Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Putting the Cap back in Capitol

I'm not exactly a fashion monger. Mongrel, perhaps. Monger? Not so much. But I do notice what people are wearing. I'm not a blind mongrel. I don't always notice the subtleties, but that's why I watch things like the inauguration with people who do notice them and who point them out to me so that I may mock them later. Thanks for that! And now, let the mocking begin.

There were a lot of hats at today's inauguration. A lot of hats. For me, my range of hats that I am familiar with is rather limited. I know of the knit beanie, the baseball cap and the cowboy hat as being the headwear that I am most aware of people putting on their heads frequently and in public. (It's the "in public" part of it that really makes all the difference. For all I know, the full feathered Indian chief headdress is also a quite popular decoration for one's noggin, but only in the privacy of one's own S&M dungeon. So that really doesn't count as far as "popular" in the realm of headwear. Carry on.) But I am not in Washington, DC, nor am I a politician. God, no, I'm not a politician! (I don't play one on TV and I didn't even stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night either.) Apparently, in DC, the headwear is different than the rest of the country. It's also different from the rest of people that are normal. Even the people that visit DC seem to feel the need to get in on the odd hat style. Behold! Politicians and famous people with lots of furry hats!

From the looks of things, the fur hat store must have had quite the run or quite the sale before the inauguration because everywhere the cameras were panning, there was someone that looked as if they had just been released from exile in the Ukraine. I halfway expected all of them to lock arms and do that one dance where everyone kicks their legs up and yells, "Hey!" (I'm guessing it's a jig of some sort, but that's pure speculation as I have zero training in jig identification.) But that's Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia up there sporting the fur top. And below is Rep. Charles Rangel who looks like he was just released from some sort of very patriotic mental institution.

I love the photo below, as it sports many hats and also displays a one Bill Clinton who is trying his hardest to not be either sad or angry that he is no longer the most popular President this country can remember. Don't be sad, Bill. You had a good run. We loved you even after that whole unfortunate incident between you and that intern was pointed out. You had a good run. Now, if you wouldn't mind, could you wake up Snore-y over there. Michelle Obama is trying to hear people speak at the inauguration of her husband.

There were also quite a few fedoras out there as well today. The last person I can recall seeing wearing a fedora was either in a photo or a pimp. (Truman favored the fedora, I believe. But he wasn't a pimp, so I guess it must have been Truman.) Here's Ted Kennedy sporting his fedora and seeming to have a great time, all pre-luncheon seizure. He looks like a somewhat perverted reporter from the 1930s. Or maybe he's just drunk again.

Celebrities were out in full force at the inauguration and they were not only sporting the furry hats, they were sporting fur in general. It was pointed out to me that there were a lot of people wearing fur at this event. I thought that we, as a people, had come to some sort of an understanding quite some time ago (and without the help of PETA, thank you very much) that fur was bad. I guess fur is bad to celebrities until they have to go someplace outside of Hollywood and Los Angeles. Then fur isn't bad as much as it is warm. At least, that's what the philosophy seemed to be given the amount of fur walking around that was not attached to an animal. ANYMORE.

Here we have Alicia Keys who is sporting some lovely and large black furry earmuffs. While I do enjoy Alicia Keys' music, I do not pay all that much attention to what she looks like and thus, I do not recall her ears being that large. Actually, I do not recall many people's ears being that large EVER. It's like two Firestone radial tires (round and run flat, of course) mated with some sort of forest creature and their offspring was that set of earmuffs! Actually, now that I think about it, I think she must have some sort of furry Princess Leia thing going on. The resemblance, seen below, is uncanny.

Here's Anne Hathaway sans fur, but with the fly-eye sunglasses and a lovely knit beret of sorts. She appears to have attended the inauguration sans crazy stalker boyfriend. Good move. That's change you can believe in right there, Anne.

Walking into greet change behind her is the head clad in fur that belongs to a one Rachel Leigh Cook. She's a good looking chick (whoever she is), but the fur ball on her noggin there is just off-putting, is what it is. You people don't need fur. There are other things that keep you warm. Microfleece for example. Um, is goose down "fur", per se? It's not really, but it is if you're the goose. I'll get back to you. I need a consultant for that one.

Beyonce and Jay Z showed up looking as if they got dressed in the dark. He and his humongous raccoon hat (quite possibly with the raccoon still attached) as he strives for a modern day, hip-hop Davy Crockett look. And she and her lacy, purple, fingerless right glove which she uses to wave at the throngs of admirers that she thinks that she has. It's either that or she's just waving off folks who don't recognize her and are trying to give her change. After all, that's what people were here for, right?

