How Not To Smuggle Drugs Into Prison

A father should be willing to do anything for his son, shouldn't he? Theoretically? Probably. But I'm pretty sure that there's a line even with the father-son relationship. Pretty sure. I'm not a father and I don't have a son, but if I did have a son, I think that he'd have to go without his black tar heroin in prison if it meant that I (as the hypothetical father) would have to smuggle it into the prison shoved up my arse and then remove it to transfer it to my son via an open-mouthed kiss. Wait. What?

That's the story out of Colorado that we learn from CBS8 in San Diego. Go figure. It would seem that a one 29-year old Donald Curtis Denney was serving time in a Colorado prison for robberies that he committed in San Diego in 2006. Now, you might wonder how this man could have gone so astray in his life, but when you hear about his father, it will all be crystal clear.

See, the father and the son spent two years coming up with an ingenious plan to smuggle some black tar heroin into the prison. (I don't know what makes that any different from regular heroin or if it is what is in the highest demand in prisons these days, but they felt the need to mention it, so I'm guessing there is some sort of a significance to it.) Two years. Two years to come up with this plan. I'm so shocked that it was thwarted. I don't know. Maybe they would have gotten away with it if they hadn't been planning their idiotic (and extremely disgusting) scheme during phone conversations which, because the son was in prison, were monitored. That's right. They could have just walked up to the authorities and told them of their plan and saved themselves a whole lot of time.

Aside from that, you'd think that after two years of planning, you're going to come up with something at least halfway decent. Not in this case. Nooooo. After two years, the best that these guys could come up with AND what they ended up agreeing upon was for the dad to shove a golf ball sized piece of this black tar heroin up his arse and get it into the prison that way. How is that going to help anyone when it still has to be transferred from anus to prisoner? It's not like they didn't think of that! Come on! Give them a little credit! They planned for the dad to take it out of his rectal region, put it in his mouth and then give his son a big ol' open mouthed kiss and transfer it that way. Oh. God.

Two years?! What in the hell were the plans that they decided against? What wasn't as brilliant as the plan that they settled upon?! What? Were other ideas just too disgusting or something? I like to think of the arse as an "out only" instrument. Only out! ONLY. OUT. But this guy thought otherwise. Not only did he think otherwise, he saw nothing wrong with taking what does come out (after it had been inserted in) and putting it in his mouth. What in the world is wrong with some people?

I have absolutely no idea how the guy planned to get it from Point A(rse) to Point B(ehind tongue). I also have absolutely no idea why CBS8 decided that it would be a good idea to interview the father's neighbor. Said the neighbor, a one Mike V., "I felt so disgusted and would never imagine taking something out of my butt and putting it in my mouth in the first place, but to kiss my own child -- it wouldn't happen." Well said. Then again, the open-mouthed kissing of an adult child would be the least of my concerns. My main concern would be the fecal covered object in someone's mouth, really. But Mike seems more concerned about the kissing. To each their own, I suppose, but that would be secondary.

All was foiled when they did a body cavity search on Mr. Denney when he went to visit his son. That's what happens when you make stupid-ass plans over phone lines that are being monitored (you know, because you're in prison) and then go through with them. Yep. That's exactly what happens. And in case you're wondering, Mr. Denney, Sr. looks just exactly how you'd expect him to look. Behold!

Good Lord. It's like Popeye on crack. Don't do drugs, kids! And for God's sake, don't put them up your arse and then in your mouth and then go around kissing someone in prison in an attempt to transfer said drugs. Just don't.

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The Human Nunchucks of Crime

I know it's still just January, but I'm pretty sure I have a winner for Dumbest Criminals of the Year. It's an instance of life imitating the Three Stooges, except there were only two of them. It's a glaring example of how important it is to really think things through before you do them and, more importantly in this case, while you're doing them. And it also goes to show that criminals always seem to think that they're smarter than they really are.

