Thursday, January 1, 2009

An Oral History of Charles Barkley

Gosh dang it, I love Charles Barkley. The guy was way fun to watch when he was playing in the NBA, but since he's retired he's been more fun to watch! Actually, I take that back. Since he's retired, he's been more fun to listen to! Man, that guy is like a factory for one-liners. Get this: He's in some sort of a fight where he ends up throwing a guy through the first floor window of a bar. He ends up in front of a judge who tells him that he's going to receive community service and a fine. Then the just asks him if he has any regrets. Sir Charles replies, "Yeah I regret we weren't on a higher floor." Most excellent! Or how about back in 1992 when the Olympic Dream Team was playing against Panama in the Tournament of the Americas and Barkley was asked what their goal was. He said, "To get the Canal back." Awesome. OK, just one more! I don't know when or where he said this one, I'm just taking the word of a one Robert Littal over there at Black Sports Online. But Barkley is said to have said the following: "I'd never buy my girl a watch... she's already got a clock over the stove." Now, as a chick, I can't condone that. But as a chick who isn't around anyone else right now, I can laugh my ass off because that is funny!

So far be it for Charles to let us down in the early morning hours of the last day of 2008 when he was pulled over and subsequently arrested for DUI in Arizona. Let's start with the mug shot, shall we? Good Lord, how much alcohol does it take to get a hulking mass sponge like Charles Barkley drunk? I'd have to assume we'd be graduating past the keg and into the barrel category. Regardless, here you go. Behold!

Now that's a man who had a good time right up until the second he was arrested, I'll tell you that right now. Sweaty, glossy eyed, and wearing a smirk that says "I hope they get my good side. What am I talking about? All my sides are good!" I would like to know more about what he's wearing. Add some wooden beads to that shirt there and he looks like he's wearing a car seat cover.

According to the police report (which will enlarge if clicked upon) that was made available by the smoking good folks at The Smoking Gun, the arresting officer saw a black Infiniti SUV going southbound roll through a stop sign going about 10 mph. As the cop pulls out to catch up to Barkley, the SUV stops just past the intersection where he ran the stop sign and a female gets into the passenger seat. ( see where this is going, right?) Then the SUV starts to take off and the cop flips on his lights. Now, usually, when one gets pulled over, they do just that. They pull over. Not Barkley. No, he just stopped and blocked the only southbound lane that there was! (Well, at least he stopped.)

The cop goes up to the window and tells Barkley why he was stopped, to which Barkley acknowledges, but that's about it. When the cop asks him if he had been drinking, the honorable Sir Charles replies, "Yes, I have!" And when asked how many, he tells the cop, "A couple. I could give you a bullshit answer, but I didn't." And it's unfortunate that when it comes to drunk driving, honesty is not exactly going to win you any points. On the bright side, no one will be calling you a liar, so that's something!

The cop gives him the field sobriety tests because Charles reeks of alcohol. He fails and he gets arrested. I guess in Arizona they also draw blood for DUIs? News to me. Barkley let them take 2 vials of his blood, but told the officer that he drinks, "...but I don't do any of that other sh*t." He told the officer two more times that he did not do drugs. Once would have been plenty, Charles, but you're drunk so it''s not OK, but we understand.

But here's where it gets better. (Fair warning: There will be acts of carnality described here without censorship. If it was profanity, I'd probably use the little asterisk. But it's not and since it's not overly graphic and doesn't involve animals or anything like that, I'm just going with what it is. Just so you know.) The cop asked Barkley where he was going. Sir Charles the Honest tells him that he ran the stop sign because he was in a hurry to pick up the girl that the cop saw get into the SUV. Then Barkley asked the cop to admit that the girl was hot! I don't know if the cop acknowledged the girls hotness because from there the report goes right to Barkley asking the cop, "You want the truth?" Oh, please! The truth would be mar-velous right about now! So he says, "I was gonna drive around the corner and get a blow job." He then felt the need to explain (as if the cop wouldn't understand why a guy would want a blow job in the first place) that the girl had blown him a week earlier and he said that it "was the best one he had ever had in his life" according to the police report. Yeah, well, that may or may not be true because I dare anyone to show me one guy who ever had a blow job that he did not enjoy profusely.

While he was being processed, he told one of the cops, "I'll tattoo my name on your ass" if the cop helped him get out of the DUI. Then he laughed that ass that he was going to tattoo on off and said, "I'll tattoo your name on MY ass!" Now that makes more sense! (Unless the guy was a big Charles Barkley fan, I couldn't see how tattooing Charles' name on the guy's ass would be any sort of an incentive to do anything at all!)

Shortly after this, Barkley was released. The officer who received all of this information and wrote the report also indicated that he had audio taped the conversation and that will be included in the evidence as well and I, for one, cannot wait until that is available! THAT should be good. We'll get all of the amusement of his statement WITH the added bonus of being able to hear the slurring! Excellent!

They also found a handgun in the SUV. What is it with athletes and guns?? Why do so many of them feel the need to constantly travel anywhere with a firearm either in their car or in their luggage or in their pants? Why?? And most of these famous athletes who end up in legal trouble because of their fondness for their firearms are not people who cannot afford to buy themselves some other form of protection. They don't need to be packing the heat themselves! Hire yourself some damned bodyguards, guys! Put the guns away! Besides, where do these guys think that they are and what do they think is going to happen that they will need to be armed in order to make it through alive?! It's not like they're at an away game on the Gaza Strip or anything. What's with the guns? I don't get it.

I also don't get what ever happened to the best blow job giver in the world. She just disappeared from the whole incident. I mean, she got in the SUV before he was pulled over and then....?? That's right. Nothing! Was she released? Was she arrested, er, persecuted for her trade? They really should have kept better tabs on her because I'll bet that Charles wanted to know where she was when he was released. And I can almost guarantee you that he got that blow job that he was after because you don't go looking for a little southern lovin' and end up getting arrested and then not go back to get what got you in trouble in the first place. Otherwise, it wouldn't have been worth it getting arrested. But once that's item on his agenda is all taken care of, he'll be fine with the whole thing. Actually, it's Charles Barkley. Whether he's fine with it or not, it will still be entertaining for us onlookers. Can't wait until court! Stay tuned, won't ye?

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