asking the boss for the next couple of days off so that I can go watch football. And college football, at that! That wouldn't be a real good idea. I'd probably get looked at by the boss with the same look that I had when I read this tale of ass-hattery online. You know the look. It's the one that's a cross between the deer-in-the-headlights look and the WTF? look and it's accompanied by the Scooby Doo head tilt and a barely audible "Roo?"

According to the Associated Press, the drivel that Rep. Stearns wrote to Nancy Pelosi went like this: "As you may be aware, on Thursday January 8, the University of Florida and the University of Oklahoma will play for the national football championship. Members of the Florida and Oklahoma delegations have expressed interest in attending the game as the congressional schedule allows. However, votes are currently scheduled to continue into Thursday night and Friday afternoon. We ask that you move these votes to either Wednesday and/or Thursday morning to allow Members to attend this historic game." I'm almost at a loss for words. But not quite!

You know what else is going to be "historic" if you Congress guys don't start doing things over there that are actually what you are supposed to be doing instead of watching football? I'm thinking another Depression would be really "historic"! Do you not understand what the point of being a Member of Congress is, sir? You moron. Apparently, your service to the people of your state and your country comes right after your service to the University of Florida's football team. I was unaware that one could be elected to such a position. Oh, that's right. They can't. You're just an asshat is all.

According to the AP, as far as those "other members of Florida and Oklahoma delegations" that also wanted to watch the game, "....none of the other members Stearns referred to as "we" signed the letter". So now you're a moron and a liar. Two for two. Want to go for three? Sure you do.

He also included a handwritten message in his letter to Pelosi which read, "Madam Speaker — Kindly consider. Thanks, Cliff." There you go! You're quite the wordsmith there, Cliffy. That's three! Oh, wait. Did I say 'wordsmith'? I'm sorry, I mean "suck up". They're easily confused. In this case.

Speaker Pelosi (who was probably sunning herself on a rock to warm up her icy cold, reptilian body when she received this request) has said, probably in more words than this, no. (You want to talk 'suck up', look up Nancy Pelosi sometime. I'm pretty sure that she went to the same Fake Smile School alongside Hillary Clinton. What an act she has. Just look at 'em! Two fake peas in a fake, fake pod.)

Among the votes that are scheduled to take place that Rep. Stearns felt weren't overly pressing to the point that they couldn't be postponed for a while, was the " certification of the Electoral College vote that gives Barack Obama the presidency." You can't put off the vote that's going to allow Change-y McOptimism to save us all! What is wrong with you? Sir? You didn't even GO to the University of Florida! You're not even the Rep. from Gainesville! The game is being played in Miami which is another tie that you don't have! (Can I call him a racist? What? Too soon? Yeah, I thought so too. I'll hold off.)

I was hoping that this guy was new and just made a newbie mistake, but no. No, he was elected in 1988, so he's just a jackass. So, for twenty years the people of Flori-duh have felt that this is an adequate show for what they want in their Representative in Congress. Great. I'm so irritated by this I don't even care to look up this guy's record to see if he's done anything at all that might be even remotely noteworthy in those 20 years because I really don't care. This is asinine.

You've got your work cut out for you, Barry. Good luck.

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Friday's Foreign Press Files

Well, well, well. It is QUITE the day over yonder at the Metro.co.uk. Yep, quite the day. Where to begin, where to begin?

I suppose I could start in New Zealand, where a judge has banned two parents from continuing to have their child named "Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii." Yes, that was her GIVEN and REGISTERED name. (The poor girl told people that her name was "K" because she was so embarrassed and didn't want to be made fun of. And who wouldn't have done the same thing? Other than the two asshats who named her that. What in the hell are you people thinking?) The judge in the case ordered that the court take custody of the girl until her name could be formally changed, which they did and which it later was.

So, here are a few of the other names (chosen by different parents) that were also disallowed:

• Fish and Chips (Mmmm...fish and chips)
  
  
• Yeah Detroit (What? No "Woo-Hoo!" at the end of that?)


• Stallion (Yes, the baby looked just like Sly Stallone. I'm sure of it.)


• Twisty Poi (You can't twist poi, can you? It's like mashed potatoes. They don't twist.)
  
