A Friday To Forget

I'm going to call this Hoo-Ha Friday. I'm not going to be proud of it. It's just what I'm going to do. Hoo-Ha Friday is brought to you by two individuals in two separate, yet frighteningly similar incidents. Individual Number One is featured in the video below. It seems that she was in Atascadero, California when she was arrested for DUI after she crashed into the garage of her home. Baaaaad! She was cuffed and placed in the back of the squad car. Shortly afterwards, the arresting officers noticed that she had slipped out of her handcuffs. More baaaad! They put another pair on her because they couldn't find the first pair of handcuffs. Even after she was booked into jail (where they search you...in theory), no one could find the handcuffs. It was sort of a mystery. Where could they be? Where could they possibly, yet unthinkably, be? If you guessed some sort of body cavity that only a female has, you are correct! Aaauuugghhh! All of the baaaad! You may now vomit.

My favorite part of that news report was at the end where the guy was trying to explain the inexplicable. That being why she chose to hide the handcuffs after she was able to find her way out of them. That's what they were focused on?! She was drunk! End of story! And I would hope that the ONLY reason why one would cram a pair of handcuffs up into their uterine region WAS because they were drunk. And we're talking pretty darn drunk. Handcuffs in the hoo-ha drunk, to be exact. I'd be more concerned with how she got them off in the first place rather than why she chose to do what she did in her heightened state of inebriation. And yes, that picture there is of the confiscated handcuffs inside of a plastic glove. Eww.

And as I alluded to earlier, this, sadly, is not the only incident that I have to report here on Hoo-Ha Friday. From the folks over at Cincinnati.com, we learn of another incident involving the arrest of another woman behind the wheel. It would seem that in this case, the car had illegally tinted windows. Uh, yeah. It seems that there was a reason for the illegally tinted windows. When the officer approached the vehicle and looked inside, it wasn't pretty. Inside he found a one 36-year old Colondra Hamilton "...sitting with her pants unzipped and a sex toy in her lap." And listen, let's not judge...yet. Save the judgment for after you learn that she was allegedly "...using the toy while watching a sex video on a laptop computer that a passenger in the front seat held up so she could see it." All whilst driving. Good Lord, lady....

And we're worried about people texting while driving. Wow. I'm trying to figure out what would compel a woman to pull something like this. Is she just SOOOOO busy that there isn't enough time in her day to fit in a good masturbatory porn session, so she decided that she'd kill two birds with one stone and take care of that whilst she drove to the post office or something? How in the world could she even pay attention? Would you even remember that a green light meant "go" and that a red light meant "stop" if you were in the middle of something like that? I can't imagine that you would. I also can't imagine how enjoyable that would possibly be. And by the way, in case you're wondering, driving with a dildo in your lap and a porno on your laptop whilst you drive your vehicle amounts to being charged with "driving with inappropriate alertness". That makes sense. After all, I imagine that she was paying attention, just not to the driving (which is really the most important thing to pay attention to when you're behind the wheel). Oh, and by the way, she looks probably about like you'd expect her to. Behold!

Yeah. All right, then. This has been what will hopefully amount to the last Hoo-Ha Friday ever.

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How NOT to Get Your Husband to Talk to You

No one likes a messy breakup. Some don't like a breakup at all. The ones who don't like it at all fall into one of two categories. The first is those who have had to break up with the other person because they ended up finding out that they were a despicable creature. Finding out things like they're cheating on you, they gave you gonorrhea, forged your checks and other similar actions are just cause to break up, even if they thought the relationship was just fine that morning. But once the burning when urinating sensation kicks in and you pretty much realize that the relationship, the one that was fine a few minutes ago, is now over, well, it really makes you want to strangle the person. For ruining your day, for ruining your relationship and for giving your gonorrhea.

But then there's the second category where you're the person being broken up with. For whatever reason (usually none of the above, but sometimes!) the other person just doesn't want to be with you. And if you still want to be with them, that's going to be a little tricky, as they don't want to be with you. Hence, all of the breaking up and stuff. Some folks try to get the other person back, to get them to change their mind. That's fine, but only if you go about it in a way that would make the other person WANT to be with you. Trying to get the other person back that only reminds them of why they broke up with you is not helpful to your cause. Things like handcuffing yourself to your estranged beloved and then biting him as he's on the phone with the 911 dispatcher will not cause him to be penning nuptials anytime soon.

A one Helen Sun, a 37-year old woman with questionable mental stability, was arrested on Monday in Connecticut after behaving in a similar fashion. Sun claims that she just "wanted to have a conversation with Robert Drawbaugh without him leaving", according to a story in the AP. I guess the phone wasn't an option. So she did the next best thing by changing the locks on their bedroom door and then handcuffing herself to him while he slept. Well, SHE thought it was the next best thing. I'm not so sure that HE did.


He managed to get to his cell phone to call 911 and tell the dispatcher that "he woke up handcuffed, was still bound to his wife and was holding her down." When the dispatchers asked why his wife was attacking him, rather than shouting the most obvious, "Because she's crazy! Send help!" he instead replied it was because he divorced her and (this will come as a shock) that "she has a history of violence." Really?! Did not see that coming.

According to the story in the AP, "Dispatchers heard Drawbaugh scream in agony, apparently as his wife bit him. "Ohttp://www!" Drawbaugh shouted repeatedly. 'Are they almost here? Oh God. I need help!" " Now, I do not know why his screams of agony start off with a URL. Maybe he's some sort of a programmer, I don't know, the story didn't elaborate. But I found it odd, as I really don't know what that part of a URL sounds like.

