Friday, January 30, 2009

The Human Nunchucks of Crime


I know it's still just January, but I'm pretty sure I have a winner for Dumbest Criminals of the Year. It's an instance of life imitating the Three Stooges, except there were only two of them. It's a glaring example of how important it is to really think things through before you do them and, more importantly in this case, while you're doing them. And it also goes to show that criminals always seem to think that they're smarter than they really are.

From the charming folks across the pond at The Telegraph we are taken to New Zealand where this tale unfolds. It's the tale of two criminal morons. A one Regan Reti, age 20, and a one Tiranara White, age 21. (Tiranara? Got yourself some NFL aspirations there, do you?) Aww...so young and so dumb. Shame. Anyway, these two Einsteins were at the Hastings District Court on New Zealand's North Island. (Why they feel the need to get overly detailed with the location is beyond me. I don't know where the North Island of New Zealand is and I'm not looking it up, either. I can get the full effect of the story without knowing that. "Outside" would have been a fine description for me.) They were apparently leaving the courthouse after Reti had just been "...sent to prison for more than two years after being convicted of assault" and White had been "...in custody for allegedly stealing a car and violating his parole conditions." Clearly not the brightest bulbs on the tree, those two.

And due to their combined dimness, the pair decided to make a break for it and run. Did I mention that they were chained together? Yeah, they were. Handcuffed together. Now, picture Larry and Curly or Moe or even Shemp in this situation. They're handcuffed together, they're running from the police, they're in public and obstacles abound. But what they forget is that they are not going to be defying the physical properties of the handcuffs, no matter how fast they run. No will they be able to escape from their latest arch nemesis, The Pole.


According to a one Sergeant Greig, "As they were being led from the Hastings police cells ... they made a bolt for freedom. They fell over and they were sprayed with pepper spray. But they got up and ran out of the court onto the street, across the road to a car park. That's where they met the pole – it was all over, Rover." I love the New Zealander police! It was all over, Rover. Excellent color commentary, my dear man. Simply excellent.

He's right about Rover, though. It was all over. They slammed into that pole, one numbnut on one side of it and the other numbnut on the opposite side and when the chain hit as they were running at full speed, hilarity did ensue. They flew around that pole in opposite directions like human nunchucks. Add some Three Stooges-esque sound effects and some popcorn and you've got yourself a very entertaining 45 seconds or so. One New Zealand news station reported that "it was one of the worst escape attempts ever seen." I'd have to agree.

Ah, stupidity. It really is the most effective tool in the arsenal in the fight against crime. The video is below. I highly recommend giving it a gander. It's good stuff.




And if you don't feel like you've had your share of people chained together trying to escape from custody, you're in luck because morons who get themselves arrested and try this stunt are abundant! (Apparently. Who knew?) Over there at TRUtv (via that link) they have a video of what they are billing as "The Worst Jail Break Ever" and I'd have to agree with them. Now those Crazy Canucks (they're attempting this feat in Ontario) that tried escaping in that instance had the full cast for a Three Stooges re-enactment. That's right. Not one. Not two. But three. Three morons! All chained together like Idiots on Display! Their nemesis? That tireless combatant of evil and defender of justice, The Pole!

After watching that video, it had me wondering if there was some sort of underground society of moronic criminals where they sit around (probably chained together) and give each other bad advice because the exact same thing happened to these three jokers as it did to the mates down there in New Zealand. Run, run, run. Spread out right before y'all reach the pole. Run your chain into the pole at full speed. Fly around the pole a bit before crashing into each other and falling to the ground. Ah, yes. An afternoon cartoon at its finest.

The cop that untangled them from each other (and the pole) said it best when he told them, "You also have the right to remain stupid." They apparently opted in. Enjoy prison, dumbasses. Be wary of any large metal objects firmly cemented into the ground, especially if you're running with another human being chained to you at the time.

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