That Hat Is Back

The hat's back. WTF?

Yes, it's true. Aretha Franklin's Hat, known by some as Hattie (It's catchy. I like it.), is back in the news. Given the size of the thing, it's hard to say if it ever really left. Seriously, when the sunlight hit that thing and those little sparkly things (courtesy of The BeDazzler - Motown Edition) sparkled away, it was like a spy satellite had re-entered the atmosphere and landed atop the Queen of Soul's noggin there. If there is anything that exemplifies "home of the brave" more than that hat, I don't know what it is. But I do know you'd have to be brave to wear such a headcovering in public.

But I might be the only one who feels this way about Hattie. Apparently, the Smithsonian Institute wants the hat. Not to wear, for God sakes! They are putting together an exhibit about the inauguration and want to put the hat in it! The hat needs it's own exhibit. How are they going to fit anything else in there if the hat is there? A Smithsonian spokeswoman, a one Valeska Hilbig said, "We are definitely interested in Aretha’s hat. We have a large collection of American history that includes music and pop culture, and this just makes sense.” Oh, and that's where she's wrong because the last thing that the hat makes is sense!

The peachy folks down there at the Atlanta Journal Constitution are reporting that The Detroit News is reporting that Aretha said (geez, what is this? High school?) that she "...may not be able to part with it." Ah, I see. Because it's too big to get out the door? No? Huh. Interesting. Why then?

“It would be hard to part with my chapeau since it was such a crowning moment in history. I would like to smile every time I look back at it and remember what a great moment it was in American and African-American history. Ten cheers for President Obama.” What the hell is that? That's Aretha's statement she gave The Detroit News? All rightee then, let's take it from the top, shall we?

Look, you're not French. Chapeau? Oh, do you mean her HAT? I swear, people learn one French word that has that little accent sound to it (you know what I mean. When a word ends in a "u" but is pronounced like it's an "o". Sh-ah-pOH. People that love words that end in "u" generally have a hard time pronouncing words that end in the other 25 letters of the alphabet, so take it for what it's worth, will ya?) and the next thing you know, they're throwing the word around all over the place. "Oh, I think I'll need my chapeau for my visit to the chateau of my friend." Yeah, yeah, you need your hat when you go to your buddy's house. I got it. Speak English.) The other word that I've been hearing ever since Hattie sang at the inauguration is "millinery", which is a where hats are made. One who makes the hats is a "milliner" or, in the case of Hattie, a "fruitcake".

And yes, it was a crowning moment. That thing sat atop her head like a big ol' satellite looking crown is what it did. And she would like "to smile every time I look back at it"? Where is this hat? Is she just wearing it around the house now that the inauguration is over? It's not like she can try to get away with wearing it in public again and hope that no one notices! Google Earth would notice if no one else did!! Can't she "remember what a great moment it was in American and African-American history" without the physical presence of the hat? If not, that's going to be unfortunate and difficult if she's ever without the hat. What if someone asks her about what the inauguration was like from where she was? What's she going to say? "Hold on! I'll be right back! I've gotta get my hat and then I'll tell you aalllllll about it!"

Give the Smithsonian the damned hat. Otherwise it will look really silly when the exhibit has a empty large space the size of a piano crate where the hat was to have gone. It will look incomplete is what I'm trying to say.

The other thing I'm trying to say is what is up with the hat?! Apparently, the guy who crafted the hat, the milliner if you will (and if you won't, neither will I, deal?), is a one Mr. Luke Song of Mr. Song Millinery (catchy) in Detroit. Mr. Song says that he has been bombarded by phone calls from people wanting the hat!! For WHAT?! Wait a minute! How many people, you ask? Thousands of phone calls and at least 500 vendors want "the hat"! (Don't worry, Aretha. It won't be exactly like yours! No, these will have a satin ribbon bow, affixed to the hat with horsehair. Don't ask me how I know this crap. I ask myself that same question enough for both of us.) Mr. Song has a backlog of at least three to four weeks for "the hat"! Are you kidding me?! THAT hat?!