From the charming folks across the pond at The Telegraph we are taken to New Zealand where this tale unfolds. It's the tale of two criminal morons. A one Regan Reti, age 20, and a one Tiranara White, age 21. (Tiranara? Got yourself some NFL aspirations there, do you?) Aww...so young and so dumb. Shame. Anyway, these two Einsteins were at the Hastings District Court on New Zealand's North Island. (Why they feel the need to get overly detailed with the location is beyond me. I don't know where the North Island of New Zealand is and I'm not looking it up, either. I can get the full effect of the story without knowing that. "Outside" would have been a fine description for me.) They were apparently leaving the courthouse after Reti had just been "...sent to prison for more than two years after being convicted of assault" and White had been "...in custody for allegedly stealing a car and violating his parole conditions." Clearly not the brightest bulbs on the tree, those two.

And due to their combined dimness, the pair decided to make a break for it and run. Did I mention that they were chained together? Yeah, they were. Handcuffed together. Now, picture Larry and Curly or Moe or even Shemp in this situation. They're handcuffed together, they're running from the police, they're in public and obstacles abound. But what they forget is that they are not going to be defying the physical properties of the handcuffs, no matter how fast they run. No will they be able to escape from their latest arch nemesis, The Pole.

According to a one Sergeant Greig, "As they were being led from the Hastings police cells ... they made a bolt for freedom. They fell over and they were sprayed with pepper spray. But they got up and ran out of the court onto the street, across the road to a car park. That's where they met the pole – it was all over, Rover." I love the New Zealander police! It was all over, Rover. Excellent color commentary, my dear man. Simply excellent.

He's right about Rover, though. It was all over. They slammed into that pole, one numbnut on one side of it and the other numbnut on the opposite side and when the chain hit as they were running at full speed, hilarity did ensue. They flew around that pole in opposite directions like human nunchucks. Add some Three Stooges-esque sound effects and some popcorn and you've got yourself a very entertaining 45 seconds or so. One New Zealand news station reported that "it was one of the worst escape attempts ever seen." I'd have to agree.

Ah, stupidity. It really is the most effective tool in the arsenal in the fight against crime. The video is below. I highly recommend giving it a gander. It's good stuff.

And if you don't feel like you've had your share of people chained together trying to escape from custody, you're in luck because morons who get themselves arrested and try this stunt are abundant! (Apparently. Who knew?) Over there at TRUtv (via that link) they have a video of what they are billing as "The Worst Jail Break Ever" and I'd have to agree with them. Now those Crazy Canucks (they're attempting this feat in Ontario) that tried escaping in that instance had the full cast for a Three Stooges re-enactment. That's right. Not one. Not two. But three. Three morons! All chained together like Idiots on Display! Their nemesis? That tireless combatant of evil and defender of justice, The Pole!

After watching that video, it had me wondering if there was some sort of underground society of moronic criminals where they sit around (probably chained together) and give each other bad advice because the exact same thing happened to these three jokers as it did to the mates down there in New Zealand. Run, run, run. Spread out right before y'all reach the pole. Run your chain into the pole at full speed. Fly around the pole a bit before crashing into each other and falling to the ground. Ah, yes. An afternoon cartoon at its finest.

The cop that untangled them from each other (and the pole) said it best when he told them, "You also have the right to remain stupid." They apparently opted in. Enjoy prison, dumbasses. Be wary of any large metal objects firmly cemented into the ground, especially if you're running with another human being chained to you at the time.

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Austrian Audacity

Some people just don't get it. Case in point: Josef Fritzl. Fritzl (who needs to buy another vowel), is the 73-year old Austrian a-hole who kept his daughter locked in the cellar for 24 years whilst he raped her repeatedly and fathered her SEVEN children (all given birth in the basement prison). Three of the children had never seen daylight before they were finally rescued a couple of months ago. (By the way, "never seen daylight" doesn't mean "never went outside". It means, literally, what it says. They had spent their entire lives in a windowless basement and had never seen daylight. That is a concept that I highly doubt any of us could even remotely envision.) Austrian a-hole is really the mildest moniker I could come up with and it doesn't even come close to how I really feel about the dude.

