They're DOGS! DOGS don't DO that!

All seven of you who read this blog should know by now how I feel about dogs. I like them. I believe that they should always be presented and kept in their original dog form. They should not be dressed in clothes, dyed different colors, shaved to looked like chickens, given civic duties or anything else that is not very "dog-like". And sadly, I have another item to add to my list of "Dog Don'ts". Dogs are not paratroopers. They should not be jumping out of planes with chutes strapped to their backs. Wait. What?

Apparently, the Brits are wanting to cut down their casualty rates that they suffer in Afghanistan and in Iraq. That seems reasonable. They plan to do it by parachuting in German shepherds to spy on the rebels. That....perhaps...not so reasonable. I can hear you now. Parachuting dogs? Really? Yep. And The Sun was there!

According to the fine folks across the pond at The Sun, "Fearless German Shepherds are being trained to jump from aircraft at 25,000 feet wearing their own oxygen masks and strapped to special forces assault teams." All right, I'm going to take a bit of an issue here with their use of the term "fearless". I don't know that anyone or anything can be "fearless" if the are simultaneously "strapped" to something else. If you were "fearless" there would be no need for all of the "strapping". See, if you're "strapped" to something, it's not so much that you're being "fearless" as much as you are being "forced".

Once on the ground, the dogs will lead the way to find enemy hideouts with teeny, tiny cameras affixed to their heads. The images will then be beamed back to the troops, warning of rebel locations and ambushes. Hopefully. (I'm really not liking this idea. It sounds a bit too cartoonish. I halfway expect them to arm the soldiers with big mallets and giant frying pans.) Apparently there have been three troopers shot dead in raids in Iraq and eight others have been wounded. While the dogs will, obviously, be exposed to a lot of danger, the way that the Brits look at it is better the dog take a bullet than a human. (And I get that and it makes sense, but couldn't they use some of those dogs from that Ugly Dog Contest instead?)


According to The Sun, "The dogs will be used in a precise manoeuvre technique called High Altitude High Opening, jumping as much as 35km from their targets and gliding towards them for up to 30 minutes." So you're going to have a German Shepherd, with an oxygen mask and a little camera on it's head, parachuting out of a plane and gliding 15 miles for about half an hour. I'm sure the dog will just love that! It will make perfect sense to him. Be all that you can be, um, doggie?

Now, they're not crazy, those Brits. This has been done before. In World War Two, the Brits trained dogs to parachute on rescue missions. (They do not explain "trained", but I'm guessing it's probably along the same line as "fearless") The Sun reports that, "The dogs have big advantages over soldiers in that they arouse less suspicion approaching targets, can squeeze into tighter spaces and can sniff out booby-trap explosives." Again....it's a dog, wearing an oxygen mask, parachuting out of a plane, with a little camera on it's head. THAT scenario will "arouse less suspicion"?? Less suspicion than what? Elephants with oxygen masks and little cameras attached to their trunks parachuting out of planes? Hanggliding gorillas wearing Nixon masks and playing tubas? Less suspicious than what, I ask you?!?!

The Sun, being the news reporting media that they are, decided to speculate as to what this scenario may actually look like when it occurs. They took it a step farther than just speculation, however. They went as far as to Photoshop an image of what this may actually look like when it occurs. Behold! A parachuting German shepherd with an oxygen mask!

Oh, good, f-ing hell. That's just not right. (It is, however, hil-arious looking. Nice job, Sun guys. Nice job.) They really did nail the photo, though, I'll give them that. Right down to the terrified look in the poor pooch's eyes. I can practically hear his little brain the size of a walnut thinking, "WTF?!!? All right! All right, already! I'll get your G-D slippers! Just get my ass back on the ground, would ya?!?"

Again, they're DOGS. They should not be jumping out of planes with oxygen masks and cameras strapped to their furry noggins. They shouldn't. I've thought this one through (well, as much as I think things through). There are only two dogs that should fly. Snoopy and Underdog. And I'm kind of under the impression that both of those, um, aren't real. So that would mean that NO dogs should fly. Which is what I've been saying all along.

Sphere: Related Content

Dogs - What To STILL Not Do To Them

You know, I hadn't heard anything about the dyeing of dogs for a while, so I guess I thought that maybe people had gotten a clue and just stopped. Why, oh, why could that not have been the case? But it's not. They don't have a clue and they haven't stopped and the only ones who suffer are the dogs and me. But it's gotten worse. It's taken a turn I didn't even know was on the map. I'm sure the dogs didn't even know there was a map! But they know now. And they don't look happy about it.

Have you heard of something called "creative grooming"? It's kind of just like it sounds like it would be. It's the grooming of animals, in this case, dogs, in a "creative" way that is far from the typical grooming (which, last time I checked, consisted of a bath, a towel dry and maybe a little dogscaping of the fur). Behold! Cindy, the creatively groomed dog!

