Special Purpose?

I don't know what that's pointing to exactly, but that it has the caption "Special Purpose" doesn't help matters any, that's for sure.

Sphere: Related Content

Clothes Must Remain ON During The Remainder Of The Crime

I'm not a criminal. I don't plan on becoming a criminal. Thus, I don't know a whole lot about the profession in and of itself. But it would apparently have some sort of guideline in the manual that requires criminals to possess certain traits and perform certain actions whilst in the midst of the criminalizing. Those things would be:

• Must be dumb as a brick (or, at the very least, not smarter than the brick)
  
  
• Must not be smarter than a box of hair
  
  
• Must not hide things very well
  
  
• Must feel the need to flee the scene using anything but a motorized vehicle
  
  
• Must have uncontrollable urge to remove clothing after committing the crime, but before or during the process of "fleeing" as described above.
  

Allow me....

From the fine folks over there at the AP (who must be having one heck of a slow news day if they're churning out crap like this from Wisconsin), we learn that on Tuesday, a one Patrick Bishop, 36, robbed the West Side Auto Mart in Hartford. He was arrested shortly after the robbery when he was seen on his getaway medium - a bicycle - wearing nothing but his underwear that had cash sticking out of it. (That's a horrible vision in and of itself. It's like some desperate male stripper who wants to join the circus, but he can't find one so he just rides around hoping PT Barnum will be nearby and ask him to join the traveling show.) Below is a picture of this criminal mastermind. (Looks about like what you'd think, doesn't it?)

Einstein apparently used a toy gun (for which to use as the intimidating robbery weapon of which to point menacingly at the clerk), ordered the clerk to open the register and when they did, the guy took $412 and took off. Then it starts to get weird.

There has been more than one instance lately of some maroon robbing someplace and then, either before taking off or during the chase, will have some sort of criminal mastermind revelation which seems to instruct them to remove all of their clothes because somehow that will make it better! And this guy did just that. Took the money, shoved it in his underwear, removed all of his clothes, threw away the toy gun (because THAT would have been incriminating had he been stopped with no clothes AND a toy gun) and then took off on his bike. Sheer genius, I tell you.

No, that won't draw attention to yourself at all, sir. Does that bike have a horn? If it does, you should honk it constantly as you're pedaling away. Constantly honking, wearing only underwear with money coming out of it, pedaling your bike away from a robbery. You might want to yell a lot while you're at it. Really loud, psychotic, yelling. That should help. All of those things will ensure that you blend right in with the rest of society. Especially the part about wearing only your underwear. That makes perfect sense. Good Lord.....And you're how old? Thirty-freaking SIX? What the hell is wrong with you?

I guess I should probably be glad that he was wearing a set of briefs and not a plum smuggler or a banana hammock or something like that. But still, it doesn't make it right. Or better.

I am dying to know why taking off your clothes after you have committed a crime is a good idea. I can't see a single thing that even MIGHT be remotely CLOSE to a good idea. I can barely see any aspects of it at all that might be even remotely CLOSE to just an idea.

Sphere: Related Content

Shoot Me Now

Ever wished there were more than 24 hours in the day? Of course you have (because who wouldn't like more time to squeeze in some naps?). While I cannot provide you with more actual hours, I can provide you with something that will make it seem like there are more than 24 hours in the day. In fact, I can provide you with something that will make the next five months seems like a freaking eternity. You'll be begging for those 24 hours days before it's over, trust me. Ahem....This is from the fine folks over there at the AP (yes, the Associated Press), who seem to have not received the memo that their slogan/motto/tag line-o-crap is "The Essential Global News Network." (The key words here are "essential" and "news". With the all of those tubes that make up the Internet, anything and everything could be "global" only 5 seconds after posting it on YouTube, so "global" isn't really relevant here.) Ready for time to stand still? Here we go.....

Headline......AP....... "Obama joins neighbors for a lake shore bicycle ride." Sweet mother of God, make it stop.

This? THIS? THIS is what we're going to have to put up with until freaking November?! Come on! Are you AP guys SERIOUS?! A bike ride?! What?!

The "article" goes something like this: "Barack Obama joined family and neighbors for a bicycle ride along the shores of Lake Michigan on Sunday.

"Obama, who last week claimed the Democratic presidential nomination, capped his victory with a quiet, long weekend at home in Chicago.

"The Illinois senator and his wife, Michelle, rode to a neighbor's house with their daughters, Malia and Sasha, on Sunday and the group then headed out for the ride along the scenic lake shore. But the outing was cut short by a downpour."

I do not need to read that Barack Obama went on a freaking bike ride with his family. I do not need minuscule detail paid to irrelevant aspects of the man's personal life unless it involves a child bride and/or one or more goats. In fact, I'd appreciate it if some minuscule detail was paid to some of his time in office and what he's done there. Or perhaps a pay a bit of attention to some of his policies, some of his pledges if he's elected President, something that has anything at all to do with his political platform and NOT things that involve HELMETS!

OH, and you'll be happy to know that the AP managed to include a picture with their "essential global news" news flash. Here we go. I call this photo, "Barack and Bike." Behold!

Wait, I thought that it said he went for the bicycle ride on the shore of Lake Michigan. That doesn't look like the shore of Lake Michigan to me. That looks like the crosswalk of Chicago. (It also looks like he could stand a little air in the back tire there. Who's running that show over there? The man needs air!)

This is going to be a looonnngggg five months. I can feel time screeching to a standstill as I type this. Geez, and I thought that waiting for Hillary to bow out took a long time. If I have to put up with this type of "reporting" for the next five months, I'm going to twist off. Can you imagine how this could go? "This just in....at 3:45 this afternoon, John McCain was just seen pulling up in his Buick outside the restaurant where he will be enjoying the Early Bird Special for dinner. Word on the street is that he will be in bed by 6:15 sharp after a glass of warm milk. Back to you in the studio."

