Saturday, January 10, 2009

Oh, Crap, Like Father, Like Son

Well, it appears to be "Like father, like son" in the cash of George W. Bush and George H.W. Bush. Frightening, I know. On Sunday, ol' H.W. gave an interview to Fox News' Chris Wallace on the aptly named show Fox News Sunday with Chris Wallace" And when I say "Wow", I mean "Wow". Holy canoli, they both make about as much sense as Ozzy Osbourne, but he's usually trying to speak so he can be understood! And actually, Ozzy's problem isn't so much content as it is just trying to understand what in the hell he's saying. (It's as if he still had the head of that bat or chicken or whatever it was that he munched off years ago still in his mouth!) I'm going to hit the highlights of this train wreck and I think that you'll come to the conclusion that I did. That being that H.W. may or may not know what he's talking about, but whichever it is, his son inherited his exact same style of speaking. Or babbling. (If you figure out which one of those it is, you're one up on me because I'm stumped.)

At the beginning of the interview, Chris Wallace brought up how, next Saturday, our newest aircraft carrier will be commissioned and it will be named the USS George H.W. Bush. Naturally, H.W. is going to attend the ceremony (if he can find his way to the dock. The guy seemed a little doddering.). They chatted about that and then Wallace asked, "I hear that you have been telling friends that this is the last big event of your life, as you just told us. Do you see it as the culmination of a life of public service?" Nice way to phrase, "So, you're old and probably going to die soon. What'd ya think?"

H.W.'s response was, "Well, I do. I really do. I'm going to make one more parachute jump at 85. But that's not — I don't see that as culminating anything." Wait. What? You're going to jump? You do see it, but you don't see it? You what?

Wallace then asked him, "If you have the opportunity to take Mr. Obama aside and talk to him from the heart, what is the key piece of advice you want to give him?" Oh, Lord, here it comes.

"Oh, I — at this juncture, it really would be gratuitous for me to be giving advice to Barack Obama. It would be more to wish him well. I talked to him right after the election and did that then, assured him that he was my president." Why, yes, it would be gratuitous of you. I mean, I know he was President and all, but it was kind of a while ago and how often have we heard from him since then? Not much. We see the guy less than we do Punsutawney Phil. And what's with the assuring him that he's his president? As opposed to...? What? "Dude, you might have won, but there is no way, NO WAY that you're going to be MY president! Do you hear me?! I can't hear myself, that's why I'm asking!"

He didn't stop. He kept going.
"But if I saw something I thought was wrong, I'd like to have the feeling I could bring it up with him just based on some experience in the past, war and peace, Middle East, Europe, Germany." War and peace. Thanks for narrowing that down there, H.W.

On the subject of Germany, Bush, Sr. added, "I think one of the best things we participated in doing or facilitating was the unification of Germany." Really? Because that happened slightly less than a month after you were inaugurated and I kind of get the feeling that it was in the works before then, so...well, you know. Maybe he remembers it a little bit differently than, well, history does. :::sigh::: What else?

Along the same "what advice would you give" line of questioning, Wallace went with "From your four years in the Oval Office, is there any piece of advice that you'd give any president coming into office?"
OK, wait. Before that gets answered, I have a question here. Why is he interviewing him in the first place? I don't get it. Because his inept, puppet of a president son is wrapping up his disaster term as President and so it would be a good idea to interview him? Personally, I think if you're going to interview anyone about George W. Bush, the only question that you can ask that is really relevant to anything and everything is, "What's wrong with him?" Other than that, I really don't see the point no matter who it is. But I digress. (Oh, come on! Eight years of this crap, don't tell me you're not a little cranky as well!)

His advice. It went something like this: "Get people around you whom you're confident will not be out there talking to the press and painting — building their own nests, you know, or — and I think — I think he's off to a good start in that." Painting and building nests? What?? Nest painters? In the White House? Is that such a good idea? Why are there nests to begin with?
When asked what he thought of Barry, Bush, Sr. said, "Well, I wish I knew him better. I don't really know him. I met him. He came down here to Houston for a hurricane relief deal several years ago in the Katrina — was it Katrina? (Wow! Both him AND G.W. had trouble identifying the hurricane that was Katrina! You'd think you would know if it was, sir. You know, with the masses of people from other states flooding into Texas and all.) I think it was. Yeah. And we met over here in the auditorium. (And that's the end of that tale that never really got started in the first place.) But I'm impressed with him. I'm very impressed with his style on the campaign and his coolness and his articulate nature. I think he can give a sentence and it will sound like it's been thought out by Shakespeare or something." From what I can tell, my cat could "give a sentence" and it would sound like Shakespeare to you. And I don't even have a cat!