Aside from my really, really wanting to know who these people are and where in the hell they're going to wear "the hat" (Can you see yourself standing in line at the grocery store with someone in front of you wearing "the hat"? If in it's the 10 Items or Less line, that hat counts as three items by itself!), I have another question. It's about our "recession". You remember, the one President Barry is supposed to save us from? That's the one! These hats are $179. EACH!! And hundred of people are just willing to throw perfectly good money at Mr. Song in exchange for a satin bowed, BeDazzled headcovering? That's some recession we've got there. Is there some sort of a section in the Economic Stimulus Package that includes hats? Big, felt, bowed, sparkling hats? There should be! Apparently, if the Mr. Song situation is any indication, we could become a nation of milliners overnight if someone popped that into the Stimulus Package.

Maybe those folks who are willing to fork over the $179 for "the hat" are people that have lost their homes to foreclosure and now they're planning on moving into "the hat". Tough economic times, indeed.

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What Did She Say?

Again, congratulations to President Barry. And I'm not about to imply that he isn't President because of the debacle that was the administering of the oath. That's not it. There are just a couple of things I wanted to bring up in regards to the oath however. Well, the oath process more than the oath itself. The oath itself was fine. The process of administering the oath was a disaster.

Pretty much, Barry managed to raise his right hand correctly and have his other hand on the Bible. After that, it's all downhill. You wouldn't think that would be possible. The Presidential oath is only 37 words. I'd think it'd more than that. It definitely gives the incoming President way too much leeway and way too much credit for what he is or is not capable of doing. Here it is:

"I do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will faithfully execute the office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States."

See what I mean? It needs something in there like, 'Thou shalt not be a dumbass." ('Thou shalt nots' always makes things sound like you really need to do them.) "The best of my ability"? What kind of a promise is that? This is a person that was elected by the American people who are, by and large, idiots. It is not out of the realm of possibility that a complete moron was elected. (It's not like no one can argue that its never happened before!) What's the best of a moron's ability? Not good enough for me! That's what it is! But I digress.

When Chief Justice John Roberts is reciting what he thinks is the Oath of Office and gets it wrong, Barry stops and gives him a chance to correct himself. (I liked the subtle head nod that he gave him. No need to embarrass the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court before Barry is officially his boss or anything. Just a nod of the ol' noggin and Roberts caught on.) Roberts begins with, "I, Barack Hussein Obama" and then he pauses. Just briefly, but he pauses. And that seems to signal to Barry that it's his turn to repeat what Roberts just said. So just as Barry speaks, Roberts continues with "Do solemnly swear." I halfway expected Nelson from The Simpsons to jump out and yell, "Ha-HA!"

He attempts to continue by saying, "That I will execute the office to President of the United States faithfully" What the hell was that? "The office to President"? That's not the oath. That's not anything. That's just John Roberts making stuff up is what that is. Tell me, who in their right mind goes up to inaugurate a President (who could be Jesus, if you listen to his throngs of followers. Man, I'd love to have throngs of followers. Heck, I'd settle for just a throng.) for the very first time and doesn't have the shpiel written on a little notecard or a cocktail napkin or something? No one except for John Roberts, apparently! Is he going to apologize to President Barry for muffing it up? Probably only if he gets President Barry to say he's sorry for being the only "No" vote when Roberts was being confirmed for the Supreme Court. And I don't see that happenin', so I guess not!

But then, after Barry (he's not President at this point) waits for him to correct himself, then Barry goes and says it the way that Roberts phrased it the first time. That is also known as "the wrong way"! What was up with all of that? Quite possibly the worst Oath of Office ceremony ever. (And just so that administration didn't start off with a major conspiracy theory about whether or not he was actually President after that farce, Barry took the oath of office again on the following day. Probably a good idea, what with a bunch of slipshod bloggers out there whipping up who knows what kind of a frenzy over that one!)

And here's a question: Why is Barry so far away from John Roberts? Why are they not closer together? And why does the photo below make it appear as is Malia Obama is President of the United States, as she appears to be standing directly behind the podium?! I don't have a problem with it, I just find it funny. Does Malia have any ideas about the economy? Perhaps if her Dad tanks it, we can hear from her in the future.

