Saturday, January 31, 2009

Words of the Week

It hasn't been too bad of a week for people to say things that either make me laugh or make me wonder how the person has managed to keep themselves alive all of these years. It's also made me realize what a clueless, fast talking snake Nancy Pelosi is. How did she get to be Speaker of the House? How? How did that happen?! From what I can tell, there is no one more pleased with Nancy Pelosi than Nancy Pelosi. But, then again, I don't think her level of expectation is all the high know. Take that for what it's worth. (Nothing. It's worth NOTHING.)

"And then I thought about Mandela, Dr. King, Gandhi and, uh, and try to put some perspective in all of this." - The now former Governor of Illinois, Rod Blagojevich when he was on his whirlwind morning television media tour before his impeachment trial began. The man is being charged with corruption up the wazoo (and if you've ever had corruption up your wazoo, you know it's not pretty) and he not only has the balls to deny the charges on every single TV show that will have him as he plays the victim role, he also compares himself to Nelson Mandela?! Dr. Martin Luther King?! Freaking Gandhi?!? Yeah, they're the same.

"We do encourage breast feeding a lot. And she is planning to breast feed the babies." - That from one of the doctors who delivered the octuplets that were born in Southern California this week. Um, being female, I'm going to do the anatomical math here. Let's see, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven...eight. Eight children. Just a Two breasts. Yep, that's going to be a problem. It's breast feeding, not udder feeding. Good luck with that.

"And as we rounded the corner, I saw one of the angriest and ugliest women I have ever seen in my life. Oh, she was really bad. She charged my car with a sign...held the sign right up to the car window that said, "STAY OUT OF MY WOMB!" NO problem, lady! No problem." - That's George H.W. Bush speaking to some group of people somewhere this week. That's hilarious. Now that guy can tell a pretty good story. Too bad his son didn't inherit that trait.

"Can you imagine what they would do to me if I told that joke that he just told?" - A one Bill Clinton, lamenting that just because he slept with that ONE intern (that we know about) the topic of women as joke material and/or fodder is off limits for him, but free game for anyone else. Hey, Bill! Just be glad no one knows about the others, all right? You wouldn't get to speak about anything if that got out! (Oh, but I kid! There's no "proof" that he was trading cigars with anyone else whilst he was President. Nope. None. Then again, there's no "proof" that his wife has a human soul, but..well, you see what I'm saying, right?)

"If you're saying those things, you should be WAY hotter." - Seth Myers from Saturday Night Live on David Letterman's little late night show. Seth was comparing Joe Biden to one of those really hot women that tend to say inappropriate things and whose husband/boyfriend/escort/whatever always has to give them some sort of a sign to pipe down. Seth mentioned Obama has this little hand move that he does when Biden has said just about enough. And then he said that quote is probably what runs through Obama's mind when Biden starts to go off on one of his ten minute tangents. (We might not have W in the White House anymore to feed us an endless supply of amusing verbage, but I have the feeling ol' Veep Biden will do just fine.)

"Well, the family planning services reduce cost...They reduce COST. The states are in terrible...fiscal, uh, budget crises now and part of what we do for children's health...for education...for some of those elements is to help the their financial needs... One of those, uh, one of the initiatives you mentioned, the contraception, is...will reduce costs to the states and to the federal government." (Nod...Nod...Nod.)" - That blather from a one snakelike creature, Nancy Pelosi, in response to George Stephanopoulus's question as to how on earth contraception (which was in the new "stimulus package") will stimulate the economy. Yep. THAT was her answer. What the hell?! That answer is what I am referring to as an iPod Shuffle answer. You know how you can put your iPod on 'Shuffle' and it just plays random songs for you? That's how Nancy Pelosi formed her answer. She put her vocabulary on shuffle and those words flew out of her mouth! It's the head nodding that just slays me. It's as if she is trying to get George to agree with her simply because he sees her head moving in that up and down direction and will think, "Oh! Nodding! I know nodding! Nodding is good! Good! Good!!" Ugh.

And finally...."Apostrophes denote possessions that are no longer accurate, and are not needed. More importantly, they confuse people. If I want to go to a restaurant, I don't want to have an A-level (high school diploma) in English to find it." - This said by a one Councilor Martin Mullaney of Birmingham on why the second largest city in England has decided to drop the use of the apostrophe from all street signs. Their rationale is that it's confusing. Given Mr. Mullaney's explanation, I'm confused. I'm confused as to why they're removing the apostrophe from street signs, but he's telling us about needing a high school diploma in order to read a menu at a restaurant. Yes, I can see how the apostrophe would contribute to your getting so confused that you're ordering your food off of a street sign. What does that have to do with anything? Where is this restaurant with the overly confusing menu? Einstein's Cafe? Quantum Physics Deli? Where?

We're doomed.

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