On the leaving of office, Wallace asked, "Your son is also making a big transition pretty soon from president to private citizen. Having been through that, how tough is it, and what advice do you have for him?" To which Bush, Sr. responded, "Well, it's very tough — I think it is — to actually get under way as a private citizen. But it wasn't that hard for me, and I don't think it will be that hard for him." Wait. So it's "tough", but not for you and not for G.W. So....only Jimmy and Bill had a hard time? What does that mean?

It just gets worse. Everything he says is yes-no, black-white, up-down. If you asked the guy if he enjoyed his lunch, I could totally hear him saying, "Well, yes. The chicken, it was, it was good. I liked it very much. Um, you know, but see the chicken was dry and I don't really like dry chicken. That I did not like. But I enjoyed it very much."
Some brief other orations of eloquence from our 41st President:
  • "We're very close, and we remain close for many, many years. People don't quite get that, but we're a very close mother — father and son, and his mother, Barbara, is as close as us."
  • "But I've tried to stay out of his way on the issues, but I'm in touch — telephone. Yesterday evening we got home to Houston. Telephone rings. It's the president. "How's mom? How are you doing, Dad?" And like — it would be like any family. And that's important, I think, and especially in times of real difficulty for our country." (Yes, in times of difficulty, I always feel better, as does the rest of the country, when the President calls his parents in Houston. That is important! We're doomed.)

  • "'s very easy for me to sit on the sidelines doing absolutely nothing and speak up in that manner for him. I've avoided a lot of these shows and all that stuff trying to say, "No, wait a minute, here's with the Kurds should have done," or, "Here's what the — you know, should be happening in Germany or in Panama," or something like that." (Again with Germany! And the Kurds? Um, we're kind of in the middle of this Muslim extremist dealio at the moment, but we'll keep the Kurds in mind. Thanks for that.)

But this is my favorite one. This is the one that makes me wish there was some sort of rule or something that if you are a senior citizen and you know little to nothing about the Internet or computers or technology then you are forbidden from speaking about anything having to do with any of it. Ever. (I'd make this rule applicable to everyone, not just senior citizens, but seniors need it the most. I know you guys are trying to be cool and keep up and all and we love ya for it. We do. But it makes you look silly when you misuse the terminology or when you add the word "the" or any sort of a possessive pronoun to those newfangled terms. Besides, if you're not a senior citizen and you don't know squat about technology, etc., then you deserve to be mocked until you crawl back under the rock you came out from under to see what the rest of the world was doing on their computers.)

Wallace: "You said earlier there are some things he could fairly be criticized for. Are you willing to tell me any of those?"

The guy who thinks that answering the rotary dial phone which is bolted to the wall in his avocado green kitchen shows how up to date on technology he is: "No, I don't need to go into that. You can go back to your — what do you call it? — your Google and you figure out all that."

Go back to your Google. Your MAAAAAAAAAA-GIC Google! You go and you use that there, sonny! You young whippersnapper, you! You and your...your...what do you call it? Your Google! Yeah! You just got and figure out all that with that! So there!"

Not so much is my question how did these two men, both Bushes, get elected President, but rather, why in the world did the country keep voting for these guys! Two Vice Presidential terms and three Presidential terms between the two of them! That's FIVE!! FIVE times the moronic voters in this country voted for at least ONE of them to hold one of the top two most powerful positions in the world! What is wrong with people?? I know this is a country that elected a man named Tricky Dick, not once, but twice. I don't get it. I just don't get it.

Now if you'll excuse me, in all of my perplexed-ness, I'm off to figure this whole "voting for morons" tendency that this country seems to have. And I'm going to figure it out with my Google! So there.

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