The cops finally arrived and broke in through the front door, as she had locked it and he was unable to get up and let them in. You know, because he was handcuffed to this lunatic and she was biting him. All so that she could talk without him leaving. I don't know how she was going to get a word out with her mouth all full of forearm like that. Perhaps she didn't think this plan through enough. You think?

She was charged with 3rd degree assault, disorderly conduct, reckless endangerment and unlawful restraint. She's still being held in jail from what I could tell and I'm sure that's just fine with Mr. Drawbaugh, especially since he told the cops that Ms. Sun "...is obsessive and a danger to him and his friends and family....and that she hired private investigators to follow him." I'm thinking she would have been wise to stay with the PIs instead of getting all bite-y with him. According to a one Chris Liddy from the Fairfield Police Department, "I can't say I've ever seen a scenario quite like this." No, I can't imagine that you had.

But I haven't even told you the most amazing part of this little tale. Seriously, it is the part of the story that will just blow your mind. You might have thought it was crazy up to this point, but it's about to become just a little bit less sane than it already is. Here we go: "...the couple had been married about eight years." Are you effing kidding me?! EIGHT years?! He put up with this maniac for EIGHT YEARS?! Eight MINUTES would have been longer than I would have lasted, but eight YEARS?! How is that possible?! Had he not met her before that day? I find that fascinating! And of course, the AP has no details on that phenomenon. Shocking, I know. Modern media. All inclusive in their reporting. Or was that supposed to be 'all or nothing in their reporting'? One of those. Thanks, AP.

The article concludes with the statement: "The status of their divorce is unclear." The status of their divorce may be unclear, but I have a pretty good guess as to what the status of their marriage is at this point. Not good. It seems to be not good at all.

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The Human Nunchucks of Crime

I know it's still just January, but I'm pretty sure I have a winner for Dumbest Criminals of the Year. It's an instance of life imitating the Three Stooges, except there were only two of them. It's a glaring example of how important it is to really think things through before you do them and, more importantly in this case, while you're doing them. And it also goes to show that criminals always seem to think that they're smarter than they really are.

From the charming folks across the pond at The Telegraph we are taken to New Zealand where this tale unfolds. It's the tale of two criminal morons. A one Regan Reti, age 20, and a one Tiranara White, age 21. (Tiranara? Got yourself some NFL aspirations there, do you?) Aww...so young and so dumb. Shame. Anyway, these two Einsteins were at the Hastings District Court on New Zealand's North Island. (Why they feel the need to get overly detailed with the location is beyond me. I don't know where the North Island of New Zealand is and I'm not looking it up, either. I can get the full effect of the story without knowing that. "Outside" would have been a fine description for me.) They were apparently leaving the courthouse after Reti had just been "...sent to prison for more than two years after being convicted of assault" and White had been "...in custody for allegedly stealing a car and violating his parole conditions." Clearly not the brightest bulbs on the tree, those two.

And due to their combined dimness, the pair decided to make a break for it and run. Did I mention that they were chained together? Yeah, they were. Handcuffed together. Now, picture Larry and Curly or Moe or even Shemp in this situation. They're handcuffed together, they're running from the police, they're in public and obstacles abound. But what they forget is that they are not going to be defying the physical properties of the handcuffs, no matter how fast they run. No will they be able to escape from their latest arch nemesis, The Pole.

According to a one Sergeant Greig, "As they were being led from the Hastings police cells ... they made a bolt for freedom. They fell over and they were sprayed with pepper spray. But they got up and ran out of the court onto the street, across the road to a car park. That's where they met the pole – it was all over, Rover." I love the New Zealander police! It was all over, Rover. Excellent color commentary, my dear man. Simply excellent.

He's right about Rover, though. It was all over. They slammed into that pole, one numbnut on one side of it and the other numbnut on the opposite side and when the chain hit as they were running at full speed, hilarity did ensue. They flew around that pole in opposite directions like human nunchucks. Add some Three Stooges-esque sound effects and some popcorn and you've got yourself a very entertaining 45 seconds or so. One New Zealand news station reported that "it was one of the worst escape attempts ever seen." I'd have to agree.

Ah, stupidity. It really is the most effective tool in the arsenal in the fight against crime. The video is below. I highly recommend giving it a gander. It's good stuff.

And if you don't feel like you've had your share of people chained together trying to escape from custody, you're in luck because morons who get themselves arrested and try this stunt are abundant! (Apparently. Who knew?) Over there at TRUtv (via that link) they have a video of what they are billing as "The Worst Jail Break Ever" and I'd have to agree with them. Now those Crazy Canucks (they're attempting this feat in Ontario) that tried escaping in that instance had the full cast for a Three Stooges re-enactment. That's right. Not one. Not two. But three. Three morons! All chained together like Idiots on Display! Their nemesis? That tireless combatant of evil and defender of justice, The Pole!

After watching that video, it had me wondering if there was some sort of underground society of moronic criminals where they sit around (probably chained together) and give each other bad advice because the exact same thing happened to these three jokers as it did to the mates down there in New Zealand. Run, run, run. Spread out right before y'all reach the pole. Run your chain into the pole at full speed. Fly around the pole a bit before crashing into each other and falling to the ground. Ah, yes. An afternoon cartoon at its finest.

The cop that untangled them from each other (and the pole) said it best when he told them, "You also have the right to remain stupid." They apparently opted in. Enjoy prison, dumbasses. Be wary of any large metal objects firmly cemented into the ground, especially if you're running with another human being chained to you at the time.

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