Thursday, July 17, 2008

Super Duper Hooker Barbie

In case you've been thinking that toys for children just weren't quite whore-y enough or that they needed a little bit more of that slut factor, well, Mattel has the answer for you! Introducing Black Canary Barbie! Behold!


Um, yeah. OK, news to me, but the Black Canary is apparently a DC Comics super heroine who (clearly by some miracle) appeared for the first time in 1947. 1947?? That has to be a misprint. Huh. It's not. She's been around for 61 years and this is the first I've heard of her. According to Wikipedia, her outfit consists of "a blond wig, fishnet stockings, pirate boots, bustier, and an unbuttoned jacket. Initially, she also wears a domino mask, though this is soon jettisoned." (Of course it does.) And again, I ask, 1947?? Are you sure?!? (Wikipedia also says that she is an "expert in hand-to-hand combat, a peak human level athlete, an exceptional martial artist and an expert motorcycle rider!" She apparently also possesses the ability to unleash the "Canary Cry" which is described as "an ultrasonic scream". (What a handy ability for a super heroine to have! Just in case the village is being attacked by dogs, her ultrasonic scream will stop them all dead in their tracks while, at the same time, leaving the ears of regular humans unscathed by the piercing shrill of the Canary Cry. My God, I digress.)

And do you not want to know more about the kind of person who dreams up this kind of a character to draw for a comic book? I DO! How does that work? What? They're just sitting at their drawing table one day, looking out the window, contemplating the fashion statement that the super heroine will need to make. And suddenly, a RUSH of inspiration washes over them! "I know! She's definitely going to need a wig. Brown...no, no! Blonde! And some fishnet stockings. Oohhh..yeah...that screams justice right there, baby. What else? Ah! Bustier....huh? Huh?! And we'll leave the jacket unbuttoned so it will flap in the wind that I draw for it to flap in. And the final touch? Some boots. Wait! Not just any boots. Pirate boots! Argh! She'll fight the blimey crime, matey! Argh!" Is THAT what happened? Probably, yes.

But, back to Barbie. She does look like quite the trampish whore, does she not? Seriously, what were the folks over yonder at Mattel thinking? Actually, I learned that they weren't really straying that far from the Barbie's of yore that they've mass produced. Look. We have Bikini Barbie:


Rocker Chick Barbie:



French Maid Barbie (whose description reads, "Celebrates the working woman. The uniform includes crisp black dress, accented with white cuffs and collar, apron, and petticoat. Matching cap and alluring fishnets lend an air of sophistication. Black mary janes and feather duster complete the ensemble." THAT celebrates the working woman?!?! I think not, Mattel. I think not.):


And Pirate Barbie (because everyone loves a pirate. Argh!):


See? Not so different. But, whatever they were thinking, it certainly wasn't anything subtle, as the back of her box reads, Black Canary is dressed in her black motorcycle jacket, fishnet stockings, black gloves, and boots. This is truly one hot chick!”

Mattel, you might think that Black Canary Barbie is "truly one hot chick", but the religious group, Christian Voice, thinks otherwise. (I know that you are shocked, just shocked, that a religious group felt the need to speak out about what it thinks of Black Canary Barbie.) Christian Voice issued their opinion on the matter by stating, Barbie has always been on the tarty side and this is taking it too far. A children’s doll in sexually suggestive clothing is irresponsible – it’s filth.”

A "little on the tarty side"? Is a slut a tart? Is a whore a tart? Is a DC Comics super heroine gracing the pages of comic books since 1947 a tart? Who knows? At first I thought that maybe the Christian Voice was just trying to be nice by calling her a tart instead of something else. Something, more direct (like S&M hooker). But I checked out their website and it was about what you'd expect from a group called Christian Voice who feels the need to make a public statement about a Barbie doll. You know, the typical "Everyone is evil", "Gays are bad", "Abortion is wrong", "Sinners go to hell", and "We are always right". Yeah, so they weren't really trying to be "nice", but "tarty" is about as strong as their vocabulary gets.

I find the whole Barbie concept odd to begin with, but this Black Canary thing I find just weird. I think mostly because she seems to be missing a whip. Either that or a street corner upon which to prop her up whilst she drums up a little business. Undercover Vice Cop Ken sold separately.


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