Anyway, Fritzl has been under arrest for the past 2 months. Correct. TWO months. TWO months ago he was arrested. TWO months ago he was jailed. TWO months ago he was jailed for keeping his own daughter locked in his basement continuously for twenty four years. Well, after TWO MONTHS, he's decided he's had enough. According to the fine folks across the pond at The Telegraph, Fritzl "has asked permission to leave his prison cell after admitting he can no longer stand being cooped up." If someone could please hand me the World's Smallest Violin, I can take it from here. Are you kidding me, dude?

Even though Fritzl has a fear of being attacked by other prisoners (that is probably a reasonable fear to have), he has demanded his right to exercise 30 minutes every day. He has also been held in a cell that usually accommodates two, by the way, yet he is the only one in there. So he has a larger than average cell and yet he's feeling "cooped up". Um, WAH.

According to a prison source of The Telegraph, "He usually sits there watching television all day, especially news programmes about him." Watching TV shows about himself. Huh. What else? He also "has been making copious notes ready for the interview, as he will be present when Elisabeth speaks via a video link up and will be allowed to ask questions via his lawyer." OK, then. I've heard enough.

Yeah, that must be rough on him. In a cell larger than other individual cells. All cooped up like that. Only allowed outside 30 minutes a day. Oh, and all of this WITHOUT someone raping you. Yeah, um, that sounds like you have it, um, "rough" (which is actually how you should be raped, by the way).

This really shouldn't surprise me or anyone else, and I don't know if it does. It sure does piss me off, though. I guess I should just assume that someone that could act in such a heinous fashion for so long would naturally be a selfish bastard. Oh, and a coward. (Not so tough with the big boys, eh, Joe?! Not so tough when it might be YOU getting raped, eh, Joe? You asshole.) Below is a graphic of how his makeshift prison was laid out. (You should be able to click on it to enlarge it to a full screen view.) 24 years he kept his own daughter locked down there. 24 years. He's been in jail for 2 months and he's feeling "cooped up"? Yeah, burn in hell, dude.

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All Prison, All Sex, All The Time

Prison. It has to be rough if you're in prison. Oh, not that it's not usually your own damn fault that you're there, because it is. The point is that it's not supposed to be "pleasant". But you're not supposed to be "totally deprived" of things that you "need" when you're there. And in Paraguay, the inmates at the Esperanza prison (that's in Paraguay) were so torqued over their "unjust" treatment that they rioted. Yep. The inmates seized the director of the prison and a bunch of the other administration staff and they took over the prison and gave them a list of demands. Their biggest gripe? That's right. Not enough sex. Wait. What?

Correct. Apparently, if you're in prison in Paraguay, you're not going to need to find yourself a "bitch". You can have your bitch from the free world come over and you can sex her up...during the day, no less! But see, over in Esperanza, the prisoners run small businesses inside the prison. Businesses like clothing factories. (I don't know what all that's about either. What happened to license plate making and working in the quarry with a big steel ball chained to your leg?) And those businesses operate during the day and well, you guessed it, all of that work is getting in the way of having all the sex.

And it's not like the prison doesn't have a complaint policy and procedures. They do. Come on, what a stupid thing for a prison to do if they didn't have one! I can't imagine a prison doing something so stupid. (Oh, wait. May-be I CAN.) According to our friends over there across the pond at the Telegraph, "Prisoners said they had complained that work was getting in the way of pleasure, but had not been heard by administrators, so they decided to riot." Of course they did. Well, it seems as if they went through the proper channels and all but, being prisoners, they just weren't accustomed to not getting their way. Thus, the riot ensued. To the right is a picture of the riot organizers. Not exactly what I think of when I think of prisoners. It's what I think of when I think of those who are "Pre-prisoners" or "Prisoner Potential", but not actual prisoners. No, not so much.

The Paraguayan justice minister, a one Derlis Osorio, said that the riot ended without any deaths or injuries about four hours after it started. I'm going to assume that the riot ended right around the time when the prison official decided to give the inmates more conjugal visits during the day that would fall outside of their working hours. They also promised that they would investigate other claims of abuse and to improve how the guards treated the inmates. (Apparently, being allowed to have sex so that it doesn't interfere with your job when you're in prison isn't nice enough. What do they want? Flowers?) They also said that they are going to "end the regime of strip searches of visitors." Of course. What could possibly go wrong with that policy change?