The only good thing about this is that now, because I'm so depressed after reading this waste of space article about the exercise habits of Barry Obama, I must have a pic of Obama Girl to make myself feel better. Because, really, when doesn't Obama Girl make me feel better? That's right. Never. And now is no exception. I feel better already.

Sphere: Related Content

The Globalization of the Overprotective and Soft Headed

Time to ready a big shipment of helmets to send over to all of the soft headed Brits across the pond. Unfortunately, most of the people who need them would mistakenly assume that the helmet is for their precious little dandelion child to protect them from experiencing any sort of discomfort or distress what so ever. Of course that wouldn't actually happen, as there is no way that the helmet would fit over all of the swaddling clothes that they have enveloped their children in.

According to a poll done by Cycling England, 1,079 parents were surveyed about cycling. Of those surveyed, an astonishing 81% (yes, EIGHTY ONE) of parents BAN their children from biking independently because of their concerns about their child's safety. WTF? Now, I could see where ONE or TWO people might have reservations about letting their child engage in an activity where the parent had experienced some sort of trauma or knew someone who had been involved in a less than pleasant incident involving such an activity. I mean, if you're skydiving and your chute doesn't open and you miraculously survive for the sake of this argument that I'm writing at the moment, you're going to be a bit leery about your child skydiving. But of those 81% fearing for their precious little snowflakes safety, only THREE percent of them had actually known someone who had been in an accident involving a bicycle.

Then it has to be something else, right? Maybe they had HEARD about a rash of bike fatalities somewhere else? Maybe there was a bike recall? No? Nothing like that? It wouldn't appear so, as in 2006 there were ten times more accidents involving cars than there were accidents involving bicycles. (But I'll bet that those 81% strap their children into their cars as if they were a Top Gun pilot readying for flight in his F-14.

Philip Darnton of Cycling England says that this kind of behavior is creating what he calls "cul-de-sac kids", kids that are not allowed to ride their bikes outside of their own road/neighborhood and without adult supervision. I guess that "cul-de-sac kids" sounds a lot better than "offspring of nutjobs", but it's definitely a depressing moniker if there ever was one.

Most of the parents surveyed said "cycle training" would help reassure them in regard to their child riding a bike without adult supervision. (What in the hell good is adult supervision going to do when you are riding your bike? If you are going to fall or crash, there isn't a whole hell of a lot anyone can do about it. If there was, it would be the person on the bike avoiding the "tragedy", don't you think?) About two thirds of those in the survey with melted ice-cream soft craniums felt that their child did not have the confidence and skills to ride on the road. Well how in the hell COULD they have confidence when you're so afraid they're going to end up in a body bag that you don't even let them ride their bike when you're not around? I'd be a little lacking in the confidence department also!

The survey also showed that only one in five of these deprived children are allowed to use their bicycle as a way of getting from one place to another. That is unbelievable to me. My parents had ZERO desire to shuttle me around ANYWHERE. That's why they always made sure that my brother and I always had a bike. ALWAYS. But although these parents who were surveyd don't let their kids be kids, more than half said the same thing I just did, that when they were a kid their way of getting around was on their bike. So they must just assume that it is nothing short of a miracle that they were able to survive such danger and they must ensure that they do not expose their little rays of sunshine to the same sort of peril that they experienced.

The reason this frightens me is I have to wonder about the scope of which this kind of thinking and behavior extends and expands. If the parents are not letting their kids ride their bikes past the end of the driveway and even then, only with adult supervision, how restricted are the rest of their lives? No playing ball? No running? No swimming? No walking over to a friend's house by yourself? No kite flying? (Hey, string can choke! It's the hidden hazard of kiting!) How are these kids going to have ANY confidence that they can do ANYTHING at all? How are these kids going to be able to try anything new without worrying that it might "be dangerous". Hell, at least half of the things that you do as a kid are dangerous! That's why you do them! And they're the best! Think about your best memories as a kid. I can guarantee you the majority of them had some element of danger involved. Mine did. (And it's really a wonder I'm here typing this, actually, given some of the stunts I pulled).

See the picture above with the guy helping a child ride a bike with the assistance of what appears to be a giant salad fork? On the website where they are actually hawking that product, they had some guidelines for helping your child to ride a bike. Yes, guidelines. Many, many overprotective guidelines. Here's what they suggest:

• When first starting, a helmet, knee and elbow pads, as well as gloves are a good idea. (Gloves?! GLOVES are a good idea?! No they're not! They don't need gloves! How is this kid even going to be able to pedal the bike with all of that stuff on?!)
  
  
• Be sure they wear clothing that is protective and not so loose that it will get caught up in the bike. (Protective clothing? Not loose? OK, so now you've got your kid in his suit of armor, what's next?)
  
  
• Blue jeans and sweatshirt are recommended. (Don't believe that. Go with the suit of armor.)
  
  
• Find a safe place to start the instruction. A hard packed grass field is ideal, but asphalt tennis or basketball courts will work as well. Cul-de-sac streets can be an answer also, you are looking for no traffic areas. (Yes, you are not looking to teach your child to ride his or her bike on the Interstate. And I'm sure that whoever owns the "hard packed grass field" will have no problems at all with your teaching "Bike Riding That You Will Never Do Alone 101" on their field. Yeah, that should work.)
  
  See this? A nice day. A pink bike. No helmet. No one hovering over the child. And an enormous grin. That is a happy child. And that is NORMAL. Does the child look like she's been traumatized in some fashion from having this experience? Hardly. She should turn out just fine. But those who aren't allowed this normal rite of childhood could easily end up like Dahmer.

Sphere: Related Content