Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Please Stay Within Your Own Species

I was going to write about the freaking stimulus bill and how we can all just kiss our hard earned cash, along with our ass, goodbye. While I really love this system of government we have over here, I'm going to need a bit more convincing that it's a good idea to have a Congress where only 15% of the members have some sort of formal schooling in the field of economics, is making decisions that involve almost a trillion dollars (Yes, that's "trillion" with a "t". "T" as in "There goes my money."). I've decided that what would make me more comfortable is if when these Congress people are explaining what they want to do with the money to stimulate the economy, they need to show me a chart (with at least three colors) that explains how their little plan is going to work. That's all I want. Show me how it's going to do anything, anything at all, and I'm in. Doesn't matter what kind of chart. Bar. Graph. Pie. (Mmmmm...pie.) Any kind of chart will do. Who do I talk to?

But I decided I'm too angry to write about the stimulus bill. So instead, I'm going with the stand-by topic that never fails. That's right, I'm going with the penis. (There's a sentence I never thought I'd write.)

And here's today's tale of someone getting at least exactly what they deserved. Over yonder there in Moscow, a one 44-year old, drunken Alexander Kirilov was feeling the need for some lovin' in the midst of his drunken stupor. So, he did what no one would do and decided to rape a raccoon. Wait. What?

That's correct. A raccoon. Now, for those of you who are unfamiliar with the raccoon, they are definitely not intended for cross breeding. Just ask the raccoon! No, they're just an annoying animal that will get into your trash cans and make a mess. They look adorable until they decide that they want to kill you by using their razor sharp claws to remove all of the flesh from your face and then that's when you notice that they bear a striking resemblance to the devil. (Just a little side note here from a bit of personal experience I've had with raccoons: Two raccoons doing it in your backyard at 5am make a hell of a lot of noise. Good Lord, what is he doing to her?! She doesn't sound happy about it. Pipe down! We're sleeping!)

But back to the Coon Raper. According to a one fabulously saucy The Sun, Alexander the Drunken and Perverted Idiot decided he was going to have sex with the raccoon. The raccoon, on the other hand, had different plans. As Alexander moved in to begin, um, wooing (???) the raccoon, the raccoon moved in on him and began, um, biting off his penis, that is correct!

The Sun reports that he told the completely stunned casualty surgeons in Moscow, "When I saw the raccoon I thought I’d have some fun.” Did you now? Huh. Is that what you had in mind, you sick and twisted crap weasel you? A little penis munching by a nocturnal mammal? What? No?! Well, then you got yourself a surprise, didn't you? Yeah, I can imagine.

Look, I've been drunk before. I've been really drunk before. Nothing wrong with a little drunkenness every once in a while. (Every once in a while = 5pm nightly) But I've never been have-sex-with-a-raccoon-for-fun drunk ever. Not many have, I would imagine. (Thank God.)

The Sun reports that "Now Russian plastic surgeons are trying to restore his mangled manhood." His mangled manhood. Wow. You don't want you manhood mangled. No, siree. You definitely do not want that. (Though "Mangled Manhood" would be a pretty good name for a band.) And according to "a pal",He’s been told they can get things working again but they can’t sew back on what the raccoon bit off." No, you sure can't sew it back on, can you?

So, what exactly would be left to "work again" I wonder? The little stump ranger that's left? How might you explain that to any future, um, women (Humans! They must be human at the very least!) that you use that charming personality of yours to lure them into your bed? You're going to have to come up with a pretty good story because I'll tell you this, if you tell that chick, "Oh, it's nothing. It was just bitten off by this raccoon that I tried to rape one night when I was drunk. C'mere, baby." your "date" there is over! Over and she's gone! If the door to the bedroom was shut, there will be a hole shaped like your date in the door after she bolts through it like a cartoon character (complete with that scrambling feet sound and a cloud of smoke left in her wake).

That being said, he's going to have to get pretty good at using that thing again. Though I don't imagine he was all that suave with it before it was gnawed off. I mean, come on, he was trying to stick it in a raccoon. (Maybe it was his first day.)
The "pal" also stated the obvious when expressing his lack of optimism about the reconstruction of his pal's mangled manhood. “That’s gone forever so there isn’t going to be much for them to work with." True. When something is "gone forever" you really don't have it around anymore, do you? Boy, that guy's a genius just like his buddy there. Where was he when Alexander went a-coonin'? Off flirting with squirrels? Hitting on Bambi? Who knows? (I wouldn't be messing with the squirrels. They get as mean as that raccoon did. They might not leave you with anything. Could end up all concave down there, fellas. And no one wants that. Not even the squirrel.)

And there you have it. So, what have we learned? Not one freaking thing that we didn't already know, that is correct! Never try to do a raccoon, lest you want your manhood mangled and missing. That is all.

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