But there's another part of Inauguration Day 2009 that hasn't been talked about much and that's really a shame because it's far more amusing that the oath blunders themselves.

First off, I just want to state that I really like Dianne Feinstein. She's an excellent Senator and does a fine job. I like the woman. That being said, when she introduced Chief Justice Roberts...? Um....I'm pretty sure she didn't say "...will administer the Oath of Office." Yeah, I'm fairly certain that she said "....will administer the Oaf of Office." I swear. I have listened to the clip at least twenty times and I have watched the video of her speaking to see if her mouth does the "f" sound or the "th" sound and it looks like the "f" sound. (Actually, that would be rather appropriate because when I first heard it live, I, too, used the "f" sound as I thought, "WTF? Did she say 'oaf' ?!"

The Oaf of Office? What the hell is up with that?! Barry isn't the Oaf of Office! The Oaf of Office is going back to Crawford, Texas as soon as this ceremony is over! He's the Oaf! Oaf?! Oaf??!! It's Oath!! Oath!! (I am naturally reminded of the scene in The Muppet Movie where Kermit is telling Miss Piggy about something that is a myth. "Myth! Myth!" he shouts. That's when a waitress pops out of nowhere. "Yes?" Hilarious.)

But all witty banter aside, how did she say 'oaf'? She speaks very clearly, makes more sense than most of the Senators, hasn't had a stroke, isn't crazy, isn't a reality show cast member, didn't seem drunk. I don't get it. Dianne Feinstein knows that it's "oath", doesn't she? She knows it's not "oaf", right? You be the judge. The video is below. (The video is from YouTube. It's not my editing, captioning, anything. It's just here.) The entire clip is 4 minutes and 16 seconds long, but Dianne Feinstein starts talking at about 10 seconds and she's already said "oaf of office" by the 23 second mark and John Roberts attempt to swear Barry into office is immediately after that. You can watch the rest if you'd like, but the key points are straight from the beginning and last about a minute. (I like efficiency, what can I say?)

It sounded like 'oaf'. It looked like 'oaf'. WTF, I think she said 'oaf'! Geez. Well, I'm glad that Barry was finally able to take the oath or oaf or whatever it was and is now our President. Can I just ask that the country be run a little smoother than the swearing in part? I don't need someone getting all confused and instead of saying "stimulus" they say "Depression". We don't need that sort of oaf in charge of getting things back on track around here.

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Now That's A Hat

Watch the inauguration? Did you see change? I saw a whole lot stuff! Some stuff I definitely recognized as change. I saw President Barry as a guy who was cool and slick and having the time of his life, all the while with a slight look on his face that said, "Can you effing believe this?" That is total change from the guy that always sounded as if he was reading from a script that someone else wrote and handed to him ten seconds before he opened his mouth. President Barry was "change" from that! And that's awesome. Because I don't care who you are, if you're in the position that he was in, with millions (literally) of people standing ten deep in some places, screaming your name and you don't have a hit movie, TV show or an album? I couldn't effing believe that was happening and it wasn't even happening to me! I can only imagine how he felt! I'm pretty sure his life wasn't like that before he was President, so that too, seems like change. Now, the other stuff, well, I don't know if that stuff is "change" or not, but it's different! And I wish it would change. Soon. You know what I'm talking about. You know you saw it.

Did you see it? If you didn't see it, you heard about it, right? It was practically the first thing I heard about. (NO, I didn't miss any of it. I was on time (for once) to my place of viewing (Note to Barry: When you save this country's sorry ass and are re-elected in four years, could your next inauguration start a wee bit later. 9 am on the left coast is a little early. It's hard to get too riled up for change when your main concern is re-gaining consciousness via coffee and a muffin.) And when I saw it, I knew it couldn't be thrown into a post with all of the others. No, this needed to be addressed on it's own merit (if it had any). It was that big. Literally. You know what I mean. That's right. Aretha Franklin's hat. Behold.