Well, cock-a-poodle-do. Good hell, where do I start? This is Cindy. Cindy, contrary to what you might be thinking, is a freaking DOG. In fact, she is a poodle. However, in the photo above, she has been "creatively groomed" to look like a cockerel. For those who did not grow up on a farm (or were content to just learn what a chicken was and not bother with the rest of the names), I will tell you that a cockerel is a young male of the domestic chicken. Behold! A cockerel that is not altered to look like a dog:

See the resemblance? Yeah, unfortunately, so did I.

Cindy the poodle belongs to a one Sandy Hartness of Yucaipa Valley, CA. She is apparently at the top of the heap when it comes to those who make their dogs look like anything but dogs. She has "creatively groomed" Cindy the dog there to look like many, many different animals (and objects, in some cases). And sadly, she is not the only one doing this. And it didn't just start, either.

Apparently, this "creative grooming" thing first got it's start during the 1980s. I guess someone dyed their dog green for the All American Grooming Show and it just sort of evolved from there. Next thing you know, you've got dogs looking like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles competing at SuperGroom 2007 in Vegas. Wait. What?

In case you were wondering, the dog is the only one that is dyed and "creatively groomed". I really do not know what to say about this. It's a dog that looks like a comic book turtle and it's on purpose! I don't get it.

At SuperGroom 2007, there were 15 "creative groomers" participating with their "creatively groomed" dogs. They use something called a Blo Pen to apply the dye to the dogs in the manner that best fits whatever ridiculous persona (dogsona?) they are crafting the animal into. It's kind of like airbrushing. Only it's with dye and it's on dogs and it's to dye them any color that is not dog colored. (If you're unfamiliar with what "dog color" would consist of, look at a dog that has not been dyed, bleached, tanned or altered in any way. THAT color that you see? THAT is dog colored. Dog color does not consist of pink, purple, blue, green or any other color of the freaking rainbow.)

Above is what appears to be Cindy in the "Walk Like An Egyptian Dog That Now Looks Like a Camel" get up. Although I'm glad the dog isn't pink, I can't say that I'm thrilled with this either. Have you noticed that Cindy looks rather confused in the majority of these pictures? Confused and overly complacent (probably due to years of playing dress-up with Sandy).

And here we have the Puff the Magic DragDog (or something like that). Um, words really do fail me. Although Cindy doesn't look quite so confused in this one. She seems to know that this is a bit much. I have to hand it to the dog, though. From the pictures that I see of Sandy, she seems to have all of her limbs as well as the fact that she doesn't seem to be sporting any puncture wounds or visible scarring. If I were that dog, I couldn't guarantee that would be the case. But somehow, this dog manages to not shred the woman to bits each time she has a "vision" for a new outfit.

:::sigh::: OK, one more time. They're dogs! The only color they should be is dog colored! The only thing they should look like is a dog! They should never, ever resemble a camel, a dragon, a cockerel (or any other member of the chicken family), a peacock (or a pea hen), a turtle (teenage, mutant, ninja, or otherwise) or anything other than a dog!

And for cryin' out loud, they most certainly should never look like this:

Take me to your breeder.

Sphere: Related Content

One Small Step For Dog-Kind

Can you believe that it's already been an entire month since Joy Douglas of Boulder, CO, was busted for dyeing her poodle Cici pink? Joy thought that if she took her poodle and dyed her in beet juice and Kool-Aid that it would raise breast cancer awareness. I don't know if that ever happened. It raised dog-dyeing awareness, but I'm not so sure about the breast cancer part. It also raised the awareness of Humane Society officials. Those officials, who apparently wield a power that I was unaware was able to be possessed by those in the Humane Society, ticketed Joy for violating a city code that forbids people from dyeing animals. That rule was deemed to be necessary in Boulder as a way to prevent people from dyeing creatures such as rabbits or chicks during the Easter season (a very popular time of year for animal dyeing, don't you know?).

So what ever happened in the saga of Joy, Cici and the strangely powerful Humane Society Officials of Boulder, you ask? Well, according to the fine folks over there at The Denver Channel, just today, Joy struck a deal with attorneys that will dismiss the ticket. Of course there are a few provisions attached to that deal. Well, they call them "provisions". I call them "stuff you shouldn't be doing in the first place".

This ticket could have cost Joy $1,000 if it was found that she was guilty of violating the anti-dog-dyeing code. Considering her poodle was bright pink at the time, I think that would have been hard to argue on Joy's part. So, the deal is that if she can somehow refrain from dyeing another dog in the next six months (Hang in there, Joy! You can do it!) then the whole thing will be dropped. But if word gets around again that Joy is up to her ol' dog dipping tricks again, then the original charges will be reinstated. Seems fair. Overall, the whole thing seems lame. But I can live with this.

So Joy keeps her dog and her $1,000, the Humane Society keeps it's unusual power to enforce the many, many aspects of protecting animals from looking like carnival treats and Cici gets to regain and (hopefully) keep her doggie dignity. Hopefully, Joy will be able to not use her Kool-Aid and beet juice for the purposes of evil in the future. And just knowing that, in the future, the dog will be dog colored and won't be wearing any clothes, well, that makes me feel as if my pleas to keep animals looking like animals have finally been heard. Now, if I can just figure out how to get Mondex out of that wetsuit.

Sphere: Related Content