Friday, July 18, 2008

They're Not Dogs! Are They?

  • It's been brought to my attention that the photos contained in this post are really disgusting. Now, I knew they were disgusting when I put them here. (That's half of the reason why I put them here, actually.) However, I failed to take into account that, aside from all six of you who read this reeling in shock and horror, the photos could, in fact, induce a "reversal of fortune" should you be eating while reading (Multitasking. I like that.) or should you have eaten recently, say, within a day. (Nutrition. I like that too.) I have just tested this theory by re-reading this post whilst eating a bowl of Crunch Berries. Sure enough, when I got to the pics, well...let's just say, berries every-where. BOTTOM LINE: The photos will not cause you to feel warm and fuzzy all over. And if they do, it's only because you will be expelling "warm and fuzzy" shortly. Act accordingly.
The reigning "World's Ugliest Dog" has been dethroned. Yes, it's true. There is a new World's Ugliest Dog! (There's a new World's Ugliest Dog each year. Just so you know, so that you don't think that the previous World's Ugliest Dog was overthrown via a coup or something like that. Nope. Just the natural succession of things.) Meet Gus, the World's Ugliest Dog!

Sorry. I guess I probably should have warned you or something. (It scared the hell out of me and I knew it was coming!) This grotesque creature is Gus. Gus is a 9-year old hairless Chinese Crested. I should probably also point out that Gus is (I swear) a DOG. It's hard to tell what it
he is, actually. But he's a dog. He's a dog who had been neglected and abused for a year before his owner, Jeanenne Teed, found him and took him in. (Yes, he was butt ugly and she STILL took him in. What a woman.)

But it's not just his face that was beaten with the ugly stick. He is missing a rear leg due to skin cancer which also affected one of his ears. (No, I don't know which one. How am I supposed to be able to tell from that picture which one is the "normal" ear?) And he lost an eye when it was scratched out by one of his owner's cats. It would also appear that at some point, Gus was turned inside out, but that's purely speculation on my part, really.

These pictures just frighten me. I like dogs. But I don't know if these are really dogs. But I guess that the judges at the Sonoma-Marin Fair in Petaluma, CA where the World's Ugliest Dog Contest is held every year, would know. And what do they look for when making a decision as to which canine is the most repulsive on the planet? According to the emcee, Brent Farris, "Big buckets of drool get extra points." Lovely. Anything else? "So do missing limbs." Sorry I asked.

Now, if you're wondering if Gus had competition, the answer is yes. Actually, the answer is, "Oh, my God, yes!" It was like a canine leper colony over there. Let's take a gander at some of the runner ups, shall we? (Warning: You might want to have some eye bleach handy. This isn't pretty.) Remember, don't look directly at them. The damage could be irreversible.

Here is Princess Chelsea. I know, I know, just what you think of when you think of a 'princess'. Yep. Me, too.

Next up is Rascal. And it wouldn't surprise me one bit if Rascal came from the same defective gene pool as the Princess above. (Ooh! Maybe he's Prince Rascal! Could be royalty there! Of course, there could not.)

The main problem with this next dog is that it's just too damn human looking.

It's like a cross between one of those velociraptors from Jurassic Park and Richie Sambora.

Here we have, "Honey, I Overcooked The Dog."


This is Elwood. Elwood was last year's winner. (Instead of Elwood, it's more like Elwon't. What's with the tongue?)

Actually, Elwood looks a little bit like Bill Erwin, who played the old man, Sid Fields, on an episode of Seinfeld (it was the one with the goiter). See what I mean? They're like twins!

This is Squiggy.

Squiggy looks, strangely enough, a lot like, well, Squiggy.

This dog seems to be what the Taco Bell dog would have looked like if it was on crack. And turned inside out. Yo Quiero Cuter Dogs.

The whole freak show will be shown on Animal Planet in October. I'm just glad this thing is only once a year. I can only hope that this will one day be followed up with "Extreme Animal Makeover."

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Ewe-niss said...

Wow! there needs to be a warning on this post - I just ate my breakfast. I know their owners love them, but ewwwwwwwwww! They are some hideous pooches! ...nightmarish is more like it... I guess I won't complain too much about my slobbery black lab!

Mare said...

You're right. The "dogs" (I'm still not convinced) are a bit off-putting, thus, a brief disclaimer/warning has been added. That black lab slobber doesn't seem so bad now does it? Sorry about your breakfast, but thanks for reading!

Anonymous said...

You seem like a real jackass. These dogs aren't disgusting, and if you can't accept that, don't search for them. A dog is a dog. And you're a bastard.