  
• Keenan Got Lucy (I had a dog named Lucy, so I find this one particularly disturbing.)
  
  
• Sex Fruit (Not that this will make this any better, but it was unclear to me if the last entry on this list was two separate names, ie 1. Keenan Got Lucy, 2. Sex Fruit, OR if it was, in fact, just one name, ie Keenan Got Lucy and Sex Fruit. I just don't know. I think I'd prefer that it's just one name, because if it were TWO names, then that's just one more set of crazy parents out there and we really don't need that, do we?)

Um, WTF, people? Oh, wait. I should have held that comment back until after I shared a few of the names that WERE allowed:

• 16 Bus Shelter (Clearly, where the child was conceived. I can picture it now, although I'd rather not.)


• Benson and Hedges (Twins, it says. As if that makes it all right.)


• Midnight Chardonnay (I picture Midnight Chardonnay having a lot of Afternoon Tequila with a name like that.)


• Hitler (Yes, this child will grow up to be perfectly normal. Sure.)
  
  
• Cinderella Beauty Blossom (Oh, how I PRAY that this is a girl's name.)


• Violence (Again, should grow up perfectly normal. What could possibly go wrong?)

Over there at the recorder's office, Brian Clarke, the registrar general of Births, Deaths and Marriages, explained that the law in New Zealand disallows names that would "cause offense to a reasonable person". ( He also said that they disallow names with "more than 100 characters (glad they narrowed THAT down. Phew! Those folks wanting to name their "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious" can now breathe a sigh of relief that they have 61 characters to spare.), that include titles or military rank or that include punctuation marks or numerals. (Thus explaining why it wasn't "Yeah! Detroit!! #1!! Woooo!!"

So, "Stallion" is NOT OK, but sign your kid up to be named "Hitler" because that's just FINE and dandy?! How is "Stallion" offensive to a reasonable person? I understand that it's not reasonable to a reasonable person, but offensive? Compared to "HITLER"?! I think not.

But wait! There's more! (I told you, The Metro is on a roll today!)

Then the Metro provides us with a story about a dwarf who was participating in a show called the Circus of Horrors (trust me, that name is beyond appropriate for this story). It was the aforementioned dwarf who "accidentally glued his penis to a vacuum cleaner."

Accidentally?!?! What in the hell was he trying to do? Which part of that sentence was involved in "the accident"? Was it the penis or was it the vacuum? Was he trying to glue his ASS to the vacuum and attached his minuscule unit instead? Was he trying to attach his schlong (or in this case, probably a schort) to a feather duster and got the Hoover instead? And how is trying to glue your penis to ANYTHING an accident!??! You know how to prevent those sorts of accidents? Exactly! By trying to NOT glue your penis to ANYTHING!

Captain Dan The Demon Dwarf (soon to be renamed Castrated Dan, Just An Idiot) "was taken to a hospital when he became stuck to the machine after misreading superglue instructions." Again, misreading WHAT exactly? The part that says, "If your penis has fallen off, please do not use our product to reattach it. Instead, seek medical help immediately. And bring your severed schlong with you!" Did he think it said "Please use our fabulous product to glue your penis to motorized residential cleaning apparati, and do it now!"?

I guess the gist of his "act" is that he pulls the vacuum across the stage with it attached to...you know....that. Somehow, it's supposed to be attached, but that came loose and so he used the glue to fix it. He only waited 20 seconds instead of 20 minutes before, um, reinsertion and that's when the problem became evident. It took the fine folks at the hospital (who are clearly paid no where near enough when it comes to dealing with things like this) about an hour to remove him from it.

Why not just turn the vacuum ON and use it's wondrous powers of suction to keep him attached to it? Or, better yet, here's another idea: Don't use your PENIS to pull a VACUUM CLEANER across a stage! (Or anything else for that matter! It wasn't meant for that! I might not have one, but I AM aware of the basic functions it performs, and vacuum relocation is NOT one of those functions!) I don't care how wild the crowd goes when you do it! Can't you juggle or do something more...you know...NORMAL and circus-y?

God, I love the foreign press.

