Tuesday, July 22, 2008

They're DOGS! DOGS don't DO that!

All seven of you who read this blog should know by now how I feel about dogs. I like them. I believe that they should always be presented and kept in their original dog form. They should not be dressed in clothes, dyed different colors, shaved to looked like chickens, given civic duties or anything else that is not very "dog-like". And sadly, I have another item to add to my list of "Dog Don'ts". Dogs are not paratroopers. They should not be jumping out of planes with chutes strapped to their backs. Wait. What?

Apparently, the Brits are wanting to cut down their casualty rates that they suffer in Afghanistan and in Iraq. That seems reasonable. They plan to do it by parachuting in German shepherds to spy on the rebels. That....perhaps...not so reasonable. I can hear you now. Parachuting dogs? Really? Yep. And The Sun was there!

According to the fine folks across the pond at The Sun, "Fearless German Shepherds are being trained to jump from aircraft at 25,000 feet wearing their own oxygen masks and strapped to special forces assault teams." All right, I'm going to take a bit of an issue here with their use of the term "fearless". I don't know that anyone or anything can be "fearless" if the are simultaneously "strapped" to something else. If you were "fearless" there would be no need for all of the "strapping". See, if you're "strapped" to something, it's not so much that you're being "fearless" as much as you are being "forced".

Once on the ground, the dogs will lead the way to find enemy hideouts with teeny, tiny cameras affixed to their heads. The images will then be beamed back to the troops, warning of rebel locations and ambushes. Hopefully. (I'm really not liking this idea. It sounds a bit too cartoonish. I halfway expect them to arm the soldiers with big mallets and giant frying pans.) Apparently there have been three troopers shot dead in raids in Iraq and eight others have been wounded. While the dogs will, obviously, be exposed to a lot of danger, the way that the Brits look at it is better the dog take a bullet than a human. (And I get that and it makes sense, but couldn't they use some of those dogs from that Ugly Dog Contest instead?)

According to The Sun, "The dogs will be used in a precise manoeuvre technique called High Altitude High Opening, jumping as much as 35km from their targets and gliding towards them for up to 30 minutes." So you're going to have a German Shepherd, with an oxygen mask and a little camera on it's head, parachuting out of a plane and gliding 15 miles for about half an hour. I'm sure the dog will just love that! It will make perfect sense to him. Be all that you can be, um, doggie?

Now, they're not crazy, those Brits. This has been done before. In World War Two, the Brits trained dogs to parachute on rescue missions. (They do not explain "trained", but I'm guessing it's probably along the same line as "fearless") The Sun reports that, "The dogs have big advantages over soldiers in that they arouse less suspicion approaching targets, can squeeze into tighter spaces and can sniff out booby-trap explosives." Again....it's a dog, wearing an oxygen mask, parachuting out of a plane, with a little camera on it's head. THAT scenario will "arouse less suspicion"?? Less suspicion than what? Elephants with oxygen masks and little cameras attached to their trunks parachuting out of planes? Hanggliding gorillas wearing Nixon masks and playing tubas? Less suspicious than what, I ask you?!?!

The Sun, being the news reporting media that they are, decided to speculate as to what this scenario may actually look like when it occurs. They took it a step farther than just speculation, however. They went as far as to Photoshop an image of what this may actually look like when it occurs. Behold! A parachuting German shepherd with an oxygen mask!

Oh, good, f-ing hell. That's just not right. (It is, however, hil-arious looking. Nice job, Sun guys. Nice job.) They really did nail the photo, though, I'll give them that. Right down to the terrified look in the poor pooch's eyes. I can practically hear his little brain the size of a walnut thinking, "WTF?!!? All right! All right, already! I'll get your G-D slippers! Just get my ass back on the ground, would ya?!?"

Again, they're DOGS. They should not be jumping out of planes with oxygen masks and cameras strapped to their furry noggins. They shouldn't. I've thought this one through (well, as much as I think things through). There are only two dogs that should fly. Snoopy and Underdog. And I'm kind of under the impression that both of those, um, aren't real. So that would mean that NO dogs should fly. Which is what I've been saying all along.

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Irritated Tulsan said...

What?!?!?! I shouldn't parachute with my dog? Are strip bars still ok?

Such a Bastard said...

No goddamn wonder why we broke from England and became our own country! Those Brits are fucking insane! Why is it that every wackjob on Earth is either parachuting dogs, physically abusing dogs, mentally abusing dogs, or just sexing them while video taping it? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!

Mare said...

Strip bars in general? Fine. Strip bars in Tulsa? Eh.