Saturday, January 24, 2009

I Will Always Have Gum

I like gum. I'm a fan of "the gum" in general. It's refreshing. Chewy. Blows better bubbles than saliva. I also like things to read. And as one with the attention span that is equal to that of a gnat, it isn't long before I am easily bored and will start looking around for something to do. Reading is the thing that I have found gets me in the least amount of trouble. So I'm at a red light the other day, bored immediately, and began looking for entertainment. One's resources are limited when they are inside of their vehicle. There are only so many times you can ponder why your door is "a jar" and not just "a door" before it really isn't all that funny anymore. So I reached for the gum and perused the packaging whilst chewing (and whilst waiting for that damned light to change! I don't have all day! What's the hold up?!). Behold! My gum package!

Now don't get me wrong, I'm all for keeping places clean and neat and tidy. I abhor litter. But I became confused when looking at the gum and it's reminder (I'm assuming that's what it was - a reminder) to throw away the garbage that results after having a piece of gum. It states to "DO YOUR PART!" Then it has a little picture which, I presume, is of me doing my part. That's where I became befuddled. Behold!



What is it exactly that my "part" is supposed to be doing? Why are my other "parts" spurting things into the receptacle that my groin "part" is thrusting towards? While I'm on the subject, why are my other "parts" so long and straight that they extend out twice the diameter of my head? I don't want to do my "part" that way! No one informed me of this BEFORE I bought the gum! I want to opt out! (And really, I don't think that my "parts", the ones that I actually have" can perform like that diagram is instructing them to. I just don't think they're capable. I'm fairly certain they don't have that sort of aim. I can barely get a wadded up piece of paper from my desk to the wastebasket. How am I supposed to make some tricky groin maneuver so that I can expel other things from my body into the target area, as defined by the directional arrow?)

The gum thrust command line there made me wonder if the Federal government is in charge of Orbit gum, as I seem to recall that their instructions/information for what people should do in case of a terrorist attack was very similar. It included odd pictures similar to the gum instructions.

For example, in the pictures below, if you are being sprayed by a chemical or you encounter a pile of dead fish, stop to think about it.


If large pieces of concrete have befallen you, get out your magic flashlight to gently levitate them above you while you crawl to safety.

The government wants us all to know what to do in case there is radiation around after said attack. In this diagram, it seems to indicate that Houston is radioactive; perhaps, get your ass to Austin ASAP.


This man is able to absorb the radiation with his groin. According to the digital readout, he has been doing so for 5 minutes and 12 seconds. He's going to have one glow-y nether region when he's finished. (He certainly won't have children, I can tell you that!) Perhaps he will know how to "do his part", as it seemed to involves one's groin area as well.


The arrow pointing into this building indicates where one is supposed to enter. One can only assume that the arrow is also there to remind one to duck before entering, as you are now three feet from the entrance and your head reaches the bottom of the top windows in the building because you are now at least 20 feet tall. I'm guessing that the gigantoid growth is a direct result of the 5 minutes and 12 seconds one has spent standing in front of a radioactive source. (I knew there would be a drawback to that.)


This is a perfect example of why these things need WORDS. I don't know if this sign shows that if a door is locked that I am supposed to use my karate moves and chop the door down with one hand or if it indicates that I am supposed to go with "Paper" when doing Rock, Paper, Scissors to see who gets to do through the door first.



You would think that this one would go without saying, but I guess we should all know that we should not drive if there is a utility pole coming out of the hood of our vehicle. That would be bad.

Now, with all of the radiation that was warned of above, be prepared for anything. Such as if your internal organs begin speaking to you in a cartoon like fashion. If this should occur (and, quite frankly, it's something I'd love to see!) stand upright, legs slightly apart, set in a firm stance, arms akimbo, and wait for help!


Always remember that if you see a large red arrow, pin it against the door with your shoulder until help arrives.

To summon that help, blow your whistle. Unless you are bald, and then you should yell for help.


If you find yourself on fire, for God's sake, DON'T RUN!! (When will people learn? When?)


I'm fairly convinced at this point that the government is definitely responsible for using the gum packaging to remind us all (who chew that gum) to "do our part".

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