Sunday, January 25, 2009

Colors - They're the New Black

Let it be known that I am officially giving my OK for the newspaper industry, in lieu of any real news and sans enough paid advertising, to leave large sections of the newspaper blank. Just don't have anything there. No picture. No print. Nothing. Just a big blank space. I'm perfectly fine with that as it is better than some of the stuff that I am convinced was just put there to take up space and make the paper look all complete and wordy and chock full o' news. I've read some of that filler. I'd rather have blank space.

Now, I'll admit to not being entirely sure why it is that I am paying someone to throw a pile of paper on my driveway that contains the news that I have already read about the day before on the Internet. You'd think I'd be paying someone to take away crap like that, but instead, I'm paying to have it brought to me. Go figure. I can't explain it. I've just always had a newspaper in the morning. I haven't always had this kind of newspaper. You know, the kind that is more paper and less news. But I've always had a newspaper, I guess that's why. Onward.

Today's waste of time and space is an article which appeared in the San Jose Mercury News (a newspaper which is declining in quality so rapidly I can barely keep up) on Friday. The article talks about the "colors" which will be popular fashion-wise and decor-wise for the year 2009. I don't know who is in charge of choosing the "colors". I also don't know how those mysterious folks go about choosing the "colors". I'd imagine it's something akin to how they name hurricanes, but I'm not positive about that. All I know is that at some point, we hear what the "color" for the upcoming year is. We are then supposed to incorporate that color into our daily lives immediately or else be seen as one of "those people" who are "so last year". Ugh. Them! (OK, "us"!)

The "colors" for 2009 are (drum roll, please...).......yellow and purple! Yellow and purple? What the hell? Actually, the "yellow" is really "mimosa yellow", which I find odd as a mimosa is orange. But that doesn't seem to matter to a one Leatrice Eiseman, as she said that yellow, "is a hue that sparks imagination and innovation." I see. Yes, I seem to remember Thomas Edison and the Wright Brothers all clad head to toe in yellow, 365 days of the year. That explains a lot. Good to know! By the way, the "purple" is more of a softer shade of purple, such as a lavender or a lilac (both of which actually are purple, so I'm fine with that).

The people who are quoted for this story make statements that seem to link two separate entities to each other in a fashion that is unfathomable to me. For example, a one Debbie Zimmer, a "color and decorating expert at the Rohm & Haas Paint Quality Institute in Spring House, PA" (See? Do I need to know all of that? No, of course not. Filler. Leave the space blank, please.) says the following, "As we head toward a more difficult economy, we'll see more conservative colors - dusty purple, lavender and violet." Wait. What?

Why is it that the difficult economy will be surrounded by soft hues of purple again? It's because....oh, that's right, there is no basis for that statement. It's very similar to this statement made by a one Patricia Call, an interior designer in New York, when she said, "Historically, purple is associated with royalty. Now it's being used for everything from cooking ranges to washing machines. In a bad economy, it gives you a lift to feel royal in the kitchen or laundry." First of all, WTF? Second, historically, purple is associated with a) Donny Osmond's socks, b) Prince, and c) probably Barney. Third, I do not recall a purple cooking range (otherwise known as a "stove") or a purple washing machine down at my local Home Depot. And finally, in a bad economy, it gives me a lift to have money. I don't care where it is. The kitchen, the laundry, the garage, it's doesn't matter. Money will give me a lift, not purple.

But here's where I lost it. "Don't care for yellow or purple?" the article asks. Then it proceeds to give us some alternatives to yellow or purple, the official colors of the year 2009. Here are your choices: " 'Menswear' colors, such as gray, navy blue, brown and black....expanding the palette beyond green to embrace blues....fruited shades, such as mango, orange, apple and, red, turquoise and teal....white and a whole range of blue."

So, let me get this straight. Instead of yellow or purple, I can go with gray, dark blue, brown, black, green, blue, orange, red, turquoise, teal, and white? That's ALL the other colors!! That's not a choice! Those are just all of the colors! You can't select TWO and say those are the colors for the year and your other choices are ALL of them! What's the point?!?! So basically, you can wear whatever color you want and whatever it is, it's the color of the year! Great! That means I'll never have to read another ridiculous article about this nonsense ever again, as every color is assigned to every year from here on out!

Blank. Leave the pages blank. Please. You have permission. Anything, anything but drivel like this on my driveway in the morning. Anything.

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