Oh, what the hell is that? It looks like that hat was fashioned in a way similar to that of trussing a turkey. It's at least as large as a turkey! It's almost as large as Aretha. Did the Secret Service OK that hat, because I was thinking it could be a threat to national security. How is anyone going to see anything with that bobbing all over the place? It would have needed it's very own Secret Service agent. Hell, it needed it's own zip code. What is it trying to say? I know what I was trying to say when I saw it (as I did have a difficult time forming words at first)! Take. It. Off.

Now, to be sort of fair (well, observant, really), Aretha seems to have a pattern that I've noticed of wearing things that are not exactly what I would call "flattering" for a lady. Or for Aretha. She seems to wear things that are definitely one of a kind items that will draw a bit of attention from anyone with a camera (or a sketchpad). And she wears these things to events that will be seen by millions. She doesn't exactly blend in with the crowd is what I'm trying to say. (She is the crowd in a lot of cases. "A lot" meaning "all".) She is considered to be the "Queen of Soul", but from the looks of it, she could also be considered the California King of Soul as well. Behold!

That is a large woman wearing something that she should not be. And I am not making fun of the majorly girthed. She could have a slow metabolism, I realize that. Or no metabolism, from the looks of it. (From the looks of it, she might owe someone a metabolism or two.) But when you are a public figure or someone that the public knows who you are, you have to expect that people will a) notice you and b) pay attention to you when you're out. (I'm not saying it's fair or right, it's just how it is.) And if "a" and "b" are happening and you wear something like "the hat", expect that "a" and "b" will double or, in the case of Aretha, triple in size. It's just how it is.

But I'm not trying to be mean, I'm trying to make a point. And ask a few questions. I'll start with "What the hell?!" What's the thought process of someone choosing that hat? "Hmmm....I need something for the inauguration. I'm thinking something wool (hope it doesn't rain). Possibly gray, definitely with diamonds. I enjoy a large bow. Hmmm....if only there was a way to have all of those things combined into one very large inaugural hat outfit!" I can't imagine that's it. Nor can I imagine the thought process of someone making that hat. "Hmmm...I sure to have a lot of left over gray wool and little tiny diamonds. There's only enough here to make either one large hat or a bunch of studded blankets for the homeless shelter. What to do, what to do? Oh, my God! I know! Aretha!" I don't think that's it either.

It's what I call a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup Moment Gone Awry. It is NOT two great things that go great together. It's two great things! Great big things! But they don't go great together. A lot of people have things end badly when they just assume that if both things are great that together they will be great. Not so, my friend. Not so.

But as a public figure, some people in the public do look to these events for ideas about fashion. After all, these are celebrities and if they're wearing it, it has to be good right? Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. That's my main problem with "the hat". First of all, if it's at the point that it is now where you can just say "the hat" and people know what you're talking about, something has gone terribly wrong. But second, what if people start thinking that "the hat" is "the style"? Seriously! That would be a problem! What if everyone went for "the hat" look? What would have happened if others had "the hat"? I'll show you! Ahem...Behold! What might have been!

Oh, well, that's not good. (Aw, Hill. Sorry ya lost. Before you start jaunting off to other lands as Secretary of State, you really must do something about that eye-popping thing you have going on when you're (acting) surprised to see someone. You're going to frighten foreign dignitaries. With or without the hat.)

That isn't much better. Ol' Bush senior up there with....is that the Quaker Oats guy? Oh, no. Whoops. Sorry. No, that's Mrs. Bush! Mrs. Got it.


Do you see what could have happened? Look at poor One Term Jimmy there sportin' the hat. Not a good look. It's just sad is what it is. (And I would really like to know more about the bloke in the lower left hand corner of that shot. What's with the red fedora, sir?

The really sad part about the photo above is that the hat actually looks like it's supposed to be on Barbara Bush. (Huh. Even after Jenna got hitched, her and Barbara still go everywhere together. Interesting. I'm guessing it has something to do with the fact that she can make that hat work.)

Arnold and Gavin up there look like a couple of old lesbians out for a day on the town. Either that or a couple of old lesbians sorting laundry.