And although the prison agreed to make more time for all the sex, it wasn't clear if that would incorporate the item that was at the top of the inmate's "Wish List", night time conjugal visits. Huh.

Now, I don't know about you, but me, well, my job has never made room for sex. Oh, don't get me wrong. I've been screwed plenty of times at work. Plenty. But not in the pleasurable sense and certainly not in the most requested sense. Nope, not at all. So I find it unfortunate and a bit disconcerting that if you would like a job that will allocate time during the day (and presumably during your shift) so that you can go off and have a little naked frolic with a loved one (or a liked one. Or just one who will do it with you. It's sex! How choosy are you going to be?!), you're going to have to be in prison in Paraguay to get such a perk.

And while there are things that could be thought of as "perks" in prison (you never have to think about what to wear, never have to go grocery shopping, the days are pretty much planned out for you, you can't get evicted, things like that), I really don't think that sex should be one of them. Ever. I don't care where you are. Even if you're in Paraguay. You should have to suffer without sex just like the rest of us who haven't broken the law do. Or at the very least, make 'em dance like those guys in the Philippines. (Boy, when they get wind of this, during breaks from rehearsing their next choreographed dance number, they're going to be pissed. "They're having sex in Paraguay and I'm in this orange jumpsuit dancing to some song from 'Sister Act' (complete with nun w/habit)? Riot! Riot NOW!"

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Milk, It Does A Prisoner Good

Look, I don't know what all of the customs and norms are down under in Australia or anything like that, but I do know what's normal and what isn't. OK, I know what's fairly normal, but I definitely know what is NOT normal AT ALL under ANY circumstances! And in the Australian jails...well....OK, you decide.

In Queensland (that's in Australia), they are considering issuing condoms to prisoners. This isn't the first time they've thought about doing this. They actually did it once before, but then rescinded the program (more on that later). Back in 1999, they installed condom vending machines in three of the Queensland prisons. And during the time when the 10,285 prisoners had access to condoms, they went through about 30,000 a month. That's approximately three per inmate. Now, three times a month might not sound like much to you, but for those in prison? Three times a month sounds great! (Hey, three times a month sounds great to a lot of people who aren't in prison. Unfortunately, those people tend to hook up with people who think that only twice a month sounds good enough. You can tell how that ends up.) But again, considering it's prison and the prisoners are usually segregated by gender, three times a month? Seems like a lot.

But Matilda Alexander from The Prisoner's Legal Service says, "I think that the Government has a basic duty of care to provide access to or at least allow access to mechanisms to allow safe sex. Consensual sex in the prison environment is a reality and people who are engaging in that should be allowed to engage in it safely." Huh. Interesting perspective. So they're going to do a survey that will involve about 900 male prisoners and about 150 female prisoners. (Look, if you're wondering about the whole "female prisoners" and "condoms" angle of this, you're going to have to find another blog. I can't get into that. I mean, I could. I haven't. Well, lately. Gotten into...look never mind. Just use your imagination, OK?) The survey will contain questions about sexual behaviors (obviously).

But what isn't so obvious is why, if they all feel so strongly about this, they stopped doing it when they had already implemented it before? Well, what would you say if I told you that the condoms were being used for things other than sex? What about if I told you that they stopped the program because the inmates were using flavored condoms to sweeten their milk? Wait. What?

That's why the program was discontinued. The inmates somehow figured out that a flavored condom would be a nice additive to sweeten up milk. Aside from the "EEwwwww!" factor, WHO figured this out and HOW?!?! Look, I don't care if I'm in prison or not, sweetened milk will NEVER be so important to me that I'm dunking a condom in it like some sort of prophylactic teabag! I don't care if all of the other inmates are doing it! I'm NOT!

And "flavored condoms"? Geez, I thought the whole "condoms for prisoners" thing was pretty generous to begin with. But they're definitely going the extra mile there by making flavored condoms available. I don't know what would have been wrong with just regular 'ol condoms. I would have thought that if they were going to jazz things up a little bit, they'd offer "Ribbed - For Your Pleasure" or something along those lines. I didn't know that flavors would have even been an option to offer the prisoners.

