Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Elected Asshats On The First Day

I don't know what all is said during the oath when someone is sworn into Congress. They could be up there reciting recipes for baked goods for all I know. I'm guessing it has upholding one's duty that they were elected to uphold or something like that. There's always a lot of 'upholding' in politics. There's not a lot of it actually happening, but you do hear about it a lot. That being said, I'd really like to add a couple of things to the oath if no one minds. Anyone? No? Grand.

I'd like something called the Cliff Stearns Clause-ola put in the oath somewhere. Preferably toward the end, right before they said "I do" (but do not end up married afterwards. Most of the time.). That way it will be fresh in their teeny, tiny little brains when the session starts. Now, you'll have to forgive my lack of prose and BS here. Unlike other things having to do with Congress, this won't be 57 pages long and hidden in the middle between paragraphs relating to Puerto Rican rum imports and the importance of wooden arrows to Oregon's economy. I know you're disappointed, but try to pull through. I'd like it to go something like this: Thou shalt not act like an asshat.

Are you surprised even one iota that this asshat Representative is from Flori-duh? Of course you're not. You'd be surprised if he weren't from there. Rep. Cliff Stearns (R-Ocala) has made a request of House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D) on the first day of the 111th Congress. It must be pretty important if you're already asking for things on the first day, yes? Not so much. After all, it's Congress! They're not exactly workaholics or anything, as obviously evidenced in his request of Speaker Pelosi to "to move votes scheduled for Thursday evening and Friday so House members from Florida and Oklahoma can go to the Bowl Championship Series national title game." Wait. What? No, WTF?

Are you kidding me? This guy is a member of Congress? Oh, right. Elected by the people of Florida. Silly me, how could I forget (or be surprised)? Now, he's a member of the Congress that serves the United States, right? I just want to make sure I know what I'm talking about here before I go off on this jackass. The same United States that is in a massive recession? The same United States that is just waiting for January 20th to get here so that President Barry can start doling out all of that "change" we were promised? (As a friend of mine said to me, "I distinctly remember being promised change." Me too.) The same United States that used $750 billion of taxpayers money to bail out failing banks left and right? The same United States where the three major automakers are on the verge of going under which would really make things a little tricky for the economy? THAT is the United States that we're talking about here, right? I thought so. What an asshat.

I understand a love for sport. I have many a love for many a sport. (I only wish that all of my teams right now, sans the Utes, didn't suck so that I could enjoy said sport more often.) But I don't think that on the first day of my new job or my first day back from vacation that I'd be asking the boss for the next couple of days off so that I can go watch football. And college football, at that! That wouldn't be a real good idea. I'd probably get looked at by the boss with the same look that I had when I read this tale of ass-hattery online. You know the look. It's the one that's a cross between the deer-in-the-headlights look and the WTF? look and it's accompanied by the Scooby Doo head tilt and a barely audible "Roo?"

According to the Associated Press, the drivel that Rep. Stearns wrote to Nancy Pelosi went like this: "As you may be aware, on Thursday January 8, the University of Florida and the University of Oklahoma will play for the national football championship. Members of the Florida and Oklahoma delegations have expressed interest in attending the game as the congressional schedule allows. However, votes are currently scheduled to continue into Thursday night and Friday afternoon. We ask that you move these votes to either Wednesday and/or Thursday morning to allow Members to attend this historic game." I'm almost at a loss for words. But not quite!

You know what else is going to be "historic" if you Congress guys don't start doing things over there that are actually what you are supposed to be doing instead of watching football? I'm thinking another Depression would be really "historic"! Do you not understand what the point of being a Member of Congress is, sir? You moron. Apparently, your service to the people of your state and your country comes right after your service to the University of Florida's football team. I was unaware that one could be elected to such a position. Oh, that's right. They can't. You're just an asshat is all.

According to the AP, as far as those "other members of Florida and Oklahoma delegations" that also wanted to watch the game, "....none of the other members Stearns referred to as "we" signed the letter". So now you're a moron and a liar. Two for two. Want to go for three? Sure you do.

He also included a handwritten message in his letter to Pelosi which read, "Madam Speaker — Kindly consider. Thanks, Cliff." There you go! You're quite the wordsmith there, Cliffy. That's three! Oh, wait. Did I say 'wordsmith'? I'm sorry, I mean "suck up". They're easily confused. In this case.

Speaker Pelosi (who was probably sunning herself on a rock to warm up her icy cold, reptilian body when she received this request) has said, probably in more words than this, no. (You want to talk 'suck up', look up Nancy Pelosi sometime. I'm pretty sure that she went to the same Fake Smile School alongside Hillary Clinton. What an act she has. Just look at 'em! Two fake peas in a fake, fake pod.)

Among the votes that are scheduled to take place that Rep. Stearns felt weren't overly pressing to the point that they couldn't be postponed for a while, was the " certification of the Electoral College vote that gives Barack Obama the presidency." You can't put off the vote that's going to allow Change-y McOptimism to save us all! What is wrong with you? Sir? You didn't even GO to the University of Florida! You're not even the Rep. from Gainesville! The game is being played in Miami which is another tie that you don't have! (Can I call him a racist? What? Too soon? Yeah, I thought so too. I'll hold off.)

I was hoping that this guy was new and just made a newbie mistake, but no. No, he was elected in 1988, so he's just a jackass. So, for twenty years the people of Flori-duh have felt that this is an adequate show for what they want in their Representative in Congress. Great. I'm so irritated by this I don't even care to look up this guy's record to see if he's done anything at all that might be even remotely noteworthy in those 20 years because I really don't care. This is asinine.

You've got your work cut out for you, Barry. Good luck.

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