Sunday, July 13, 2008

Kicking Gas and Taking Names

Look, if you're going to do something that would be considered "questionable" (at best) when it comes to naming your unborn child, at least make it "questionable" and "worth it". Or if you can't quite swing "worth it", how about "not short term"? Or just make it something that the majority of people who hear about it don't respond with, "That's it?" or "What a dumbass." Sadly, all of these concepts were lost on a one David Partin of (surprise) Florida.

Partin had heard that local radio station 96.5 FM - WHTQ was giving away $100 worth of free gasoline to whoever called in with the most interesting item to trade. Are you with me? ONE hundred dollars worth of GASOLINE is what the morning hosts, Richard Dixon and J. Willoughby, were willing to trade for something "interesting". Now, "interesting" can mean a lot of things to a lot of different people, so they really weren't going too far out on a limb here with that requirement. Plus, they're in Florida, so you know that was going to start the ol' wheels turning for the residents down there at the Shady Palms Trailer Park.

But David was the winner with the item that he offered up for $100 of GASOLINE. So sometime around Christmas, when his girlfriend expels their little bundle of joy into a world where things like this really happen, the naming rights to the child will lay solely with the morning guys. And they will name the child after themselves. Dixon and Willoughby. Including the 'and'. Wait. What was that?

Correct. For one hundred dollars in gasoline, the guy traded the naming rights to his unborn child. And the lucky recipients of the naming rights are naming the child after themselves. Therefore, the child will be named "Dixon and Willoughby Partin". And as ridiculous as that sounds, it could have been worse. Originally, the two didn't want to leave out their executive producer and suggested that the kid's middle name be "With Radio's Alan Spector". Apparently THAT crossed some sort of a line that did not effect naming the kid "Dixon and Willoughby". Go figure.

Oh, and I'm sure you're wondering about the woman who is currently harboring the unborn fetus. Yeah, so am I. I'm wondering what in the hell her problem is. According to David's girlfriend, Samantha, she said, "Well, it was his choice. I'd told him that if it was a girl, I'd name her. And if it was a boy, he'd get to choose." But what about the fact that YOUR child is going to be named Dixon and Willoughby?! "Yeah, I think he might hate David for a while." (Like until he "gets over" that his name was sold for a hundreds bucks of gas? Sure, that'll happen right after the axe murders he commits.) "But after he grows up some, he'll always have a story about his name. I always wanted that but never did with 'Samantha.' " Wait. WHAT?!

Yeah, what a great story to have, especially when in high school (where NO ONE makes fun of anyone else. And even in the rare instances when that does occur, rarely is it mercilessly and every single day.) to be able to tell people, "Um, yeah, my Dad needed some gas money." What a great story! That should virtually ensure him to be beaten up at least once a week until he graduates from COLLEGE.

I'm going to let her in on a little secret in regard to her wanting some sort of story about her name. See, that's the beauty of things like this. You can just make stuff up. Like your Mom watched 'Bewitched" twice a day, every day when she was pregnant with you. Or your great grandfather is Sam Adams (or Sam Houston. Or Sam the Butcher. It doesn't matter, pick a Sam!) and they named you after him but had to make it "Samantha" because you're a girl. ANYTHING! People lie all the time. Who's going to know?

But enough about that. Back to the real issue. Dude, a hundred bucks worth of gas? "Hey, man, times are rough. I figure I'll be able to drive around for a couple of weeks on that gas." And your kid will go around with a black eye and that name for the rest of his life. (Perhaps this chap should be a Father-To-Be Of The Year Candidate. He'd be the front runner.) And times are apparently so "rough" that David has decided to pimp his kid's name just one step further. Correct. It's now on the open market and bids are being accepted from corporate America to purchase the naming rights to this child. I guess David figured that if he could get $100 from some local radio station to name his kid, that he could maybe get up to a whopping $400 or $500 from a major retailer. He could drive around for MONTHS with the gasoline that THAT kind of money can buy! (Hopefully the winning bid will include a little bit extra for all of the therapy that little Home Depot is going to need one day.)

I am little unclear on the last part of this whole scheme. I had thought that they had already sold the kid's name to Dixon and Willoughby for what was behind Door Number One. Maybe the corporate America auction is for the kid's middle name (giving him virtually NO escape from the hell that awaits him). And if you'll think back to what corporation seems to always win/purchase these things, you'll know what the kid's name will be. Correct. Little Dixon and Willoughby Golden Palace Casino Partin. Rolls right off your tongue, doesn't it? (Oh, like they wouldn't want to get in on THIS? These are the folks who purchased the Seattle Super Dog, the Virgin Mary Grilled Cheese Sandwich, Britney Spears Pregnancy Test, and William Shatner's Kidney Stone. Right. They'll be first in line.)

But don't worry. No matter what business David's child will be named after, he will follow through with his intention to, you guessed it, tattoo his baby's name on his body. "That part," said David, "is just an extra." (Just one more reminder that "extra" doesn't always mean "good".)

Sadly, I just knew this story wouldn't be complete without a tattoo. ::sigh::

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