Wow. I guess Australia has it's own set of issues I'd never even considered. What's up next on the prison reform agenda? Free porn and Hooker Tuesdays?

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Inmates, Gloria-ous, Inmates

Well, the dancing inmates in the Philippines are at it again. Oh, surely you are familiar with the Cebu Provincial Detention and Rehabilitation Center (the CPDRC) located in (surprise) Cebu (that's in the Philippines). Allow me to provide you with a brief summary of the situation over there in case you're unfamiliar with this oddity. (Also allow me to warn you that this brief summary will likely be followed by the brief exclamation, "WTF?")

The CPDRC is a jail. Apparently, Byron Garcia, who is a security consultant for the local government over there, wanted to start some sort of an exercise program for the inmates that would allow them to exercise for an hour a day. While watching throngs of prisoners just milling about in the prison yard, he came up with the idea to choreograph dance moves set to music for about 1,500 of them. A natural thought, of course.

He eased the prisoners into his dance-o-rific world by just having them march to a drum beat. Once they seemed to have the hang of that (Left, right, left, right. How long did that take?), he added the music. In the beginning, he selected the songs "In the Navy" and "YMCA" by The Village People because he did not want the "macho prisoners to be offended at being asked to dance." Oh, OK, I see...wait a minute. What? He didn't want "macho prisoners" to be offended so he chooses two of the gayest songs in the history of gay songs performed by four of the gayest gays to sing gay songs?! THAT is how he's going to avoid offending macho offenders? Just because The Village People sang "Macho Man" does not mean that they are, in fact, macho men themselves. Because they're SO not.

Anyway, finally, he had the whole group of them to the point where they could dance to Michael Jackson's "Thriller". Garcia then uploaded a video of this hilarity to YouTube in July of 2007 and since then it has been seen by over nine million people.

The "Thriller" presentation even made Time Magazine's Top Ten Viral Video list for 2007, where it was described as "Orange-jumpsuited accused murderers, rapists and drug dealers paid homage to Michael Jackson's Thriller in a dance performance filmed at the Cebu Provincial Detention and Rehabilitation Center in the Philippines." Time also felt the need to add, "Questions arose about whether the 1,500 Filipino jailhouse rockers were enjoying some well-choreographed creative expression or suffering abuse at the hands of prison officials with MTV aspirations. The late American actor Vincent Price was right when he said that, "No mere mortal can resist the evil of the Thriller." Catchy.

Now you're caught up. Feel better? Good. This time, the musical dance number is supposed to be a "protest dance." (I didn't even know there was such a thing.) They seem to be protesting the comments of one Jun Lozada in regard to the inmates beloved Cardinal Vidal. (I have no idea who he is. But the inmates seem to love him.) I guess this Lozada character called the Cardinal the "Archbishop of the Palace." (Since the inmates are dancing in protest, let's assume that "Archbishop of the Palace" is a bad thing in the Philippines, shall we?) As if that wasn't enough, Lozada's female companion called the Cardinal "a Congressman in a cassock." (A cassock in that long frock thing that the clergy wear. Again, assume it's bad if it's being said against the prison Cardinal in the Philippines.)

The dancing prisoners feel that the comments made were "unfair" and that they are an "unjust vilification of the archdiocese of Cebu, Cardinal Vidal". Thus, they shall dance in protest. And what is the most appropriate song for 1,500 currently incarcerated men in the Philippines to dance in protest to? Why, yes, that would be "Gloria" by Laura Branigan. WTF?!

OK, the dancing inmate thing is a bit weird to begin with. It didn't get any better with the oh-so-not-macho-tuneage of The Village People tidbit up there either. But how in the hell does "Gloria" by Laura Freaking Branigan qualify as the most appropriate song to choreograph a prison yard dance protest to?! WTF?!

If you figure it out, let me know. In the meantime, behold! The CPDRC's Protesting Inmates present "Gloria".

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