Just look at John McCain below. Is it any wonder that he lost with that scowl? He looks as if he is either dying or about to have a movement the size of Mount Rushmore.

Look at those adorable little Obama girls. Fortunately, they have not been permanently marred by the hat. I firmly believe in the need to have our President's daughters hatless throughout the administration. Just say no. No to the hat.

President Barry is way too cool for the hat. And it was just wrong to have Abe try on the hat. Besides, he rocks the stovepipe all the way.

What have we learned? Plenty, that's right. First, if you're going to be in public, dress appropriately and I'm not just talking about "for the weather", either. Second, if we're ever a public figure, we need to take that responsibility seriously. And third, never, ever wear a freaking hat like Aretha's. Never. And finally, if you're going to change something, change your hat to something a little less conspicuous, a little smaller, something that won't draw so much attention to you and/or it. A fully inflated beach ball, perhaps.

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Putting the Cap back in Capitol

I'm not exactly a fashion monger. Mongrel, perhaps. Monger? Not so much. But I do notice what people are wearing. I'm not a blind mongrel. I don't always notice the subtleties, but that's why I watch things like the inauguration with people who do notice them and who point them out to me so that I may mock them later. Thanks for that! And now, let the mocking begin.

There were a lot of hats at today's inauguration. A lot of hats. For me, my range of hats that I am familiar with is rather limited. I know of the knit beanie, the baseball cap and the cowboy hat as being the headwear that I am most aware of people putting on their heads frequently and in public. (It's the "in public" part of it that really makes all the difference. For all I know, the full feathered Indian chief headdress is also a quite popular decoration for one's noggin, but only in the privacy of one's own S&M dungeon. So that really doesn't count as far as "popular" in the realm of headwear. Carry on.) But I am not in Washington, DC, nor am I a politician. God, no, I'm not a politician! (I don't play one on TV and I didn't even stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night either.) Apparently, in DC, the headwear is different than the rest of the country. It's also different from the rest of people that are normal. Even the people that visit DC seem to feel the need to get in on the odd hat style. Behold! Politicians and famous people with lots of furry hats!

From the looks of things, the fur hat store must have had quite the run or quite the sale before the inauguration because everywhere the cameras were panning, there was someone that looked as if they had just been released from exile in the Ukraine. I halfway expected all of them to lock arms and do that one dance where everyone kicks their legs up and yells, "Hey!" (I'm guessing it's a jig of some sort, but that's pure speculation as I have zero training in jig identification.) But that's Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia up there sporting the fur top. And below is Rep. Charles Rangel who looks like he was just released from some sort of very patriotic mental institution.

I love the photo below, as it sports many hats and also displays a one Bill Clinton who is trying his hardest to not be either sad or angry that he is no longer the most popular President this country can remember. Don't be sad, Bill. You had a good run. We loved you even after that whole unfortunate incident between you and that intern was pointed out. You had a good run. Now, if you wouldn't mind, could you wake up Snore-y over there. Michelle Obama is trying to hear people speak at the inauguration of her husband.

There were also quite a few fedoras out there as well today. The last person I can recall seeing wearing a fedora was either in a photo or a pimp. (Truman favored the fedora, I believe. But he wasn't a pimp, so I guess it must have been Truman.) Here's Ted Kennedy sporting his fedora and seeming to have a great time, all pre-luncheon seizure. He looks like a somewhat perverted reporter from the 1930s. Or maybe he's just drunk again.

Celebrities were out in full force at the inauguration and they were not only sporting the furry hats, they were sporting fur in general. It was pointed out to me that there were a lot of people wearing fur at this event. I thought that we, as a people, had come to some sort of an understanding quite some time ago (and without the help of PETA, thank you very much) that fur was bad. I guess fur is bad to celebrities until they have to go someplace outside of Hollywood and Los Angeles. Then fur isn't bad as much as it is warm. At least, that's what the philosophy seemed to be given the amount of fur walking around that was not attached to an animal. ANYMORE.