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Father's Day Recant

OK, if I had anything to do with this, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm SO freaking, fracking sorry! I know that I said that I wasn't thrilled with the whole "Father's Day" thing. I know that I said I was over it and I was tired of being bombarded by advertisements from every retailer on the planet telling me what to buy for my Dad. I know I said I just wanted it to be over and done with. I know. I KNOW! Look, it was just my way of saying that I miss my Dad, is all. It was just my way of saying that hanging out with my Dad and having a little Kentucky Colonel was way better than just handing him a card. I didn't mean for things to go completely whack-a-do over there in Scotland. So if I had anything to do with it, again, I'm sorry. With what? Oh, sorry. Yeah, the Scottish schools prevented thousands of students from making Father's Day cards at school because the administration was afraid that it might embarrass those students who live with single mothers and lesbians. Wait. What?

Correct. According to our friends across the pond at the Telegraph, "The politically correct policy was quietly adopted at schools "in the interests of sensitivity" over the growing number of lone-parent and same-sex households. " Um, WTF? First of all, I hardly see this as "politically correct". Second, how is it "sensitive" to intentionally not acknowledge something that has absolutely nothing to do with something else? Are they going to fore go Christmas this year as well? I would imagine so (unfortunately).

The Office for National Statistics over there found that one in four British children lives with a lone parent. This is apparently twice as many as it was 20 years ago. I wish that they had a statistic for the number of soft-headed educators currently working administration jobs in the school systems in Scotland. But back to the one in four statistic...the last time I checked, one in four was still not a majority. But yet they're going to take ridiculous measures to ensure that the minority population of their students (who haven't said that they had any problem at all with the whole Father's Day card making thing...because they DON'T!) are not "embarrassed". Well, great. What are they going to do about the rest of the human race who IS "embarrassed" that they would engage in such asshattery?

According to a parent of one of the children at Edinburgh's Blackhall primary school, "The teachers are aware of the family circumstances of the children in each class and if a child hasn't got a father living at home, the teacher will avoid getting the children to make a card." The same school had previously enacted other asinine procedures, such as the removal of Christian references from festive greeting cards, by the way. (Twisting....off....NOW.)

Naturally, those in charge of the implementing the asshattery defended their change, saying that "the teachers needed to act "sensitively" at a time when many children were experiencing family breakdown and divorce." And a spokesman for East Renfrewshire Council said, "Increasingly, it is the case that there are children who haven't got fathers or haven't got fathers living with them and teachers are having to be sensitive about this. Teachers have always had to deal with some pupils not having fathers or mothers, but with marital breakdown it is accelerating." And then, with the most ironic of all defense statements, we have Jim Goodall, head of education at Clackmannanshire Council, who says that "teachers are expected to behave with common sense but be sensitive to "the changing pattern of family life." And then the practice that contained the least amount of common sense ever was introduced and implemented in the schools. Grand.

I'm not quite sure HOW the swaddling a child in a thick, insulating wrap of overprotectiveness by removing any sort of conflict or difficulty from the child's life is in the least bit sensitive. I find it highly insensitive that the soft-headed educators over there (just those who think it's a good idea to do this; not ALL educators.) are refusing to do just that. EDUCATE! If the child doesn't learn that the world doesn't revolve around them and that other people with cause to celebrate something are going to do so in spite of their individual circumstance, then they're going to be in for quite the rude awakening one day. It doesn't sound very "educational" if you're asking me.

I can think of many, many ways that one might be "insensitive" to a child's situation at home. (Comments that include the term "little bastard" for one.) But making Father's Day cards isn't one of them. And just so I'm clear, I have a problem with the capitalistic properties that have overtaken Father's Day (at least in the US), not so much with the day itself. I also don't have a problem with other people who have fathers and who are celebrating Father's Day. But what I do have a problem with is people who think that if everyone isn't the same, then they should make it appear as if everyone IS the same, even if that means taking away from those who "have" so that everyone can be a member of the "have nots". Because I'll tell you, if it was an option to spend Father's Day with my Dad, that would be awesome. And it would be so awesome that I cannot imagine depriving someone else of the thing that I would want more than anything else. Because if it's that cool, why would I not want someone else to experience it, despite the fact that I can't (anymore)? So, yo, Scotland. Make it stop. Just please make it stop.

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