Saturday, July 12, 2008

Clothes Must Remain ON During The Remainder Of The Crime

I'm not a criminal. I don't plan on becoming a criminal. Thus, I don't know a whole lot about the profession in and of itself. But it would apparently have some sort of guideline in the manual that requires criminals to possess certain traits and perform certain actions whilst in the midst of the criminalizing. Those things would be:

  • Must be dumb as a brick (or, at the very least, not smarter than the brick)

  • Must not be smarter than a box of hair

  • Must not hide things very well

  • Must feel the need to flee the scene using anything but a motorized vehicle

  • Must have uncontrollable urge to remove clothing after committing the crime, but before or during the process of "fleeing" as described above.

Allow me....

From the fine folks over there at the AP (who must be having one heck of a slow news day if they're churning out crap like this from Wisconsin), we learn that on Tuesday, a one Patrick Bishop, 36, robbed the West Side Auto Mart in Hartford. He was arrested shortly after the robbery when he was seen on his getaway medium - a bicycle - wearing nothing but his underwear that had cash sticking out of it. (That's a horrible vision in and of itself. It's like some desperate male stripper who wants to join the circus, but he can't find one so he just rides around hoping PT Barnum will be nearby and ask him to join the traveling show.) Below is a picture of this criminal mastermind. (Looks about like what you'd think, doesn't it?)




Einstein apparently used a toy gun (for which to use as the intimidating robbery weapon of which to point menacingly at the clerk), ordered the clerk to open the register and when they did, the guy took $412 and took off. Then it starts to get weird.

There has been more than one instance lately of some maroon robbing someplace and then, either before taking off or during the chase, will have some sort of criminal mastermind revelation which seems to instruct them to remove all of their clothes because somehow that will make it better! And this guy did just that. Took the money, shoved it in his underwear, removed all of his clothes, threw away the toy gun (because THAT would have been incriminating had he been stopped with no clothes AND a toy gun) and then took off on his bike. Sheer genius, I tell you.

No, that won't draw attention to yourself at all, sir. Does that bike have a horn? If it does, you should honk it constantly as you're pedaling away. Constantly honking, wearing only underwear with money coming out of it, pedaling your bike away from a robbery. You might want to yell a lot while you're at it. Really loud, psychotic, yelling. That should help. All of those things will ensure that you blend right in with the rest of society. Especially the part about wearing only your underwear. That makes perfect sense. Good Lord.....And you're how old? Thirty-freaking SIX? What the hell is wrong with you?

I guess I should probably be glad that he was wearing a set of briefs and not a plum smuggler or a banana hammock or something like that. But still, it doesn't make it right. Or better.

I am dying to know why taking off your clothes after you have committed a crime is a good idea. I can't see a single thing that even MIGHT be remotely CLOSE to a good idea. I can barely see any aspects of it at all that might be even remotely CLOSE to just an idea.

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