Sunday, January 18, 2009

A Tale of Two (or Three) Hitlers

Who would have thought that, many years after the psychopath's demise, a one Adolf Hitler could bring a bit of amusement to the masses? No one, that is correct. And while Adolf Hitler himself did not, does not and will not be bringing any amusement any time soon (or ever, really), the name still provokes people to do wacky things. In most cases of one conducting said wackiness, the individual is either a) drunk , b) a wacky moron or c) a moron. (Choice "c" is applicable more than "b" is, but I think that's due mainly to sheer numbers. After all, most people, sans the eight of you reading this, are morons.)

Let's start with the Maestro of Wackiness, known less-than-lovingly to the American people as Mr. Tom Cruise. The infamous couch jumper of yesterday has seen a steady decline in the number of fans who swoon and adore him. Why? Because that couch jumping thing was just weird, even by Hollywood standards. Weird. And people saw it for what it was. Weird. That's when they started seeing Tom for what he was. Weird. And here we are today!

As is the want for most people on Christmas, the Tom Cruise Nazi movie opened in theaters across the country. Yep, Hitler, Nazis and the Baby Jesus! Together again! Er, together! Together. That's it. So. the folks with the funny sounding name over there at Reuters have a story titled "Tom Cruise says grew up wanting to kill Hitler". Why, yes, it is at this point that you hope and pray that the article has better grammar and/or wording than the title! Whilst in Seoul to promote the Nazis, er, the Nazi movie, Tom said in an interview, "I always wanted to kill Hitler, I hated him." Really? Not the hating part. I don't know many who are overly fond of Hitler, per se. No, I mean the "always wanted to kill" him part. I find that somewhat odd because it's not all that common for small children to obsess on killing a world leader. Mainly I find it odd because when Tom Cruise was growing up, Hitler was already dead.

In the movie, Cruise plays Colonel Claus Von Stauffenber, a guy who tried to kill Hitler by placing a briefcase with a bomb in it underneath a table at Hitler's headquarters. (SPOILER ALERT: If you haven't seen the movie OR read history books and you don't want to know what happens in World War Two, you might want to skip ahead a few paragraphs, as I'm about to blow the lid off of the whole...um, thing with a lid on it!) The bomb goes off, the table saves Hitler, and Colonel Claus gets executed. Cruise, apparently, thought that it was a good story to tell because it lets people know that someone tried to stand up to Hitler and do something. Wait. What?

"As a child studying history and looking at documents, I wondered, why didn't someone stand up and try to stop it? When I read the script, it was entertaining and informative to know what the challenges were and what it was like to be in the environment." Why didn't someone stand up to stop him? Have you not heard about the little stand-uppance we refer to as "World War II"? We weren't trying to track the guy down to play a round of golf with him. (There were all of those holes everywhere all over Germany. It would have been a tricky round of golf no matter where you were.)

"It has certainly influenced my life, just knowing that there were people who tried to stop him (Hitler)." Cruise does not explain (or lie about) how it was that his life has been influenced by Colonel Claus and the Exploding Briefcase (which is a pretty good name for a band, by the way). Yes, Tom, we can all tell that Claus has greatly influenced your life of making movies as an actor. It has Nazi ruler written all over it! By the way, what "documents" do you suppose he was looking at when he was "a child studying history"? Does he mean the "pictures" in the "books" he read?

I guess that when they were trying to film the movie in Germany they ran into a few problems because "Germans had balked at the prospect of Cruise playing Stauffenberg as they objected to the actor's ties to Scientology." I see. Because Scientology is much worse than the Nazis. Right. What is wrong with people?
Don't answer that question because you'll have a completely different answer after learning about Little Adolf Hitler Campbell. Correct. Meet Heath and Deborah Campbell of New Jersey. And their son.


Heath and Deborah have three children. The oldest, little Adolf Hitler Campbell, is three and his two sisters, JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell and Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie Campbell, are 1 and 8 months, respectively. Yes, those are their names. Their legal names.