Here we have Alicia Keys who is sporting some lovely and large black furry earmuffs. While I do enjoy Alicia Keys' music, I do not pay all that much attention to what she looks like and thus, I do not recall her ears being that large. Actually, I do not recall many people's ears being that large EVER. It's like two Firestone radial tires (round and run flat, of course) mated with some sort of forest creature and their offspring was that set of earmuffs! Actually, now that I think about it, I think she must have some sort of furry Princess Leia thing going on. The resemblance, seen below, is uncanny.






Here's Anne Hathaway sans fur, but with the fly-eye sunglasses and a lovely knit beret of sorts. She appears to have attended the inauguration sans crazy stalker boyfriend. Good move. That's change you can believe in right there, Anne.

Walking into greet change behind her is the head clad in fur that belongs to a one Rachel Leigh Cook. She's a good looking chick (whoever she is), but the fur ball on her noggin there is just off-putting, is what it is. You people don't need fur. There are other things that keep you warm. Microfleece for example. Um, is goose down "fur", per se? It's not really, but it is if you're the goose. I'll get back to you. I need a consultant for that one.

Beyonce and Jay Z showed up looking as if they got dressed in the dark. He and his humongous raccoon hat (quite possibly with the raccoon still attached) as he strives for a modern day, hip-hop Davy Crockett look. And she and her lacy, purple, fingerless right glove which she uses to wave at the throngs of admirers that she thinks that she has. It's either that or she's just waving off folks who don't recognize her and are trying to give her change. After all, that's what people were here for, right?



I don't know who the woman sitting behind Diddy (or whatever his name is on Wednesdays) is, but her furry hat looks to be modeled after the Crown Royal logo, only black instead of purple. It also looks to be the same fur that is lining Diddy's lapel. Perhaps someone fashioned him his jacket with the scraps from the woman's hat. I've gotta tell you, I'm not real big on the man fur thing. Men just shouldn't wear fur. I guess they can if they're a pimp, but men really shouldn't be pimps either, so I guess I'm right back at "Don't wear fur!" The natural blonde woman at the bottom of the photo looks to have gotten a bit carried away with the BeDazzler on that mushroom beret she's wearing there. As part of the "change" that we were promised, can that include banning the BeDazzler? Please?

Over on the right here we again have fur-lapeled Diddy who appears as if he is standing guard behind a one Denzel Washington who decided to come to the inauguration dressed as one of DC's homeless, it would appear. And standing next to Denzel, why, that's the late Redd Foxx, ladies and gentlemen! Back from grave for change!

If someone could point Don King there towards the nearest psychiatric facility, that would be some welcome change right there. What is wrong with that man?

This is Sting and his standing so close to him wife, Trudie Styler. Again, with a fur hat. Sting, to his credit, does not appear to be wearing any fur. Though the man has had some odd streaks in his lifetime. Fur boxers wouldn't be out of the question, but I'm not checking. I'll leave that up to Trudie. She looks like she already knows the answer, but also looks like she might enjoy the task.

Finally! My absolute favorite look from the day of change. And it's brought to us by filmmaker Spike Lee. Spike Lee appears to be wearing a baseball cap with two headdress-esque fur pieces cascading down from behind the brim. On TOP of that, he has pulled up and over his head what appears to be some sort of black Gortex hood that is lined with fur. Where in the hell did he find that get up? Or did he just make it in his garage out of old radial tires? Does he spend a lot of time at sea and the coat also acts as a life preserver in case of a maritime mishap? What is with that coat? Wait! I've got it!

It's very similar to the coat which made an appearance in an episode of Seinfeld. George's Gortex coat! I think that it's one and the same. Look at this:

If not the same coat, then definite the same designer and absolutely the same concept! Yo, Spike! "Change" means "different"! Your coat doesn't look much different than Costanza's there. No, in fact, you both look ridiculous. Warm you may be, but you look ridiculous.

Apparently, "change" included "fur". Who knew? Not I. Barry, I know you have a lot on your plate right now, but if you could get this change that has occurred to change back to the non-fur wearing, non-change it was before, that would be just great. Thanks. I appreciate that. Oh, and congratulations! I can't wait for the change that is distinctly remembered by some as being promised to us!

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