I don't know who the woman sitting behind Diddy (or whatever his name is on Wednesdays) is, but her furry hat looks to be modeled after the Crown Royal logo, only black instead of purple. It also looks to be the same fur that is lining Diddy's lapel. Perhaps someone fashioned him his jacket with the scraps from the woman's hat. I've gotta tell you, I'm not real big on the man fur thing. Men just shouldn't wear fur. I guess they can if they're a pimp, but men really shouldn't be pimps either, so I guess I'm right back at "Don't wear fur!" The natural blonde woman at the bottom of the photo looks to have gotten a bit carried away with the BeDazzler on that mushroom beret she's wearing there. As part of the "change" that we were promised, can that include banning the BeDazzler? Please?

Over on the right here we again have fur-lapeled Diddy who appears as if he is standing guard behind a one Denzel Washington who decided to come to the inauguration dressed as one of DC's homeless, it would appear. And standing next to Denzel, why, that's the late Redd Foxx, ladies and gentlemen! Back from grave for change!

If someone could point Don King there towards the nearest psychiatric facility, that would be some welcome change right there. What is wrong with that man?

This is Sting and his standing so close to him wife, Trudie Styler. Again, with a fur hat. Sting, to his credit, does not appear to be wearing any fur. Though the man has had some odd streaks in his lifetime. Fur boxers wouldn't be out of the question, but I'm not checking. I'll leave that up to Trudie. She looks like she already knows the answer, but also looks like she might enjoy the task.

Finally! My absolute favorite look from the day of change. And it's brought to us by filmmaker Spike Lee. Spike Lee appears to be wearing a baseball cap with two headdress-esque fur pieces cascading down from behind the brim. On TOP of that, he has pulled up and over his head what appears to be some sort of black Gortex hood that is lined with fur. Where in the hell did he find that get up? Or did he just make it in his garage out of old radial tires? Does he spend a lot of time at sea and the coat also acts as a life preserver in case of a maritime mishap? What is with that coat? Wait! I've got it!

It's very similar to the coat which made an appearance in an episode of Seinfeld. George's Gortex coat! I think that it's one and the same. Look at this:

If not the same coat, then definite the same designer and absolutely the same concept! Yo, Spike! "Change" means "different"! Your coat doesn't look much different than Costanza's there. No, in fact, you both look ridiculous. Warm you may be, but you look ridiculous.

Apparently, "change" included "fur". Who knew? Not I. Barry, I know you have a lot on your plate right now, but if you could get this change that has occurred to change back to the non-fur wearing, non-change it was before, that would be just great. Thanks. I appreciate that. Oh, and congratulations! I can't wait for the change that is distinctly remembered by some as being promised to us!

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johanna_office said...

About the fur hats - how do we know where the fur itself come from? Here is my article on fur trade, if you are interested in reading it.

Anonymous said...

Look again sweetie...that is not Beyonce's hand...she has on black gloves--the purple hand belongs to the lady standing next to Puffy---get a bigger picture and you'll get the big picture....I agree, however, those are trained animals sitting on Jay Z's head--classic

Mare said...

Hey, you're right! That isn't her hand. Duh. Thanks for pointing that out. I had thought it looked odd, but couldn't figure out why. Now I know.

I just don't understand what would possess a guy (technically, a man) to wear a fur hat like Jay Z or like any of the other "men" I saw there wearing fur hats. What makes a guy look at a fur hat and think, "I'd look good in THAT!" ? I have no idea.

Mare said...

Well, we do know where the fur comes from. It comes from animals. I read your article and while you have a point, I don't know that where the animal is brutally killed is all that relevant to the bigger picture (unless you're looking for someplace to protest in front of, in which case location is VERY relevant). The bigger picture is that wearing fur is wrong because animals are viciously killed to obtain the fur. But I am glad that you're against wearing fur. Thanks for reading!

Anonymous said...

that purple lace glove isn't beyonce's hand you fucking idiot. you don't need a bigger picture to tell. But yea, Jay-Z looks fuckin rediculous in that hat, I like the rest of his outfit though

Mare said...

Dude, do you really need to call me a fucking idiot? At least have the balls to call me a fucking idiot and not be Anonymous, you invisible coward. At least THAT I could somewhat respect.

And I didn't say that I needed a bigger picture to know that wasn't Beyonce's hand. The bigger picture comment was in regard to a completely different issue, that of slaughtering animals just for their fur. (This is where some might use the term "fucking idiot", but not me! I can be civil about things like this.)

Thanks for reading!