You might have already heard about the to-do that arose when Adolf Hitler's birthday rolled around and they went to Wal-Mart to have a cake made for him that read (of course) "Happy Birthday, Adolf Hitler". The Wal-Mart, sensing that the parents were a couple of tools, declined to make the cake with that wording on it as they "did not feel it was appropriate to be making a cake to celebrate the birthday of Adolf Hitler." And while I agree with them, I don't know that it's their place to judge in this instance, really. Oh, wait. That "We reserve the right to refuse service to anyone" sign that you see everywhere. I guess they invoked that. Naturally, Tool A and Tool B went to the press and some 64 years after the fact, Adolf Hitler was in the news once again!

Tool A (Heath) said that he is of German descent and he wanted to name his son something that reflected a German heritage. He said he also liked the name because "no one else in the world would have that same name." Well, no. They won't. But there's a reason they won't! It's the same reason why no one else in the world would name their child "Crapbag Douche." The name is revolting and no one wants it! That's why no one else has it! And you know who else won't want the name? Your son when he gets old enough to realize that he's going to be either a) teased or b) shunned for the rest of his natural life. Nice job, parents!

Tool A (Heath) claims that he is not a racist, yet he does believe in keeping the races separate. He tries to come across as an intelligent person with ideas that are way out of the mainstream loop. And he doesn't do a horrible job at that, but when you look at the name of his youngest daughter, it becomes clear that he isn't exactly the sharpest tool in the shed. Hinler. Hinler? Did he mean Himmler? As in 'Heinrich Himmler'? Heinrich Himmler was the most powerful Nazi leader second only to one Adolf Hitler. So, this guy is so up on his German heritage and his World War Two and everything that he names the kid Hinler, which has nothing to do with not only German heritage or World War II, but with anything at all because it's not a name!! That is a pretty good indicator of the mental capacity that we're dealing with here. Yep.

So I'm sure that you won't be surprised to learn that on the 10th of this month "...officials from the New Jersey Division of Youth and Family Services took the three children into protective custody", so sayeth the folks over there at ABC. Of course the officials said that the removal of the children had "nothing to do with the kids' names." And maybe it didn't. Then again, maybe it did. I can't say for sure that naming your child 'Adolf Hitler' is 'child abuse' necessarily. But it certainly isn't done out of the best interest of the child, which is how, as a parent, you're supposed to be doing everything. In the best interest of the child, that is.

Any employer, even the most open minded employer, is going to think twice (unless they run a Nazi paraphernalia shop) about hiring someone named 'Adolf Hitler'. (No one will think twice about hiring someone named "JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell", provided she leaves her middle name off of her job apps. The other one though, "Honzslynn Hinler Jeannie Campbell", she just needs to go by "Jeannie". Or "Jean". "J.C." even. Anything but Honzslynn Hinler.) But aside from that, the kid is going to be relentlessly harassed because of his name. And the parents said that they " couldn't have imagined" that there would have been any issues over naming their son 'Adolf Hitler'. Yeah, shocker there.

I wonder what they (the tool parents) call the kid. Do they use the full "Adolf Hitler", as in "Adolf Hitler, it's time for bed!"? Or just "Adolf! Bedtime!"? It kind of makes a difference, but only between totally nuts and kind of/mostly nuts.

This is why I've always said that there is a reason for the middle name. The middle name is so you can name your kid whatever the heck you want to, but no one else has to know about it. Do you have a Great Aunt Murgatroid who saved your mother from certain death somehow and thereby warrants having the child named after her? You can go with little Hannah Murgatroid, no one will know. And little Hannah will just write an "M" if/when it comes up. The name is never uttered aloud because it's where? In the middle, that is correct. That's what it's for, I swear! So USE IT for its intended purpose!

So what have we learned? We've learned that Tom Cruise is still a bit wacky, though possibly not as wacky as the Germans who were reluctant to let him film a Nazi movie in Germany, home of the Nazi party, because of his ties to Scientology. We've learned that morons who are also arrogant will name their children after the leaders of said Nazi party and act like it's no big deal. Then their little dictator gets taken from them by the state and everyone wonders if it was because they named their child Adolf Hitler. And I find that line of wondering odd because just the fact that they would name their kid Adolf Hitler, doesn't that lead you to believe that there are other issues going on in that household that could possibly warrant outside intervention? I highly doubt that the only quirk that those folks have is their fondness for naming their offspring after murderous dictators.

Always missing the obvious, folks are. It's unfortunate.

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